Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Help for tonight please

88 replies

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:16

My partner and I have separated, a main issue being that I spent my own savings largely on an embarrassing health problem that I didn’t want to discuss. I told my partner about this on New Year’s Eve after we were chatting about other issues in our relationship.

My partner is coming up for a chat tonight. My partner is the love of my life abs also pregnant (same sex relationship). How can I get her to stay with me?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 14:17

I don’t understand, why can you spend your own money?

Original poster

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:20

Because I didn’t tell her about the health problem and she thought I had savings set up to go towards our future. But I always intended to put the money back so it wouldn’t have affected our future

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 08/01/2021 14:21

Sorry OP, this is all really confusing. What are you asking us?

Original poster

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:23

I am asking what I can say to apologise for spending the money and not telling her about the health problem

OP posts:

MissSmiley · 08/01/2021 14:23

So your partner only wants to be with you if you have savings?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 14:24

I'm guessing there are far more issues than just you spending your own money.

harknesswitch · 08/01/2021 14:24

The only thing you can be is completely honest with her. Give her all the facts and then she can make a decision in the truth.

MissSmiley · 08/01/2021 14:25

Was she expecting you to use your savings in the future for you both to benefit from?

Coriandersucks · 08/01/2021 14:26

I would have expected a partner to be much more understating in those circumstances, unless there are other issues as well. It was your money, not joint money.

JorisBonson · 08/01/2021 14:26

@Erin36

I am asking what I can say to apologise for spending the money and not telling her about the health problem

I mean, you literally just say "I'm sorry for not telling you about the health problem and spending the money".

But I'm guessing there's a bigger picture.

Original poster

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:27

It was my money and I used it for hair removal treatment which is a personal problem for me that I didn’t want to discuss. I also used more when I was struggling financially due to covid and being self employed.

There are other issues but this is the one she is most adamant that is breaking the relationship

OP posts:

MissSmiley · 08/01/2021 14:28

Just tell her it's your money and you can do what you like with it, why is she bothered?

Rockinmomma · 08/01/2021 14:29

You spent the money on your health problem not a holiday to the Bahamas.
Maybe you should have been honest, you should be able to talk to your DP. Did she show any concern or support for this health problem? What other issues do you have?

Original poster

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:29

BecAuse she is hurt that I hid something from her when we could have saved together for the treatment.

She is also shocked that she thought I had savings set up for our future and now they have gone

OP posts:

ilhahih · 08/01/2021 14:31

Mmmm... I think we'd need to hear her side of the story here.
What was the health problem? How much of the savings did you spend?
Had you already made plans together for the savings which you have and presumably her savings?
Why could the health problem not be treated on the NHS?
If it's something cosmetic and you were meant to be pooling savings to secure your baby's future or to pay for a deposit on a house I can see why she would be pissed off about you spending what would be thousands of pounds without any kind of discussion with her.
If it was something essential then you could have had it treated by the health service.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 14:31

This sounds really controlling of her. You can spend your money as you please and you don’t need to tell her any medical issues. That’s so wrong. She should be apologising to you.

I’ve been with my husband since I was twenty, I’m now fifty two. We have a joint account and seperate accounts. I spend my money as I see fit. I only tell him about something if I remember. If he told me I had to tell him I’d tell him to go fuck himself. And when he was done to go back and do it again.

Rockinmomma · 08/01/2021 14:31

Just saw your update
OP it’s your money, unless you’ve agreed it’s for both of you and she’s also contributed you can spend it how you like!
She sounds a bit controlling tbh

Original poster

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:31

Rockinmomma the other issue is she doesn’t like the routine that myaelf abs my ex husband have for our daughter. My partner would offer every other weekend whereas my ex husband doesn’t want to do this - he has our daughter every Friday abs Tuesday. My partner thinks I bow down to him and that I do not listen to her feelings about my daughters routine

OP posts:

ilhahih · 08/01/2021 14:34

Oh I cross-posted there.
I understand why she is upset.
She probably feels that you couldn't trust her for that while you felt it was so embarrassing you were unable to talk to anyone about it.

I think a heartfelt apology is in order here. If you are serious about your future together you can't spend a lot of money on something without discussing it with the other person so she needs reassurance that this won't happen again.

Rockinmomma · 08/01/2021 14:34

Ahhhhhh, you’ve posted before OP
I’m sorry you’re still having problems OP, I remember your thread and it was unanimous that your DP is controlling. This just adds to that
I think you need to stand up to her in regards to this issue and your DD access

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 14:35

The arrangements you have with your ex concerning your child are none of your partner's business. As suspected, this relationship has big problems. It's probably for the best that it's over.

Woahisme · 08/01/2021 14:36

So have I got this right. She assumes you had savings which were yours, but she thought you has agreed they were to be ises for your joint future? I'm assuming she also has savings too and again you both agreed that these would be used for your future together.

You have a baby on the way and you have used your savings to fund a health problem and didn't tell her a) about the health problem and b) about you spending your savings to fund it?

I can understand that if you agreed to be on the same page as her and then did something she wasn't aware of, she would feel duped. Especially as you have a baby on the way.

Best thing you can do is be honest. If you are genuinely apologetic that should show. If you aren't arsed about spending the money that will come across. Only your partner can decide shs wants to be with you or not. But be honest in any case.

TalesTheCat · 08/01/2021 14:37

@Erin36

To be honest your partner is being very unreasonable here. It's not about your ex but about what is best for your daughter, and if there means going along with your ex so your daughter has a relationship with him then that's best for your DD. She seems to be very controlling. Is the baby from a relationship or from insemination within your relationship? How long have you been together?

ilhahih · 08/01/2021 14:37

My partner would offer every other weekend whereas my ex husband doesn’t want to do this - he has our daughter every Friday abs Tuesday. My partner thinks I bow down to him and that I do not listen to her feelings about my daughters routine

But it's not up to her. Just because she would offer every other weekend doesn't mean your ex-husband has to. It's about compromise.
And yes, her feelings about your daughter's routine should be taken into consideration but at the end of the day the decision about what happens ultimately comes down to you and your ex-husband.

Any other examples of where she thinks you don't consider her feelings?

Woahisme · 08/01/2021 14:38

Apologies for typos. Had used

Flip

1 2 3 4