Did you settle?

[Needclarity]

I did. Really wanted DC, knew my DH wasn’t everything I was looking for, but he was kind, reliable and we had good sex. He also made me laugh for a while. Nearly 30 years later, I find him so irritating and stupid, I can barely stand to have a conversation with him. I no longer fancy him, nor find him amusing...The only thing that’s keeping us together is that financially, I’d be worse off without him (we are equal earners) and our DD would have a worse lifestyle. I spend most of my time wondering, ‘What if?’ - thinking about how my life could be, if I actually liked the person I was with. Am I being stupid for staying put? Or just sensible and pragmatic? Anyone in a similar situation?

@bringbackfonzi

Blaming women for 'settling' in a culture which still 1. promotes motherhood as the ultimate fulfilment and role for women and stigmatises single motherhood 2. disadvantages women economically 3. has insufficient free or cheap childcare 4. promotes the idea that women should save/cure/domesticate men (see eg Beauty and the Beast myth or the 'Fixer-Upper' song in Frozen) 5. even encourages women not to be 'picky' (eg the book that came out a while ago telling women who were single in their 30s it was their fault for chasing an ideal and that they should find Mr. Right For Now) seems misogynistic. It's also simplistic, black-and-white thinking. 'Settling' is seldom 'I don't think much of you but I'll have kids with you anyway.' It's usually more 'Hmm, no-one's perfect, you seem really nice, let's give this a go'.

Good post, @bringbackfonzi. 'Settling' is not usually a simple thing, and if Mn is any example of current discourses about women and relationships, it's rampant with posters normalising incredibly poor male behaviour and grim, unequal relationship dynamics. The point about men being regarded as 'needing to be saved/trained/ domesticated' is particularly rife on here in all those joky asides about men not seeing dirt, bless 'em -- and women who say they're in relationships where they share childcare and household stuff equally are accused of lying, as though no lives could possibly like that.

That sounds awful

Yes - but let's not forget that the greater victim in all this is the person settled for (man or woman) and yes we live in a patriarchal world - but that shapes people's lives in ways which make two people miserable? And i don't doubt it happens in same season relationships too? Its more about one person not wanting to be alone in life isn't it?

The point I'm trying to make, Seadad, is that fewer women would 'settle' if single motherhood, or not being a mother at all, was a more financially viable or socially acceptable possibility.

@bringbackfonzi - yes I do agree. Im running on here and now But if we changed the whole basis of family, marriage, fidelity, motherhood and fatherhood (and perhaps we should?) we would doubtles come across different pains - most likely fewer fathers - but absent fathers with scores of children - i don't know? Interesting tho?

Are some people suggesting we should be promoting single parent households? I strongly disagree with this.

I disagree that we should make it easier for people to have the state take care of their children. I do agree with holding both parents responsible for childcare costs. What we really need is to teach basic relationship courses in secondary school to help teens really understand the implications of their life choices. We live an awful lot up to Disney!

@Seadad

Yes - but let's not forget that the greater victim in all this is the person settled for (man or woman) and yes we live in a patriarchal world - but that shapes people's lives in ways which make two people miserable? And i don't doubt it happens in same season relationships too? Its more about one person not wanting to be alone in life isn't it?

Nonsense. No one has ever presented male singleness (before extreme old age) as anything other than Freedom, Playing the Field, Fun Bachelor, Sowing Wild Oats, with marriage as Ball and Chain, Entrapment, End of Fun etc etc -- and men without children are generally seen as having Dodged a Bullet, Mate.

Female singleness and childlessness, on the other hand, are still socially constructed in terms of tragic loneliness and unfulfilment (which is pretty damn annoying to the women who choose one or both), and girls are still too often socialised to regard marriage as the pinnacle of their lives, and the ultimate sign of their 'value', plus there are time constraints on female fertility there are not on men's, or not to the same extent.

It really isn't possible to claim there are equivalent pressures on both sexes that contribute to them 'settling'.

I wish I had met someone and settled . I have been single a long time and all I have every wanted was a family and I don't see it happening. I would settle if I had the chance.

I wouldn't mind being settled for either

@bringbackfonzi

The point I'm trying to make, Seadad, is that fewer women would 'settle' if single motherhood, or not being a mother at all, was a more financially viable or socially acceptable possibility.

Completely agree with your points. Destigmatising single-parent (and other non-traditional) family setups, and improving state and workplace childcare, are paramount - as well as changing the cultural narrative for women whereby motherhood is seen as the ultimate goal. Luckily we can all do our bit to push for all of these things whether in our personal or professional lives.

But it remains the case that settling for someone you don't love will usually have the effect of ruining other people's lives. Do I understand why people do it? Sure, whatever. Does that outweigh the unhappiness I've seen wreaked on the settled-for partner and the kids in this scenario? Absolutely not.

