Would love some support please

[Indianafrankie]

Ok, so have had a couple of posts on here recently about my joke of a relationship and decided that enough is enough and today I have finally ended it. No more lies and cheating and secrecy, I can’t take it anymore and realise I do indeed deserve better. At the moment I am completely on my own apart from my children - literally have no support here at all and would appreciate a hand hold from anyone who has a moment, sorry I know that sounds crazy but I’m in another country and literally going it alone now...thanks

I should have walked away a long time ago but there was just something different about him at the start, that sounds ridiculous. My childhood was horrendous so I think I have very low expectations from a relationship but that needs to change now. He fluctuated between doing and saying all the right things to going cold and disappearing. Each time I said no and broke away he would come back, this time I know he won’t and I think that’s because his secret is out, I don’t think I was ever meant to get this close to his life - he has used the language barrier a lot for this as well, but the mother of his children (happily in her own relationship now and gets on well enough with him) told me I wasn’t the only one he was sleeping with as she had no idea we were even in a relationship- after I’d bought Christmas presents for his children. He has made a complete fool out of me and it will take me a long time to forgive him for that, especially given he knew all about my childhood

I also feel like I’ve completely let myself down, his ex partner was by all accounts perfect whereas he said to me that this other woman was someone he could never see a future with, I know what he meant (I don’t agree just know what he was thinking) as she is more of a party girl whereas his ex partner was the mother figure and always dressed and made up immaculately. I feel like I was on some sort of trial to live up to her and instead I cried, broke down and on the night I found out he’d been cheating on me drank too much wine. On top of not sleeping and loosing 2 stone over a year - now 7 stone I just failed and turned into someone I think he despises now as I will never obviously be perfect enough. Last time when we were food shopping he even suggested I should eat baby food so at least I’m eating, how do I ever ever regain any dignity when he can’t even look at me

We always think people will see us as the fool in situations like this, in fact more people than you realise see straight through his type (or have seen him do this to other women) and will view him as the fool.

The older I get the more I realise how little what other people think of me actually matters anyway, far too many people stay in bad situations or relationships because of shame or fear of what others will think when all that really matters is what we think of ourselves. You can see already that this relationship has taken from you, diminished you and your sense of self and that matters far more than what anyone else thinks of you. You deserve to put every bit of your energy into rebuilding your self confidence and emerging a stronger, wiser woman instead of wasting it worrying about other people.

He doesn't deserve your forgiveness, men like him will look for vulnerabilities like a difficult childhood and exploit them to their advantage. Thanks to him you're now better armed with knowledge of how these men operate and can be on your guard so at least he's served some useful purpose! Sending more hugs, hope you're ok

Sorry, hadn't seen your last post. This was never about you being 'perfect enough', if his ex was so perfect why isn't he still with her? All those little comments were designed to put you down, make you feel like 'less' so he could keep you quiet and grateful and stop you demanding decent treatment and an honest relationship. And that's not because there is or was anything wrong with you, it's because there's something very wrong with him.

You don't realise it but you have your dignity, you've refused to be treated like that anymore and you've walked away, it doesn't get any more dignified than that. But he is right about one thing, you do need to eat something, have you managed anything today?

Actually today was the first time I’ve felt a bit hungry for a moment and had my first proper meal - thank you for asking, he would say how she helped his kids with their homework and his children still miss her - 2 years later, but, he still is a dad to her child as he brought him up from 4-8 so he says he’s the only dad he’s ever known, he speaks to him 3 times a week and sends money etc. He said he’s not with her because the son was struggling here, his children’s mother says this is rubbish and she wanted to leave him so she did and the only reason her children can’t move on is because he won’t let them. Non of it sounds right to me.

Gosh this is starting to remind me of one of those generic quotes I read a while back where it said - you don’t realise how badly someone treated you until you start explaining it to someone else...I’m so sorry you are that someone- please don’t feel like you have to answer me

Christ he couldn't lay straight in bed could he?!! His whole life sounds like a web of lies and rewritten history, no wonder your head's a mess. It's amazing how different things start to look when you're out of it and can get some kind of outside perspective though isn't it? The things you let him convince you were ok or understandable but which you can now see were obviously dodgy as hell, difficult to see at the time though when he's playing Mr Nice at the same time. Glad you've managed to eat something today, I know it's hard when it's the last thing you feel like

Happy to listen OP, MN has done it for me in the past so I'm just paying it forward x

Thank you, I hope to pay it forward as well, you have helped me so much, he’s full of it isn’t he? But why?

Because he's fucked up in some way, past trauma/MH issue/personality disorder/ just plain abusive, take your pick! Point is it isn't about you, it's something deeply wrong with him and you could spend the rest of your life trying to work it out and still get nowhere.

