Long term partner’s teenage daughters completely reject me

[Malena77]

I’ve been in a relationship for the last 4 years. Throughout this time, my boyfriend’s daughters (now almost 18 and 11) consistently refused to have any contact with me, I’ve never even spoken to them. Their mother has never accepted the breakdown of marriage (though no third parties were involved) and allegedly puts pressure on the girls to reject me (and my teenage daughter who supports the relationship). My boyfriend, worried that he would lose his children’s love, has been passive in dealing with it. He leads two separate lives: one with children on days when they are together, one with me. I was not allowed to visit his home when the children were there, to participate in any events with extended family in their presence, etc.
Bf & I recently moved in together, hoping that this would change the dynamic, but the girls refused to even visit the new place. They will only see their dad at the ‘old’ house.
I’m losing hope that the situation will change. It’s been 4 years with no progress at all. This is not about my ego, or replacing mum or ‘old’ family but about creating a healthy, respectful environment for everyone..
Has any of you been in similar situation? What advice would you give?

I think your mistake was assuming things would be different when you both moved in together.

Difficult situation especially as you said your DP is passive in finding a resolution.
Have you ever met his kids at all? How were his kids visits planned when you discussed moving together? Were they supposed to come yo your new house?
It looks like you moved in together without discussing and agreeing kids related practicalities.
Not sure you can do anything about that, he should to resolved it.
On the other hand, if he never discussed moving with you with his kids, it created a huge resentment.

His kids have never met me - they always refused any contact with me. They knew we were planning to move in together and they were invited to have their input but refused to give any feedback...completely stonewalled him...they know they could visit any time, for however long etc, they have full flexibility with this, it was even suggested to them that to start it off easy I may not be around....but their attitude has not changed.

I think you have to accept it as it stands as they aren't obliged to accept you. It's bad manners but they clearly are in an impossible position with their mother. I'm the grand scheme of things they may not be like this forever. However I'd think carefully if it was worth it.

Is your DP passive out of guilt he deserves or not, in your opinion. Either way, he is right to do everything he can to maintain his relationship with the children and that does come before being whatever the opposite of passive is (unlikely to work as he can't make them want you).

You have two choices op, be the hate figure for the next ten years or walk away.

You could ignore them, be glad you have no contact with such unpleasant people and enjoy your free time while your dp is with his DCs.

Or you could walk away. I did the latter but my ex step daughters were much more aggressive.

I think you should stop trying. It’s your boyfriend’s problem more than it is yours. You certainly shouldn’t absent yourself from your home to pander to this bullying. Make sure you have plenty of friends separate from his family, keep up regular contact with your own family, and just leave them to it.

Ever considered contacting the ex to try to break the cycle? Might seem a bit of an extreme path to take but IMO its make or break - you can’t possibly go on like this and not expect it to damage your relationship... Really your DP should be tackling this head on but I empathise with his situation if he’s concerned they’d push him away.

I’d be tempted to lay it on the line to DP - not to ask him pick you over them, but to explain it can’t continue like this and you need to both find a solution together, possibly one that involves family mediation. I think you definitely need to draw a line in the sand here.

Thank you all for your feedback, v helpful and I really appreciate it. When you are in the middle of it it’s difficult to think clearly.

Contact with his ex is impossible, whenever I tried to suggest a meeting she was verbally aggressive towards me, she started bullying me online and I had to block her. Therefore, I can imagine that she puts pressure on the girls. I fully understand their compromised situation but I also worry that with time they’ll repeat mother’s behaviour.... I just wonder if anyone had positive experiences of such dynamic changing in the future?

My advice would be to walk away from the drama-fueled nightmare. You really want to deal with this shit for the rest of your life? Moving in with him amid all this turmoil was a huge mistake, and I suggest you move out as soon as possible. Life is far too short for this nonsense. You will always be the monkey in the middle in this relationship.

I don’t think you should have moved in with him. It was sort of possible to manage when you were not living together but not with living together and him having this whole other life that never involves you.

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here, other than the mum if she is encouraging the children to reject you. If that part is true then it’s unlikely to improve. Sometimes things just don’t work out. I’d either go back to living apart if you’re happy with that or end the relationship. In fact I’d probably end the relationship if I saw no indication of it changing as I couldn’t live with such division. Sorry.

Would you and DP be happy to proceed with him only seeing them outside of his home? That’s the only way I can see this situation panning out tbh...

I really don’t think that DC should be influenced to either accept or reject new partners. Their decision.

If there is press

My partner's daughter does not like me. She meets him on her own and asks he does not bring me with him. She has had a baby and I have not been allowed to see it.

We were not always like this but I always had a feeling she did not like me even though we were on good terms. Now there is no pretence at all and no reasonable explanation as to why.
He treads on eggshells around her because he loves her and is afraid of her falling out with him. However her pettiness does not spoil our lives but if it did and i were in a similar position to you OP I would not stand for it. It is simply not right what they are doing and if your bloke won't do anything about it then you will be living like this forever and that is no good for any of you really.

It’s hard to be the daughter in this situation. Mine isn’t identical, but my dad left my mum for my when I was 17, and I refused to meet her for years and years - until my early 20s. I was doing it out of loyalty to my mum, and I think also felt that it was nothing to do with me. She was my dad’s new partner, I didn’t need a relationship with her.

