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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help for tonight please

88 replies

Erin36 · 08/01/2021 14:16

My partner and I have separated, a main issue being that I spent my own savings largely on an embarrassing health problem that I didn’t want to discuss. I told my partner about this on New Year’s Eve after we were chatting about other issues in our relationship.

My partner is coming up for a chat tonight. My partner is the love of my life abs also pregnant (same sex relationship). How can I get her to stay with me?

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 08/01/2021 15:55

@Erin36

It may sound pathetic but I have made a video of all our photos to our songs that I will be playing to her tonight. So she can think about everuthung she is throwing away
Ok then 🙄
Original poster
Erin36 · 08/01/2021 15:56

I’m not getting much support here 😂

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 08/01/2021 15:56

You're getting a lot of support and some great advice - it's just not the advice you want.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 16:01

It may sound pathetic but I have made a video of all our photos to our songs that I will be playing to her tonight. So she can think about everuthung she is throwing away

This is something a teenager would do. A teenager in a cheesy romantic comedy. If I were your partner, I would not be impressed. You have serious issues that need to be dealt with in a mature way, yet you want to play her a silly video. This is not how adults repair relationships.

Original poster
Erin36 · 08/01/2021 16:01

I feel like I am being laughed at when my life is in tatters. It’s not just a broken heart. I have a little girl to move, her father to tell, zero savings etc

OP posts:
Catty1720 · 08/01/2021 16:05

I agree the video isn’t the answer. You need to sit down and TALK. As you said you have a little girl no savings etc.
You can’t do that with a video she doesn’t need reminding of what you’ve had you need to sort the issues and look to the future. In all of this there’s a unborn child.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 16:05

I feel like I am being laughed at when my life is in tatters. It’s not just a broken heart. I have a little girl to move, her father to tell, zero savings etc

We're not laughing at you. We are pointing out that your perspective on this relationship is very immature.

As for the savings, why did you spend your savings on hair removal if your finances are so tenuous? If you have such an insane connection with your partner, why didn't you tell her about it?

JorisBonson · 08/01/2021 16:06

@Aquamarine1029

I feel like I am being laughed at when my life is in tatters. It’s not just a broken heart. I have a little girl to move, her father to tell, zero savings etc

We're not laughing at you. We are pointing out that your perspective on this relationship is very immature.

As for the savings, why did you spend your savings on hair removal if your finances are so tenuous? If you have such an insane connection with your partner, why didn't you tell her about it?

Great final point @Aquamarine1029
Original poster
Erin36 · 08/01/2021 16:10

Because I didn’t see this coming

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 08/01/2021 16:14

You really should have known her reaction to you spending a large amount of money if you are so close.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2021 16:21

Because I didn’t see this coming

Come on, op. Your partner certainly isn't perfect or blameless, but you are simply not being honest with yourself.

You didn't see this coming? What exactly? Life? You knew you have a daughter to support, you knew how the pandemic is affecting finances, and you definitely knew you are expecting another baby, one that you now can't afford to support. If you didn't see this coming, and how upset your partner would be, you've been walking around with your eyes closed.

Keratinsmooth · 08/01/2021 16:28

If my partner didn’t our savings when I was pregnant I would feel very vulnerable and worried for the future. Were you planning on bringing the child up together?

Original poster
Erin36 · 08/01/2021 16:28

I was putting the money back out of my wages

OP posts:
Original poster
Erin36 · 08/01/2021 16:29

And in any case, hindsight isn’t going to help my situation now

OP posts:
Keratinsmooth · 08/01/2021 16:30

Sorry, cross post re parental responsibility.

All you do is lay your cards on the table, apologise and really listen to her point of view. Good luck

Wanderlusto · 08/01/2021 16:37

Her egg and womb - her baby. Forms mean diddely squat. Your kid is still young, if you split now she'll get over it relatively quickly.

If you couldn't talk to her about body hair then really the relationship has no foundations anyway.

TalesTheCat · 08/01/2021 16:41

Even a biological father has no rights over a baby in utero, they only get parental responsibility once baby is born and they are named on the birth certificate. If your name isn't on the BC then you have no rights at all, no mater what you have signed and agreed on.

