Long term partner’s teenage daughters completely reject me

[Malena77]

I’ve been in a relationship for the last 4 years. Throughout this time, my boyfriend’s daughters (now almost 18 and 11) consistently refused to have any contact with me, I’ve never even spoken to them. Their mother has never accepted the breakdown of marriage (though no third parties were involved) and allegedly puts pressure on the girls to reject me (and my teenage daughter who supports the relationship). My boyfriend, worried that he would lose his children’s love, has been passive in dealing with it. He leads two separate lives: one with children on days when they are together, one with me. I was not allowed to visit his home when the children were there, to participate in any events with extended family in their presence, etc.
Bf & I recently moved in together, hoping that this would change the dynamic, but the girls refused to even visit the new place. They will only see their dad at the ‘old’ house.
I’m losing hope that the situation will change. It’s been 4 years with no progress at all. This is not about my ego, or replacing mum or ‘old’ family but about creating a healthy, respectful environment for everyone..
Has any of you been in similar situation? What advice would you give?

The older, almost 18 year old is not as much of an issue: she’ll be off to university soon. But the younger one is with dad 50% of her time and there are a few years ahead still of this arrangement.

I think you're being a bit shortsighted here. If they don't come round, what happens when they get married, have children etc, and he wants to be around as grandpa? Alright you won't be excluded from his life 50% of the time, but them becoming adults doesn't end the issue. Reduces it I suppose, but it's still not great.

@dewisant2020

Walk away OP I can assure you it isn't worth the hassle and heart ache it brings. Whilst I agree your DP is in a difficult decision I do believe he should stand up for you. Whilst they are he's children they can not be allowed to rule the roost, he will never find true happiness whilst they are dictating this and that. I say the children because at 18 years old the ex can't be totally to blame they are grown adults who have their own mind

If this was a man posting this exact same scenario he would be told that the children are the mothers absolute priority.

MN in a nutshell.

How can the younger one spend 50% of her time with her Dad if he lives with you and doesn't see you?

Does he spend 50% of his time at his ex wife's house? .

I'd stop trying.
Live your life with your partner and be totally ok with him going wherever he wants to see them.
The only non negotiable would be that you won't leave your home in order for them to visit. If they don't want anything to do with you, that's fine. But you won't disappear in order to facilitate that.

That's if you don't want to end the relationship, of course

Dad goes back to his house (that he bought after his divorce) to spend time with the girls; he’s been divorced for 6 years.

I appeared in his life 2 years post divorce, unaware of the ex’s narcissistic and abusive tendencies, and I put down the children’s reaction to a natural and normal reservations about dad’s new partner. I thought that time would change things. 4 years later and the animosity towards me is stronger than ever. Originally the younger one wanted to meet me but was ‘persuaded’ by the older one and mum not to do so, so no wonder she backed off.
Don’t get me wrong: the children are stuck in an unhealthy relationship with mother so I’m not blaming them...I’m just reaching out to get opinions (however brutal!) about this situation.
My divorce was difficult but nowhere near as hostile and I’m on good terms with my ex, my teenage daughter has also moved on a long time ago...this lack of progress and ‘stuckness’ of DP’s situation worries me.

If it were me I think I’d move back to seperate houses, spend time together when he is child free and then just leave them to it when he has his DD, just totally disengage from her and stop trying to make things better.

You sound very lovely and your wish to make things work is admirable, but honestly I don’t think this is something you can win while the girls are young and still influenced by their mum

Actually, I think his kids need to get a grip, especially the 18yo. Do they think their dad should just never have a relationship again?

You only like one half of your partner, the part he is with you.

The other part he puts his DDS needs and wants before your needs and wants and always will do for the rest of your lives.

You have moved in with someone who 50% of the time is wishing you would go away and not cause him trouble between him and his girls.

Of course you should go back to your own homes!

Please spend time and your precious life and forge relationships with people who love you and want to be with you and be kind and loving and caring towards you, you only live once after all!

Cut your looses as soon as you can op and look forward to a bright, shiny new future without all that no- win, negative dysfunction!

Really excited for your new life op

*losses!

Has he had relationships before you?

I have seen this issue before and the root of the issue is usually because the parent doesn't have a good enough relationship. Children will push back on new partners, as they don't perceive gain from a 3rd party and actually risk losing more i.e solo time with a parent. If they trust the parent and have a relationship where they feel they will be listened to, they will usually (over time) meet the new partner. Then they start to see that their might be benefits.

Ime, Your partner is the issue, he may not have the relationship with his children that you think he has, or he claims to have. Obviously as you haven't witnessed the dynamics you can't tell.

