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Original poster

Strange experience with guy I'm seeing...need advice

120 replies

SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 12:21

So I have been seeing a guy for a short while. We've been supporting each other as we are both alone pretty much all the time due to the pandemic and we started as friends but have got closer. I have some misgivings as he is just 28 and I'm 37. But hes mature and seemed really kind and sweet. Hes a high functioning autism man who also has ADHD but it's hard to tell. Everything seemed fine until last night.
We decided to have a couple of drinks. I ended up hardly having any as I felt tired. He however started drinking vodka and got through most of the bottle. He doesn't usually drink much.
I was trying to sleep but he was obviously really drunk and kept staggering around and talking loudly. He then decided to order food. It was 1am! He was downstairs on the phone and I could hear him shouting at the people in the phone from the takeaway. He was pretty much incoherent and they must have said they weren't delivering. He was demanding to speak to the manager and I could hear him falling around.
I got really freaked out and uncomfortable. So I told him I was leaving. He didn't want me to and seemed mad. I just said I felt on edge and needed to be alone.
I left and when I got home he texted saying he was only drinking cos I wanted to...he then sent more messages but he unsent them so I didnt see what they said.
Today he is asking for forgiveness saying he cant remember and he hopes he hasnt ruined things. But its really put me off. I am 6 months out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and he behaved horribly in drink too. So I'm very wary and not even sure I'm ready for a new relationship but I was seeing how things went.
Do you think this is a massive red flag or should I give him another chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 20:19

Haha yep that sounds exactly like what went on! Crazy isn't it. Very offputting to say the least. Yeah in not averse to getting a bit messy myself at times but not as much as that. It shows that he can lose control and I dont like that. My ex used to go full blown psychotic whilst under the influence so I'm extremely wary these days. At least its very early days I guess. He doesn't drive or know where I live anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 20:22

And yes I definitely noticed how he tried to blame me. And I wonder what those unsent messages said, must have been something nasty. I realise it's not a good sign.

OP posts:
Chimeraforce · 07/01/2021 20:22

Red flag! Off you go. Well done, I hope you're learning to do well by yourself.

RavingAnnie · 07/01/2021 20:23

In my experience certain people react very badly to a certain amount of alcohol. They can be gone and then one drink too much turns them into a complete and utter nob. Had one girlfriend affected like this who I eventually distanced myself from and one three year boyfriend. It happened continually and unpredictably. One drink too much and a switch flipped.

It was a nightmare to deal with everyone it happened. The boyfriend would often do things like lay down in the road and refuse to get up and accuse me of all sorts. The girlfriend just turned into an easy super notch that said stupid untrue things. It was so weird as neither of them were like this when not in this state. Come to think my friend has a husband who this happens to and he had to stop drinking altogether after she issued an ultimatum (which I felt he did do).

The only way out I think is that. He needs to stop drinking altogether. ADHD can come with impulsiveness and this affects people in different ways but being able to know when to stop can be one of them. And if drink affects you in this way I don't think you can ever know when that one drink that flips the switch will be.

Personally I'd think I'd give him one chance if I liked him the rest of the time but I would say that he needs to stop drinking altogether as that was unacceptable. If he can't do that then that would be it. I was young when with my 3 year boyfriend and gave him way too many chances. I like to think I wouldn't put up with that now.

StrippedFridge · 07/01/2021 20:25

I think you need to practice non-codependent behaviour. Reading good. Recognising patterns good. Gentle practice on behaving differently, even better.

Do little things that should trigger your codependency, notice what your mind is doing and WALK AWAY. Try anything where there is the opportunity to pity and rescue others.

You could start by reading your posts and then rewriting them all as a less codependent person. Think about how you were feeling, what you were thinking in the time leading up to the post. What bit of thinking was fucked up? Which posts snapped you out of it a bit? Why?

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 21:53

I know that I definitely have codependency issues. I realise this is a red flag. I like the guy apart from last night, and I try not to judge people when they're inebriated but it didnt seem right. Its put me right off to be honest. I have a feeling he could be clingy too in future, maybe that's just me being paranoid. I do try to talk myself out of things at times.

OP posts:
ilhahih · 07/01/2021 22:31

I have a feeling he could be clingy too in future, maybe that's just me being paranoid.

No you're not being paranoid.
Alarm bells should be ringing about you needing to comfort him during his meltdowns.
Bloody great.

