Did you settle?

[Needclarity]

I did. Really wanted DC, knew my DH wasn’t everything I was looking for, but he was kind, reliable and we had good sex. He also made me laugh for a while. Nearly 30 years later, I find him so irritating and stupid, I can barely stand to have a conversation with him. I no longer fancy him, nor find him amusing...The only thing that’s keeping us together is that financially, I’d be worse off without him (we are equal earners) and our DD would have a worse lifestyle. I spend most of my time wondering, ‘What if?’ - thinking about how my life could be, if I actually liked the person I was with. Am I being stupid for staying put? Or just sensible and pragmatic? Anyone in a similar situation?

When I married I didn't think I was settling but looking back I was. He was kind good to me and I wanted kids. We split when my kids were young now they are adults. It was tough financially but I got through it. My parents split when I was 17. They stayed because of me and it was totally the wrong decision even though I know they thought they were doing the best for me. I wouldn't be waiting around to be honest life is too short. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life together?

I think I have found my thread.

@Needclarity, I hope your final decision leads to a positive and satisfactory outcome for you all 💐.

Just to paraphrase from another poster, as it is so true:

How you are as a person at late teens / early 20s is not the person you are as an adult in your 30s. The same works for your husband / wife.
We change outlook , personality , hopes and fears .
Some couples mirror that change , others learn to accept the changes in their partner. For some it's the opposite , their mannerisms annoy , their habits disgust , all negative things .
You either have to suck it up , and get on with it , or do something about it.

When I met John I was living on my own after splitting from an ExP who was abusive to me.

I met him through a family members group of friends and things progressed pretty quickly, moving into our first house and engaged within six months of meeting. We married 18 months later. One or two people I knew asked if I was settling as things were going too fast. I didn’t think so at that time.

He was kind, considerate, listened to me and wiped away my tears when I told him about exP. We both had the same outlook and very similar families.

We both worked many hours and banked enough money to make our lives comfortable for the future, pay our mortgage off so now thirty years down the line, we have managed to be able to reduce our hours of work and relax...

Sounds good? No, I have settled.

Looking back, I should have waited longer and let myself heal from exP as I didn’t have many boundaries when I met John.
Looking back, I should have left while we lived in our first house, instead of the many years saving up and staying in to move to a bigger house.

As we have got older, and see a hell of a lot more of each other, I see faults. I see bad habits and negative things that have really been there all along.

My tolerance level that was there in the beginning (thankful that somebody was finally kind to me) has now disappeared. More than anything I resent not having as much time on my own anymore. When he goes to work, I love it. It’s like living on my own again.

We have money and it’s all tied up in pensions and savings because of the hours we worked, and we should, all being well, be able to retire within the next three years, meaning we will be seeing each other more.

He isn’t a bad man. We talk. We cuddle. It’s nice (sex stopped a long time ago) But I don’t think I’ve ever loved him, and I see him more like a brother. Sometimes I think he feels the same about me.

Should I leave? Should we split? I’m fifty five and with the money all tied up, it will be hard to sort it out and sometimes I contemplate having a conversation with him about our marriage being over and living and retiring together as companions.

Sorry for that very long post.

To say one more thing: I have faults too, some he can see probably more than I can.

No I didn't, I left a 10yr relationship but wanting to have children was a big driver to leave. Have been with my husband now for 9yrs and very happy. Life is too short OP. My mum stayed with my dad until I was 17 'for us' when she should have left years before.

@NewYearSameCrap2021 55 is no age at all, you could have another 30 years together. Forget the money - it’s only money - ask yourself: am I brave enough to be really happy?

This is only an opinion. I think when you love a person you tend to ignore or excuse things that are less than pleasant simply because you love them, and then when you marry or live together those things you ignored can start to become irritating or annoying or just damned inexcusable.
I have been with my bloke for a long time. If I were to write a list of what he does/says etc it would be a long one. I am sure he would say the same of me.
There has to be a level of tolerance and provided the stuff is fairly minor then you either overlook it because of the positive aspects of the relationship or you let it fester and destroy you.

I would in your shoes consider counselling just for me to work through my feelings. I would absolutely have to try this, because let’s be honest you settled, he didn’t necessarily. You decided he was good enough for having children with (& kind and reliable are nice qualities), to decide now that you’re moving on needs to be a serious call. Because he could have used those years too. He could have found someone who would be with him forever, but he thought he had found that someone, he still might think that.

