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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does he sound like a psychopath?

129 replies

SavannahSums · 06/01/2021 16:13

So my significant other has been exhibiting some strange...outlooks. I know we can’t diagnose anyone, but I’m looking for opinions because I sense that something isn’t quite right.

First example: We were watching the show Deadliest Catch and they were sharing the story of 5 men who lost their lives at sea, including a father and his son. I felt emotional about it, almost in tears imagining how truly horrendous that must have been for them. Suddenly he said, “Do you think the dad watched his son die or the son watched his dad?” And when I turned to look at him in shock, he was grinning.
He seems to have this idea that if you don’t know the people who have died or been hurt...why should you care. He reacts that way whenever the subject of 9/11 comes up and I feel heartbroken for those people.

Second example: My father took his own life in 2019. I have been devastated. One day he made a joke about how suicide is “funny.” I can only assume that he knew this would knife me in the gut. And I just don’t understand who could say such a thing! I told him that in no way is it funny. He simply said, “I disagree.”

Third example: Once, after watching a crime documentary, we started speaking about punishment for pedophiles and other sexual offenders. I expressed my view that punishment should be as harsh as possible, that they should have no right to privacy after such despicable crimes. ...He said he feels that they still deserve privacy and should be treated well by the system.

I don’t know, I’m confused. There are more examples. I’ve never seen this man cry or be truly emotional.

OP posts:
Buggy1720 · 07/01/2021 00:22

My dad died 3 years ago and my partner isn’t very good at understanding or empathising with me because he didn’t deal with his mum dying in very similar way so I don’t expect too much from him in that respect. HOWEVER to joke about suicide after what you have been through is thoughtless and nasty. Could there be underlying issues why he has no sympathy or is he just a knob?

Myshinynewname2021 · 07/01/2021 02:16

The only reason to try and figure out what he is is to understand if he will change or get worse. I'm guessing like most women youve fallen for the 'there's a lovely man in there somewhere and if I love him enough my love will heal him and he will become the person he is destined to be. He was so wonderful and that was the real him'

And with the greatest respect this is the biggest pile of shit ever. It doesn't work like that. You will lose your life, your future and your mind if you buy into this absolute romcom lie.

You're obviously a caring person with lots of emotion but please don't pour them into this relationship. Whatever he is you can't fix this & he won't change unless he feels deeply ashamed & upset about who he is and desperately wants to change and has booked himself into extensive and expert therapy of his own accord. Which he has for at least 2 or more years.

Look at it this way. It probably wasn't a deliberate plan. However he is limited by his own abilities. He can't help being who he is - he probably found you interesting and exciting at first and convinced himself it would work out this time. But he can't sustain that and his real self - the one that hates weakness and gets bored is emerging. He can't get rid of that because he believes in it.

So it's not getting better. He's moved on... now you need to.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 07/01/2021 02:23

Back away slowly. I'd try and grey stone hom until he finds someone more interesting. Sounds scary as hell.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 07/01/2021 02:24

*him

thosetalesofunexpected · 07/01/2021 03:46

Hi Op
I don't know,if your Partner/husband is a psychopath,
(but I do know what a Arsehole is cause of exes I have been involved with have been.

Your Partner sounds like total Arsehole to me.

You are in extremly, Toxic emotionally abusive relantship.

Its ok/healthy to have differences of opinions on stuff as a couple,
But to have such a extreme insensitive lack of symathy /empathy on especially such a emotive issue that has affected you emotionally/traumatised you.
And your Partner does not give a shit about your feelings at all..

I am really pissed off with him about the way you are being mistreated (emotionally abused in this way and I don't even know you.

Your Partner role is basic,
essential,fundamental is to be supportive towards you emotionally.!!!
..

Trust your Gut feelings,they are telling you something seriously is "off"
a miss in your Partner/Husband Psyche and your relantship with him.

Your have high emotional inteligence,(I think you are empath,(emotionally intuitive /spiritual aware person..

Clearly he is the polar opposite spectrum

You deserve a lot better than this emotional Prick very poor excuse of a Partner/husband.

Yes I agree with other Poster you are a miss match in this way

You are far too good for him
And he is no good for you..

Please Ditch him Op.

DaffodilCakeBrew
xx

thosetalesofunexpected · 07/01/2021 04:17

Hi Op
I think you could be right actually it does sound like your Partner /Husband has got some kind of severe Personality disorder,
He might even have more than one over lapping Personality disorder too.

Your husband is a extremly manipultive emotional sadist.

Who gets off a kick out of seeing how you react...and kicking you down into emotional gutter !

Its a form of emotional gas lightening mimising your feelings etc.

Have a look up YouTube internet about malajusted personality disorders traits/characteristics and how these types of individuals manipulate etc in relantships.

Suaf · 07/01/2021 04:40

If you have no kids or married I'd end it.
He sounds unpleasant at best and an attention seeking oddball.

The stuff about your dad is completely inappropriate.

I had an ex who sounds like this.
My cat was run over and he'd do impressions of cars screeching around me as a joke. He thought it was really funny.

He for whatever reason, enjoyed and I assume still loves, provoking a reaction.
He saw it as witty outrageous humour and loved controversy. Others would view it as being an absolute tosser, mocking disabled people, saying he was happy when soldiers died as they were meatheads etc.

He was married for a while, ran her probably into the ground, went bankrupt. He's married again to a person more aligned with his views, they need to be with equally horrific people.

Sounds like you're more an empath type personality and he's at the other end of the spectrum.
Only works if you're both respectful to each other's views, which he's not.

Is he like this in public or with his friends?

