To persist with new man or give up now? (Working around his children and work proving to be very difficult)

[Pennysize]

I met a man on OLD around two months ago. We get on really well and have a lot in common. I feel like there is a strong connection between us and I believe he feels the same way. I’ve been on OLD for quite a while now and have been on a few dates that haven’t progressed into anything so I felt excited/optimistic about this guy and wanted to see where it went. For context, he has two children from previous relationships and works full time (shift work). I also work full time however only Mon-Fri with weekends off, I don’t have any children myself.

The first week that we met he was off on annual leave so we managed to see each other often. In hindsight, I think this has given me false hope as now we are both back in work and with him juggling child care, it is extremely difficult to find the time to see each other. We both drive but I’ve pretty much been doing all of the leg work and with him living over an hour away it’s starting to take its toll.

For example- last week I was working as normal but his shifts were Mon-Fri 1pm-10pm. This meant I had to go home after work first, wait around and then drive back to him at 10pm. Spend a couple of hours together before bed and then I’d be up and out at 8am for work. We couldn’t see each other on the weekend because (understandably) he had his children. This week we have a similar problem except he’s on nights so will be sleeping during the day. He will be having his children again on his two days off. Tomorrow night is the only time we can see each other for at least over a week. Again, it will be me driving over at 10pm and then leaving early on Saturday morning because he’ll be picking his kids up.

Is this just the way it is when someone has kids? I do feel a bit disappointed as this is suppose to be the fun/exciting time, getting to know each other and spending time together but it’s just not turned out that way. I like him a lot and already have strong feelings for him but I just feel a bit.... deflated... already. He’s said things will be easier once I meet the kids (if it progresses that far) as we’ll all be able to spend time together. Now is just the difficult time I suppose but god knows how long it will go on for. Should I just end things now? (Sigh)

Too much like hard work, you deserve better

This fish needs to go back in the pond, OP.

Apparently he is not feeling very well today. I asked him last night if he would come tonight and he seemed keen and happy to but complained of a headache before going to bed. He rang me up this morning to let me know he wasn't feeling well and that he wasn't going into work today. Maybe just a coincidence... slightly disappointed.

Funny that....

If it stinks like a fish...

Bin. Too much like hard work and it will never get any better.
He's claiming it will be better when you get to meet his kids but all that will happen is that you get to spend your weekend at his with his kids doing things his kids want to do and you'll still be driving there because no way is he going to drive an hour in the car with his kids in the back when they can stay at home and get on with whatever they want to do while awaiting your visit.

Does he have his kids every weekend? This is the deal breaker surely? I think this is a difficult situation for him as how is to have a relationship?

I agree with PPs, is he really thinking that things will be better when you meet the kids? . So that you can help with the work and entertainment of his kids? And be grateful to do so!

I think you have to tell him, unless he can get some guaranteed time each week of not working or seeing his kids, then this is not going to work .

Why on earth have you been the one doing all the travelling? He really doesn't sound worth it OP.

Read The Rules.

He's taken a day off work with a headache? That's a bit ... wet isn't it? (and yes I know it depends on the headache etc etc but still)

It's all a bit convenient isn't he? He's happy to have to trotting over to see him at times which are inconvenient to you but as soon as you suggest tipping the balance a little, he's got a headache?

And this is the fun, exciting period. He's telling you to hang on until you can drive over to ... spend time with his kids. Great!

This one clearly isn't the one for you. Tell him it's not working for you and ditch. Get yourself in a good position for when lockdown lifts and you can go out and have fun instead of potentially driving an hour to see this one and cook his kids their tea. Because he won't suddenly drive to you when you meet the kids will he? No.

Unless they're local dating someone with children seems a chore, even local it can't be easy.
Should either of you be visiting at the moment?

There are posts on here from women who have children and feel men won’t be interested because they have children and not much free time. Lots of replies saying of course that won’t put the men off . A woman posts and the response is dump him.
Yes, it’ll always be like this with someone who has children, because those children should come first and they’re bloody hard work and exhausting.