I am sure your daughter had apprehension about you moving in with a man...think through how you made this work, that is what he needs to do. Our children trust us until we give them reason not to trust us. They are not alienated by the Ex, as he sees them. He needs to build a good foundation and moving in together will have set back his relationship.
At 18 his daughter and him should be able to talk openly, unless it's a superficial relationship caused by failure to deal with past hurts.

He could consider counselling with his oldest.

I think you contacting the Ex was very naive and not appropriate. I am understand your frustration but your partner must solve his own relationship issues rather than involve you.

My teen children don't see their dad's gf of 10 years. They met her a handful of times then said no more.
Ex is definitely the problem here. Unlike when we were together, he suffers from dad guilt and is a massive Disney parent so immediately accepted that contact would be as the kids wanted.
I don't like his gf (who was the ow) but didn't influence the kids opinion at all.

Your partner is nuts to think that you moving in would help. He is obviously entitled to be in a relationship that makes him happy but if he was a woman he'd be slated for prioritizing sex over his kids.

You only have 2 choices in the situation - suck it up or leave. You can't change the girls minds when they won't even meet you. The parents are clearly happy with the current situation so you need to work out whether or not you can tolerate this. Personally I'd be unhappy with separate events like weddings and Christmases and would leave to find someone in a less complicated situation

Oh dear @Malena77

That sounds awful but I have to say I wouldn't have moved in with him until this was either resolved or if it is going to be resolvable I'd have ended it on the basis it isn't fair on anyone.

Moving in has only amplified the situation. You can not fix this, your options are to accept it or move on.

Has his ex never had a relationship in the last 6 years then? Or have his dd's been accepting of that.

I agree you need to disengage. He us not willing to address it and you will be forever excluded from that side of his life at this rate. Birthdays, weddings, potential future grandchildren. You need to decide if you are willing to share a half life with him and just date or if this is a dealbreaker for you.

His ex is in a relationship. My knowledge is that the girls are not overly happy about it but because they don’t get any grief from the dad about engagement with mum’s new partner they are ‘ok’ with him, though not in regular contact.

I think you need to stop trying so hard. If they don't want to accept you as part of their lives that's completely their choice.. But you're still very much part of your DPs life. You can't force them to accept you and like you.. I can imagine it's a hugely difficult situation and the mother sounds controlling.. But if they are going to come round.. Then it's in their time. You can't force them. All that your DP can do is ensure they respect your presence in his life and respect you and him will be staying together.

I think your boyfriend needs to sit each girl down and talk to them individually. Ask the older girl how she would feel if he refused to ever meet a boyfriend of hers ? Ask them if they expect him to be single for ever ? I think perhaps the fact you have a teenage daughter has fuelled the jealousy even more, as they may feel that he might grow to love her as much as them, or something along those lines.
He really should have tackled this when they were 7 and 13 !!
Can he talk to his ex wife at all ? Are you planning on having any children together ?

He & ex have minimal communication, she has court order related to online harassment towards him.
We are definitely not planning children together - both mature adults and happy with the lot we have...
I suggested that he talks to the girls individually and he says he does it. I don’t really know what’s going on in his relationship with the girls, I’m starting to think that because he’s fearful of losing their love he just agrees and goes along with what they want.
I know I can’t force anything. We simply wanted to finally move from ‘dating’ stage to ‘relationship’ stage but it was a premature decision and I can see now that he’s not ready for it.

My daughter is at university abroad and very much focused on her own life now. She has a good relationship with DP, in the past she even wanted to talk to his older girl and ask if she can help - but this was rejected, too.
As you all say: I need to stop trying and accept this for what it is, and then make a decision whether to stay or leave.

I would leave. Your partner is in a very difficult situation. Either he accepts he is never going to have a healthy adult relationship or he forces the issue with his daughters and risks losing them and will no doubt be seen as the bad guy.

Cut your losses life is too short and there will always be drama if you stay with this guy.

@Aquamarine1029

My advice would be to walk away from the drama-fueled nightmare. You really want to deal with this shit for the rest of your life? Moving in with him amid all this turmoil was a huge mistake, and I suggest you move out as soon as possible. Life is far too short for this nonsense. You will always be the monkey in the middle in this relationship.

This. Word for word.

This isn't healthy for his dds.. to nurture such hatred towards their dad's partner who they haven't even met and who didnt have anything to do with their split.

But I can understand how your dp is scared of losing his girls which is a really possibility as their mum sounds abusive.

Not sure what I would do. Maybe speak to a professional (both of you) and see how to best approach it?

How do you know all this OP? Just what he's telling you?

What's happening with his old house? Is he keeping it on just to meet with his daughters?