Do mothers really have a protective instinct or is that idealistic?

[RedElle]

Most mothers would say they would jump in front of a bullet for their children and we are always taught parents have a strong protective instinct. How true is this? How does it work?

One memory has stayed with me since I was 9.

My mother has a real fear birds, a proper phobia. When I was 9 I was walking with her side by side down country path, my older brother and sister a little way behind us. A swan crossed onto our path ahead of us and started hissing, this is where my mother, screaming in panic runs to jump over a shallow 'ditch' onto another path away from the Swan without me. My older brother and sister further back did the same and joined her and I just remember being so terrified from seeing how scared my mum was that I ended up just freezing and crying and panicking where I stood.

My mum would not come and get me, she just stood there shouting making me more scared until I eventually moved and joined them.

This left me with a long standing feeling of abandonment and lack of care or protection from her. I think sometimes maybe I am too harsh to judge her for that. I've been thinking about this incident a lot lately.

A swan can still do some real damage anyway but her bird phobia would have perceived it as a real serious danger, so I imagine if it was a man with a gun or something that would have been her instinctual reaction.

So what is a mother's protective instincts? Is there real psychology behind it? Would any other mother have gone back to grab their child? Or is it all a myth and I've been looking through rose tinted glasses at how I'd expect people to act?

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**TL/DR - my birdphobic mother once ran away from an aggressive swan leaving me alone at 9 in its path petrified, would the normal reaction of a mother be to protect or is this actually normal

@mindutopia

Yes, most people have a protective instinct over their children. But a true phobia isn’t rational and would probably elicit a reaction that seems very out of the ordinary to most people. I have a friend with a phobia of butterflies. He’d probably do the same even though he loves his children and is very protective of them.

Yes, I think this.

Most people actually have a protective instinct towards children. Pre dcs, I remember having to grab a baby whose mum had left her in a trolley at an airport, but it was rolling towards a curb. No cars on the little road, but it was going to fall off. It did fall in the end, but I was holding it, so it was a gentle landing. Anyway, not my baby, but the instinct was there.

Phobias are totally different though. I don't think you can judge someone based on a real phobia.

I remember when dc 1 was born, and put on my chest, I had this rush of feeling, and knew that I woudl fight a tiger to protect him.

It was quite unexpected and hasn't really gone, I do feel that way.

But as they get older you nuance that with allowing them to make mistakes for example, even if they get hurt (I'm talking small things here) Now that dc is 18, and whiel I would love to protect him, I also need to let him go.

But a phobia is quite different. It is an overwhelming reaction. I also think that at some level, while your mum was terrified, she knew that you weren't in actual danger.

You must be either misremembering, exaggerating or lying. Because it's not physically possible for a bird to break someone's arm with its beak or wing.

A few people have asked or commented about her otherwise being a loving and caring parent, and if I should talk to her about it, I ommited more details about our general relationship because I didn't want to sound whiney and bitter, wasn't sure if it was relevant and it'd be a painfully long post to read.

She wasn't an otherwise caring and loving parent. This was the first incident I could clearly remember when I felt like she wouldn't protect me.

I've tried for a long time to reconnect with her and talk about a lot things including this. Hoping she could understand how scary that was for me and that it did effect me, and hoping she could just explain that it was just something like a knee jerk reaction or something and that she does care.
When I've tried to bring up anything like this she has always refused to acknowledge it and changes the subject entirely to attack me.

I've been left to deal with things by myself and it's not always easy to make sense of things without any help or closure or anything like that. So for the people casually saying things like 'you were fine, you should've just moved, get over it' thank you for commenting but I don't think that's fair, I was 9 and had just seen my mum screaming in fear and running away leaving me, I was scared stiff.

The thing that bothers me more about our relationship is her refusal to even acknowledge my feelings and have a conversation with me about these things, instead she would ignore anything she could have done remotely wrong, and go of on telling exaggerated (twisted) stories about how awful I am and was even as a child as if I deserved to be treated the way I was.

Thank you everyone for commenting, its a bit mixed, people handle phobias in different ways and it doesn't always correlate with protective instincts. I wasnt expecting many replies, it was really interesting to hear everyone's stories.

