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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do mothers really have a protective instinct or is that idealistic?

92 replies

RedElle · 06/01/2021 19:56

Most mothers would say they would jump in front of a bullet for their children and we are always taught parents have a strong protective instinct. How true is this? How does it work?

One memory has stayed with me since I was 9.

My mother has a real fear birds, a proper phobia. When I was 9 I was walking with her side by side down country path, my older brother and sister a little way behind us. A swan crossed onto our path ahead of us and started hissing, this is where my mother, screaming in panic runs to jump over a shallow 'ditch' onto another path away from the Swan without me. My older brother and sister further back did the same and joined her and I just remember being so terrified from seeing how scared my mum was that I ended up just freezing and crying and panicking where I stood.

My mum would not come and get me, she just stood there shouting making me more scared until I eventually moved and joined them.

This left me with a long standing feeling of abandonment and lack of care or protection from her. I think sometimes maybe I am too harsh to judge her for that. I've been thinking about this incident a lot lately.

A swan can still do some real damage anyway but her bird phobia would have perceived it as a real serious danger, so I imagine if it was a man with a gun or something that would have been her instinctual reaction.

So what is a mother's protective instincts? Is there real psychology behind it? Would any other mother have gone back to grab their child? Or is it all a myth and I've been looking through rose tinted glasses at how I'd expect people to act?


**TL/DR - my birdphobic mother once ran away from an aggressive swan leaving me alone at 9 in its path petrified, would the normal reaction of a mother be to protect or is this actually normal

OP posts:
choosername1234 · 06/01/2021 20:08

A few years ago we were next to a canal (family has a canal boat) and my 2 yr old DS was next to me. The next thing I knew I was on the ground holding onto his arm - he had slipped from the path to the water. I had reacted on reflex and had grabbed his arm so he didn't even get wet feet. I can honestly say that I have no idea how I reacted so quickly and I have no memory of seeing him slip or a conscious decision to move to grab him.
I didn't even spill the cup of tea I was holding!

mindutopia · 06/01/2021 20:11

Yes, most people have a protective instinct over their children. But a true phobia isn’t rational and would probably elicit a reaction that seems very out of the ordinary to most people. I have a friend with a phobia of butterflies. He’d probably do the same even though he loves his children and is very protective of them.

BrianOfHull · 06/01/2021 21:05

I am phobic about spiders, but I know in all the times I’ve come across one I’ve made sure my children were nowhere near it and had to try hard to cover how scared I was, not sure if that’s the same thing?

I know on instinct I would protect my children at all costs. All costs.

StephenBelafonte · 06/01/2021 21:08

I think the instinct of a mammal is to protect it's young at all costs yes. However, a phobia is a phobia isn't it - there's no logic to it.

WunWun · 06/01/2021 21:10

Swans can't do 'real damage'. They can peck you. They definitely can't break your arm or whatever the old wives tales are.

Iheardit · 06/01/2021 21:16

Me and my son were attacked by a dog recently, I say me and my son, it ran up to him, the next thing I know I was in front of him with a dog biting my leg

NoMeatIsHumane · 06/01/2021 21:18

When I was 10, DF was defrosting the freezer (with a screwdriver) in the flat we lived in. He plunged it through pipe and it started hissing. He shouted at me and my younger brother to run downstairs. As we were on the stairs my mother pushed past both of us and rushed out the house first. I actually had a bruise on my arm where she pushed me into the wall! Nice lady me mam.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/01/2021 21:19

@mindutopia

Yes, most people have a protective instinct over their children. But a true phobia isn’t rational and would probably elicit a reaction that seems very out of the ordinary to most people. I have a friend with a phobia of butterflies. He’d probably do the same even though he loves his children and is very protective of them.
This. If it was a one off incident, and there are no other examples like this.
CarrieCat · 06/01/2021 21:22

I remember when my kids were little having lightning reflexes if they were about to hurt themselves. More than I'd normally have. I assumed that was an evolutionary protecting your young thing.

Colourmeclear · 06/01/2021 21:24

My mum was agoraphobic and it was hard trying to understand why the outside wasn't safe enough for my mum but safe enough for me. As an adult I understand phobias but as a child it's confusing and painful. We carry these feelings with us, I can't comment on your relationship with your mother, but I grew up thinking her needs were important than mine. It's that that hurts as opposed to event itself.

PatchworkElmer · 06/01/2021 21:24

I’m terrified of heights but have been having climbing lessons (obviously not now due to covid) so that I don’t pass my irrational fear on to DS. I want to avoid losing my mind through fear in front of him. He rode his bike out in front of a car a couple of weeks ago and I threw myself after him without even thinking- I don’t even remember making the decision, it was definitely an instinct.

hotcrosswhat · 06/01/2021 21:26

@mindutopia

Yes, most people have a protective instinct over their children. But a true phobia isn’t rational and would probably elicit a reaction that seems very out of the ordinary to most people. I have a friend with a phobia of butterflies. He’d probably do the same even though he loves his children and is very protective of them.
I'm pregnant and from early on I have felt that I would do literally anything to keep my son safe if I could. It's a stronger feeling than I've had about anyone or anything else before. But this post is a good point - phobias are irrational and can be all consuming.
PatchworkElmer · 06/01/2021 21:26

My friend is terrified of wasps, and left her small baby in her high chair in the garden to run away from one and lock herself inside the house.