All that matters now is you, getting through this tough part and then working out what you want for the future and making sure your boundaries are solid so you're as protected as you can be against future arseholes. Have you ever looked at the Freedom Programme? You can do it online for £12 and it teaches you all about abuse and how to spot it in your relationships www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I will look at that this evening once the children are in bed, thank you. Today I’m at the disgusted with him stage he is absolutely disgusting to me now. Also I got out into town to sit and have a coffee and for the first time I can see just how abusive he was, and you’re right I will never know why but I don’t care, I need to make sure I’m never that vulnerable again that people can take advantage of my fragility, how someone can live with themselves knowing they’ve reduced someone to the point where they are suggesting they eat baby food for vitamins and is dropping tablets round to calm them I will never know, but that’s because I could never do that to someone but we’re not all the same are we!

Disgusted by him is good! As is focusing on building yourself up instead of letting what he's done drag you down, I'm glad you're realising it wasn't your fault. You will still have down moments so please don't be afraid to post if you're having a wobble, it's lovely to hear you sounding stronger and more positive but no one here expects you to be strong all the time.

The Freedom Programme is excellent, they run a face to face version in normal times (in the UK at least, not sure where you are in the world) which is even better but the online one is definitely worth doing.

You're honestly doing so much better than you think, try and do something nice for yourself today and eat something if you can

Thank you, trying to look to the future now knowing for the first time I will never ever go back there, it’s sad because a friend of mine flew out to see me in the summer and said I was a shadow of myself and still I didn’t listen, still getting the horrible thoughts of him in bed with this other woman but I guess that will eventually pass too.

Also wish the moments of questioning my own sanity would go as well. Nearly every evening he was meeting with this other woman and her friend and their kids- I was newer invited even though he knew I’m alone here, but I still thought nothing of it, one evening I needed to buy something and saw all three of them sitting together so I went over to ask him where I could buy it from and he looked shocked to see me and the two women got up and left, he said they were going to smoke anyway and not to do with me. I think he told them I’m some crazy English woman who keeps needing his help and he left the park the other day because I think he told his friend he’d tried to get rid of me but I keep following him, I just feel so angry that he can paint this picture of me! I was his bloody girlfriend!

I think you doing amazing your obviously very strong,I'm a week into separating from my partner of 12 years I won't bore you with the details!it was so hard for the 1st few days,but I feel ok now I just keep telling myself I deserve better,stay strong x

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, you would never bore me if you want to talk I’m here but if you don’t I understand, but I’m certain yes you absolutely do deserve better and that you are incredibly strong as well x

There's so much to tell I've been a mug for far to long,dating websites,gambling but the final straw was a cocaine addiction I knew nothing about,but him and his addictions are in the past and I'm looking forward to the future x

You weren’t a mug you were in love and just wanted your relationship to work, you don’t just give up on 12 years lightly- I was with my children’s father for the same time. But yes that is way way more than you should ever have to accept and put up with and you can see that now - we all have a breaking point no matter what, you are doing amazingly x

That's so true,I've reached my breaking point and there's no going back,what have you got planned for the evening x

Exactly the same with me, as hard as this is I can’t even look at him anymore without wanting to throw up, not much feed and bath the kids, put them to bed and then a glass of wine and tv for one! You? x

I'm in the same mind when I see him I want to wipe that smug look off his face(I don't condone violence but for him I could make an exception lol joking he's not worth the energy)My evening consists of a takeaway for myself and the kids and then a glass of wine and tv x

Ah that sounds perfect, I can barely eat at the moment you are doing so well, I don’t blame you at all you have been through so much, I did want to rant at my ex now I just can’t be arsed and know that keeping my dignity despite what he tells others about me will make me feel better in the end, and yes they’re not worth anymore of our energy they’ve already taken enough from us, one day people will see them both for who they really are but by that point we won’t even care anymore x

Evening ladies. Hope you have your feet up and a bit of something lovely to treat yourself.

Hang on in there it does get easier. My ex won't even come to the door anymore. Just text to send kids out.

I clearly make him feel too guilty. Which is funny really as I have gone completely no contact for six months now. Other than when he asks to see the children. I've given up trying to make him pay child support and be a decent person/father. I've cut him off completely from me. My mental well being is in a much better place for it.

@unicornsarereal72 good evening,hru?my feet are definitely up and I have a glass of wine! This is my second long term relationship to end,but I'm happy and so are the kids(youngest one is his)im just going to concentrate on me and the kids from now on,my god i pick some creepers
@indianafrankie,please make sure you eat I didn't for the 1st few days,but once I did I felt so much better(now I can't stop eating) x

So glad to hear you’re in a better place mentally that’s what I need to work on, he spun me a right load of rubbish for our entire relationship but I was blinded by who knows what as even at this early stage he now makes my skin crawl, you’ve been so strong to get to where you are now I know I will be but just wish I didn’t have to go through this to get there x