Permission to stray

[NorfolkDan]

Hi I'm a guy looking for advice I've been married 10 years and to be perfectly honest things have never been great in the bedroom especially as we don't seem to match.

My partner is not very sexual and this has always been an issue for us but recently she has given me permission to stray I guess you would call it.

Everything else in our relationship is amazing and i wouldn't change a thing however there is always this thing.

Is this a normal thing? Have any of you given permission to your husbands or wife's to do this?

Should I just move on to a new relationship and call it quits or do you think this could work?

OP I really recommend both of you reading The Ethical Slut and talking it through before taking this step. It's not a thing that everyone can do. And opening up a monogamous marriage to being non monogamous is harder than starting out being in a non monogamous relationship.

A red flag for me would be her preferring the don't ask don't tell approach. You'd be hiding an important part of your life from her, and she'd likely be hiding her feelings about it from you as well. Non monogamy can work well, but all the people involved need to be committed to it,and committed to open communication. She could end up feeling even more miserable than now. You may end up miserable having to hide things from her, and/or seeing her unhappy.

If she used to be more sexual but isn't now, it could be that there's other underlying problems in your relationship, maybe ones she's not aware of but have affected her sex drive. Moving into non monogamy if that's the case, could easily break up your marriage, and do more harm than just splitting up now. I'd really recommend getting some counselling first to make sure you have a firm foundation, and that both of you are going into this with full informed consent and enthusiasm

Relationships with mismatched sex drives are incredibly difficult and don’t have much future, unless some solution is found.
But there aren’t that many options.
Suppressing sexuality or having affairs are the most common approaches.
Opening the relationship is much rarer, but it is the only honest way to approach it.

Good luck OP. It’s not an easy path as for many people it isn’t something they can get their heads around. Not yet anyway.

I know a few couples who have tried it. It can work, with ups and downs, as any relationship. As others have mentioned - Killing Kittens is countrywide and does have a good reputation. Married dating sites (eg IE, AM) also can be a place to start - there are other people in your situation.

Thankyou for all the advice 😁

I do worry about married dating sites some seem very expensive and are they just fake profiles 🤷🏼‍♂️

Do you imagine there are no women in your position ?

NorfolkDan would your wife and you consider any counselling that may help?

A number of us have suggested counseling and he's not engaging with that idea. He just seems to want to know where to meet women

Be careful what you wish for.

boonlark

Funny that...

If only there was a website used mostly by women you could go on and try to arrange hook ups

hopping

Perish the thought. There would be all sorts of odd fuckers flocking to it...

Another Norfolk dweller here

Not the same scenario but there are some spouses who have become carers at younger ages for partners, who are no longer able to have sex, and who are open to a FWB relationship. (I'm a member of a carers forum and have seen this crop up quite a bit).

@Hoppinggreen 😂 that really wasn't the plan

@Divebar oh no I'm sire there must be some lady in my area in a very similar situation to mine

@Hoppinggreen

If only there was a website used mostly by women you could go on and try to arrange hook ups

Agree with this. Absolutely blatant in this case. I can remember a time when MNHQ would have removed a thread of this type sharpish.

No you don't. You are literally posting on here that your partnership is unbalanced

or

No you don't. You are posting on here that your partnership is unbalanced.

[quote NorfolkDan]@Divebar oh no I'm sire there must be some lady in my area in a very similar situation to mine [/quote]
No, hookups totally weren’t what you were after, just some advice and support.
The fact that you are advertising your location is pure coincidence

Who cares if he was after a hook-up here? This is the internet .... there’s nothing special about MN that means people can’t make connections here

It's the dishonesty that's the problem. He's come on here pretending to ask for advice. That's a red flag

Yes, it’s the faux “ does anyone have any advice?”
Rather than “anyone fancy a no strings shag?” That pisses me off

At least Brian from Hull was clear about what he was offering !!

I guess there are two things here that come to mind:

1. I'd be turned off by someone who has a wife who seemingly is not interested in them sexually and is happy for them to meet other women. I'd immediately thing "What the hell is wrong with him??!"

2. Your wife may be happy in theory but it could damage your relationship in the long run..... so perhaps you need to be mindful of that?

@Hoppinggreen

At least Brian from Hull was clear about what he was offering !!

Brian was not only upfront, but the replies on his thread were some of the funniest I've ever read on MN ! That said, I do think it was one of those threads that had to be read 'live' to really appreciate it.

Damn. I missed Brian from Hull! Bet that was a corker.

Many couples have open relationships where they are happy for their partner to sleep elsewhere. If the rest of the relationship is amazing and just sex isn't maybe it's an option to try before breaking up. If you're going to split anyway. I watched a TV programme recently where the husband gave his wife permission to stray and he was happy for her, as it made her happy. He was not that interested in sex but his wife was. Otherwise their relationship was everything they both needed.