Would love some support please

[Indianafrankie]

Ok, so have had a couple of posts on here recently about my joke of a relationship and decided that enough is enough and today I have finally ended it. No more lies and cheating and secrecy, I can’t take it anymore and realise I do indeed deserve better. At the moment I am completely on my own apart from my children - literally have no support here at all and would appreciate a hand hold from anyone who has a moment, sorry I know that sounds crazy but I’m in another country and literally going it alone now...thanks

Thank you, I hope to look back on all this soon and really see it for what it was but for now I’m hurting so thank you for helping and supporting me when you really don’t have to. Yes I agree, especially when he was the one on new year saying he would speak to her as he was fuming. To me waiting over a week was ridiculous. I saw him for 2 minutes this evening as it turns out one of my children had left something in his car and he said he never wants to see me again as clearly he can’t make me happy and I’m not eating or sleeping because of him 🙄

Very good at turning himself into the victim isn't he? Google DARVO and see if it seems familiar. Wishing you a good nights sleep and a better day tomorrow

Thank you, yes he was very good at that and actually reading all that was quite frightening as so much of it was true, gosh I thought I had more sense and intuition.

Why does it have to be your fault for not being intuitive? No one catches every red flag OP and we really need to stop beating ourselves up when someone we thought we could trust turns out to be a manipulative, lying shit. Unfortunately the only way to get better at spotting the signs is experience and, now you can see the behaviour for what it is, it's likely you'll spot it a mile off in the future. The Lundy Bancroft book gets recommended a lot on here and it's well worth reading all of it if you have time but the 'Types of Abusive Men' section in particular is eye opening www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Wow one of the sections in there literally ticked every box, I think I just made too many excuses for him when actually I should have said no I’m not happy. For now I’m going to try and focus on building myself up again, managed to eat a bit today, I know I will get through this of course but it will take a while - I completely lost myself to this man and that scares me.

You know that idea of a person who's won the lottery rolling around on a bed covered 10 layers deep with banknotes?

That's where you are, but with self esteem and boundaries as currency. Which is even better.

You lost yourself to him because you're a good person through and through, and that makes it difficult to understand when people act so differently to how you ever could. It's much easier to doubt your own perception... and that's the self-esteem plug pulled.

You've done the right thing. You are ace.

Thank you so much, I definitely don’t feel it but that helps me keep going as I hope one day I will. Definitely lost all my self esteem but firmly have my boundaries back again now. What you said makes total sense - I can not understand his behaviour or the motives behind it, but maybe I don’t need to understand anymore

I think the key to closure is in accepting that you will never understand. But why would you want to? I'll never understand how somebody could be motivated to torture another person, for example, or steal someone's child. But I don't want to understand. I don't even want to start going down the path towards trying to understand.

You left him because you're not the same. It's implicit. If you could understand him, you'd have stayed.

If you'd lost all your self esteem, you wouldn't have been able to leave him. There's a bit of you that's kicking and screaming your truth, and that's all you need. Think how little an acorn is. And how big an oak.

And to top it all off have just had to ask one of the school mums here to help me (language barrier) with regards to getting an sti test, yes must be done but utterly humiliating

That’s true, there must be a small part of me still there - thank you for those words

Struggling so much today, saw him last night happily getting in with his life and he looked straight through me like I wasn’t even there, also found out that the woman he was sleeping with is at least 10 years younger than me so feeling really old and stupid as well, sorry just needed to get that out.

Oh OP, last thing you needed What I want to say won't feel true right now because you're hurting but you'll think back one day and realise I was right. What you've lost is not worth your tears, you would never have had a happy, trusting relationship with this man and he would have continued to make you miserable for as long as you'd stayed with him. The pain you feel now is temporary, it will ease with time (less than you think) and you will pick yourself up and move on with your life. You will be happy again and you will go into any new relationships armed with what you've learned in this one and more able to pick out the losers. And he is a loser, incapable of an honest relationship and you deserve better than that. Do something nice for yourself today, sending you an unmumsnetty hug

Thank you so much, I guess today is just a really really bad one, the town we are in as well is tiny and I have the choice of either taking my children to the one place there is to play and have to sit and see him with her or not take the children 🤦‍♀️

It hurts not so much seeing them together but the lies - he swore to me he would never sit with her again and had blocked her on his phone as she was lying but I bet they will be there together which is just awful

That's rubbish about the park, speaks volumes about you as a person and a mum that you'll still go rather than the kids missing out though, you're much braver and stronger than you realise. He's just proving you right if he's there with her though, who hangs around with someone who's told lies and cost him his relationship? What he told you stunk of bs because it was bs and you've shown you won't stand for that, you can hold your head high if you see them knowing she's stuck with someone you rejected for not being good enough for you. She hasn't exactly won the star prize has she?

Thank you - yes my children definitely have to come first, well he was there but with a different woman - they definitely are just friends! And he just got up and left 5 minutes after I got there - he normally stays all evening, any ideas why he would do that? I hope to god he doesn’t think I was following him there it is literally the only park - surrounded by cafes in this tiny town for children to go, he spoke to my children but wouldn’t even look at me, and his car was parked right behind me - I sat well away from him but he walked all the way around the square to get into it rather than 10 seconds to go past me, gosh he hates me that much???