I think I have settled. I had my heart broken by my ex, a very messy breakup. I was late 30s and wanted a child, and pretty much the first person who came along is who I’ve ended up with. I did get my precious baby who is amazing. He’s not a bad man at all, and does have some good qualities and we get on fairly well most of the time but he’s not my soulmate (or even in my top 3 list of people I love spending times with) and that makes me sad. But I felt I was running out of time to have children after wasting so many years with my ex who didn’t want. You did well to stick it out for 30 years! I haven’t even done 3 yet but financially I would be screwed without him, I wouldn’t be able to keep the house on my own, I wouldn’t have the luxury of working part time so I can spend a bit more quality time with my child. It is what it is, for now. I just hope I don’t get to the stage where I really don’t like him though I do already have days where he irritates me beyond belief. I sound so cold and horrible and I’m not like that at all and I feel guilty for feeling the way I do

It's horribly cruel to pick on someone smaller than you, steal what they could have had from them and leave them short changed, just because you want part of their life to add something to yours .

[quote ThisTooShallBe]@NewYearSameCrap2021 55 is no age at all, you could have another 30 years together. Forget the money - it’s only money - ask yourself: am I brave enough to be really happy?[/quote]
It's only money?? You must be well off then to have that attitude. Can I have some if you have so much to spare??

Money is what puts food on the table, puts a roof over your head. It what keeps you from living in a part of town where the local police are around so often they might as well be a taxi service, where gangs of teen chavs terrorise neighbourhoods and drug litter is everywhere!

Yes, but I left after 4 years - I am less tolerant than you, and my ex had changed as soon as I became pregnant.

Our DS has a better life living separately from him.

@EarthSight I think you’re misunderstanding me. I do know what money is and does as I’ve supported myself all my life. There is a level of income at which money is the be all and end all, of course. But I read it that the OP was considering staying because she could thereby maintain a lifestyle with ‘trappings’. What I’m suggesting is that ‘trappings’ don’t buy happiness, being true to yourself does. Excess money can be a trap; it’s only money, not happiness.

I hope you’re ok OP.

The top and bottom of it is that there are some selfish people about.

If it wasn't what you really wanted in the first place but you decided to 'settle' then you really should be ashamed of yourself for playing with other people's lives.

You should have walked away before you ever decided to 'settle'.

I agree @crestar - and of course- its the inherently good and trusting people that fall prey. And it makes two people suffer in the end.

Yep I settled and put up with shit.

Tonight I've had a lightbulb moment after yet another misdemeanour on his part and told him I'm done.

And I mean it.
I'm settling for the little snippets of restricted life,of compromise on my side even down to tea or the friggin bedding I hate that he chose and insisted on buying. It makes me hot every night but that doesn't matter right?

Like wanting to do things together and realising I have to practically beg him to spend anytime with me in the evening after tea because of the excuse he has to go to bed early for an early work start yet manages to play games upstairs.

He even told me the other night he was bored upstairs so I suggested he sit down stairs with me for a bit and he said but there's nothing to do. And I bloody took it. What a twat.

I'm not settling anymore. I've got some awesome kids who need an awesome mum and a life of experiences,not waiting round for dad to actually get up on a weekend and then not want to do much.

It's showing them that I'm accepting this life and I absolutely don't anymore.

I've been an idiot and settled. Sex twice in a year and not much affection going on. It's like living with a lazy uninvolved housemate that pays half the bills. Not another equal adult that should be parenting his kids and being a grown up.

Seadad

I agree. My biggest relationship fear is being settled for.

I would be devastated.

I think it's an unbelievably selfish thing to do to another person.

This thread is depressing and I agree with those who say settling for someone is incredibly selfish.

Imagine how you would feel if your OH suddenly came clean and said they had been settling all these years.

Tell your DH how you feel and he may make the decision for you. I wouldn't want to stay married to someone who found me irritating and stupid!

Be careful what you wish for......

I know a few people who thought they "settled". I really don't like this kind of talk. What you are basically saying is "I am too good for this person and I deserve better".

As said, I know a few people who have settled. One great example is my friend whose wife "settled" for him. At their wedding her relatives and friends all gossiped about his family and how they couldn't believe she was marrying him. I knew both of them and honestly, I think she got the better deal. He is kind, generous, funny, loyal and a decent human being. Anyway, she led him a merry dance and she left him for someone else. Then to'd and fro'd with him for a couple of years. He was broken.

