Permission to stray

[NorfolkDan]

Hi I'm a guy looking for advice I've been married 10 years and to be perfectly honest things have never been great in the bedroom especially as we don't seem to match.

My partner is not very sexual and this has always been an issue for us but recently she has given me permission to stray I guess you would call it.

Everything else in our relationship is amazing and i wouldn't change a thing however there is always this thing.

Is this a normal thing? Have any of you given permission to your husbands or wife's to do this?

Should I just move on to a new relationship and call it quits or do you think this could work?

@PinotPony Thankyou I won't go on fabswingers actually find it rather strange. It's really a breeding ground for disease and without being rude most people on there look like there on meth 😂
I haven't seen killing kittens I believe it's more london based I'm in Norfolk.

Also i think most sex sites have some strange people on them no offence to anyone that use them though.

We've tried an open relationship in the past. We don't anymore but we are as strong as ever. Ignore people who say it will never work, if you're both adults who communicate well and are committed to eachother then it can work. However, surely lockdown means that dating isn't a possibility for the foreseeable anyway? Seems a strange time to be worrying about such a thing.

@Perfect28 yes I know bad timing but we will be out sometime in the future we hope 😁

I think starting ethical non monogamy needs to be when your relationship is in a good place. Is it worth going to counselling together with someone who is open to what you're planning and can help you with the communication and boundaries side of things?

Otherwise you could find yourselves hurting each other by not understanding each other on this, and it could make your relationship much more shaky.

Honest and open communication is really key to this working. Some spouses want a "don't ask don't tell" policy, others would prefer to meet the other person and form a friendship to help aid trust between you all. You all need to figure out how to handle this, but you're more likely to find partners if your wife is happy to meet them, so they can be sure you're not cheating on her.

We have discussed this it's and don't know don't tell scenario which of course as you say makes it harder.

Lucky you, I wish I had permission to stray! I broached it but he's not keen. I'm similar, we have a problem in the bedroom but match in most other areas. Don't want to break up the family but also want some fulfilling sex. Don't worry about what others think, do what's right for you. A lot of our choices are dictated by convention rather than tailoring our lives to suit our individual situation. Have you thought about a sex therapist? I'm thinking of asking my husband to go to one.

What about using one of the sites for married people? Isn't the whole point of those for people who want sex but to stay married? I think someone else in the same position would be best so you know where you both stand. A long standing arrangement with someone in a long term relationship would be safer, and you could maybe request they are tested too.

I think picking the right person is probably important. If you want to stay married then you need someone ideally who matches sexually but not otherwise so you don't form an emotional attatchment. I think I want a different man inside the bedroom and out of it so combining in this way would be ideal.

Thankyou @Gyh863 good advice it's refreshing to speak to people who feel the same as me.

I wouldn't want to ruin our relationship we have a very good partnership

No you don't. You are literally posting on here that your partnership is unbalanced.

@NorfolkDan

Also i think most sex sites have some strange people on them no offence to anyone that use them though.

No, KK is countrywide and mostly professional, educated people. We're not strange at all! 😂

It doesn't sound like this would suit you personally and that you and your DW are (rather) just very close friends.

You come over as though you want to be sleeping with someone you love, who loves you, who you live with.

Suspect finding a FWB would be a lot of faff for you and end up in a messy end to the marriage when you fall in love with them.

Whereas if you split up in a civil way now, you could eventually stay friends.

Funny that you see on MN a lot of blokes who would be quite happy to play away with permission, but if that's not your nature, don't force it.

Personally I think you'd be treading a very fine line. These things can sound plausible and of so very acceptable in theory. However the reality may well not be the shangri la your looking for. You've not counted in emotions those of your wife or your own. As others have mentioned until you fuck someone else your wife won't know how she's going to feel, probably a failure. You may well develop feelings for your fuck buddy also and then what. I think it's a recipe for disaster. If she no longer wants or requires sex and you do you've become incompatible. Painful as it is perhaps your better off separating and in time finding someone who's sexually more active.

Thanks @PinotPony I will take a look at KK

I think it depends how the conversation went.

"Well go and find someone else to fuck" Vs "I've thought about this a lot, I really don't want us to have a sexual relationship and more so I think it might a good idea for you to get those needs met elsewhere but come home to me""

Who suggested it? How much do you pressure her for sex? Have you threatened to leave / cheat etc

@SleepingStandingUp it was her idea and no I never pressure as that's just dumb whatever may happen I still love this woman and would not force her to do anything.

I am in the same position, husband has lost interest but won't entertain the idea of an open relationship. It's terrible. He doesn't want me, but no one else can have me either!
I think, in theory, if she has given you permission to have affairs, that's ok. But honestly, imagine you coming home smelling of perfume etc. Is she going to be ok with that? Will it make you feel sleazy?

Theory and actually carrying out these actions are two very different things.

OP, read the book The Ethical Slut. It's a very comprehensive guide on how to make non-conventional relationships (open, polyamorous, everything in between) work respectfully.

Honesty, communication and mutually agreed boundaries are key. And it's by no means the easy route. You have to think ahead to potential problems and decide between you how you'd want to resolve them. If you find a FWB - what happens if you catch feelings? Or if she does? Would you be comfortable with one night stands instead, which can lack emotional intimacy?

From the sounds of your posts you're not very familiar with this kind of set-up so I'd take your time and do the reading and thinking before diving in. You may well decide it's not actually something you're comfortable with and that's fine.

(My perspective - I'm someone who is rationally OK with open relationships but in practice when it comes down to it, not actually that interested in one.)

“Stray” - are you a dog?
Do you know what we did to our dog to make sure he didn’t stray?

@Hoppinggreen did you make them feel better with your charming personality??

What if she tried out sex with someone else, someone more compatible for her.

How would you feel?

Perhaps you should both give it a go

Yes, that’s exactly what I did
(Or had his balls chopped off)

Second the book 'The Ethical Slut'. Well worth a read (and your wife might find it useful too)

Why would someone come on an anonymous forum and call themselves 'NorfolkDan.' Why not something more... anonymous?

What a dangerous thing to do. It will be the end of your relationship the minute you touch someone else.

I haven’t RTFT.

My DH and I have had periods of an open relationship. It was mutually agreed and the result of a long journey we went on together. In fact we hardly invoked it but it worked for us at the time. But it is a complex thing which requires a great deal of careful discussion and negotiation of boundaries and isn’t right for most people.

You might find Jenny Block’s book “Open” helpful. Also The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton.

But I repeat: it has to be handled with care and is not for most people. Don’t enter into it lightly because it could blow your relationship sky high. Consider carefully how you got to this point and whether it is worth the risk to your relationship if everything else is so good.