Did you settle?

[Needclarity]

I did. Really wanted DC, knew my DH wasn’t everything I was looking for, but he was kind, reliable and we had good sex. He also made me laugh for a while. Nearly 30 years later, I find him so irritating and stupid, I can barely stand to have a conversation with him. I no longer fancy him, nor find him amusing...The only thing that’s keeping us together is that financially, I’d be worse off without him (we are equal earners) and our DD would have a worse lifestyle. I spend most of my time wondering, ‘What if?’ - thinking about how my life could be, if I actually liked the person I was with. Am I being stupid for staying put? Or just sensible and pragmatic? Anyone in a similar situation?

I did the same. Left him after 14 years - this time last year. I was becoming bitter because he irritated me most of the time, and I didn't fancy him any more because I had lost respect for him. He has like another child - increasingly so. We weren't equal earners - I earned more. My life is so much better and the children in general are more relaxed though the situation isn't what I wanted. I had had a bad first marriage, single parented for 6 years and realised I had to meet someone or I would never have more children. I was looking too hard, settled for less and I think convinced myself that 'all things considered' he was great - or rather the best I could find at the time. I believed I was very happy originally but looking back the signs were there from the beginning.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your daughter about relationships and what is she learning here?. Would you want her to be in a marriage like this; you would probably answer no but you're showing her that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you. If your DD came to you describing such a marriage would you be advising her to stay due to she having kids and financial reasons?. You're both modelling this crap model to her and its one she could go onto replicate, after all you are providing her with a relationship blueprint. She will also pick up on your antipathy towards him along with all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you and her father.

Financial concerns are really no firm basis to remain with someone who you find irritating and stupid let alone no longer fancy. You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. Whose sake would you really be staying for; hers or more likely your own deep down.

I don't think staying means you are stupid but it does seem sad because you have resentment instead of contentment and that seems like not much of a life.

It sounds as though fear is stopping you from moving on but I am sure you are more than capable of becoming independent and creating a better life for yourself.

How old is your daughter? If you have been with him for 30 years, she must surely be an adult?

How old are you?

I guess somewhere near 50?

You have 30 years ahead of you, if you are.

Would you be happy on your own?
Do you want to meet someone else? (Have you been dipping your toe in the water?)
Are you willing to live a simpler life with a smaller house and less money?

I don't agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat about the model your daughter is picking up. In my experience almost every single one of my close friends could say their parent's marriages were wanting in some way but they were intelligent enough to understand it wasn't the ideal marriage model.

Certainly for people my age our parents often put up and shut up because the women had little earning power. But children definitely do not have to copy their parent's choices.

I left after 10 years. It was scary but it felt so good to be finally free. Everything worked out financially and dc adjusted with time.
Life's too short to be feeling miserable every day.

What do you actually mean by your dd will have a worse lifestyle? Do you mean she won't be able to go to her ballet lessons (which she won't remember) but she will have happy parents not modelling shit relationships. I can 100% tell you which option she'd choose.,

Our DD is 16, so I’m thinking about the cost of university. She’s incredible and absolutely the best aspect of our marriage. I feel that I should just wait until she goes to uni, but then I’ll be two years older! We’ve been together a long time, but married for 19 years. I suppose I dragged my feet a little at the start, but felt, at the time that the pros of marrying him outweighed the cons. I really loved him when we first met, but I think that was because I was young and had recently had a breakdown. He was kind, loving and funny, and what I needed at the time. As we’ve both matured, I think We’ve both changed in very different ways. He’s become less dynamic, energetic and ambitious, whereas, as my confidence has grown, I’ve become more so.

My h left me when our youngest was 18, I should have done it 10 years prior because I definitely settled, the life was good, we still get on well now but life needs to be more than ok. It's pretty hard in teens even if you wait so do what is right for you rather than a certain age

@Needclarity

Our DD is 16, so I’m thinking about the cost of university. She’s incredible and absolutely the best aspect of our marriage. I feel that I should just wait until she goes to uni, but then I’ll be two years older! We’ve been together a long time, but married for 19 years. I suppose I dragged my feet a little at the start, but felt, at the time that the pros of marrying him outweighed the cons. I really loved him when we first met, but I think that was because I was young and had recently had a breakdown. He was kind, loving and funny, and what I needed at the time. As we’ve both matured, I think We’ve both changed in very different ways. He’s become less dynamic, energetic and ambitious, whereas, as my confidence has grown, I’ve become more so.

I'm older than you, DCs older, done uni and all of that.

