Long term partner’s teenage daughters completely reject me

[Malena77]

I’ve been in a relationship for the last 4 years. Throughout this time, my boyfriend’s daughters (now almost 18 and 11) consistently refused to have any contact with me, I’ve never even spoken to them. Their mother has never accepted the breakdown of marriage (though no third parties were involved) and allegedly puts pressure on the girls to reject me (and my teenage daughter who supports the relationship). My boyfriend, worried that he would lose his children’s love, has been passive in dealing with it. He leads two separate lives: one with children on days when they are together, one with me. I was not allowed to visit his home when the children were there, to participate in any events with extended family in their presence, etc.
Bf & I recently moved in together, hoping that this would change the dynamic, but the girls refused to even visit the new place. They will only see their dad at the ‘old’ house.
I’m losing hope that the situation will change. It’s been 4 years with no progress at all. This is not about my ego, or replacing mum or ‘old’ family but about creating a healthy, respectful environment for everyone..
Has any of you been in similar situation? What advice would you give?

Imagine how messed up your future will be. When/if his girls get married, you won't be invited, if they have children, they won't be letting the grandchildren anywhere near you and your partner will have to deal with that, and big life events and you are the permanent outsider, Christmas time will be a nightmare, and on and on and on.

Why on earth would you sign up for a life filled with this bullshit? Even if you stay with him, I think all this drama will eventually doom this relationship anyway.

I think you made a big mistake moving in with this man, it doesn’t sound like the situation is going to change and he’s not willing to stand up to the ex or force his kids to meet you. I think he’s being unreasonable and at the ages of 18 and 11 the kids are old enough to except that their father is in a new relationship despite what their mum tells them.

I would be walking away from this unless you want to put up with this for the next god knows how many years. I know I wouldn’t put up with it.

I can’t believe you moved in with people who you’ve never spoken to and who have a very well expressed issue with you. How arrogant.

@Aquamarine1029

Imagine how messed up your future will be. When/if his girls get married, you won't be invited, if they have children, they won't be letting the grandchildren anywhere near you and your partner will have to deal with that, and big life events and you are the permanent outsider, Christmas time will be a nightmare, and on and on and on.

Why on earth would you sign up for a life filled with this bullshit? Even if you stay with him, I think all this drama will eventually doom this relationship anyway.

You'd be surprised what relationships can survive tbh. Not at all like the op, but my dad and his partner are together despite the entire extended family, all of the children and her children refusing to have much to do with either of them at all. This has nothing to do with pressure from my mum btw, as she was dead before they (officially) got together. Somehow they stay together! They would rather be together than have any interaction with anyone else in their families, including seeing their grandchildren. FWIW, although I don't strictly approve of their relationship, I try to stay civil, but I'm probably the only one who does. I live a long way away, so we don't see much of each other anyway, but definitely even less so because of their relationship, but I am civil, get her christmas presents etc and nod and smile when my dad talks about her. But yes, they are still together. I don't think it's a very nice relationship, (bit toxic and she has a bit of a drink problem), but they still manage to cling on. Some relationships can survive ANYTHING. Whether they should is another question.

this sounds extremely difficult but I think ultimatly these girls deserve compassion because of their toxic mother, she will be making them feel very guilty and poisoning their minds.

YouBoughtMeAWall - I didn’t move in with the children but I understand that my story may be confusing. Life is complex, we make mistakes and we learn...I’m here for the learning. Your harsh comment is hurtful but helpful.

Why has the mother such an issue with you, if you met him after they were divorced and she's with someone else.

Narcistic or whatever else, she must have her reason, she must have given one to her daughter's so what is it?

He thinks he has a good relationship with them. I don’t think he has sad the loyalties are 100% with mum and he can never do well enough

Did the girls have counselling to help their relationship with their father? It is family therapy that's needed...him and his daughters. I have seen Dads assume they have good relationships but it's often superficial and based on time together rather than connection. Is he a man who can express empathy, can he take on board empathy? Given you can change the Ex he has to change how he is dealing with it.

