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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Strange experience with guy I'm seeing...need advice

120 replies

SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 12:21

So I have been seeing a guy for a short while. We've been supporting each other as we are both alone pretty much all the time due to the pandemic and we started as friends but have got closer. I have some misgivings as he is just 28 and I'm 37. But hes mature and seemed really kind and sweet. Hes a high functioning autism man who also has ADHD but it's hard to tell. Everything seemed fine until last night.
We decided to have a couple of drinks. I ended up hardly having any as I felt tired. He however started drinking vodka and got through most of the bottle. He doesn't usually drink much.
I was trying to sleep but he was obviously really drunk and kept staggering around and talking loudly. He then decided to order food. It was 1am! He was downstairs on the phone and I could hear him shouting at the people in the phone from the takeaway. He was pretty much incoherent and they must have said they weren't delivering. He was demanding to speak to the manager and I could hear him falling around.
I got really freaked out and uncomfortable. So I told him I was leaving. He didn't want me to and seemed mad. I just said I felt on edge and needed to be alone.
I left and when I got home he texted saying he was only drinking cos I wanted to...he then sent more messages but he unsent them so I didnt see what they said.
Today he is asking for forgiveness saying he cant remember and he hopes he hasnt ruined things. But its really put me off. I am 6 months out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and he behaved horribly in drink too. So I'm very wary and not even sure I'm ready for a new relationship but I was seeing how things went.
Do you think this is a massive red flag or should I give him another chance?

OP posts:
fastwigglylines · 07/01/2021 13:09

I have ADHD and used to drink way too much.

I've never demanded a take away that's closed deliver food to me or demanded to speak to someone fluent in English.

My point being, it's not just the drink. I'm sorry to say, he's also a dick. Both are entirely valid reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship.

tenlittlecygnets · 07/01/2021 13:10

Your instincts are correct. I'd bail now. Well done for seeing that!

Wanderlusto · 07/01/2021 13:13

That's a fair point from fastwiggles too actually. The only people who make a point of asking to speak to managers over being told 'no' are assholes. Drink it no drink. Entitlement isn't sexy.

Wanderlusto · 07/01/2021 13:13

*drink or no drink

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 13:13

He had already discussed his adhd and autism initially. I dont mind him having those but it does make me feel guilty. He hasnt tried to use it as an excuse. But hearing him on the phone was awful. I'm sure it's not the adhd behind that. I have been drunk before and never gone on like that.

OP posts:
fastwigglylines · 07/01/2021 13:14

I will have a Google of ADHD and drinking...

Whatever you find, please don't let it convince you that you need to make allowances for him. You really don't. ADHD may make you more likely to use alcohol to self-medicate. But, ADHD doesn't make you a dick, nor does it give you an excuse to make your partner feel unsafe in your company, nor does it mean people should tip toe around your dickish behaviour.

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 13:15

It wasnt even a coherent conversation. God knows what the person on the phone thought

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 13:16

Thanks, I think my instincts are telling me to bail. I think I'll just tell him I would rather go back to being friends. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I really did feel unsafe last night.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 07/01/2021 13:18

End it. Don't stay friends.

Wanderlusto · 07/01/2021 13:19

I wouldn't give him the friends option tbh.
But if you do, avoid being alone in private with him in future.

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 13:31

You don't think it was just a one off then? I'm starting to doubt myself in the cold light of day.

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/01/2021 13:31

I think they call that flag the XXXL size.

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 13:34

😂 I should be an expert at spotting them by now but I still try not to ugh

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 07/01/2021 13:35

Screw that. He’s a racist and a pig. I’d be out of there with bells on. Massive red flag

MaMaD1990 · 07/01/2021 13:35

Tap out quickly. Don't stay friends.

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 13:37

Its strange because he is actually strongly against racism and is very passionate about left wing politics. He definitely did say that though.

OP posts:
Justtickingboxes · 07/01/2021 13:40

Run. If he's like this early into your relationship when he's supposed to be at his best, just imagine what he'd be like later! I say run.

StuntCroissant · 07/01/2021 13:41

There is not one person on this thread who thinks his behaviour was ok. He sounds rude, racist and immature. Move on now.

Ultimateblends · 07/01/2021 13:42

I'm going against the grain here and going to say, give it another chance....
Most of us have been drunk, acted a little stupidly or unusually. It might be that he was really very nervous and drank to mask that and it all went a little... wrong. I would personally forgive, and try again, getting to know each other better. Without alcohol being involved.

However op, you must take into consideration your feelings and what you have been through, I cant judge, nor can anyone else, what this man is really like and if it really was a one off.

(I must say I got so drunk one upon a time, that I had a conversation with a chair. That was vodka too, I dont drink vodka anymore)

You sound like you've been through a really terrible relationship and an awful time, and that you are not really ready to take someone else on, please listen to your gut instinct and how you feel. You don't sound ready for another relationship in all honesty

StrippedFridge · 07/01/2021 13:43

@SpaceCat83

You don't think it was just a one off then? I'm starting to doubt myself in the cold light of day.
No. Of course not. That's crazy talk.

Have you ever done those things out of nowhere?

If I went weirdly out of character bonkers like that then I'd be panicking about brain tumours and I'd take myself to A&E. I would be messaging the other person to document what went wrong with me for me to tell the doctors and to recognise in myself if it were ever happening again. I would also ask her to stay away from me for her own well-being until I could be sure I were healed.

I would not be messaging her asking for forgiveness and promising it will never happen again. That reaction is pretty much telling you this happens all the time and he expects you to suck it up because he likes having you as his girlfriend.

Not seeing this clearly yourself is not a great sign for your recognition of normal. Nor is choosing to start dating a man based on him having mental health problems. You deserve nice men. You don't have to scrape around.

WhitePhantom · 07/01/2021 13:50

I'd bail. I wouldn't like the fact that you've never seen him have just a couple of drinks - from day you've said, he either doesn't drink at all or goes totally out of control. Not good!

Also re the knobbish behaviour, they say a drunken body speaks a sober mind... Not always true, I know, but worth thinking about. Maybe this is who he really is when the inhibitions that usually keep him in check are removed.

MondayYogurt · 07/01/2021 13:52

Why don't you trust your instincts?

YouokHun · 07/01/2021 13:53

I think I'd bail @SpaceCat83. Setting aside the ADHD he doesn't sound like he has much awareness or maturity and I'd be wary about proceding with a relationship on that basis.

As someone with an ADHD diagnosis myself I very much limit alcohol in my life (I'm 53 so I know it's very different for me and I'm not comparing myself to him). I do think that at 28 he should be able to recognise that his ADHD makes his processing of alcohol a bit of a rollercoaster ride; it massively increases impulsivity (which is a diagnostic criteria in ADHD and is lurking in many of us with ADHD). In fact alcohol can enhance all the symptoms of ADHD. If he's on medication then, depending on which medication he's on, he will end up being in a state of alert, racing heart, heightened BP; a bit manic. Of course, ADHD or anything other disorder or condition isn't his fault but the preparedness to not manage his drinking and to behave in such a way to you and to the people on the phone shows a lack of self-insight - at this stage you don't have to make this your problem and it's a little glimpse of what is in store.

I'd politely and firmly distance yourself; from a relationship 100%, from a friendship, probably 80%.

2bazookas · 07/01/2021 14:16

Trust what you learned from your previous experience, and your gut instinct about this one.You KNOW what they're telling you. This recent, brief relationship has run its course and has no future. Time to end it.

ADHD and autism are permanent conditions, he'd not going to outgrow either of them with maturity.

FestiveFruitloop · 07/01/2021 14:17

Run.