To persist with new man or give up now? (Working around his children and work proving to be very difficult)

[Pennysize]

I met a man on OLD around two months ago. We get on really well and have a lot in common. I feel like there is a strong connection between us and I believe he feels the same way. I’ve been on OLD for quite a while now and have been on a few dates that haven’t progressed into anything so I felt excited/optimistic about this guy and wanted to see where it went. For context, he has two children from previous relationships and works full time (shift work). I also work full time however only Mon-Fri with weekends off, I don’t have any children myself.

The first week that we met he was off on annual leave so we managed to see each other often. In hindsight, I think this has given me false hope as now we are both back in work and with him juggling child care, it is extremely difficult to find the time to see each other. We both drive but I’ve pretty much been doing all of the leg work and with him living over an hour away it’s starting to take its toll.

For example- last week I was working as normal but his shifts were Mon-Fri 1pm-10pm. This meant I had to go home after work first, wait around and then drive back to him at 10pm. Spend a couple of hours together before bed and then I’d be up and out at 8am for work. We couldn’t see each other on the weekend because (understandably) he had his children. This week we have a similar problem except he’s on nights so will be sleeping during the day. He will be having his children again on his two days off. Tomorrow night is the only time we can see each other for at least over a week. Again, it will be me driving over at 10pm and then leaving early on Saturday morning because he’ll be picking his kids up.

Is this just the way it is when someone has kids? I do feel a bit disappointed as this is suppose to be the fun/exciting time, getting to know each other and spending time together but it’s just not turned out that way. I like him a lot and already have strong feelings for him but I just feel a bit.... deflated... already. He’s said things will be easier once I meet the kids (if it progresses that far) as we’ll all be able to spend time together. Now is just the difficult time I suppose but god knows how long it will go on for. Should I just end things now? (Sigh)

My gut feeling is that he’s full of shit!

Oh dear not good.

I think you must have been mad to have driven down to see him as a ‘surprise.’ You obviously caught him out though so at least you know and won’t waste any more time.

@scoobydoo1971

As a woman with no children, things will not improve if you meet his children. It just means you will be dating from each others homes, with you doing most of the work. After lockdown ends, the world of dating in pubs and restaurants, or going on weekends away is all open to you...with the right person. It will never happen with him, as he has children to take care of, so you are signing yourself up to plenty of evenings in front of the telly at his place. He may not have your disposable income with a young family at home to care for. You will be frustrated, and you are already doubting this relationship can take off? Personally I would abandon ship now and hold out for a more straight-forward arrangement with someone more available to you.

This is great advice .

Block him on everything and move on.
He's a shit.
He could be dating others on OLD at the same time and arranged something with someone else yesterday. That's why he had to be ill.

Having said that, if I was dating someone and said I was ill, I wouldn't be impressed if they suddenly turned up on my doorstep on me to check up on me (whether that was out of concern for my health or checking to see if actually where I said I was) so the relationship would be over for me as that's crossing a line as far as I'm concerned.

But you followed our gut instinct and you were right - he's not to be trusted.

Just to be clear - he asked me to come down last night after he said he couldn't but I said no originally because I thought I might be to tired to drive after work. I changed my mind when I got home and thought I would surprise him and see if he was okay.

@ilhahih Just to be clear - he asked me to come down last night after he said he couldn't but I said no originally because I thought I might be to tired to drive after work. I changed my mind when I got home and thought I would surprise him and see if he was okay.

Awful for you OP.

But am very very glad you found out early.

Thank you all. My feeling is that once I'd said I wasn't coming he decided to make other plans and I caught him by turning up unexpectedly.

Hmmm, I do think it was a weird thing to do, to go down and surprise him. There are few people who would want their newish partner to do that I feel, especially if they aren't well.

Also, it did seem that things were going a bit pear-shaped and it was therefore very bad timing on your part.

However, you are probably better off out of this. Best of luck with others .

I doubt you'll need to block him just tell him you're moving on.

Perhaps he wasn't feeling great and did go to his sisters so as not to be on his own. Perhaps not. What do you want to believe, believe that. Knackered single dad, shift worker needing a bit of downtime or philandering Casanova with a string of women on the go. Who cares you need someone who prioritises you.

