To persist with new man or give up now? (Working around his children and work proving to be very difficult)

[Pennysize]

I met a man on OLD around two months ago. We get on really well and have a lot in common. I feel like there is a strong connection between us and I believe he feels the same way. I’ve been on OLD for quite a while now and have been on a few dates that haven’t progressed into anything so I felt excited/optimistic about this guy and wanted to see where it went. For context, he has two children from previous relationships and works full time (shift work). I also work full time however only Mon-Fri with weekends off, I don’t have any children myself.

The first week that we met he was off on annual leave so we managed to see each other often. In hindsight, I think this has given me false hope as now we are both back in work and with him juggling child care, it is extremely difficult to find the time to see each other. We both drive but I’ve pretty much been doing all of the leg work and with him living over an hour away it’s starting to take its toll.

For example- last week I was working as normal but his shifts were Mon-Fri 1pm-10pm. This meant I had to go home after work first, wait around and then drive back to him at 10pm. Spend a couple of hours together before bed and then I’d be up and out at 8am for work. We couldn’t see each other on the weekend because (understandably) he had his children. This week we have a similar problem except he’s on nights so will be sleeping during the day. He will be having his children again on his two days off. Tomorrow night is the only time we can see each other for at least over a week. Again, it will be me driving over at 10pm and then leaving early on Saturday morning because he’ll be picking his kids up.

Is this just the way it is when someone has kids? I do feel a bit disappointed as this is suppose to be the fun/exciting time, getting to know each other and spending time together but it’s just not turned out that way. I like him a lot and already have strong feelings for him but I just feel a bit.... deflated... already. He’s said things will be easier once I meet the kids (if it progresses that far) as we’ll all be able to spend time together. Now is just the difficult time I suppose but god knows how long it will go on for. Should I just end things now? (Sigh)

@Imiss2019 spot on!

He's a turd Op. I see comments in his favour from women that think his behavior is ok. That's sad. A bar set so low.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@Joeblack066 in what way did OP's boyfriend compromise?[/quote]
We’d have to ask him that 🤷‍♀️. She’s asked him to travel to her this time so much would lie in that tbh.

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@Imiss2019 spot on!

He's a turd Op. I see comments in his favour from women that think his behavior is ok. That's sad. A bar set so low. [/quote]
I'll take your word on that, I've never met him so couldn't really say.

It. Wasn’t a wasted journey, ‘cause now you know.

Hope you’re okay, and you’re pampering yourself today.

@Joeblack066 exactly, the moment he was asked to compromise was the moment at which it all unravelled.

If the shift working single mum in your example expected her childless Mon- Fri 9-5 working new Bf to do all of the running as OP's had to do then yeah, I'd say she wasn't "doing her best" and tell him to LTB.

I'd be VERY suspicious of someone in this scenario who said "it will be better when you meet the kids". That sounds like he'll be completely happy to use you as a second pair of hands for childcare and fast as ninepence you'll find yourself more of a nanny than a girlfriend.

@ArtemisBean

I'd be VERY suspicious of someone in this scenario who said "it will be better when you meet the kids". That sounds like he'll be completely happy to use you as a second pair of hands for childcare and fast as ninepence you'll find yourself more of a nanny than a girlfriend.

That was exactly my take on it too.

My take is that he is working full time and has 2 children to care for. Can’t believe all the posters who think he should drop it all to be at a new girlfriend’s disposal.
Things may get better as the children grow older and you can all spend time together. But to be honest, he hasn’t got the time right now for a needy girlfriend. You should probably move on.

Also he doesn’t actually sound very nice.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@Joeblack066 exactly, the moment he was asked to compromise was the moment at which it all unravelled.

If the shift working single mum in your example expected her childless Mon- Fri 9-5 working new Bf to do all of the running as OP's had to do then yeah, I'd say she wasn't "doing her best" and tell him to LTB.[/quote]
You would, but you can be sure there’s lots on here that wouldn’t!
Have a great day! 🙂

OP.. you have had a lucky escape...

You weren't in too deep.. Move on..

Also if he you are in England he can'r bubble with you and his sister.

@Pennysize

I would obviously have had no problem with him being at his sisters but it still doesn't explain why he wouldn't just pick up the phone to talk to me properly. He literally sat there and watched his phone whilst I rang him but didn't pick up, I find that very bizarre.

Aaaaand that would be because he wasn't at his sister's.

Note also the panicky, immediate move to gaslighting you - 'crazy' - oh dear, no I don't see any signs of you acting 'crazy' OP... just the panicked response of a little shitbag caught red-handed.

I might block, I might wait for the next attempt at contact to see if he can get you back in the box and then I'd just reply 'Oh bore off you lying little shitbag.'

@ArtemisBean

I'd be VERY suspicious of someone in this scenario who said "it will be better when you meet the kids". That sounds like he'll be completely happy to use you as a second pair of hands for childcare and fast as ninepence you'll find yourself more of a nanny than a girlfriend.

I'd have taken it as once she'd met the kids then she'd be free to spend time with them as a unit rather than have to put up with the times he didn't have them.

We don't know how old they are, for all we know they may be teenagers so not an issue.

I would however go along with the general principal you're proposing that people with children are looking for someone to help care for them. I don't think people with children should be dating until the children are older and able to look after themselves.

Penny is single, footloose and fancy free as they say. Time for her to be out enjoying herself. Do OLD if she wants but just see it as for fun and games. Perhaps she'll meet a single unencumbered male looking for a LTR online maybe not. From what I hear OLD is as dire for males as it is for females.

Things may get better as the children grow older and you can all spend time together. But to be honest, he hasn’t got the time right now for a needy girlfriend.

Why go on a dating site then? This might sound mindblowing but the whole point of joining a dating site is to date - the clue is in the name.

@StephenBelafonte

Things may get better as the children grow older and you can all spend time together. But to be honest, he hasn’t got the time right now for a needy girlfriend.

Why go on a dating site then? This might sound mindblowing but the whole point of joining a dating site is to date - the clue is in the name.

I don’t know why he went on the site as he clearly doesn’t have time to date. Maybe it wasn’t fair to call the OP “needy”. She met him in good faith but has realised he’s not in a position to be in a relationship. False advertising.

False advertising indeed :)

Maybe there should be one lot of websites called "Online Dating" and another lot of websites called "Can't be arsed to date you just come round my house so I can shag you instead"

@StephenBelafonte

False advertising indeed :)

Maybe there should be one lot of websites called "Online Dating" and another lot of websites called "Can't be arsed to date you just come round my house so I can shag you instead"

I get the impression that pretty much what OLD is these days.

His children plus shift work make life hard. Don't think I could be bothered with this. Let somebody else take him on.

Op, you did the right thing. Your instincts told you something wasn't right.

He lied saying he wasn't well, in bed, couldn't talk and then at his sisters.

Of course the likelihood is he has multiple women and maybe doesn't even see his children that often. You caught him out and rather than be dismayed of yet another liar be pleased your instincts work.

First, he is logistically undesirable.
Second, he expects you to do all of the leg-work.
Third, he is a liar.

Next!

I might block, I might wait for the next attempt at contact to see if he can get you back in the box and then I'd just reply 'Oh bore off you lying little shitbag.'

Yes, do this second thing.

I'd end this now OP. It's not worth it and he's lying to you. Find someone better!