Now, 20 years down the line or so, we are friends and everyone gets on well. The thing that changed was my mum - she decided to meet my stepmum, and after that it felt childish to me to refuse to meet her (though I did feel a bit betrayed by mum!!!). I do wonder, if she hadn’t done that, if id have met her ever...

Not quite the same but my sd hated me for a while and she likes me again now. She was great through us dating and very excited when we got married and moved in together, then as soon as we told the kids I was pregnant with DD2 she switched and despised me. Made all kinds of false accusations, was openly rude and insulting to me, told me over and over I was going to lose the baby. It was a really hard time as we thought we'd done everything right, taken it slowly, made sure the kids were happy every step of the way then BOOM she hated me and didn't want me near her. She was only 8 and she lives on the opposite side of the UK to the rest of us so I could see where the anger and upset was coming from but it was still horrible to deal with. DH had to be very loving but firm with her, have a LOT of 1-1 time, set strict boundaries and I mostly just backed off until she started to come round. Tbh the biggest turning point was when DD was actually born because she adores her. Were certainly not as close as we were when she was little any more and I'm still a bit wary of her but the situation is a million times better than it was.

Obviously its harder with older kids, particularly the teenager, but I think your DP needs to set firm boundaries and stick to them, because it sounds like they're just telling him whats what and hes complying

Take the ex out if the equation teenagers are old enough to know how to behave for some reason they are choosing not to its up to your boyfriend to deal with not you and he clearly doesn't want to

OP if you don't want to split up, and if you can live with things the way they are, it's not the worst outcome you could have as at least it's fairly low conflict for you.

I have a friend who has 2 SDs, who are now late teens / early twenties. Throughout her relationship with their dad they have been nothing but rude and mean to her, she is ignored in her own home (one of them is currently living with her and her DH and paying zero keep even thoughshe works f/t), they whisper about her, refuse to talk to her or even say hello when she gets home from work, they complain about things in the house that aren't to their specific tastes etc etc. Shes WFH at the moment and she hates it because there is such a horrible atmosphere all the time, she's always going out for walks and sometimes just goes and sits in her car and cries. If it was me I'd have taken a stand by now and made it clear they are not welcome in my home if they can't be civil and polite to me, but my friend is quite meek and hates confrontation so she is basically stuck being badly treated in her own home. Her DH doesn't seem to think it's an issue despite her appealing to him repeatedly to try and sort it out - he just tells her she needs to try harder with his DDs and puts all the responsibility on her for the poor relationship even though it's his kids that are the problem.

I think what I'm saying is by trying to 'resolve' the issue you have of them not meetng you/ coming to yours you could be inviting trouble and conflict to your door and making yours and your DDs life more difficult as a result. Personally I'd leave it and if it starts to bother your partner at some point he will have to work out how to deal with it and do the hard work accordingly.

I’d embrace the situation. It’s their choice, you can have that time with your DD.

You have a dp problem. The best course of action in this situation is none. Your DP needs to deal with his children - all be it adults in this case. No doubt their mother is a massive contributing factor, but yiu can't reason with her so don't try.

It's very sad, that grown ups behave this way. The daughters will have squed views on relationships going forward.

Tbh I don’t think that children should be made to accept a new partner, but having said that I also think it is a really bad idea to move in with someone if you haven’t even met their kids.

He clearly doesn’t want to deal with this, and to an extent I can see why, as he equally can’t make his kids accept you so he is also stuck between them and you.

Personally I would walk away now.

At the end of the day DP must put his children first if they are adamant to him that they won’t entertain you he is in a very difficult place himself.

You knew all this yet still moved in together in my opinion that’s just silly, why would it have changed the dynamic?

You have two options here accept what it is and try and make the best of it with your DP.

Or you part ways as others have said it maybe the best option but you can’t blame your DP as he is in a very difficult situation with two parties to try and please.

It’s impossible for him and I suspect he feels a huge amount of guilt for both you and his children.

If you're sticking it out, then really all there is, is more time.

It may be that the 18 yr old will come round when she's independent of her mum and potentially influence her sister to do the same. Or perhaps later in life one or other or both may soften - like when they have dc of their own, they might.

Unfortunately it's a mixture of their mum "poisoning the well" and loyalty to her, so it's whether they see that or are prepared to go against it later on. It's not their fault and I don't see any way of making them accept you.

Thank you for all your replies. I agree - moving in together was a bad idea, it came from DP but I should have said no to that, we are now considering moving back to our respective homes.
I wish I could talk to the girls so that they at least give me a chance but all attempts and suggestions have always been rejected.
The older, almost 18 year old is not as much of an issue: she’ll be off to university soon. But the younger one is with dad 50% of her time and there are a few years ahead still of this arrangement.
A lot to think about.

Walk away OP I can assure you it isn't worth the hassle and heart ache it brings. Whilst I agree your DP is in a difficult decision I do believe he should stand up for you. Whilst they are he's children they can not be allowed to rule the roost, he will never find true happiness whilst they are dictating this and that. I say the children because at 18 years old the ex can't be totally to blame they are grown adults who have their own mind