He may well be sitting with his sister saying 'it was only blooming Penny turning up to check on me' and her saying 'Blimey she's a nutter kick her into touch before she becomes a stalker'.

Just to be clear - he asked me to come down last night after he said he couldn't but I said no originally because I thought I might be to tired to drive after work. I changed my mind when I got home and thought I would surprise him and see if he was okay.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Thank you all. My feeling is that once I'd said I wasn't coming he decided to make other plans and I caught him by turning up unexpectedly.

And yeah, he's a shit!

Notch it up to experience. If someone's not making any effort a couple of months in and you're having to run around all over the place to see them then dump as they aren't serious.
And if it's clear someone doesn't have enough time for a relationship also dump.

@Pennysize

Just to be clear - he asked me to come down last night after he said he couldn't but I said no originally because I thought I might be to tired to drive after work. I changed my mind when I got home and thought I would surprise him and see if he was okay.

Perhaps as he was well enough to have you visit and you said you wouldn't he went to visit his sister.

Perhaps he wasn't feeling great and did go to his sisters so as not to be on his own.

He's full of shit. Its covid, he shouldn't be seeing anyone else apart from OP as they are bubbling. He's too ill to drive to her but not too ill to drive to his sisters. Its clearly all bollocks
Lucky escape op

Thanks @QuentinWinters - my thoughts exactly

Its covid, he shouldn't be seeing anyone else apart from OP as they are bubbling.

No ones said they're 'bubbling' just that they're seeing each other. If he is seeing his sister then he should be 'bubbling' with her family.

For all we know his sister may live in the next street.

Who knows, its just the wrong relationship for OP, she needs to move on and if believing him to be a monster helps then fair enough.

I would obviously have had no problem with him being at his sisters but it still doesn't explain why he wouldn't just pick up the phone to talk to me properly. He literally sat there and watched his phone whilst I rang him but didn't pick up, I find that very bizarre.

It really doesn't matter about the Ins and Outs.
He did ask her over initially and then she changed her mind and wanted to surprise him - does anyone bother to read OP's threads (also about him lying about where he was)??

OP you've found him out for what he is which is a liar and a cheating scumbag.

Well done and don't be hard on yourself - there's someone out there who will be lovely and appreciate you.

No it doesn't matter. The fact is that he can't be bothered to make any effort whatsoever. He's very happy for the OP to drive over for a fuck and that's about it.

You're not going to see him again, leave it, let it go. Sitting fretting about will just wind you up and make it worse.

Perhaps
He's pissed off that you disturbed him when he wanted to be left and then said you weren't going when he relented.
or
He's a lying cheating scumbag who was out partying and on the pull.

Who knows, it doesn't matter now, just let it go and move on.

Find yourself someone nearby who doesn't have other commitments.

OP you're well and truly best off out of it, it would never have worked with his dual commitments and contact schedule and being a lazy ass taker

I’ve pretty much been doing all of the leg work

^This is the issue OP. I was just waiting for you to write this! I’m sorry I didn’t read much past this, or read the whole thread. You’ve nailed the answer yourself. Fair enough if someone has commitments- but they STILL need to make the effort, maybe more so!

@Suzi888 MarkRuffaloCrumble's observations about expections placed upon step dads vs step mums isn't narrow minded and sexist, it's reflective of real life for the vast majority. Funnily enough your very own example was of a female you know taking on a shit load of parenting work, not a male.

Hell there's still a load of imbalance in traditional nuclear parenting relationships let alone step parenting ones.

OP I’m so sorry. It really fucking hurts, but you are so much better off without him. Remember your worth.

If the situations were reversed, and a shift working single Mum said on here that her childless Mon- Fri 9-5 working new Bf wasn’t willing to compromise to enable them to see each other in these early stages, then everyone would be saying “ LTB!! Not worth your time!! Can’t he see that you’re doing your best!’ “
How about looking at it this way-
“I’m so happy that I’ve connected well with a man who puts his kids first and takes his responsibilities seriously. It means that we aren’t getting as much time together atm, but that will make sure that what we’ve got is real, and not seen through rose coloured lenses.”

@Joeblack066 in what way did OP's boyfriend compromise?