Strange experience with guy I'm seeing...need advice

[SpaceCat83]

So I have been seeing a guy for a short while. We've been supporting each other as we are both alone pretty much all the time due to the pandemic and we started as friends but have got closer. I have some misgivings as he is just 28 and I'm 37. But hes mature and seemed really kind and sweet. Hes a high functioning autism man who also has ADHD but it's hard to tell. Everything seemed fine until last night.
We decided to have a couple of drinks. I ended up hardly having any as I felt tired. He however started drinking vodka and got through most of the bottle. He doesn't usually drink much.
I was trying to sleep but he was obviously really drunk and kept staggering around and talking loudly. He then decided to order food. It was 1am! He was downstairs on the phone and I could hear him shouting at the people in the phone from the takeaway. He was pretty much incoherent and they must have said they weren't delivering. He was demanding to speak to the manager and I could hear him falling around.
I got really freaked out and uncomfortable. So I told him I was leaving. He didn't want me to and seemed mad. I just said I felt on edge and needed to be alone.
I left and when I got home he texted saying he was only drinking cos I wanted to...he then sent more messages but he unsent them so I didnt see what they said.
Today he is asking for forgiveness saying he cant remember and he hopes he hasnt ruined things. But its really put me off. I am 6 months out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and he behaved horribly in drink too. So I'm very wary and not even sure I'm ready for a new relationship but I was seeing how things went.
Do you think this is a massive red flag or should I give him another chance?

Thanks. He definitely did seem manic. The alcohol definitely affected him in a weird way. He seemed out of control and I was uncomfortable enough to take off in the middle of the night. I appreciate he has some issues, but I'm not sure I am ready to deal with them right now. I also find him a little clingy. He has previously been very gentlemanly and affectionate...this I am not used to because of my previous relationship. So it freaks me out a little when people are like that, I start feeling trapped. But that's probably my own issues showing up.
I worry that he comes on strong and I get scared off, and then I hurt him and theres more awkwardness.
And the behaviour was out of order. In the past I have always been willing to forgive but I have found it gets me nowhere.
I want to forgive but I'm also worried of being trapped into a relationship with someone who can go off on one like that.

You say you felt ‘unsafe.’ That is a warning sign. What about the next time he drinks? You will be on edge feeling that you have to keep an eye on him. Or what if he starts acting weird when he hasn’t been drinking?

This isn't what I'd want or find attractive in a man. You don't have to make allowances or excuses for him, or justify anything to yourself. I'd be too disgusted to continue with him personally.

This isn't about forgiveness or understanding mental health issues.
You were in a house with a man who was drunk, aggressive and angry then blamed you for making him like that.
You can have a relationship with an angry aggressive drunk or find someone else. He's 28 he's a grown man not a fucking teenager. He's been drinking alcohol for 10 years.
Because you are older you are mothering him and forgiving him for being immature. He's either your equal OR you are in it because you have a compulsion to look after someone like you are their carer.
There is a red flag also in that you have gone after someone who 'needs' understanding and care. Why do you think that is?
Sometimes it's because finding a partner with higher needs than our own is a good distraction from our own feelings. Other people's shit is a great distraction from our own shit.
It is a dynamic in abusive relationships that one partner (usually the woman) will put their own needs aside, takes the role of soother of feelings, listener of rants, spends all their time thinking of the other and their partner (usually the man) is high maintenance, needy, self absorbed and needs their partner like a son needs a mother. They don't really 'relate' they treat you like an object they need for security.
If the woman has come from a household where her Dad was like this, or was sick or alcoholic, there can be tendency for her to fall into a relationship with a man like. It's a learnt pattern of responding so it can be unlearnt.
That's my half baked psychoanalysis of it.

He wasn’t like that before because he was on his best behaviour. That’s how most blokes reel in a woman. Show them their best side. The mask slipped and you saw what he’s really capable of. I like a drink but there’s no way I could finish that much vodka. He’s used to doing that. I’d bin

Sadie9 I can relate to that. I hope he isn't an abusive person by nature but it wasnt good last night. We got close recently through messaging and it was only meant to be a friendly thing but it went further. He has said due to his issues he may need comforting when he has an autistic meltdown. He also said when this happens he hits himself, and if this is happening I'm to stay away as he can lash out unconsciously. He said he was in an emotionally abusive relationship prior to me.
Your words perfectly describe my previous relationship. I have had a traumatic childhood and issues with my father figures. My ex had many issues and did not take the time to understand me, in fact he used my past against me at times. I did nothing but pander to his needs and let him cross my boundaries.
Maybe I am on the way to more of the same with this one. I hoped he was different, but from last nights performance I'm doubting this.

You can forgive, but still never see him again.

@SpaceCat83

You don't think it was just a one off then? I'm starting to doubt myself in the cold light of day.

Don't risk your safety and well-being by waiting to see. But on the whole, no, this behaviour is almost never a one off

@SpaceCat83

Sadie9 I can relate to that. I hope he isn't an abusive person by nature but it wasnt good last night. We got close recently through messaging and it was only meant to be a friendly thing but it went further. He has said due to his issues he may need comforting when he has an autistic meltdown. He also said when this happens he hits himself, and if this is happening I'm to stay away as he can lash out unconsciously. He said he was in an emotionally abusive relationship prior to me. Your words perfectly describe my previous relationship. I have had a traumatic childhood and issues with my father figures. My ex had many issues and did not take the time to understand me, in fact he used my past against me at times. I did nothing but pander to his needs and let him cross my boundaries. Maybe I am on the way to more of the same with this one. I hoped he was different, but from last nights performance I'm doubting this.

Close over messages isn't the same as getting to know someone in real life. I'm also concerned about what he says about meltdowns. On the one hand he will need you to 'comfort' him and on the other hand he might accidentally smack you?? Run - run fast.

