Permission to stray

[NorfolkDan]

Hi I'm a guy looking for advice I've been married 10 years and to be perfectly honest things have never been great in the bedroom especially as we don't seem to match.

My partner is not very sexual and this has always been an issue for us but recently she has given me permission to stray I guess you would call it.

Everything else in our relationship is amazing and i wouldn't change a thing however there is always this thing.

Is this a normal thing? Have any of you given permission to your husbands or wife's to do this?

Should I just move on to a new relationship and call it quits or do you think this could work?

What was the conversation specifically around you sleeping with other people? It's difficult to say if your partner means it or not. I mean she could say its ok but then when you do it she might decide she wasn't ok with it. You then would need to deal with the fall out of possible end of your marriage.

"Is this a normal thing?"
No.

"Have any of you given permission to your husbands or wife's to do this?"

No. I'd rather we both move on. It rarely ends well.

Each to their own but it's not something I understand. Just sounds gross not to mention a breeding ground for STIs.... Enter at your own risk but I expect you'll be separated in no time.

I wouldn’t give ‘permission to stray’, I’d be wanting a divorce.
Free her up to have a sexual relationship that suits her.

How are you planning to organise your ‘straying’z? Some people do have open relationships and it works for them however I don’t know how you start a sexual relationship and not have emotional attachments to the person alongside it. So for that reason I suspect it rarely works for both people.

Thankyou I would see it as more a fwb situation finding somebody on the same situation as myself I guess.

But I'm certainly not the type of guy to sleep around and never have been.

I wouldn't want to ruin our relationship we have a very good partnership but I had heard of people having open relationships before.

It's something I'd do if I was no longer attracted to or in love with my partner and was only with them for convenience. You say she's 'not very sexual' but maybe she would be with someone else.

Giving them permission to 'stray,' is something I'd do in that situation, I mean.

Open relationship. Does it apply to you both? Are you going to be very careful about STDs? If she's genuinely ok with it and you're both respectful and it applies to you both, I think it could be worth a go.

It’s not normal. I gave my XDH permission to stray because I couldn’t stand him and would have been quite happy if he’d had an affair that meant less time together, or even left me.

But maybe it’s OK for your wife.

Either way, are you the kind of person who could just have a bit on the side with no attachments?

I don't want to be to crude here but I would say sexually we have never been very compatible we like different things but as a couple we are great.

She had spoke about it before many years ago.

Plus to be perfectly honest I wouldn't even know where to start with finding someone in my situation who also wouldn't want more.

I actually think it would be a good thing if this was normal.

I'm divorced now, same issue, but we still live together whilst house moves etc are being sorted, and actually, it's perfectly pleasant. We're coparenting, and cohabiting but both go on dates etc with others.

If we'd been able to sensibly have a discussion 5 years ago, and done this officially rather than divorcing, it could have been fine.

The question you need to ask yourself is - if you're allowed to have a fwb, then so is your wife. You could fall for your fwb, and so could she. Are you ok with that?

As for STI I would always be careful and would hope to find someone like myself if it ever went that far.
I had offered her the same situation and asked if it was me but she says she's just not interested in sex we are both in are late 30's I think this is to young to forget about sex.

@NorfolkDan
Regards to finding someone - online dating, there's hundreds upon hundreds on there. I've been on there a year, have had over 100 WhatsApp chats, over 20 dates. Loads of fun IMO.

@arethereanyleftatall Thankyou however not many single women would want a married guy I'm guessing lol

Well, loads of us are in the same boat so you'll be surprised. I agree many women wouldn't want to go behind your wife's back, I certainly wouldn't, but if it's all out in the open, it'd be fine.
For my case, we separated 18 months ago, it took over a year to sort the decree absolut, and we're still sorting house move. So, the choice is to just wait two years or just explain. It's really not that unusual.

Finding someone won’t be easy. I think you need to be very clear about your situation in your dating bio on whichever site you choose to use.

If your wife is genuinely ok with it, then I don’t see an issue. I think a lot of marriages could be saved if society was more tolerant of this.

Hi OP. It's unconventional but it does work for many people - read about ethical non-monogamy and work out what this might mean for you before taking any steps. Other poly/ENM people would understand your situation - check out apps like Feeld to find them.

@ToLiveInPeace I will look at this app

We have had an open relationship, but not due to sexual incompatibility which is a little different. It depends if she really means it or is hoping you won't take her up on it. For it to work communication has to be super honest and open. The ball would need to be in her court that things can stop anytime she wants them to without argument. I think you need to do a lot of talking first and try and pre-empt boundaries - a one off sexual encounter will likely feel different to something ongoing. Is she able to read any messages sent? How much will she want to know of the details - or not? You may decide on some boundaries but then find reality is different and these need to be shifted. Finally, she might insist it's fine and you do it and it causes a lot of pain and distress after all, she feels different to how she thought - if that's the case you have to accept her emotions rather than shrug and say well you agreed. Defensiveness has to be left at the door.

We've found other people are open to casual encounters but I think what's key is they have to know your situation or it's not proper consent.

You'll find lots of people on here think the fact you guys are even discussing this is a death knell for the relationship, but I actually think flexibility has a place in some relationships. Only you and your partner will know if that's truly the case.

How much work have you done on your sexual incompatibility? I can recommend the book "Better sex through mindfulness" for her. Really opened my eyes and made my own sexual experience make more sense. Have you had open conversations about what you both like or don't like? Is there compromise and flexibility in your sex life or are one of your needs prioritised?

Prepare yourself for the following too - I was with my ex for twenty years and also thought I wasn't interested in sex. Now I'm free of him and dating others - turns out I just wasn't interested in sex with him. Are you ok with that happening?
The situation you describe is all in your favour atm - you get to keep your wife and have sex with others. Nothing to lose for you as it stands. But it could all come crumbling down. Be sure of what you want.

Yes we have had lots of discussions over this and how it would work.

I would say one of the biggest problems is I'm very much a giver :-p my partner has never liked this but I'm guessing not every guy likes to receive either.

Put that on your profile 😉

@arethereanyleftatall 😂😂

As someone in an open relationship, I do think ethical non-monogamy can work but it is an emotional minefield and there is inevitably jealousy and insecurity. The key to managing that is brutally honest communication.

You need to agree whether you want to see the same FWB or just ONS? There's clearly a more emotional attachment to a FWB. Will you go on dates eg dinner, movies, or just meet for play? Will you stay overnight? How much will your wife want to know? Will she want to read messages? How will you ensure that your relationship with your wife remains your primary relationship?

I wouldn't think conventional OLD sites are the best place to look. Better to try FAB Swingers or Killing Kittens to look specifically for someone who understands the dynamics of open relationships / swinging.