Btw, Being a step parent is a thankless task at the best of times and you are signing upto a life of drama if this isn't resolved..and it isn't likely to have a happy ending.

Think about how your daughter would have felt when she was 7, this is the mindset your partner needs to relate to.

Even when I was an adult I saw my dad's partner extremely rarely. We would virtually only see dad at my mother's house, which no doubt his partner hated. I felt rather weak for letting my mother dictate this - I had a friend in a similar position who successfully insisted that her mother drop the how can you see these people who have ruined my life stuff. If it's any consolation I think my father and his partner were reasonably happy for the 25 years they were together until his death. But he moved into his partner's home. He could hardly order her out of her own home! I'm not in contact with her now.

@dontdisturbmenow

Jealousy, that is normally enough reason.

It’s been helpful to reach out here and read your comments. In hindsight, moving in together has been a huge mistake but you live and learn.
My own divorce was mutually agreed, my dc was never put in a position on having to prove loyalties to either parent. We all moved on pretty quickly.
When you meet someone, you discover the layers of complexities of their situation with time. Sometimes people are not aware of how dysfunctional their life is because they don’t know any different.
Anyway - lots to think about. We’ve decided to move back to our respective homes and take it from there.

OP,

Why do you think so little of yourself and accept such awful treatment.

Thank god your daughter is grown and living away from such an awful role modeling of a relationship. 🙄.

Everything is on his terms.

You are his dirty little bit on the side that isn't worthy of standing up for.

You have done nothing wrong but he thinks its ok for you to be so disrespected.

He must have some opinion of himself.

No man is worth this. Ever.

Why would you accept such a role from any man.

Unbelievable.

You deserve better.

What a future you are looking forward too.

No weddings, graduations, family holida, grandchildren......just a department of his life that suits him.

Why would you settle for so for your later years.
Such disrespect and humiliation.
Unbelievable.

Sometimes people are not aware of how dysfunctional their life is because they don’t know any different

That is very wise. We assume people we meet, especially in later life, will have similar values to us. I think your partner is caught up in a toxic drama that won't go away easily. It will blight your life as there is energy expended even when you are kept out of it. It must make him discussing 50% of his time with his daughters almost impossible

Hi OP, I know of one positive outcome in a situation like this. My friend and her brother handled their father's infidelity very differently. Her brother saw the betrayal as a reflection of how little family life meant to his dad and refused to meet the new partner and a rift ensued for over 15 years. Eventually my friends lovely mum became unwell and she told him to make peace with his dad if he could (not necessarily forgive) and they now have contact every few months including the new new partner (he changed partner every few years).

I know infidelity was not a factor here but divorce can feel like a huge betrayal of one's hopes and dreams and the safety net of life can be ripped away. For his children I guess they do not need to know you to have a good separate relationship with their dad. They were at a delicate age when you met and still are.

I think if you can handle this separate life feeling and your partner agrees to meeting them at neutral locations in time (when they are older adults) they may feel differently.

@Malena77 sorry if this sounds harsh but these girls owe you absolutely nothing. Regardless of their reasons, you're literally a random woman they didn't choose, who happens to date their dad. You're essentially encroaching on the family they have grown up in and spent all of their lives in (of course it's not your intention but this is their family and they were there from birth).

Girlfriends/partners come and go and they should be their dad's first priority at the end of the day.

If it is affecting you badly (and understandable if it is) I would end the relationship.

Mismatch, most people don’t owe anything to anyone, we don’t get to choose most people around us. Arriving into someone’s circle later on the day is no reason to blank and exclude another person, particularly the one that will be taking care of their dad while they are living their life.

She should possibly end it, not because they girls are horrible but because the dad has no spine and is held to ransom by his DDs. It is an unhealthy and mean parent and daughters relationship.