IME of their peers, parents divorcing just as they start uni is a HUGE no-no. I know of someone who went into deep depression when his parents did that then and he was on meds for his 1st year and needed a lot of support. Uni is a big step for some kids if they live away and taking on board their parent's split at the same time is hard. It means going back at holidays etc to the 'family home' is fraught with issues.

I think you might benefiot from counselling for yourself . This will help you decide if the marriage is really over or if somehow you can rekindle it. IF he has changed hugely from what you hoped he'd be, and you have changed too, there may be no way forward.
But maybe you need to talk to him about it too.

Have you?
Does he know your feelings?
Do you feel he needs a chance to change?
Does he want to stay married to you?

If he walked in and said 'Need, I want a divorce as I'm not happy as we have grown apart', would you feel

a) relieved and punch the air
b) upset and want to try to mend things?

Your DD will get a loan to cover some of her uni costs.
Her father may still have to contribute as part of maintenance to you if he earns more. All this would be discussed as part of your settlement.
I don't think uni fees are a reason to stay in the marriage.
She might not even go to uni and if she does, she could work p/t to contribute to the costs.
OR you could work on getting promotion/ earning more to support her.

I married young , went on to have kids etc.
I'm divorced now , and see it like this.
How you are as a person at late teens / early 20s is not the person you are as an adult in your 30s. The same works for your husband / wife.
We change outlook , personality , hopes and fears .
Some couples mirror that change , others learn to accept the changes in their partner. For some it's the opposite , their mannerisms annoy , their habits disgust , all negative things .
You either have to suck it up , and get on with it , or do something about it.

Would your husband really see your DD struggle to pay for university?

I think the weight of having parents stay together for you is too much to bear. So you need to avoid that being clear.

If you are split then the university 'grants' would be assessed in one parent anyway. Presumably your DH would see supporting her as a joint exercise and the money goes to her anyway... DC can often surprise us with their reactions. Though I understand it will make your own finances tight. One of my male friends 'stuck it out' with his wife and then couldn't stand it during the last 6 months of his DC's A levels and left - for which he has been forever blamed. I told DS1 during lockdown last year and he wasn't remotely bothered about the split (though DP wasn't his father but had been with him many years). Maybe quietly and calmly make your plans so that when you need to launch you have things in place? That's what I did anyway and it worked ok. It takes a lot of chewing over with a close friend and this discussion board helped me so much last year to come to a decision.

I did the same. As a teenager and young women I received absolutely zero interest from boys - never had boyfriends at school etc. When a boy then finally showed interest in me, he hooked me basically - I thought this was it and I settled thinking this was my only chance! We were together 27 years - married for 19. I gradually realised I didn't want to grow old with this man - I wasn't happy, didn't fancy him at all, sex was awful, and I had lost all respect for him. We separated 3 years ago - divorce was horrid as he became awfully controlling and emotionally coercive.
The separation has certainly upset our kids (they are teenagers) and life now isn't what I would choose for them (moving between 2 houses etc). I do feel terribly guilty about that - BUT I am happier, more relaxed and more confident. And you know what - I then did get interest from men - in my 40's (imagine the surprize of that!) I've tried on-line dating - had more boyfriends in the last 18 months than in the rest of my life previously (not that I've slept around of course!!)and now have started a new (hopefully) long term relationship.

I don't want to paint a rosey picture here. There are certainly disadvantages of separating. The disruption to your daughter - the financial impact - you may loose friends. But as they say - you only get one life and settling sometimes seems such a waste of one. Live your life for YOU - only you can decide if you can be happy with your current marriage. If you can't be happy - eventually staying will effect everyone else too. It's an impossible choice, but you are not the only one in your position. Good Luck!

Thank you for all your lovely replies. They’ve certainly helped. I still haven’t reached a final decision, but you’ve all helped to give me some clarity x

What do you actually want? I think it's far easier to leave a bad marriage than an OK one. If you want a wonderful new marriage with a wonderful new man, the odds are against you. If you're happy to live alone, have a wide circle of friends, probably a poorer standard of living, then go for it. Look at the worst possible scenario and if it's acceptable then do it. If great things happen then it's a bonus.

I settled and was with him for 20 years. After that I couldn't stand the sight of him any more, he was selfish, lazy and stupid but I ignored it all because I didn't want to grow old alone.
We don't have DC together, I had one before I met him.
I'm now growing old alone because it's by far better than growing old with someone I can't stand. I am financially sound though with my own house and his reckless spending habits just dragged me down.
I feel relieved he is gone. I don't want another relationship.