Setting that aside the headache part sounds a bit suspect to be honest, he’s probably too tired and can’t be bothered. When you go to him he doesn’t have to do anything, does he.
Have you been on proper dates or is it just to his place every time. Do you want to be a step mum to his children, would you move in with him if the relationship progressed?

I’ve a friend who dated and later married someone with children and she was very much a step mum to his children. She looked after them when he worked away, had them every weekend, took them on holiday, fed them etc. They’re all grown up now. She was happy to take this role on, even though it was very hard work. They’re a very happy couple.

Personally I couldn’t have done it, it’s hard enough doing it for your own children, never mind someone else’s!

Good luck, whatever you decide.

There are posts on here from women who have children and feel men won’t be interested because they have children and not much free time. Lots of replies saying of course that won’t put the men off confused. A woman posts and the response is dump him.

The reason people are telling this woman to dump him is not simply because he has children. It's because he seems to have absolutely no free time at the same time as the OP because of 1) his children and 2) his shift work.
If he either didn't have the children or didn't have shifts the relationship would be workable. It really isn't a case of man has kids - bin.

Also as you go on to say, he doesn't seem to be bothered about making an effort and expects OP to appear at his at 10 o'clock at night when he's finished his shift and seemingly unconcerned that she's driving around all over the place.

Suzi - the comparison between a man dating a woman with children and vice versa is irrelevant. It’s a totally different situation, as your post about your friend illustrates.

she was very much a step mum to his children. She looked after them when he worked away, had them every weekend, took them on holiday, fed them etc. They’re all grown up now. She was happy to take this role on, even though it was very hard work.

Step dads rarely if ever look after their girlfriend’s children, make them dinner, do their washing, take care of them while she goes away on business etc. They’re usually a ‘fun uncle’ type character, someone fun who comes and hangs out with them, tries not to tread on dad’s toes and maybe helps corral them into laying the table etc. Certainly my DP doesn’t do any of the ‘parenting’ of my DCs after 8 years. Step mums on the other hand, often end up doing all the donkey work with no reward.

He is essentially not available for a relationship with you. You are working very hard for the crumbs he can spare, and it doesn't seem worth it.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble
I could absolutely 100% guarantee I’d get roasted!

“Step dads rarely if ever look after their girlfriend’s children, make them dinner, do their washing, take care of them while she goes away on business etc. They’re usually a ‘fun uncle’ type character, someone fun who comes and hangs out with them, tries not to tread on dad’s toes and maybe helps corral them into laying the table etc. Certainly my DP doesn’t do any of the ‘parenting’ of my DCs after 8 years. Step mums on the other hand, often end up doing all the donkey work with no reward.”

What a narrow minded and sexist view you have. Plenty of men step up to the plate as it were. I wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t respect and love me and my ready made family and share the household load. Women usually have such low standards that they’ll often accept that.
My point was op doesn’t want to ‘play mum’, just like many men (NOT ALL MEN) don’t want to ‘play dad’.

“It really isn't a case of man has kids - bin”.... It really kind of is, as children should always come first. Surely it’s better for OP to date someone with no children and who doesn’t work shifts or live too far away.

Bin. You have completely different personal commitments and availability outside them. It’s already unequal, it will only get worse to your detriment.

Take off your 'But maybe he's the one!!' glasses. This is real life, and this relationship isn't fulfilling for you. Find one that is or find a way to be fulfilled and single.

Find yourself someone who doesn't have children and is local.

I don't know what arrangement he has with his ex re children, can't be easy working shifts. He'll be fitting in child visits to his timetable as a priority over you, as he should. Thats the issue with dating a person with children. You'll be told that he's looking for someone to do child care for him just the same as a woman with children is looking for a father figure for hers. Well they have a mum and dad, just not together, what he's probably after is a female relationship for himself.

