Does he sound like a psychopath?

[SavannahSums]

So my significant other has been exhibiting some strange...outlooks. I know we can’t diagnose anyone, but I’m looking for opinions because I sense that something isn’t quite right.

First example: We were watching the show Deadliest Catch and they were sharing the story of 5 men who lost their lives at sea, including a father and his son. I felt emotional about it, almost in tears imagining how truly horrendous that must have been for them. Suddenly he said, “Do you think the dad watched his son die or the son watched his dad?” And when I turned to look at him in shock, he was grinning.
He seems to have this idea that if you don’t know the people who have died or been hurt...why should you care. He reacts that way whenever the subject of 9/11 comes up and I feel heartbroken for those people.

Second example: My father took his own life in 2019. I have been devastated. One day he made a joke about how suicide is “funny.” I can only assume that he knew this would knife me in the gut. And I just don’t understand who could say such a thing! I told him that in no way is it funny. He simply said, “I disagree.”

Third example: Once, after watching a crime documentary, we started speaking about punishment for pedophiles and other sexual offenders. I expressed my view that punishment should be as harsh as possible, that they should have no right to privacy after such despicable crimes. ...He said he feels that they still deserve privacy and should be treated well by the system.

I don’t know, I’m confused. There are more examples. I’ve never seen this man cry or be truly emotional.

@12548ehe9fnfobms

Whether he is or he isn't a psychopath, he's probably not the right person for you, that's all that matters.

Raise your standards, expect more. Love yourself 1st. xx

This with bells on^

He sounds like he doesn't like or respect you very much. He may well dislike and disrespect all women.

Are you going to stay with him do you think?

I think it's more likely that he's doing it to upset you on purpose the same way that kids wind up their sibling sometimes.

I think you're right to be on the alert OP, as he doesn't sound like a run of the mill arsehole. He was actively creating a scenario in his head around a horrific tragedy and gaining enjoyment from the suffering they must have gone through. Definite personality disorder-zone behaviour, although obviously nobody can diagnose him over the internet.
It might be easiest to gradually fade out with him, doesn't sound like the sort of person you would want to offend as he'd get a real kick out of finding a way to retaliate. I realise this sounds like typical mumsnet dramatics, but please do be careful and extricate yourself safely. Grey rock is a good tip. Let him get bored and find someone else to toy with.

@IfTheSockFits

Your father took his own life and your dp grins and makes jokes about suicide being funny?

OMG - that is truly awful and more than enough reason to dump him.

This ^. Run OP

I dated a man who lacked empathy. We had a child and split shortly after. I've never dealt with such a cold-hearted c#nt in all my life and I've got to put up with his poor treatment for the next 16 years. Run.

Repulsive. I wouldn't let that sit on my sofa, much less get his hands on me.

Sounds like a total knob. I'm an incredibly empathetic person and just don't understand how others can be si callous.

I don't know how long you've been with him but one day is one day too long-I would have got the hell out a long time ago.

If you carry on with it it'll only result in tears (yours and any child/ren you might have).

When people show you who they are, believe them.

They are red flags. Always follow your gut. Women’s intuition is a thing. Get out.

Some people Just deal with emotions differently. Doesn't mean he's a bad person or a psychopath. Everyone's different and sometimes we need the other person to be stronger and pick up the emotional people otherwise everyone would be in bed crying all day. When you have more personal experience with situations like suicide you become more emotionally involved but don't see how he can be attacked this harshly when he might just be different. It's so hard to say the right thing to
Someone grieving and maybe that's the inappropriate comments, if they were purposefully nasty then that would have shown ages ago and would be no reason to be with him in the first place. Yoh can't hide that kind of personality

There's a difference between being unemotional, or even cold, and being intentionally offensive, unsettling, inappropriate, and cruel. As her companion and lover, his first response should be to want to comfort her, however awkward that attempt may be.

That is not what is happening here. This is something all together different.

He just sounds like a 14 year old to me.

He's saying all those things to deliberately upset you and for that he is a nasty piece of work. There are lovely decent men out there who don't get pleasure from upsetting other people. He's a twat who doesn't deserve you.

Hi OP,

I'm shocked by this thread. Usually I find the replies so overreactive - telling the OP their husband sees them as second best, he's definitely having an affair, he's abusive etc and if they don't LTB immediately they are pathetic and weak-willed.

