Would love some support please

[Indianafrankie]

Ok, so have had a couple of posts on here recently about my joke of a relationship and decided that enough is enough and today I have finally ended it. No more lies and cheating and secrecy, I can’t take it anymore and realise I do indeed deserve better. At the moment I am completely on my own apart from my children - literally have no support here at all and would appreciate a hand hold from anyone who has a moment, sorry I know that sounds crazy but I’m in another country and literally going it alone now...thanks

Hand hold op. Congrats on being brave!

New year, new start and all that :)

Seconding what @Wanderlusto said. Well done you, OP, for such a courageous move. It will be difficult for a while but I’m sure it will pay off. Onwards and upwards, OP!

Massive handhold here, remember that lost feeling is temporary, it won't be long before it feels 'normal' not to be with him, you just have to ride it out. I'll be around in fits and starts all night tonight so don't feel alone, post or PM me if you need to talk. You know this is the right thing, it's just a case of gritting your teeth til you get through the hard bit, it will be worth it when your new life starts to take shape. I'm rooting for you, you can do this

Thank you all so much, I know deep down it’s right, I’ve been ignoring my gut instinct for far too long and yes this part is horrendous but I am trying to look forward and find my confidence again

Well done for being so brave and doing what you know is best.

The very best of luck.

Oh this is the horrible part thinking back to all the times I know realised I was being completely lied to

I know I shouldn’t be thinking this at all but actually feel physically sick thinking he’s probably with her now

Op, you've done the hardest bit, things can only get better. Baby steps to get through the next bit, it'll be awful at times but you know this is for the best. Sending you all good wishes

Best present you can give yourself is to find a way to switch off from it, you probably feel like you won't be able to concentrate but if you can lose yourself in tv/movie/book/game/anything it's honestly the best thing you can do. I picked something with several seasons on Netflix and forced myself to put the next episode on whenever I caught myself thinking 'those thoughts'.

It sounds stupid but self-care is everything at a time like this, find something that gives you some solace and use it to the point of obsession for a while if that's what you need, it's still healthier than wasting your thoughts on him. There is a degree of willpower involved but forcing your thoughts away from him will make this tough bit a whole lot easier if you can manage it

Thank you, I know I will get through this but it’s these first few days that are so hard

I didn’t see your other posts, but congratulations on being able to do that. It can only make your life better.

I’ve always found it better to assume that he is with the other woman. It saves you torturing yourself wondering where he is and what he’s doing. The trick is remembering that he’s going to be hurting and lying to and cheating on her now. He’s not your problem anymore. You’re free of him and all of the old bollocks that comes with him.

Get rid of all trace of him. Move your furniture around. Paint your bedroom. Buy new bedding. Stuff he has never seen. If you feel yourself wavering, write a list of everything that is shitty about him, from the big stuff, right down to stinky trainers or the fact that he makes rubbish tea. And then read it over and over until it sticks. You’ve done the right thing 💐

How are you today OP?

Yesterday I wasn’t too bad, today I feel awful

Just take the day hour by hour. You know this will get easier in time just got to get through this bit. Try to get out for some fresh air. Order take away. And watch rubbish tv. You need to grieve. And that takes time.

If you feel like you are really not coping do talk to your gp. Or find some counselling. I was lucky to find a charity who did reduced cost sessions. This gave me a safe place to work through my feelings.

My ex is still with ow. 3 years on. I wish her well. He isn't the man she or I think/thought he is.

You will find peace. It just takes time. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much for your kind words and I’m so sorry this happened to you too. I still feel physically sick which I wish would pass and am just struggling with the fact that I’ll never get closure- he will never admit what he did and always leave me with that feeling that I just didn’t trust him enough

Doesn't matter whether he admits it though does it? You know he lies and that creates distrust and makes you miserable, that's enough. Try to focus on the fact that you're making good choices for yourself, it doesn't matter what he's done/not done, it wasn't making you happy so you left and that was the right thing to do. Whatever he's doing now is irrelevant, you've thrown him back because he's not good enough, don't forget that

I guess not, just doesn’t seem fair that he can walk away completely blameless and care free while I’m sat here suffering

Staying with him would still have meant you suffering too though, but indefinitely rather than the, admittedly horrendous but ultimately temporary, suffering you're going through now. And he will keep on lying and cheating and losing partners as they wise up to him (like you have) and will likely end up alone. Not that it matters, this isn't about him anymore, everything now is about you, getting through this grim bit and then starting to put your life back together. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and think as little as possible for now, autopilot as much as you can and keep distracting yourself when 'those thoughts' creep in, you won't always feel like this, promise

Thank you for taking the time to answer me, I know you’re completely right, just feeling very low today as I can’t even manage simple things like eating, which I really need to do as I lost 2 stone during this ‘relationship’ but can’t shake the sick feeling

Hope you managed to eat something. Even a bite of toast or banana. Hopefully once you had a few mouthful your body might beginning to feel hungry.

Keep talking. I know you want answers and it makes no sense but there isn't any. You just need to look after you right now.

Whatever you do don't message him. Write notes or blank emails. But don't send them. Mumsnet can be your sounding board.

Thank you, I did message him - I know! He sent a blunt reply basically telling me to do one and now he’s ignoring me. I know I was stupid to do that I’m just angry at myself and keep thinking why didn’t I just believe him and shut up, bad day today for sure

Would it help to talk through what actually happened OP? Maybe an objective view on whether he's trustworthy would help? The trouble with 'I should have just believed him' is that you can't, if there's doubt there you can only push it down for so long. I know it's hard, sending you a massive hug

Thank you, I’m aware I sound a little crazy at the moment, my head is all over the place. We were together for 18 months, we live in another country, things had always been difficult because he had a relationship that ended 2 years before he got with me where his partner left and took her son (not biologically his but he’d been a step father for 4 years) and he is still in touch with this child and his own children miss the child too. So he never told anyone about me as he said he didn’t want to hurt his children again if we didn’t work out, he claims to have told his 2 close friends and one family member about me but I don’t know if this is true. I always felt like a secret so I guess over the time I pushed him away a lot. On New Year’s Eve I was told he had been sleeping with another woman, I had seen him out in the town with this woman and her friend before but had always assumed they were just friends. I asked him if this was true and he said no. He said he didn’t know why she would say this and would be talking to her in the morning to find out. A week went by and still he hadn’t spoken to her (she won’t answer the phone etc) despite him claiming he was fuming with her. He also told me in that week that actually he thinks she might have said it because they used to sleep together 7-8 years ago and she wants to be with him and wants people to think they are. So a couple of days ago he rocks up to her work - she comes out for 10 minutes and sits in his car and he claimed to have sorted it. Yes she did say it she doesn’t know why but she won’t say it again and she’s sorry. I said to him did you tell her I exist? Ie you can’t spread rumours like this in a small town I have a partner and it will hurt her, nope he didn’t because apparently she didn’t ask and his private life is his own. Non of it rang true to me so I told him so and he said I should trust him. Something about me didn’t believe him so I ended it. Sorry that was so long and I’m sorry if it makes zero sense.

Thank goodness today is nearly over, it’s been horrendous

I'm sorry it's been a shitty day OP, fingers crossed tomorrow is better for you And no, I wouldn't have believed that either. There's always a 'crazy ex/friend' with men like him, which actually just means he's trying to throw you off the scent that he's got both of you on the go.

Tbh even if he wasn't up to anything, him leaving speaking to her for so long when he knew how upsetting it must have been for you, and his wishy-washy response to her explanation would be enough to warrant you walking away anyway. He clearly doesn't know your worth if he thinks he can treat you like that and you'll stay, good job you know your worth xx