OK if you're willing to be at the bottom of the pecking order just now.

It's not working, you've tried, I think it's a bit more than work schedules somehow. End it now, try to do it politely.

At 2 months it should be easy to walk away from a man who does not fit into your life in a way that enhances it. It will certainly be far easier to do it now than in a years' time - and will save you loads in petrol money and self-esteem too.

When I used to go on dating sites if a man had kids and a job I'd always ask him how does he manage to date with all the commitments he has. I'd also ask little questions like have you been to such and such a restaurant have you seen this new film etc et it soon shows exactly how much he does actually date.

Sadly though, the usual answe I got was "well I'd make time for the right person"

Maybe give him the benefit of doubt for one headache, but see what happens when you next ask him.

What time does he start nights? Could he come to yours before going to work?

Two months is a good time to give to trying out a situation, and then a good time to end it if it’s no good. He doesn’t have enough to offer you.

OP, you need someone who is available or willing to make himself available. He doesn’t seem to be either so nothing is going to change on his side. I would call it a day.

When do you expect him to magic up this extra child free time?

What will be gained from him driving beyond the time you do have together curtailed even further?

You've started a relationship with someone, in a pandemic, an hour away, who works shifts and has two children. How did you ever think this would be any different?

You're obviously in an entirely different position given you're a 9-5 single woman with no children. So you could, in theory, hang on longer to try and meet someone with children. But given you've had years without success OLD, are you willing to gamble that?
Obviously your age will also impact this decision. Likelihood is if 35 plus that you're going to have to accept that increasingly the likelihood of a man you meet having children. However, they won't all do shift work...

Just an update -

I decided to drive down as a surprise to see if he was okay after he said he was to ill to drive to me. Didn't tell him I was coming. He'd phoned me a few times during the day to tell me that he missed me and would try and make time to see me once he was better. Once I got there my plan was to ring him and tell him to come to his front door. He wasn't picking up the phone so I thought he might be sleeping. I went onto WhatsApp to message him but noticed he was online so I rang again but he didn't pick up (whilst he was still online!). I messaged him and told him to ring me back to which he replied with "I'm in bed can I ring you later, I've got a sore throat" (I knew this was a lie as we'd spoken on the phone a couple hours prior and he was fine).. I replied with "just ring me now I've got a surprise for you" and he said "I'll talk to you later". I then noticed his car wasn't in the car park and told him I'd come to surprise him and see if he was okay and he replied with "I'm at my sisters, I've had to come here for a bit". In the space of 5 minutes he'd gone from being in bed to being at his sisters.

He didn't even offer to come and meet me and still wouldn't pick up the phone to talk to me properly. His sister knows about me so there is no reason why he couldn't pick up the phone. I drove home at 10pm at night. He didn't even phone or text me to see if I was okay or if I'd got home okay. Nothing this morning either. I decided to ring him and he didn't pick up again but messaged me back saying "I'll ring you later or tomorrow, I don't understand why you've gone crazy". My gut feeling is that he was with another woman and couldn't speak in front of her. It explains why he could only text back.
His friends/family know about me supposedly so there is no reason why he couldn't speak in front of them or go in the other room to talk. I confronted him and asked him if he was with another woman which he didn't deny, he just didn't say anything but then said this morning "do you think I'm in any fit state to be with another woman".

He is happy for me to sit around and wait day and night feeling like shit until he is ready to give me an explanation. I doubt he would even be truthful. I've already caught him out in a lie. I feel so disappointed, I tried to do a nice thing and this is what I got in return. I feel like a mug. Not only is he a lazy and selfish prick but also a cheat/lying scumbag as well. On the other hand I am happy I went down (although it was a long drive, waste of fuel and I'm bloody shattered) I'd be the none the wiser if I hadn't of gone.

A day in front of the tv with a crappy food is what I need today. Thank you for all your messages and advice!

Sorry to hear that.
The scumbag has really played you.
In the kindest possible way, next time let the man do the running.