Yet here I read an OP that I am truly horrified by and I see pages and pages of justification, defence, and shoulder shrugging.

It really highlights how different we all are and the person who said it doesn't make anyone right or wrong could have a point.

I am definitely more like you in this regard. I cried a lot on 9/11. The stories hit home. I don't see what's weird about caring about strangers - they are a treasured person to someone / many. It's the injustice of it. Why their baby and not mine? It's the realisation that it's all just down to fate / luck. It's feeling powerless. It's feeling whatever you want.

The comment your boyfriend made about either the father or son watching the other die - I could imagine wondering this in absolute horror. He was sitting there grinning. I don't even know where to start with the comment about suicide regardless of your own personal circumstances. He sounds devoid of empathy and cruel.

Relationships to me should be based on love and trust. Would you trust him to take care of you when the chips were down? Do you like being with him when things are good. I cannot imagine wondering whether my boyfriend is a psychopath.

My advice is to get away from this individual sooner rather than later. You don't need to figure out who is right or wrong. You're too emotional for him, fine. He's too psychopathic for you. Also fine.

I would dump him and if he presses or tries to turn it around on you I'd say "look nobody is to blame here, we are simply not compatible. Kindness and compassion are traits I find attractive in a man. I hope you find someone who appreciates you for all you are."

He's cold and callous, run for the hills

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Whatever his issues he doesn't sound like a good match for you.

Throw him back and revaluate.

You deserve better. CuriousaboutSamphire is correct.

Dodgem he's not hiding that kind of personality. He's rubbing it in OPs face

This is not a good man.

I don’t know, I’m confused. There are more examples. I’ve never seen this man cry or be truly emotional. Lots of people don’t easily display their emotions but it doesn’t make them bad people. What makes this one bad is the total callousness he showed when he made the comment about your dad. That was designed and aimed to hurt you.

And I think you do know. You know exactly what sort of man he is and that it is not a good idea to be in a relationship with him. Trust your instincts here. You might have feelings for him and he might be delightful on occasion but you know deep down that there is something not right with him. You are not safe with someone who says things intentionally to cause you pain.

My ex lacked empathy and kindness. He wasn't necessarily a psychopath, just a very nasty person.

Honestly, I'd get rid of him if I were you!

It is not a sign of strength to be cruel to someone in need of comfort. It is also not a show of weakness to have emotions like a normal human being. Contrary to what some have tried to suggest, your SO is not a strong person. It actually takes strength to do or say the right thing and to be there for someone. A weak person ridicules, undermines and degrades. A strong person seeks to understand. It's disturbing that some people do not understand the difference.

@SavannahSums

Let me just explain a little more. I have PTSD and I don’t know if that is causing me to overreact about this. Like perhaps, even if we aren’t right for each other, perhaps he just has his own sense of humor and opinions and I’m too outspoken about my own. I just don’t know.

What's the difference? If you're over reacting, that's still your reaction to him. Being told you're over reacting isn't going to make you say 'Oh, ok, I'll like his behaviour, instead, then.'

Whatever he is, he's pushing your boundaries in some very very insensitive ways, and then laughing it off when you tell him how you feel. Is this the definition of someone you'd like to be in a relationship with?

Lots of people don't cry to sad things on TV but this sounds a bit beyond that. Lack of empathy = bad news (usually).

How old is he?

Honestly, I think the first and third examples that you gave in your opening post can be seen as funny. I think they're examples of dark humour - Jimmy Carr, a mainstream entertainer, does a lot of jokes along these lines. But mocking suicide when he knows you have personal experience with this is unforgiveable and yes crosses a line into sicko territory. Definitely a worrying lack of empathy and affinity with you which would concern me.

I can only assume that he knew this would knife me in the gut.

Because it did.

And yes you are correct.

People are different about how they REACT emotionally in the moment to something. Or have different opinions to others. That’s OK.

This person PRO ACTIVELY deliberately seeks to emotionally wound you and takes deep personal pleasure from that.

Please take yourself out of punching distance.

I am so sorry that you lost your DF to suicide. I also lost a family member in 2019 this way and it’s a v painful, specific and torturous grief to drag yourself through. You don’t need people in your life like this character who are out to hurt you when you are already on your knees. I hope you know that. You know you feel that.