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Original poster

To persist with new man or give up now? (Working around his children and work proving to be very difficult)

97 replies

Pennysize · 07/01/2021 22:08

I met a man on OLD around two months ago. We get on really well and have a lot in common. I feel like there is a strong connection between us and I believe he feels the same way. I’ve been on OLD for quite a while now and have been on a few dates that haven’t progressed into anything so I felt excited/optimistic about this guy and wanted to see where it went. For context, he has two children from previous relationships and works full time (shift work). I also work full time however only Mon-Fri with weekends off, I don’t have any children myself.

The first week that we met he was off on annual leave so we managed to see each other often. In hindsight, I think this has given me false hope as now we are both back in work and with him juggling child care, it is extremely difficult to find the time to see each other. We both drive but I’ve pretty much been doing all of the leg work and with him living over an hour away it’s starting to take its toll.

For example- last week I was working as normal but his shifts were Mon-Fri 1pm-10pm. This meant I had to go home after work first, wait around and then drive back to him at 10pm. Spend a couple of hours together before bed and then I’d be up and out at 8am for work. We couldn’t see each other on the weekend because (understandably) he had his children. This week we have a similar problem except he’s on nights so will be sleeping during the day. He will be having his children again on his two days off. Tomorrow night is the only time we can see each other for at least over a week. Again, it will be me driving over at 10pm and then leaving early on Saturday morning because he’ll be picking his kids up.

Is this just the way it is when someone has kids? I do feel a bit disappointed as this is suppose to be the fun/exciting time, getting to know each other and spending time together but it’s just not turned out that way. I like him a lot and already have strong feelings for him but I just feel a bit.... deflated... already. He’s said things will be easier once I meet the kids (if it progresses that far) as we’ll all be able to spend time together. Now is just the difficult time I suppose but god knows how long it will go on for. Should I just end things now? (Sigh)

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/01/2021 22:20

It doesn’t sound like your schedules will work. Either kids every weekend OR shift work might be workable, but the two combined are clearly going to cause a lot of problems!

My DP has his DC 4 nights a week so comes to see me on the other 3. But he finishes work at a regular time so is here by 6pm and we get the whole evening together. If he was working until 10pm and I was expected to drive over to him at that time of night, I’d be too tired to be good company at that point.

Honestly, it’s hard enough dating someone with kids, let alone when his work shifts interfere with your free time. I’d cut my losses here sorry SadFlowers

scoobydoo1971 · 07/01/2021 22:24

As a woman with no children, things will not improve if you meet his children. It just means you will be dating from each others homes, with you doing most of the work. After lockdown ends, the world of dating in pubs and restaurants, or going on weekends away is all open to you...with the right person. It will never happen with him, as he has children to take care of, so you are signing yourself up to plenty of evenings in front of the telly at his place. He may not have your disposable income with a young family at home to care for. You will be frustrated, and you are already doubting this relationship can take off? Personally I would abandon ship now and hold out for a more straight-forward arrangement with someone more available to you.

emptyplinth · 07/01/2021 22:25

Give up now

Imiss2019 · 07/01/2021 22:31

So basically he's happy for you to do all the leg work and has graciously told you it will be easier for you at some undetermined time in the future. In the meantime his life continues as is but with the added bonus of you coming over for a shag?

Original poster
Pennysize · 07/01/2021 22:43

@Imiss2019 well, when you put it that way Sad

OP posts:
Hopefullynamechanged935 · 07/01/2021 22:44

Why can't he drive to you?

Original poster
Pennysize · 07/01/2021 22:45

I have asked him if he will come to me tomorrow night as I've done a lot of driving over the last few weeks. I'll see what his reaction is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennysize · 07/01/2021 22:46

@Hopefullynamechanged935 cross post!

OP posts:
ilhahih · 07/01/2021 23:06

This is how much time he has available.
If that's not enough time for you then you should end it and find someone else who has more time.
The shifts AND the children is the problem. One or the other is workable.
But it shouldn't be this hard now this early on and you are already doing all the running around.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like this. Once lockdown ends there will be other demands on his time as well - such as him meeting up with friends or doing any hobbies he might have.

Charlie63849 · 07/01/2021 23:44

@Pennysize

I have asked him if he will come to me tomorrow night as I've done a lot of driving over the last few weeks. I'll see what his reaction is.
What did he say to this op?

Is he willing to put the effort in?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/01/2021 23:54

Aren't we in lockdown.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2021 00:04

@Imiss2019

So basically he's happy for you to do all the leg work and has graciously told you it will be easier for you at some undetermined time in the future. In the meantime his life continues as is but with the added bonus of you coming over for a shag?
And the added risk to all parties of spreading covid. He really doesn't sound that great OP and I think you're maybe realising that now.
MLM268 · 08/01/2021 07:42

Oh this is tough. My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship and I have 1. He also works shifts and yes it is tough to find time to see each other (especially as I also have a child). Over Christmas we saw each other once over 2 weeks.

However, we both make the effort and will try and fit in a couple hours when we can and we also plan way in advance. I would expect that if he's working until 10pm he should be driving to see you though. I should add, if I didn't have a child already I probably wouldn't have bothered with all this effort 🙈😂.

Nomoresleeps · 08/01/2021 08:11

It definitely won’t be easier when you meet the kids.

Also he will still be on shifts and you will still be doing the travelling. I can’t see what would be different apart from when you see him on the weekend, he will have the kids in tow.

curiouslypacific · 08/01/2021 08:26

Op, I mean this kindly, but you're being a mug. It's only been a couple of weeks and he already has you running after him, slotting in round his incredibly awkward schedule.

He might seem like a great guy, but he's not making any effort or doing any of the compromising here. He's the one who has set his life up to be bloody awkward- he should be making the effort to work around it - not expecting you to drive an hour to his late at night.

It's sad but generally men don't respect your time if you don't. If you run around after them they take advantage. You'll also set the precedent for the whole relationship that your needs are secondary.

If his only options to see you are inconvenient/involve you doing all the legwork just nicely tell him no, it doesn't work for you. He'll either step up his game and make the effort OR he'll fade away when you stop being miss beck-and-call.

Panicwiththebisto · 08/01/2021 08:48

If he declines then you’ll have your answer!

Original poster
Pennysize · 08/01/2021 11:28

Apparently he is not feeling very well today. I asked him last night if he would come tonight and he seemed keen and happy to but complained of a headache before going to bed. He rang me up this morning to let me know he wasn't feeling well and that he wasn't going into work today. Maybe just a coincidence... slightly disappointed.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 08/01/2021 11:35

I think you have your answer OP. Cut your losses, life is too short.

NiceandCalm · 08/01/2021 11:50

I'd bin this one off, it's not going to get any better. I've dated men like this in the past - kids and shift work - everything has to fit around them. Add in the hour drive, no way!

Panicwiththebisto · 08/01/2021 11:51

Did the headache come on after you floated the idea of him driving?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/01/2021 11:55

I'd definitely cut my losses

Original poster
Pennysize · 08/01/2021 12:00

@Panicwiththebisto it was after I'd asked but during the same phone conversation. If he's not going into work today then I imagine it could be true but I have no way of knowing if he's gone to work or not.... it could all be lies. Who knows!

OP posts:
Panicwiththebisto · 08/01/2021 12:01

I’d just leave it until he does drive to you, or you could bin him now!

Livandme · 08/01/2021 12:23

Urgh. He sounds needy. Dump.

Imiss2019 · 08/01/2021 12:27

I’d probably walk away now. Could be coincidence and if you wanted to test him you could offer to come over and bring him some supplies!

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