Almost, but no. I walked away. I’m so glad I did. I’m not sentimental at all but my husband is amazing and it’s all so easy. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been, constantly. I am so content that it’s unbelievable.

But, you’ve got a much different decision to make... it’s not comparable. I hope you find a way forward... everyone deserves to be happy.

I’d second the advice not to wait for DD to go to uni, though. That’s a big enough change.

@Needclarity

Thank you for all your lovely replies. They’ve certainly helped. I still haven’t reached a final decision, but you’ve all helped to give me some clarity x

You need to be careful about the 'grass is greener' syndrome.

It's far too easy to imagine a wonderful life without him, but you need to ask if you can create a new one for yourself. You may end up missing him more than you thought even with all his faults.

Have you ever talked to him over how you feel?
He might agree and want to divorce or he might take you up on what you are unhappy about and try to change.

I think lack of communication is behind a lot of your feelings.

I didn’t ‘settle’ for my now XH originally, we had 15 fabulous years but then a lot of trials and tribulations occurred which meant we grew in such different ways as people that we no longer made each other happy. I couldn’t stand him as my husband, it felt wrong to me that people thought I was happy to be the wife of such a man. We discussed it often, and over a period of three years it was clear to both of us that we were reaching the end of the road. The timing was so hard though, especially re DC. In the end we split at the end of my youngest DC’s first year of uni. It’s always hard on DC, at any age, but the split was agreed and amicable, and focused entirely on the DC. I was 52. It took me a while to find my feet but now, at 58, I’m the happiest and truest to my real self that I’ve ever been. It wasn’t 30 years down the drain, but if we’d stayed together any longer it would have been a waste of both our lives.

Re uni fees. He’s still her DF. Why would he not also help pay for them, the same as her DM?

My DC got the tuition fee loan and the maintenance loan, so me and XH basically made sure that rent and some living costs were covered. They each had a gap year during which they worked, and they worked in the uni summer holidays but we didn’t want them working during term time (though youngest chose to do so).

"She’s incredible and absolutely the best aspect of our marriage. I feel that I should just wait until she goes to uni, but then I’ll be two years older!"

Please do not do that to her because she won't thank you for doing that at all. If you do want to end your marriage make the break sooner rather than later and certainly not when she is about to go to university!. Her world will only further come down crashing around her ears. Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. As children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

Do not ever be afraid to move on with your own life and take responsibility for your own happiness. Too many people are simply afraid to move on with their own lives and take their own responsibility for happiness.

There are lots of empty nest divorces.

Have a proper look at what your financial/housing situation would’ve like post divorce?

Would you be happy having to move to a small one bed flat in anew area etc?

I did the same OP. DH was an impressive, high flyer when we met, he saved me from the awful relationship I was in at the time. 21 years later, he's been out of work over a year and realistically, won't ever return. He's lazy, boring, severely depressed but refuses to seek help. We've had no physical relationship for years.

But DC are still young (11 and 9), and at a fantastic private school. If we divorced, I'd have to sell our lovely home and give him half the equity, he'd get half of my savings which I'm relying on to pay school fees now he isn't contributing financially and I may even have to pay spousal maintenance. I'm not prepared to move DC into a smaller home, take them our of their school and disrupt their lives because I'm unhappy. I work long hours and couldn't do that as a single parent, he currently does school drop offs and pick ups (when open). We live very separate lives, have our own bedrooms and I can tolerate it to provide stability for DC. There are no arguments because we are past caring.

I understand the argument that it's not role modelling good relationships for the DC, but the world they are growing up in, makes me want to provide them with the very best education/opportunities I can, which means staying for now. It's not always black and white and I don't think you're stupid for staying put.

Your story sounds very similar to mine, @NewYearHere20
I too didn't get any interest from boys either, they just saw me as one of the lads. Then when I did get a boyfriend, he was a lot older than me and couldn't have kids anymore, so I accepted this and thought it was just one of those things. After five years he 'set me free' as he thought he was holding me back. This was my chance to possibly be a mother, so when I then met dh, I went with it. My gut instinct was that he wasn't the one for me, and I really feel bad for that, I should have been more decisive. I've often tended to let others lead me and find it hard to say no or let someone down. So now yes, I find myself becoming very resentful for all the time I've spent unhappy. It's not a terrible situation at home, but it's not what I want. I also have a teen and one younger who I absolutely put first, but I feel so drained and alone. I have to make this year the one that counts. Good luck everyone in the same position x