OP, your mum does not soudn as if she was a good mother.

Obviously we only have your side of the story, but it does sound as if she was not generally behaving in the way a good parent would. I'm not really talking about the swan incident, more about your last post.

That measn either she is somehow bad/mean/evil or she is mentally ill or unable to care/protect/love you in th eway she should.

Sadly it doesn't sound as if there is no point in talking to her about it.

But I wanted to say, none of this was your fault. You were not a bad or nasty child. How can I say that? Because every child deserves to be loved and cared for. A basic thing for a parent to do is to keep their children safe. If, as a child you feel unsafe, and scared (and again, I don't mean a one off incident which the swan could have been, but in general) then that means your parent is failing you. It doesn't mean you are unloveable, or not worthy of being looked after x x

sorry, typo - it does sound as if there is no point talking to her about it.

Do you know why this has suddenly worried you so much? I'm not saying you're over reacting. Perhaps I'm tainted as suffered a lot from my parents, so an incident like that wouldn't have been shocking. Have you now got children of your own?

I'm generally quite a switched on, protective parent in day to day life, but in real moments of danger (I can think of only 2 over 8 years) I freeze. I'm not sure why and I dread to think that something might happen where they actually need me to act immediately. I had an abusive childhood and I wonder if there is a link.

One in ten mothers smoke during pregnancy. Clearly, lacking protective instinct towards your children isn't that unusual.

@ZoeCM

One in ten mothers smoke during pregnancy. Clearly, lacking protective instinct towards your children isn't that unusual.

Is that true?! In the UK? Can’t remember the last time I saw someone pregnant smoking.

@RedElle with that context it’s no wonder you focus on them at event. Sorry your mum isn’t willing to talk about it or recognise that how she acted in your childhood hurt you.

My mum is totally unable to recognise any hurt she might cause or have caused. Not because she’s unkind but because she is quite focused on her own needs and due to her own needs she just can’t cope with her own emotions let alone anyone else’s.

It’s painful to think about those things. Do you have a friend to talk it through with. As pp said you probably won’t get anything worthwhile from talking to you mum by the sounds of it.

It was a 7 year old, @wunwun and it happened. One of my closest friends so I'm not misremembering. He still has his x-ray. Anyway. I'm going to stop derailing but will repeat that you're very weird for calling me a liar.

My mother definitely wasn't ever protective. It anything her life choices put my siblings and me in danger. She still isn't maternal in any form.

It has resulted in me having to make a conscious effort to be maternal. I do think I am protective though.

Maternal instinct definitely exists. I struggled after the birth of my first child. I didn't getting that "rush of love" everyone spoke about following her horrific birth. I definitely struggled to bond and didn't have real feelings of "love" until she was close to a year old.

Despite this I had razor sharp protective instincts. Would have thrown myself in front of a car to save her. I lunged through the air and grabbed her by the ankle when she went rolling at the speed of light off my bed when I was still half asleep. It's just there and I imagine always will be.

Your mum sounds emotionally stunted and selfish OP. That was an awful thing to do to her child but some people don't have the capability of putting other people's needs/feelings before their own.

My mother doesn’t. Literally everything is my fault. She would never defend and if I was upset because someone had been horrible to me that would be my fault. I just thank God she met my step dad who was amazing and not a paedo as she would be one of those people who thought w kids were lying

When someone broke into our house to steal our car, we saw them on the drive.
My brain saw red all I could think was 'that just came into my house while my kids were asleep'
I went running out to confront him, I actually hit the car as he drove off, he threatened to ram me with the car and I hit the bonnet screaming at him.

My husband was standing at the bedroom window in shock. He was so mad I put myself at risk.
It was stupid I the light of day but I was livid.

Having worked in child protection, I can tell you not all mothers are protective. There are plenty of people who have mothers who actively harm them, but they can’t break free, partly because of societal pressure that fetishises mothers.
Saying that, I don’t think one incident involving a phobia means your mother didn’t have the instinct to protect you. I suspect there is more that is causing you to reflect on the relationship though ....