Sssloou · 08/01/2021 16:44

You are separated because your DP couldn’t reconcile HER issues with YOUR DD routine.

She is now coming after you for a refund? or an explanation of what YOU have done with YOUR money?

YOU are separated - why is it relevant?

Why are you begging this loon back into your DD life?

She doesn’t have a great bond with your DD - she has a fake toxic dysfunctional one because she is repeatedly attempting to disrupt and ruin YOUR DD relationship with her own father.

If you facilitate having this toxic loon wreck your DD emotional development just to satisfy YOUR fantasy teenage toxic “love” drama - you should be ashamed.

Put your DD FIRST, SECOND and THIRD.

She has already experienced the break up of her family, the sabotage attempt on her RS with her own DF, watching her own DM preoccupied, bullied, coerced and controlled by this loon. She has suffered enough shit - you need to step up now as you have a significant job to do.

Rockinmomma · 08/01/2021 16:49

I don’t know why you’re trying to win her back!
It’s not going to solve the problem is it?
You want her back but have you thought about what then? Are you going to change your access with DD? Are you going to forever apologise for spending your savings?
If you want this relationship to work you have got to stand firm on your decisions about your DD and quit appeasing her, it’s not going to work otherwise

Spied · 08/01/2021 16:52

It's very telling that you felt unable to tell her a out your 'embarassing' problem.
If I was in a serious relationship and looking to pool my savings with someone I'd make sure that person was someone I felt wholly comfortable with and who I felt I could share my issues with.

pocushocus · 08/01/2021 17:01

Op I really don't want to sound harsh by here but have you lost your confidence or something after your ex ? You got with her because she showed you love ? You sound brainwashed and she sounds really controlling and emotionally abusive . It's your money . Nothing to do with her , your daughter also nothing to do with her . This ain't going to end well

IndecentFeminist · 08/01/2021 17:05

Honestly if you had both been saving for the baby for example, I can imagine her being peeved if you spent your contribution behind her back. Especially if she is always 'very generous' with money and you were expecting her generosity to help cover you while you replenished it from your earnings.

You sound very immature. Maybe she's fed up with being the grown up?

Newstaronhorizon · 08/01/2021 17:16

Put your dd first!!
Be the best possible mum for her and think of your responsibility towards her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 17:29

@Sssloou

You are separated because your DP couldn’t reconcile HER issues with YOUR DD routine.

She is now coming after you for a refund? or an explanation of what YOU have done with YOUR money?

YOU are separated - why is it relevant?

Why are you begging this loon back into your DD life?

She doesn’t have a great bond with your DD - she has a fake toxic dysfunctional one because she is repeatedly attempting to disrupt and ruin YOUR DD relationship with her own father.

If you facilitate having this toxic loon wreck your DD emotional development just to satisfy YOUR fantasy teenage toxic “love” drama - you should be ashamed.

Put your DD FIRST, SECOND and THIRD.

She has already experienced the break up of her family, the sabotage attempt on her RS with her own DF, watching her own DM preoccupied, bullied, coerced and controlled by this loon. She has suffered enough shit - you need to step up now as you have a significant job to do.

This.

You let her persuade you she should be at parents evening and all other kind of ridiculous things. Everyone told you that you weren't putting your child first, she is controlling snd the relationship is unhealthy.

You thanked people for their advice and support, said you knew you had to end it and understood that was necessary in order to put your child first.

Now you are begging her back with slideshows and songs?

You don't have an insane connection. You have an INTENSE connection. Intensity and drama do not equal love and passion. Very different.

I know you think your relationship is one for the ages, a love story, none of us understand etc.

I had some of the best days of my life with my ex, laughed loads, sex was amazing. He also controlled me, gaslit the fuck out of me, cheated on me and in the end hit me.

Nobody is pure good or pure bad. She is, on balance, not good for you (clearly, because you're acting irrationally) and not good for your daughter because she's using up time, resources and energy you could be spending on your daughter while also helping you show her unhealthy relationship modelling in the process.

Sorry OP it sounds harsh but grow up, you two really aren't as special a couple as you think at the moment. You'll see that in time.

tenlittlecygnets · 08/01/2021 17:32

I remember you. She is controlling. You're well rid of her.

Your dd has nothing to do with her. She's a troublemaker. Why do you want her back??