Sorry to say a definite red flag.

OP you won't feel safe and fully trust him now knowing this has happened. You deserve to be with someone who is stable and supports you and you definitely deserve someone who respects your worries and past.

I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you, do you have people in real life to support you or to have a chat with?

He's probably been hiding from you how much he drinks.
If he doesn't drink, that much vodka would have made him sick.

I do have friends I can talk to. Guess they're a bit sick of my car crash of a personal life. I seem to be attracted to the wrong people and they get attracted to me too unfortunately.
I'm going over to his tonight to pick up my bag. My friends coming with me so I dont have to stay.
I'm kind of gutted it's gone this way but I do have such a bad feeling about it now and all the answers here have confirmed it.

Guess they're a bit sick of my car crash of a personal life. I seem to be attracted to the wrong people and they get attracted to me too unfortunately.

Have you done anything like the Freedom Programme or any other therapy/work on your boundaries in relationships?

When our boundaries are off, we tend to ignore red flags and our own misgivings and give chances to people who wouldn't get through another person's shark cage (Please read the shark cage analogy here - www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/ ). When we've experienced abuse in previous relationships or growing up, that can damage or stop us developing decent shark cages, which is why it feels like you attract this type of guy.

Always trust your gut instinct. It's there for a reason.

Your gut told you to get as far away from him as possible last night. I genuinely believe that alcohol lowers inhibitions and you see the real side of a person. Some guys get very affectionate and chatty, some go quiet and mope in a corner, some will get belligerent and pick fights and so on. The ones to avoid are the ones who exhibit anger and nastiness, like he did with the delivery place. Sounds like he was racist as well with the asking to speak to someone who spoke English, the minute they refused to deliver - clearly they were talking English if he had a whole conversation with them to that point.

His autism and ADHD are not relevant here - they don't make someone nasty, or racist. And it doesn't excuse turning his anger on you.

Good you are going with your friend! Don't get back with him, no matter how apologetic he seems. You've seen the real him already - everything else is just a cover.

I've never met any one who has had to say they are really against racism. It sounds like those abusive men who tells new partners that they would never hit a women. It should go without saying...

Ditch.
Get your bag back and that's the end of it.

I was in a relationship with someone 13 years younger than me. He had alcohol issues. It was just a nightmare from start to finish. I wasn't able to discuss any of the issues with him as he'd throw the age gap thing in my face - you're not my mother, you can't tell me what to do kind of thing.
He was really lovely and sweet (at least at the beginning of relationship) when he wasn't drinking and there were long phases were he didn't touch alcohol. Then he'd start and his binges would go on for weeks - out drinking every night, getting aggressive, getting into fights with people etc.

I would never put up with this again. I was too weak at the time to chuck him out and keep him out. But now I've got rid for good. If anyone else I happen to meet displays any behaviour relating to alcohol which I am not happy with they will be out on their earhole immediately.
Your bloke would be a goner and you should ditch him too. Just save yourself the bother.
And as an aside, I do know that age gap relationships with a younger guy can work, but they do have their difficulties and you need both people to be stable and the man needs to be mature. Your guy is neither of these. You'll end up having to mother him (he's already sort of implied that when talking about how you should react during his autistic meltdowns) but at the same time he'll get pissed off with you mothering him.

You can do WAY better than this.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them x

THIS WITH KNOBS ON!!

I don't see how you can confidently say he doesn't normally drink much. Best you can state is that, until that night, he hadn't drunk much in front of you. I've known quite a few people with serious alcohol issues who can hide it very well. I don't know any light drinkers who will spontaneously neck a bottle of vodka.

Regarding his MH issues. You can feel sympathy for him but that doesn't mean you are obligated to have a relationship with him, either intimate or just friends.

I suggest you learn about codependency before dating more. Every one of your posts is festooned with the red flags of the codependent woman. If you are to have good relationships in future you need to learn what codependency is, how you became codependent and how to recognise when it is hurting you and how to stop it. This is the magic bullet to no longer attracting and being attracted to car crash men.

You're allowed to have boundaries, and this is one of them.

Listen to your instincts and end things. You'll feel much better once it's done.

Great decision OP. You are relearning to listen to your instincts. It takes time. You can always post here when your friends tap out.

He has said due to his issues he may need comforting when he has an autistic meltdown.

This is the sort of thing men say when they want to trigger a nurturing impulse. It's quite clever.

I got my stuff back. Didnt go in and my friend waited in the car. He just said he hope I dont think that's who he is as a person. And that he realised how I would have been triggered by his shouting.
I said well I do feel weird about it and I had to go. I think I'll tell him via text message and take the easy way out.
I agree I am codependent, it seemed that way in my last relationship. Its just working out how to overcome this. I have been reading lots of books since my last relationship on the subject of abuse and codependency etc.
I guess with this guy I just dont really know him and he definitely showed a different side to him last night.

If it weren’t for the age you could be describing someone I was dating for a while before I met DH! It really frightened me and I’m a bit of a party girl myself so not adverse to getting messy. He drank a whole bottle of Sambuca and was stumbling around my house looking for his car keys to drive up the shop and I just couldn’t control him. He was talking to himself and ranting and I had to carry all 6ft8 of him up my stairs and put him to bed and I just thought “I don’t REALLY know you enough to be dealing with this”. We split a few days later, but stayed friends, and he’s still a liability. I’d run away if I were you!

He has said due to his issues he may need comforting when he has an autistic meltdown

Many moons ago a wise friend told me that an early warning alarm for an abusive relationship was when the other person tried to make you responsible for their happiness in some way, that is what he has done there, set you up to be responsible for him, he has preempted his shitty behaviour and had his excuse ready for you. Run far and run fast OP.