CovidCarol · 06/01/2021 21:30

Yes mothers have a protective almost animalistic instinct and I would die for any one of my kids as I'm guessing most mums would.
But giving your DM the benefit of the doubt, maybe she knew the swan wasn't really a threat to you? In her head she just had to get away from it for her not even thinking of you because you were not in any real danger.

CovidCarol · 06/01/2021 21:33

@PatchworkElmer

I’m terrified of heights but have been having climbing lessons (obviously not now due to covid) so that I don’t pass my irrational fear on to DS. I want to avoid losing my mind through fear in front of him. He rode his bike out in front of a car a couple of weeks ago and I threw myself after him without even thinking- I don’t even remember making the decision, it was definitely an instinct.
Good for you! My late DM used to point out spiders, talk about them etc in front of us when we were kids, it was only in later life I discovered she was petrified of them. Well it worked because I love spiders 🕷 Grin
picklemewalnuts · 06/01/2021 21:33

If she was reasonable in other ways, I'd say this was an irrational reaction. The bird was terrifying to her but it wasn't dangerous to you, and she acted accordingly.

disneydreaming · 06/01/2021 21:37

I once fell while carry my DS when he was a baby. Normal instinct when falling would be to put your hands out to break the fall, but without even thinking I somehow managed to flip myself around and land on my back so he wasn't hurt.
I can remember my family at the time commenting on how amazed they were I'd managed to flip my body like that but it was honestly pure instinct.
Another situation where DD baby sling hadn't clipped in right and she slipped out. Before I could think I grabbed her arm and had her pulled back up. In both these situations it was purely protective maternal instinct that kept my children safe.

sqirrelfriends · 06/01/2021 21:40

The instinct to protect is so strong, like nothing else. But like others have said phobias are different, your mother wasn't afraid the swan could do any real damage, she was just afraid because of her phobia. If the swan had been a tiger I'm sure she would have protected you because that instinct would have kicked in.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/01/2021 21:43

That must have been very scary for the young you, OP, and I understand that primal fear of abandonment very well.

But phobias are not rational fears. I have a phobia of spiders and I have literally jumped over my son to get away from one 😳 However in a situation of real danger, I instinctively act to protect him. eg walking through town, bloke acting aggressively and threatening people, I automatically step in front of my son and even put my arm out to stop him getting in front of me - which he tries to do seeing as he's 25 and much bigger than me!

If this was an isolated incident OP then I think it's something you can work on forgiving, and letting go. Maybe it would help to speak to her and see if she remembers it? Her simply saying sorry might put this to rest, if it's still bothering you.

However if it's part of a pattern then that's very different, and I'm sorry you've been let down 🌸

Badabingbadabum · 06/01/2021 21:45

Parents and I think to an extent anyone around small children do have an instinct to protect them. But as a PP has said, phobias are not rational. Just because your mother reacted the way she did doesn't mean she wasn't scared for you or hasn't felt incredibly bad about it ever since.

sqirrelfriends · 06/01/2021 21:46

@disneydreaming

I once fell while carry my DS when he was a baby. Normal instinct when falling would be to put your hands out to break the fall, but without even thinking I somehow managed to flip myself around and land on my back so he wasn't hurt. I can remember my family at the time commenting on how amazed they were I'd managed to flip my body like that but it was honestly pure instinct. Another situation where DD baby sling hadn't clipped in right and she slipped out. Before I could think I grabbed her arm and had her pulled back up. In both these situations it was purely protective maternal instinct that kept my children safe.
That happened to me, I was carrying a very wriggly DS downstairs(on my hip but both arms holding him) when I lost my footing. I somehow in a split second managed to pull him round to the front of me and was holding one of my arms over his head. I tobogganed down about four stairs on my back/bum and managed to stop. Very bruised the next day.
turnthebiglightoff · 06/01/2021 21:46

Swans can break your arm. I've been there when someone had their arm broken. But as a PP said, a phobia is a phobia, there's no rhyme or reason to it.

inquietant · 06/01/2021 21:47

@mindutopia

Yes, most people have a protective instinct over their children. But a true phobia isn’t rational and would probably elicit a reaction that seems very out of the ordinary to most people. I have a friend with a phobia of butterflies. He’d probably do the same even though he loves his children and is very protective of them.
This.
Uganytono · 06/01/2021 21:48

I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. The swan wasn’t going to kill you. She must have presumed youde run too. If it had started to attack her instincts would no doubt have kicked in but until then she was just hoping youde listen to her and run.

mioz · 06/01/2021 21:48

Yes I believe it’s true. When my DS was a baby he fell off the sofa, not exactly a great height but I don’t remember seeing him fall I just remember being on the ground having launched myself off to soften his fall. I agree with PP about fear and phobias being completely irrational, have you spoken to your mum about this?