Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Strange experience with guy I'm seeing...need advice

120 replies

SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 12:21

So I have been seeing a guy for a short while. We've been supporting each other as we are both alone pretty much all the time due to the pandemic and we started as friends but have got closer. I have some misgivings as he is just 28 and I'm 37. But hes mature and seemed really kind and sweet. Hes a high functioning autism man who also has ADHD but it's hard to tell. Everything seemed fine until last night.
We decided to have a couple of drinks. I ended up hardly having any as I felt tired. He however started drinking vodka and got through most of the bottle. He doesn't usually drink much.
I was trying to sleep but he was obviously really drunk and kept staggering around and talking loudly. He then decided to order food. It was 1am! He was downstairs on the phone and I could hear him shouting at the people in the phone from the takeaway. He was pretty much incoherent and they must have said they weren't delivering. He was demanding to speak to the manager and I could hear him falling around.
I got really freaked out and uncomfortable. So I told him I was leaving. He didn't want me to and seemed mad. I just said I felt on edge and needed to be alone.
I left and when I got home he texted saying he was only drinking cos I wanted to...he then sent more messages but he unsent them so I didnt see what they said.
Today he is asking for forgiveness saying he cant remember and he hopes he hasnt ruined things. But its really put me off. I am 6 months out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and he behaved horribly in drink too. So I'm very wary and not even sure I'm ready for a new relationship but I was seeing how things went.
Do you think this is a massive red flag or should I give him another chance?

OP posts:

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 08/01/2021 08:45

Think I've pretty much decided to leave things with him. I dont want another troublesome relationship. Seems a shame as he did seem nice. I guess it was my gut instinct which caused me to leave in the middle of the night so I should pay heed to it. And yes I think the texts he sent and deleted will have been nasty. And I did nothing to warrant them. He must have a nasty side to him.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 08:58

One way to view 'red flags' is that they're not behaviours in other people. They're responses within yourself.

An example:
I have a friend who cannot bear to be touched on a part of her body. A really innocuous part. Like not being able to bear being touched on the knee. It's because she was touched there as a child, as a precursor to sexual abuse. She had a new partner a few years ago who kept affectionately touching her there. When she kept asking him not to, he said he wasn't doing anything wrong. So she left him.

The red flag wasn't his behaviour, specifically, it was the fact that she had a sensitivity to it, and he continued regardless.

So, in terms of red flags, look at how you feel. It doesn't matter what the behaviours are, because everybody will have different sensitivities. You are not looking for the perfect person. You are looking for the person who suits you perfectly.

Some people may be ok with a partner who gets trashed on vodka from time to time. It's a worry that you need to go on a forum to find out whether you should have a boundary here. Nobody can tell you. You decide when to wave your red flags.

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 08/01/2021 09:29

Thanks. That's a good point. He even said yesterday he understood how the shouting would have triggered me.
I guess I'm just not really ready for a relationship at the moment. Least if all one where theres unpredictability. I guess he might not get drunk around me again. I feel weird that my feelings can change so much on a dime.

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 08/01/2021 09:35

@Eckhart

One way to view 'red flags' is that they're not behaviours in other people. They're responses within yourself.

The red flag wasn't his behaviour, specifically, it was the fact that she had a sensitivity to it, and he continued regardless.

BRILLIANT advice. Glad you’re listening to your instincts op 💐

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 09:35

Judging your own feelings is the key to consistently accepting abuse. As soon as you are willing to look at someone else's behaviour and think 'Maybe I'm wrong to be upset about this..?', you're at risk.

You are upset about what you are upset about. Wrong and right don't come into it. Oversensitivity doesn't exist. An over reaction is something that you feel you did, and is not for someone else to judge, because only you can compare whether the reaction matched the emotion.

The key to finding a happy relationship isn't in learning how to deal better with your emotions when they get triggered. It's in respecting your triggers, and finding someone who doesn't trigger you.

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 09:40

I feel weird that my feelings can change so much on a dime

Your feelings are who you are. If you change on a dime, you change on a dime. Some people do. Everybody has dimes that will change their feelings. Different dimes for everybody. The question is, given that you've been abused by a drunk, why do you think it's weird that your feelings can change drastically when the 'drink' dime is brought into the equation? That's exactly what should happen. You were abused, and now you have a high boundary. This is called 'emotional health'.

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 08/01/2021 09:46

Yes. I went through a lot with my ex, continually accepting abusive intoxicated behaviour. I stayed way too long and I got nothing from it apart from less respect.
I feel like I wasted three years of my life on it.
This new guy is aware of this. I'm pretty sure he is nowhere near as bad on the drinking side, but theres definitely something off. I guess everything is here to teach us. I am changeable in my feelings. But I think maybe I was getting carried away with the idea of him being so nice and different...his shouting wasnt directed at me but I could tell he was mad when I left, and those texts. I shouldn't have to feel the need to escape at 1am 15 miles from home I guess.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 08/01/2021 09:50

Yes, exactly. There has been no wasted time. It's all lessons. You learned a painful and big lesson about boundaries by experiencing abuse. This current guy is a reinforcement of the lesson, which you need because you know it but you hesitate to apply it (which is why you're posting here - because you still need validation from others)

Validate yourself. As soon as you feel that 'red flag' feeling - don't analyse it. Act. Run screaming out the door shouting 'RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!'

