Long term partner’s teenage daughters completely reject me

[Malena77]

I’ve been in a relationship for the last 4 years. Throughout this time, my boyfriend’s daughters (now almost 18 and 11) consistently refused to have any contact with me, I’ve never even spoken to them. Their mother has never accepted the breakdown of marriage (though no third parties were involved) and allegedly puts pressure on the girls to reject me (and my teenage daughter who supports the relationship). My boyfriend, worried that he would lose his children’s love, has been passive in dealing with it. He leads two separate lives: one with children on days when they are together, one with me. I was not allowed to visit his home when the children were there, to participate in any events with extended family in their presence, etc.
Bf & I recently moved in together, hoping that this would change the dynamic, but the girls refused to even visit the new place. They will only see their dad at the ‘old’ house.
I’m losing hope that the situation will change. It’s been 4 years with no progress at all. This is not about my ego, or replacing mum or ‘old’ family but about creating a healthy, respectful environment for everyone..
Has any of you been in similar situation? What advice would you give?

Dad’s telling me this. Plus his ex sent me a text message a while ago saying that the kids categorically don’t want anything to do with me. I once went to his house when they were there and they disappeared upstairs without a word. Next week he asked me not to come to the house when they were there as this caused them such distress.
The more posts I read the more I realise how bad the situation really is 😳. It’s sobering.

After your last update: I'd walk away. Way too much drama. You deserve more than this.

The mum is really wrong here. The kids aren't rejecting YOU as they don't even know you. They're listening to the mum's objection to her ex having anyone in his life and that's unfair to you, your partner, and the kids.

I don't know what the solution is, or if there even is one, but when the older one turns 18 maybe your partner can help her move out of her mum's place into her own flat or a flat share and start trying to un-do the damage done by the mum. Once she is away from the home and free to make her own decisions she may see how controlling her mum has been and become open to you.

Looking to the future, when they get married you will be sat at home while DP goes to their wedding, guess it will be okay for their mothers partner to be there though. The when kids come along and you're not allowed to have anything to do with them either. You will always be on the sidelines not allowed to be involved with a huge chunk of his life.
What's the point of living just half a life with him.

He needs to talk to his daughters and tell them how it is. You can't be dismissed forever, and it seems like hard work when actually you could all just try and be civil. I get they are probably very resentful that their dad is with someone that isn't their mum, but your situation isn't unusual and I think your partner is making it worse by keeping you pushed out. He just needs to own it with them that you are in a relationship together and you aren't there to replace their mum.

The thing that jumped out at me was this. Your thread title says 'teenage daughters'. But his younger one is ELEVEN. She's possibly still in primary and is nowhere near a teenager. She's really little, and he has her 50% of the time. It's as if you want to downplay - and I would understand why - the level of parenting and commitment that's actually required from him, and to try and minimise. To pull him nearer your 'end of the scale' and on a par with you with your truly almost independent child. It's the same with the 18 year old 'not being a problem as she's off to university soon' - no, if she doesn't accept you she will still be 'a problem'.

Walk away. This would be bad enough if he really WAS a father to 'teens' but he's actually a deeply involved dad to a child either still in or immediately out of primary school. She's nowhere near a teenager, OP, and although there looks to be a LOT wrong here there is no way he is going to be taking a harder line or stepping back from 50-50 any time soon. You are wasting your time.

You need to be really careful ina situation like this. If your primary source of information about the breakdown of their marriage is your partner, you might be missing some important details.

I know of one person who claimed to his new partner that his ex prevented him from seeing his DC out of spite/jealousy/not being able to let go.

But in fact he just didn’t turn up to collect his DC because he didn’t want them meeting his new family, as things surrounding the breakdown of the marriage would have come out. Things like gambling debts, infidelity, domestic violence.

Always be suspicious of “crazy ex” stories. Sometimes they aren’t crazy. Sometimes they are crazy, but with cause.

Thank you all. It’s a difficult read.

We had a conversation last night about the future. There’s is a very minimal chance of the children changing their attitude towards me, and in his mind it would be getting a permission from their mother to do so. And just like it is now, in the future, if the girls decide that I’m not allowed to go to family gatherings, participate in family life, he will comply out of love and fear of a fallout and the girls being punished by their mother for an interaction with me.

They have both attended counselling but it has not resulted in any change.

He thinks he has a good relationship with them. I don’t think he has :( the loyalties are 100% with mum and he can never do well enough.

You got nothing here love, this isn’t going to work, you deserve so much better

This is only going to get worse when the youngest is a teen.

Walk. Keep walking.

I would like to ask why the mother has so much vitriol, I don't believe for a moment 100% of what he is telling you

Sites like this must be full of so called crazy, abusive, narcissistic exes because that is what you are led to believe if you are only fed one side to the story.