Anyway, a few years later he met this woman who looked like Andrea Corr, was lovely and loads of fun. They travelled the world together and have DC and are now married. His ex is still looking for the special one she so deserves. My friend told me he is glad she dumped him otherwise he wouldn't have met his new wife.

I don't think people should stay in happy marriages but I don't like this talk of "settling". As someone said it is selfish and it hurts people.

No, I didn’t. But I nearly did and I still shiver when I think about how empty I felt (we were together five years, we had a house together and were engaged. I got cold feet two months before the wedding because I knew it wasn’t right and I pulled out). I remember feeling like there was something very hollow in the heart of the relationship. It was hugely depressing. I can’t imagine decades of it.

Equally a friend of mine did settle. He had had his heart broken spectacularly and settled for a “safe” option. About three years into his marriage he fell in love with someone else who I personally absolutely thought was the love of his life. He was only in his early 30s but dithered and decided to continue playing it safe. He still regrets it 20 years later, bloody sad.

I think personally you’re never too old to find true love. You’ve tried being sensible and pragmatic all these years and you’re unhappy. Cut loose and find someone who fulfils you AND give your husband an equal chance at happiness, as I would wager that if you’re miserable he is too.

Have to say I don't have a great deal of sympathy for the self-pitying settlers in this thread.

It's one thing if you once loved your DP and then grew apart or fell out of love. It's sad but that happens.

But if you knew you never loved him... knew you were never attracted to him... but still entered into marriage and parenthood (bringing DC who never asked for this into the equation) just because you wanted motherhood, money or a nice lifestyle? You made your bed and now you're lying in it. I feel sorry for your husband and kids.

To the poster who's staying with a husband she resents so she can keep her kids in private school. In my party days I met your kids many times. Rich, privileged and deeply unhappy because they'd grown up in a house with no love and they knew EXACTLY what was going on. Daddy issues and mummy issues everywhere. I often met them at house parties trying to numb these issues with drink and drugs. On the plus side, by then their parents often had enough money and guilt to pay for the plentiful therapy sessions they needed. And I guess you're right, their wealth and privilege did effectively insulate them from completely bottoming out, and a lot of them got their shit together in the end. But they were just very sad people.

Choosing material things over real love simply doesn't work out in the long run.

I don’t think anyone set out to ‘settle’ - I know I certainly didn’t intentionally. My partner certainly met my needs at the time of meeting him - we both just rushed things because of our ages, and what we both wanted (kids) - had we had more time on our side, we’d have had longer to figure out if we were really right for each other rather than jumping into moving in together in the honeymoon period etc. I have no doubt he probably feels the same. From the sounds of it most people were happy once or still do get on ok, and that partner was what they were looking for and met their needs once. In many cases the person they ended up with has turned out to not be maybe such a great partner, or co-parent or you’ve just grown in different directions etc. so feelings change. And as idealistic as it would be to set each other free or not ‘settle’ with each other if you’re not ecstatically happy, sometimes you feel you can’t - either financially or for the children - that’s why many, many couples are still together even if they’re not crazy in love. Maybe it is selfish, I don’t know, I think sometimes it’s practical

Settling is just cruel to the other person. I know because I did it first time round with DD's dad and I still have guilt about leaving him. He went on to have an abusive marriage (he was abused) and three lovely children and is just now alone again and going through a second divorce from the same woman. They married/divorced/remarried.

Rightly or wrongly I still have feelings of responsibility to him and sad that hes suffered and is unhappy.

I've not settled with my now DH, he has his moments but I really like him as a person and love him too. That said, we dont live together and never have so maybe that helps!!

Blaming women for 'settling' in a culture which still 1. promotes motherhood as the ultimate fulfilment and role for women and stigmatises single motherhood 2. disadvantages women economically 3. has insufficient free or cheap childcare 4. promotes the idea that women should save/cure/domesticate men (see eg Beauty and the Beast myth or the 'Fixer-Upper' song in Frozen) 5. even encourages women not to be 'picky' (eg the book that came out a while ago telling women who were single in their 30s it was their fault for chasing an ideal and that they should find Mr. Right For Now) seems misogynistic.
It's also simplistic, black-and-white thinking. 'Settling' is seldom 'I don't think much of you but I'll have kids with you anyway.' It's usually more 'Hmm, no-one's perfect, you seem really nice, let's give this a go'.