You'll look like a lunatic but who cares? You'll be the very demonstration of sanity.

Silenceisgolden20 · 08/01/2021 09:58

He will def drink around you like that again. 100 %

AWeeBit · 08/01/2021 10:12

Just popping back into the thread to applaud at Eckhart's posts. Spot on.

You have done well, OP. You listened to your instincts and you analysed the why's and how's and made a decision that was right for you. Absolutely excellent work.

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 08/01/2021 10:20

Some really great advice here. I think I am definitely learning some lessons. Have to learn to put myself before other people's feelings or I'm always going to get stuck.
Having the same kind of issues at work, currently working on my resignation letter. Honestly I just wish I could just stay home out of the way of people at the moment 😔

OP posts:

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 12/01/2021 09:30

Why do you even have to ask. If this is the type of relationship you want and think you deserve, go for it. I don't know anyone in their right mind who would build a relationship on these foundations. Unless you're desperate and think anything is better than nothing. I don't say this to be cruel just to the point. If I were you, I would have already blocked him from every channel of communication and flicked a switch. Moving on, no second thoughts, no second chances. No way would I be allowing that bullshit into my space. Chances of being happy with this person: let me think.... 0.1%

category12 · 12/01/2021 09:37

Sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment, op

Put aside your people-pleasing and take care of you.

EarthSight · 12/01/2021 09:37

Yes that's definitely a goodbye for good situation. Don't go down the route of finding out about ADHD & drinking. It doesn't matter. He drinks to the point of scaring you, and then blames you for it. The warning bells are ringing.

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 12/01/2021 16:06

I think I was just feeling lonely and he seemed nice to start with. Let my guard down. Seems like he has some issues of his own and if that was his true self showing...well.
I dont think he is an alcoholic but there was definitely a loss of control. I dont really know him well enough and I suppose I put myself at risk again.
I have told him that I'm not ready for a relationship, which is true enough. He was ok and said he'd be there as a friend. Our friendship was based on Facebook messaging mostly though so I'll let it fade out I guess.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me. I know I shouldn't have to ask. It's like a problem I have where I dont trust my own judgment at times.

OP posts:

category12 · 12/01/2021 16:53

Everyone needs a sense-check or sounding board at times, do not feel bad about that. Far better to bounce ideas and ask for feedback than not, especially if you've been in abusive or toxic relationships before and you're finding your own boundaries and rebuilding your shark cage. Because we're human and it's hard to break patterns and we're unconsciously attracted to the familiar.

If we were all perfect islands of certainty, who never needed anyone else's viewpoint, we probably wouldn't have bothered figuring out how to speak as a species.

Sunflower1970 · 13/01/2021 06:48

I think given your past experiences you need to be kind to yourself. Besides the age gap (not massive) and the ADHD and Autism (not holding that against him either) there are already issues. Yes it could have been a one off but apart from blaming you (red flag) he became abusive. This could be the tip of the iceberg if other incidents occur. Maybe he is revealing some of the behaviors associated with his conditions. Either way he’s made you feel threatened and I would end it xx

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 13/01/2021 09:31

Yeah, it always helps to sound off to other people. I know I have put up with too much in the past and how easy it is to do that.
Maybe it was partly the age gap too, regardless he shouldn't have blamed me even if he was drunk.
He was a bit strange to me at times, offered to buy me a 500 pound tv ( which I refused) and saying he expects to see me once or twice a week. Maybe that's ok...but I worried I would have ended up leading him on and then felt pressured..I dont know, I'm a funny one myself at times. Maybe I'm now a committed phobe or something 🤯

OP posts:

category12 · 13/01/2021 09:46

No, those sound like red flags to me.

Big, flash, overly generous gestures early doors are about showing off and creating a sense of indebtedness. (Especially if it's not something you actually need but is something they want you to have, if you see what I mean.)

Telling you how often he will see you is taking the power out of your hands, and treating you like you have no agency of your own. There to be at his disposal.

I wouldn't rush to dismiss your own reactions as being commitmentphobic - listen to your gut. Build that sharkcage. Don't overlook those twinges that tell you something ain't right.

Original poster

SpaceCat83 · 13/01/2021 10:34

Yeah I guess you're right. I've picked up on a few things that seem off I suppose.
I would have felt terribly indebted to him if I had let him buy the tv. I wouldn't have considered it anyway.
I'm glad I've listened to my gut. It was early days so nothing really lost. It's a bit sad but think I've done the right thing.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5