I would always suggest digging to find out a bit more about the mother because for all you know, she might have been extremely badly treated by her ex ( your partner) which is what caused her vitriol in the first place.

A quick perusal on here would suggest husbands who don't pull their weight at home, have an affair, lack of sex, too much alcohol/ drug/sport/ selfish/ porn / gambling habit / abusive etc to be a cause of anger and upset in families where the wife is left to cope with an unsupportive husband.

Is your DH perfect? Any red flags?

Is he the best dad he can be?

His DDS are the product of their environment and the role models in their lives.

If they are as rude as you say they are, do you honestly believe there is no reason for that?

You are very naiive to think your partner hasn't had a big role in that.

I hope your dd hasn't had to deal with any fallout from all this dysfunction your relationship has encased you in.

If I was your dd I would be appalled at how badly you are treated and I would want the best for you.

Please have higher standards for yourself op! Partnerships never exist in a vacuum.

I should introduce you to my OH ex.

Crazy doesn’t cover it. Not by a long chalk. Evil. Proper evil. Even to hurting her own daughter when it means she gets £100 extra on top of the (literally) thousands she was getting.

Some people really are as awful as you’re told.

In our case, his dd was nice, then totally alienated against her dad and now she’s a mini version of the crazy ex. To the point that oh has panic attacks.

Christ, life is too short.

Is this really how you want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years? Being excluded from weddings, the birth of grandchildren, family events, Christmas, birthdays?

I've dated someone who had a fractious relationship with their ex (the children involved were much younger) and I am eternally grateful that I left the relationship when I did.

You deserve so, so much better than this.

I absolutely feel for you. You are in an impossible position and the only person who can fix the dynamics is him. It's awful being in limbo. If he's unwilling to go the distance and change the dynamics then you have limited options or acceptance or leave. It's a stark choice. But you have to do what's right for you.

His ex IS a disturbed person (narcissistic mother, I won’t go into details but police and girls’ psychotherapists can’t be that wrong); however, his way of managing it is not helping anybody and I’m fully aware of it.
It’s difficult to end a relationship when you truly love someone but I know that the future looks bleak.

MzHz so sorry to hear about your experience.

Hard as it is you have to accept the situation or move on. Equally you cannot let his poisonous ex who has obviously influenced her children ruin your relationship. You have your daughter and your own lives to live. You sound like you’ve tried but doesn’t look like the situation will resolve.

I would be seriously considering splitting households, and having my own place.
Please tell us he pulls his weight financially and domestically, because if you’re the one washing his socks and cooking his meals while he’s away 50% of the time, I’ll be mad on your behalf.

OP the only way this may stop is when the mother dies.

Been in a similar situation with my ex. His kids are now late 20's and it never got any better. I knew ex was passive about it all and it caused quite a few arguments but I guess I hoped it would all resolve itself in time - naive I know! . So glad I'm out of it.
It might take the thought of losing you over this to make your DP do something but my bet would be on him moving back to his own house and you being kept at arms length.

When my parents split up (I was 15 - am now 47!) and my dad moved in with his new partner my mother put massive pressure on me not to have anything to do with her. My mother insisted that I was being 'used' and that seeing the new partner was treating her as if she were dead. I knew my mother was manipulative but I felt I owed her as she had done everything for me and was the 'victim' in the split; my father had constant affairs and never did squat around the house or for me and my brother. I felt a bit guilty about it, but ultimately I was a child dealing with parents first unhappily married and then divorced and a manipulative and critical mother. I didn't feel I owed my father's partner anything.

Why would you even put yourself through this. You are hoping that a very difficult situation would somehow resolve itself? Don't you see that moving in together has made them further resist you. His kids will always come first, rightly so. Walk away, there really is no solution to this.

There is a thread about LTA (living together apart) that you may find very useful.

I don’t think the girls will change but if you have a good relationship other than this, it may be better to continue as you are, you live together, he sees his kids in the other house. But he needs to grow a spine when it comes to extended family activities, the girls cannot be dictating when you are allowed to join or not.

Here’s the thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

Yikes, what a hornet's nest op! I guess your DP couldn't have known how it would be when you met, or maybe could have warned you.

I think 'living together apart' (new term I just learnt from this thread!) sounds like it might be worth looking into. It might be nicer in a way! How is he managing to have his younger dd 50% of the time, sorry? Is he moving back into his old place 50% of the time? Not to be too mercenary, but is that not a bit of a waste of money? Paying for rent / mortgage on two places?

Shybutnotretiring - thank you for your comment. Have you ever made any contact with your father’s partner, after years passed?

My DP (and myself) have certainly underestimated the consequences of moving in together and the pressure on the girls to stay loyal to mother, even at the risk of having less or no contact with dad.

DP is a very good partner: caring, loving, responsible and stable in all other aspects of life. This makes the decision so difficult.

KarmaNoMore - thank you for the link. I’m learning...