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Do mothers really have a protective instinct or is that idealistic?

92 replies

RedElle · 06/01/2021 19:56

Most mothers would say they would jump in front of a bullet for their children and we are always taught parents have a strong protective instinct. How true is this? How does it work?

One memory has stayed with me since I was 9.

My mother has a real fear birds, a proper phobia. When I was 9 I was walking with her side by side down country path, my older brother and sister a little way behind us. A swan crossed onto our path ahead of us and started hissing, this is where my mother, screaming in panic runs to jump over a shallow 'ditch' onto another path away from the Swan without me. My older brother and sister further back did the same and joined her and I just remember being so terrified from seeing how scared my mum was that I ended up just freezing and crying and panicking where I stood.

My mum would not come and get me, she just stood there shouting making me more scared until I eventually moved and joined them.

This left me with a long standing feeling of abandonment and lack of care or protection from her. I think sometimes maybe I am too harsh to judge her for that. I've been thinking about this incident a lot lately.

A swan can still do some real damage anyway but her bird phobia would have perceived it as a real serious danger, so I imagine if it was a man with a gun or something that would have been her instinctual reaction.

So what is a mother's protective instincts? Is there real psychology behind it? Would any other mother have gone back to grab their child? Or is it all a myth and I've been looking through rose tinted glasses at how I'd expect people to act?


**TL/DR - my birdphobic mother once ran away from an aggressive swan leaving me alone at 9 in its path petrified, would the normal reaction of a mother be to protect or is this actually normal

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 06/01/2021 23:48

A friend of mine got a fractured vertebra from a Swan...

But I used to be phobic of wasps, as I was stung by one in the mouth aged six. When I had DD, on my own, I made the conscious decision to overcome that phobia as there would be nobody to look after her if I was losing my shit over one. I decided that knowledge was power and now I want to know what species of wasp it is when I see one...

I'm sorry about your mum and what must have been a terrible experience, but it's partly choice, partly instinct, like PPs have described, and partly a huge responsibility that you just have to accept as a mother.

WunWun · 06/01/2021 23:49

@Hawkmoth

A friend of mine got a fractured vertebra from a Swan...

But I used to be phobic of wasps, as I was stung by one in the mouth aged six. When I had DD, on my own, I made the conscious decision to overcome that phobia as there would be nobody to look after her if I was losing my shit over one. I decided that knowledge was power and now I want to know what species of wasp it is when I see one...

I'm sorry about your mum and what must have been a terrible experience, but it's partly choice, partly instinct, like PPs have described, and partly a huge responsibility that you just have to accept as a mother.

From falling whilst being attacked by a swan, maybe.
IdblowJonSnow · 06/01/2021 23:56

Maternal instinct is real for sure, however so are phobic reactions.
If I see the thing that terrifies me I panic and do all I can to get away. I dont like to think how I'd have reacted in your mums situation if I'm honest.
Sorry to hear how its affected you though.

june2007 · 07/01/2021 00:06

I remeber hearing of a child who died from Anaphylaxis as yhe mother was too scared to use the epipen. (She had one on her and had probably been shown how to use it but she couldn,t) It,s harrowing and ones left thinking but you just would. But I don,t think you can always judge how poeple behave under stress.

CoffeeTeaCoffee · 07/01/2021 00:08

We were in a park my my DS was 3 and we for some reason decided to feed the ducks. Big mistakes as they started following us and there was an angry Swan argh! My son climbed a bench and the swan pecked at his foot/shoe...while I slowly walked away Blush

Not my finest moment but it's a funny story now! I was for sure scared of that bird...

Lockdownbear · 07/01/2021 00:12

Maternal instinct is real.
With my first baby I went into labour late at night, decided it was too late to phone and mum would just worry. Baby was born at 4.30.
We waited until a more civilised hour before phoning. I told DM baby was here and all is well, she said "You should just have phoned. Something woke me at 4.30 and I could get back to sleep"
I'm convinced that was something deep inside her that knew.

I've had a couple of instinctive things happen with my own kids too.

DappledOliveGroves · 07/01/2021 00:28

I'd definitely say mothering instincts exist. DD is now an adult but when I've been driving in the car with her in recent years and she's been in the front seat, there have been occasions where I've had to do an emergency stop. Each time my left arm has automatically flown out and across to 'protect' DD from being flung forwards (though the seatbelt does a better job). I also still reach out and grab her hand if we're crossing a road and a car comes close.

SD1978 · 07/01/2021 02:10

I also see a huge difference between reflexes to save your child- which is pretty much what every respondent is describing, instead of examples of severe, limiting phobias, which is the PP's question. My first instinct if I see a spider is run like feck. I e ran faster than my kid before/ the startle reflex juts made me go. I don't see that the same as pushing them out of danger, or saving them though.

FrenchBoule · 07/01/2021 02:24

While walking with DS we met aggressive dog, snarling and circling around us. I was ready for a fight with DS on my back and to kill the dog.
Absolutely shocked by my reaction how strong it was.