Sorry I’m aware I sound irrational at the moment, just struggling a lot and all the people on here are really are really really helping me, I guess he just left as in his eyes that’s it and he doesn’t want to give me false hope by even saying hi

You don't sound irrational, just hurt and trying to make sense of what's happened, like any of us would be. I don't think him leaving the park was out of any kind of consideration for you though, more likely more of the same old shit tbh, poor him having to leave so as not to upset you/because it upsets him to see you/out of respect for you, him as the victim/good guy again.

Never mind that he lied and snuck around and prioritised his 'friend' over you, doesn't matter that he treated you with utter disrespect when you were together, so long as he's being Mr Respectful now and leaving the park! Time to find your anger I think OP , he's tried to take you for a fool and can't even own what he's done now he's lost you, he's a cunt quite frankly

Thank you and im so to be taking up your time, but your answers really do help me see things, to be honest I think he just left because I pushed him to far and he wants nothing more to do with me, I think because I stupidly pleaded with him on Sunday eve he sees me as a weak girl desperate for him back and so will think I went there for him. Clearly he has told his friend I’m crazy as well as they both bolted in his car with their kids. Today I have found a bit of anger though but I don’t know what to do with it! Where do I put all these things that I know were lies that I have swimming through my head!

So sorry

You're not taking up my time, I'm choosing to reply so please stop worrying about that Why are you seeing it as you pushing him too far? You'd had enough of being lied to and disrespected and stopped accepting his (pathetic) excuses, I'd say he pushed you too far.

Whoever ended it or made the last attempt to fix it is immaterial, he knows you won't put up with that behaviour anymore so that's why he's cut you off. He might be thinking if he's cold enough for long enough you'll cave in and drop your boundaries so he can come back and behave however the hell he pleases but for now he's happy punishing you for daring to have those boundaries in the first place.

The anger you use to pull you out of the sadness, you use it to turn 'he wants nothing to do with me' into 'I want nothing to do with him' in your mind. You let yourself get angry about the shitty way he's treated you instead of turning it all inwards and blaming yourself and, eventually, you use it to motivate and energise yourself to start rebuilding your life, although it's probably a bit soon for that part just yet

Well thank you, I know someday I will feel better and I will remember how your words helped to get me through these days. That last day I spoke to him he said we argued too much over the time we were together and yes we did but this was because of his behaviour and I reacted, he never told anyone about me, wouldn’t let me be on his social media, wouldn’t hold my hand in public, would never say anything complimentary or even I love you but he had excuses for it all. He would periodically say I don’t make you happy you need to think about what you want and then disappear for days or even weeks and each time i got a bit stronger he would come back and break me again, saying I just can’t cope with his ways and he’s sorry for that, I want to scream at him that I said I loved him and does he never want to see me again and asked for a hug the last time I saw him because I was tired and broken and not eating or sleeping and being the best mum i can and not let my children see this, that actually I don’t want him back and I didn’t then but he had messed with my head so much I couldn’t think straight, that I know he was lying as he took over a week to speak to her when he said he wanted to that day - I didn’t ask him to he said I will speak with her today as I’m fuming, that you don’t have someone in your car that was supposed to have lied about you, that you said you would tell her about me and then you didn’t because she didn’t ask, and that you were desperate that I wouldn’t talk to her, oh and you started to be overly nice! I am not an idiot so don’t attack me for not trusting you why the hell would I?! Sorry that was rambling but I needed to get it out

Ramble as much as you like, it's your thread And you're right you do need to get it out so you can process it and move on to the next stage, I think angry Indianafrankie is on her way! Because you should be angry, honesty and loyalty are pretty basic things to expect from a partner and he couldn't manage either.

You're very insightful to realise you don't want him back, even in your weaker moments, and that he has indeed messed with your head. The longer you are away from him the clearer it will all be and the stronger you will feel, it's just a case of avoiding letting him wheedle his way back in before you've had time to build that strength.

You're doing so much better than you think you are, it will be a messy couple of weeks emotionally for you but you'll be surprised how quickly you start to feel better. This isn't your standard heartbreak situation (even though it sure as hell feels like it) because over the coming weeks you will slowly realise how much of his behaviour was shifty and manipulative and abusive. A few weeks from now you will wonder why you ever thought he was worth your love or your tears, you just need enough time away from him to see him for who he really is

Absolutely definitely never going back again I am not going through this to start over again. The times I question myself are when I remember all the good things he did, but then when I look at those things I can see it was all in his spare time - when he was bored, I was a separate compartment in his life and I just wish I knew why I wasn’t good enough. He said it was because he had a bad break up 2 years ago and his children were still hurting from that so he had to be careful with me, but that never rang true for me, it was like a chicken and an egg he would tell be we needed to be in a good place before he would tell anyone but by not telling anyone he was breaking me if that makes sense. How could I be comfortable and normal when no one knew I existed? He told me after the cheating stuff came out that his priorities were his kids his parents and then me - who says that? Very strange thing to say. But basically I’m the crazy stalker in this small town now - as he knows everyone and I know about 2 people, can’t even be the crazy ex as no one knew about me!

You were good enough, he just wanted to keep his options open so it suited him for no one to know. Lesson learned, if someone's not prepared to let you into their life in future you know to walk away, you're worth way more than being someone's dirty secret.

It doesn't matter what he tells people in your town, those worth knowing will likely have the measure of him, or at least enough sense to find out for themselves what you're like and the rest aren't people you'd want in your life anyway. You've done absolutely nothing wrong here so you've no need to worry what anyone thinks of you.

It's natural to think about the good times, no one would stay if there weren't any, but it's good you can see even they were on his terms. He gave you the absolute bare minimum he could get away with in this relationship and you know you deserve better than that.