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 07/01/2021 06:02

I'm not qualified to say if he's psychopathic (though it would not surprise me) but he's disturbing and repellent and you should ask yourself why you're in any doubt about your feelings on this unspeakably horrible person who scares you, doesn't give a shit about your father's suicide and doesn't make you happy.

Why haven't you dumped him already? That's not accusatory, it's asking why you're in any doubt and putting up with this chilling person for a second longer.

Galena92 · 07/01/2021 06:18

Oh I'm so sorry OP, I do think you are getting a gift from the universe to be getting these glaring red flags now. I married one of these 20 years ago, he often will make jokes or very flippant comments when something terrible happens. I hate it. Several times he has used my confidences and weaknesses against me. And he behaved absolutely horrifically when my dad died.

But it was a slow burn with us, he didn't start off that way with me. He really love bombed me for years and I genuinely loved him back and didn't want to see it, I disregarded his occassional insensitive comments and lies over the years because they were infrequent and I was in love.

But then he met a girl half his age and whoa! A true devil emerged. Actually I knew he was seeing her when he suddenly claimed to be Christian after showing no interest in God for years ( she went to evangelical right wing church). And suddenly interested in social issues, coincidentally enough...

While proclaiming to be Mr. Good Christian, he was abusing me. My point is you don't want to be me OP.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/01/2021 07:37

He’s weird. Get rid of him. Sounds like some red flags being waved.

ErickBroch · 07/01/2021 09:19

Sounds like he knows it upsets you and he wants to provoke that tbh.

Haggertyjane · 07/01/2021 09:33

Some men are brought up to not show emotion and put on this hard cynical veneer. If you think this is the case then talk to him about feelings etc. He doesn't sound a nice person regardless, but if you feel he is worth the bother, then communicating is a good idea.

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/01/2021 09:37

Sometimes psychopaths like to drop little hints of who they really are, just for the thrill.

It reminds me of an ex, who liked to present himself as a particularly gentle, caring man, the ideal boyfriend. But once he made a "joke" about having a hidden camera in his bedroom, just as we were about to have sex. Another time, he made a "joke" about buying a giant sized box of condoms from the supermarket and the look on the cashier's face and what she must have thought, as well as the other shoppers in the aisle. He went into some detail. And he used to go on and on about his female neighbour, although the woman did absolutely nothing wrong. He just hated her, and she was the outlet for his disdain for all women.

He cheated on me and left me for the other woman, dumped her after a couple of months, got back together again with her, got her pregnant, she had an abortion, etc, all in the space of 6 months.

When he did that, his odd out of context jokes made sense. He was telling me who he really was and that he was obsessed with sex and seeking sexual thrills, because its hard to hide who you really are 100% of the time.

ChaToilLeam · 07/01/2021 09:46

He sounds deeply unpleasant and I personally would end it.

1WayOrAnother2 · 07/01/2021 11:18

Is there anything about him that makes up for his treatment of you?
(I'm failing to imagine a counterweight in this case.)

To me it sounds as if you deserve much better; anyone deserved much better.

Yohoheaveho · 07/01/2021 12:27

I think he sounds puerile and sadistic

Wanderlusto · 07/01/2021 12:32

@elsaesmeralda

I also thought it sounds like he's trying to get a reaction, it was the grinning part you mention. So you could ask yourself what kind of a person gets off on that?
This.

He isn't nice.

Yohoheaveho · 07/01/2021 12:39

I'm also reminded of those men's rights /pick up artist types who use specific techniques which they think will give them control over women🤔

Galena92 · 07/01/2021 18:43

After 20 years of dealing with one of these types, I can tell you this behavior is quite deliberate. It is usually intended to entertain them when they are bored, and throw you off balance. Confusion is an essential part of emotional abuse which this is.

The grin you happened to catch is something along the same lines of "dupers delight". He got a good zing in, and was rather pleased with himself.

Anyone who says this behavior is acceptable and normal is probably of the same ilk. Run away OP and find yourself an actual human being who loves and respects you.

NovemberR · 07/01/2021 18:48

I'd have said that if the thought ever crossed your mind Is my OH a psychopath that was probably the time to end the relationship, personally.

If there is even the slightest possibility why the heck would you stay?

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2021 18:53

@NovemberR

I'd have said that if the thought ever crossed your mind Is my OH a psychopath that was probably the time to end the relationship, personally.

If there is even the slightest possibility why the heck would you stay?

Well I’d agree with this

It does sound like you are too sensitive and emotional and he is on the wind up. The suicide is funny thing was just cruel though and I’m sorry about your dad.

Why are you still with him? He clearly enjoys needling you when you get emotional. I do think though being on the verge of tears watching deadliest catch is a bit extreme, I’d prob have made a similar comment to lighten things up, although not so crass as he did.

956806416ak · 07/01/2021 18:55

Why are you with him?

Galena92 · 07/01/2021 20:17

Bluntness 100 I dont think it's that unusual to tear up during these shows, I do sometimes, especially if I have PMT. Deadliest Catch somehow does a very good job of playing on people's emotions which is odd I know. It is, at times, rather moving.

I think he observed OPs tearful reaction and made that comnent on purpose. He was ridiculing her in his head for the display of emotion and it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. He was probably bored.

PicsInRed · 07/01/2021 20:22

Yes, he sounds like a psychopath. Also, he enjoys torturing you.

The only way out of this with minimum damage is to make yourself very, very, very boring (google "grey rock") and he will either get bored and leave, or if you can't wait that long, you could remove a few special things and essential documents then go away for some "space to think". Then ghost him. Move cities if you can. Don't get pregnant.

Chimeraforce · 07/01/2021 20:25

Leave him on the shelf. Trust your misgivings and don't try to analyse or fix him.