What's his family history? I'm afraid I've been very badly burned by a younger man looking for a mother figure and I should have known better. In his case he had a very troubled relationship with his family, his mother in particular who never wanted him. This meant he was looking for someone to replace her and he had drink problems.
He made me responsible for his happiness all the time. He was very clingy too but not when he wanted to be off drinking with his mates all the time.
Honestly, this guy is just a complete and utter disaster zone and the alcohol is just one aspect of it.

You are not a psychologist, you are not his mother, you are not a counsellor.
You do not need this in your life. You need a decent, stable man who is going to bring something to the relationship.

loopyapp · 07/01/2021 22:39

I have been a several year long lurker on these boards. Never have I ever felt the need to comment until tonight.

Are his initials L W? Does he have a shark tattoo on his neck??

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 23:14

Haha no those aren't his initials...do you know someone similar?
I had reservations about his age but thought well, we seemed to get on. Maybe it is his age, I feel quite young for mine so I thought it didnt really matter. But maybe its relevant. I dont know much about his family but I do get the impression there are some issues and he has a child he isn't allowed to see either. The more I think of it the more I think I'm best staying away.

OP posts:
ilhahih · 07/01/2021 23:17

he has a child he isn't allowed to see either

Yet another reason to run!

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 23:22

Yep I found that a bit unsettling tbh.

OP posts:
DoingItForTheKid · 07/01/2021 23:28

Run. He doesn't respect your sleep.

user1471565182 · 07/01/2021 23:32

Bet you a million squid he drinks a lot more than he makes out

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 23:36

I agree. I was annoyed I couldn't get to sleep. Was so glad to get home to my cat.
Well he definitely made short work of that vodka. I guess I cba with that kind of stuff.

OP posts:
loopyapp · 07/01/2021 23:43

Yup. How scary that there's two of the same type out there. Down to the claims to be ASD and ADHD. The issues with drink and clinginess... I think I'm just going to stay single forever.

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 07/01/2021 23:47

Ha me too. It's just not worth getting involved with people these days. Its cynical but I cant help it.

OP posts:
loopyapp · 07/01/2021 23:54

Cynics dont seem to get their hearts trampled on hah

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 08/01/2021 00:05

I know. I try to be cynical but it is hard. Always have this stupid hope for everyone I suppose.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 08/01/2021 00:12

There is nothing worse when you are around a drunk person when you are sober. We are all louder when we are drunk and do things we wouldn’t necessarily do so may not definitely be a red flag for things to come.

However if you have a gut feeling then listen to it and I don’t think you’d be able to get past it anyway.

Original poster
SpaceCat83 · 08/01/2021 00:26

I know. That's why I'm giving the benefit of the doubt. I just dont know him very well and this has made me feel like backing off. I've got quite a lot of other things going on at the moment so I'm at least going to have some breathing space for now.

OP posts:
ChronicallyCurious · 08/01/2021 00:33

Nope, huge red flags! At the bare minimum you should feel safe with the person you’re with.

For what it’s worth my DP has high functioning autism and wouldn’t act like that. It’s not an excuse to be a dick, it sounds like he just is one.

user1471565182 · 08/01/2021 01:01

I wont even be with people who drink anymore and Im only 31. Drunk people are just so, so fucking boring.

VimFuego101 · 08/01/2021 01:12

Even if this was a one off mistake, the fact he has a child he's not allowed to see is a big warning sign. As a previous poster said, I bet the deleted messages were nasty and he thought better of them.

Doodallysally · 08/01/2021 01:18

Hi OP, the part where he says that isn't who he is... Is a lie. what you saw is the real him. Plenty of people drink without abusing strangers. How do you think the delivery guy felt? Who cares about his politics if he made a stranger feel bad about themselves because they are foreign? Drinking is not an out for aggressive behaviour. And I hope you realise that. Can you say with confidence he wouldn't attack you when drunk?

It takes time to see someone's true colours. We are all on our best behaviour at the start. Even if he never drinks again, he has a nasty, aggressive side to him. You've seen this. The alcohol just exposed it. Don't wait around to let him take it out on you. You've seen the signs, you know he's an arsehole. Don't waste more of your life on crap men.

category12 · 08/01/2021 06:35

You absolutely should judge a person by how they are when they're drunk. By how they are in every state and every emotion.

It's really important not to handwave those things - oh he was drunk, oh he was angry, oh he was stressed - yes, and those states/emotions will repeat. How he is during negative states and emotions is critical, because life is not always easy - and in hard times, you need someone by your side who is supportive and not going to make things worse or harder.

I say this as a horrid drunk myself. But I stopped drinking for good years ago because I know that.