SandyL899 · 07/01/2021 02:56

I have a terrible phobia of spiders, I scream every time I see one. Have left the house in the middle of the night when there is a large spider and no one to take care of it. It's debilitating, I've thrown up out of worry but I've never, ever left any of my children to one when they were young. Although my husband showed my children how to collect them and take them outside from the age of ten or so to help me out. A phobia is a terrible thing, I've had panic attacks over it and even tried to get out a moving car once ( the kids weren't there).... But my maternal instinct was still stronger. It's different for everyone.

turnthebiglightoff · 07/01/2021 09:22

@wunwun alright then, because you say it didn't happen it couldn't have happened.

It did happen though. What possible reason would I have for lying? You're weird.

Hawkmoth · 07/01/2021 09:47

No it hit him in the back Shock

ThisTooShallBe · 07/01/2021 09:50

I have a lifelong loathing of injections and blood tests, but it lifted when I was pregnant/giving birth. My unborn DC definitely trumped the fear so I didn’t have the nausea/fainting etc. It didn’t last though- post-pregnancy, I’m even worse than I was before.

I have a friend whose father was killed when he pushed my friend, then aged 4, aside to protect him from a speeding car. Amazing action but my friend is really messed up about it, he’s vowed not to have DC as he doesn’t think he could be as brave as his father.

jellybe · 07/01/2021 10:22

Mothers definitely do. My youngest started chocking in his sleep. I was asleep in the next room but some how found myself wiping him out of his bed and slapping him on his back until this massive blob of phlegm came up.

PrankedByLife · 07/01/2021 10:30

choosername1234
Why was he even that close to the water?!

Someone1987 · 07/01/2021 10:31

Was this the only incident you felt abandoned and not cared for?
Do you know why your mother had such a phobia to birds?
Perhaps asking yourself these questions will help you realise whether your mum was neglectful or whether she had suffered trauma herself, potentially related to birds.

DenisetheMenace · 07/01/2021 10:32

Not idealistic. Most parents do, mum and dad.

sandgrown · 07/01/2021 10:37

Even in my fifties if I was in town with my mum she would go to grab my hand crossing the road!

PrankedByLife · 07/01/2021 10:43

CoffeeTeaCoffee
Not a funny story.
Disgraceful.

FourTeaFallOut · 07/01/2021 10:46

I read once, a long time ago, research that if women fall down the stairs holding something then they will protect that thing the whole way down to their own detriment and it's probably an evolutionary instinct because the body is primed to hold on to a baby even if that "baby" is just a cup of tea.

I couldn't put my finger on that work now but I do know I once tripped over my toddler while holding my newborn and was amazed by my ninja baby saving reflexes.

Maisieme · 07/01/2021 10:55

Slightly off topic, but when my son was 9 we were walking down a quiet lane when a large dog came tearing out of a garden towards us. I’m scared of dogs and before I knew it my son had positioned himself between me and the dog to protect me. Incidentally the dog just barked and didn’t attack and all was fine. But I’ll never forget his instinctive bravery.

Mommabear20 · 07/01/2021 10:59

I think most parents have that protective desire, but when faced with actual danger (or something they themselves are scared of) it's not always about wanting or not wanting to safe their child but more that their own survival instinct kicks in. For example, I used to volunteer with a local children's club, we were on a trip and each leader was assigned 2-3 kids each to help keep track of them all. We were in a tube station, and someone starts shouting that there's a man with a gun, everyone started running for the exit, I grabbed the 2 girls I had, and made for the exit, we heard a loud bang and in an instant threw them to the floor and put myself crouched over them to shield them, for whatever random reason, being shot has never worried me (I know it should but never has 🤷‍♀️) it turned out to be a false alarm and the bang was something different entirely (we never found out what) but when out walking with my dog a few months ago, we came up to a large dog off lead barking and snarling at anyone that got close, I completely forgetting my little dog can't run as me, turned and legged it as I have a massive fear of dogs that I'm unfamiliar with! Everyone's fears are different and we can never judge how we would react until we are in that situation.

june2007 · 07/01/2021 11:51

GRabbing a hand to cross a rd isn,t others instict. I have had friends who have done this. (When neither of us were mothers and we both adults.)

CatMumOnPurrlough · 07/01/2021 12:19

@DappledOliveGroves

I'd definitely say mothering instincts exist. DD is now an adult but when I've been driving in the car with her in recent years and she's been in the front seat, there have been occasions where I've had to do an emergency stop. Each time my left arm has automatically flown out and across to 'protect' DD from being flung forwards (though the seatbelt does a better job). I also still reach out and grab her hand if we're crossing a road and a car comes close.
Word for word, this is my mum. She will throw her left arm in front of me if there's a potential hazard when she's driving.

She also knew her mum had passed away before anyone even told her, and she knew I was pregnant before I had told anyone and she picked that up just through a phonecall.

Mums are magical creatures!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/01/2021 12:22

My phobia is spiders but I would fight a giant spider for my DS, any ordinary spider I'd leg it. I really don't think you would have come to any harm from the swan, it's not like she left you on a motorway.