Some of the comments on this post are just horrible. I hate this talk of ‘settling’. It is so selfish and cruel towards the other person. How much more selfish can you get than manipulating someone else’s feelings for your own personal gain. I can’t imagine being married and loving someone for years only to find they had settled for me and thought they were worth more than me. Such a horrible way to treat someone, and it is nearly always women that talk of settling in this way. I have too much respect for other people to use them for my own advantage,

Blimey I don’t picture a single child free man as Freedom etc @Cluas, or a single child free woman as tragic, where on Earth are you getting these stereotypes from? Do people really still marry and have children just because ‘society’ expects it of them?

No, I didn't settle. Nor do I intend to.

The single life is one to treasure

EssexLioness why do you think 'settling for' someone and loving them are mutually exclusive?
The idea of marriage as a perfect romantic union is very modern and, I think, sometimes damaging. I know someone who married someone she liked because she wanted a family and companionship. Years later, they are the happiest couple I know.

@ThisTooShallBe

Blimey I don’t picture a single child free man as Freedom etc *@Cluas*, or a single child free woman as tragic, where on Earth are you getting these stereotypes from? Do people really still marry and have children just because ‘society’ expects it of them?

I can assure you that neither do I, but, absolutely, these stereotypes are alive and well. And it's less that 'people' still marry because society expects it of them, than that girls still receive so many heavily-gendered messages from their earliest socialisation onward about their value consisting in their capacity to attract and keep a man and in motherhood.

@bringbackfonzi

EssexLioness why do you think 'settling for' someone and loving them are mutually exclusive? The idea of marriage as a perfect romantic union is very modern and, I think, sometimes damaging. I know someone who married someone she liked because she wanted a family and companionship. Years later, they are the happiest couple I know.

And absolutely to this -- for most of human history marriage was something entirely separate to romantic love. You married for dynastic, economic etc reasons.

Most modern adaptations have to tweak the tone of the end of Sense and Sensibility to adapt it to 20th and 21st century ideas of romantic love, as it depicts the passionate, teenage Marianne, bruised after her encounter with the dastardly Willoughby, settling for 35-year-old Colonel Brandon 'with no sentiment superior to strong esteem and lively friendship'.

And Austen doesn't disapprove, just like she doesn't disapprove of Charlotte Lucas 'settling for' Mr Collins on economic grounds -- and she does say Marianne eventually comes to love Brandon, later on.

I love the JA reference Cluas and I totally agree.

Your poor husband

@coronaway

Are some people suggesting we should be promoting single parent households? I strongly disagree with this.

Agree. There's enough children messed up by absent parents already. Children with kind loving fathers would never trade them in their dads, and children thrive best in secure two parent homes.

There's also a reason why children are the natural product of two people. It's completely normal for women to desire and seek a loving man to create a family together, nothing misogynistic about that at all. It's what's best for the child, best for you as the mother to have the other person by your side, and also it's bl**dy hard being a single parent.

I think a lot of "settling" is down to the ticking biological clock women have, and often (but not always) women choosing to waste their previous fertile/younger years with the wrong men.

Settling has always existed in some form because obviously not everyone can meet and marry the ideal person in their heads (who may not even be realistic anyway). I do think it's totally wrong and deceitful to marry someone who you don't fancy or someone who you're not very happy with, especially if you then start wanting to break up your family later.

@ThisTooShallBe

Blimey I don’t picture a single child free man as Freedom etc *@Cluas*, or a single child free woman as tragic, where on Earth are you getting these stereotypes from? Do people really still marry and have children just because ‘society’ expects it of them?

It seems some people are in a strange denial that seeking a partner and having children is a basic biological instinct. It's the most normal instinct there is. The human race would have been extinct long ago otherwise. They're trying to turn it into some sort of misogynistic or societal thing sneakily imposed on women but it just isn't. Society in this regard, simply reflects our natural instincts. The vast majority of men seek partners and want kids too, otherwise who is marrying and having children with these women...

To me settling is when you look at someone , see them as inferior but that they can provide financial support/ children/ stability/company and think that "I'll be with you even though I think you are inferior to me in order to gain this advantage".

Settling isn't being with someone even if they have flaws, because we all have flaws. It isn't growing apart and realising you are no longer on the same path, because that's a risk in all long term relationships. People are describing situations that aren't settling and trying to justify it? It's confusing. If you went into your marriage believing it was for life and you thought that was realistic and achievable then you didn't settle. Imo anyway.

User88454

I agree.

To.me settling is accepting someone, even though you think you could do better and even though you don't have true feelings for them because they are offering something you want (eg a relationship, security, a family) although you don't actually want it from/with them.

It's not making the sort of compromises that ost people make in a relationship eg I love him but he doesn't enjoy the same sort of holidays I do or I love him but we don't have the same taste in music.

"Our DD is incredible and absolutely the best aspect of our marriage."

Your daughter is a product of your marriage, not an aspect of it.

From her description I don't think OP did settle. She married a man she was (in her own words) "really in love with", made her laugh, had great sex. He wasn't perfect but who is. That sounds like a totally normal marriage, not settling. That they have grown apart after 30 years together is also completely normal. It doesn't mean it was wrong all along or that they shouldn't have got together.