Permission to stray

[NorfolkDan]

Hi I'm a guy looking for advice I've been married 10 years and to be perfectly honest things have never been great in the bedroom especially as we don't seem to match.

My partner is not very sexual and this has always been an issue for us but recently she has given me permission to stray I guess you would call it.

Everything else in our relationship is amazing and i wouldn't change a thing however there is always this thing.

Is this a normal thing? Have any of you given permission to your husbands or wife's to do this?

Should I just move on to a new relationship and call it quits or do you think this could work?

Thankyou for all your advice even the hateful ones 😂

We are Norfolk too. It's worked ok even here 😂

@Forevertho well that's good news Norfolk is like one big village 😂

@Forevertho I'm guessing your in similar arrangement?

Maybe your not compatible sexually but that is not a reason to stray. Even if it's okay now that doesn't mean it will not come between you in a 1yr or 2 or 3.

Yeah, similar. For us it was more about getting together so young (late teens) and both realising we felt we'd missed out on some experiences. We didn't want to hit our 40s and one of us have a midlife crisis and have an affair or something, or feel resentful/wistful about what we might have missed. It doesn't make sense to everyone, but that's ok. It only needs to make sense to us.

It was much harder than expected in some ways, even with full agreement and blessing it brings up jealousy and worry. But that's natural and once you realise jealousy won't kill you it's quite freeing. Especially as the flip side is lovely, coming back to one another is like choosing each other again every time. Letting someone 'go' for them to come back feels good. Most people don't believe it, think there's no going back etc, but it's made us closer. So many think sex is so cheap but it's not, obviously, there's tons of deeper stuff underneath it. DHs first experience elsewhere drew a line under a lot of things for him, more than one might expect a short fwb situation to do. And I'm glad our relationship is such I could let him have that.

The difference for your situation is it's necessarily more one sided which I guess would be a bit of a different dynamic, but doesn't mean it's a bad idea.

I get where @misskhan1990 is coming from that it could come between you later. That's one of the risks I guess. You can mitigate it a little by having an approach of radical honesty. If everything good and bad is ok to talk about, negative stuff doesn't fester the same way.

It's interesting to me that you're a 'giver' and she is less into that. I'm guessing you guys have explored ways to make things more ok for her and for you both.

There are specific websites for people wanting to have sex without breaking up their relationship. Illicit Encounters is one. If I were you, I'd be looking for a FWB who isn't local, so you wouldn't have to worry about bumping into her and her husband/family in Sainsbury's.

There will be women in your area who are in exactly the same position. It might be a bit more respectful of you to refrain from comments about them looking like meth heads or being weird. They’re no more weird than you.

Yes, we gave each other permission, neither found the need to yet.
30 years married, so never say never
I disagree that it always spells disaster for the couple. Although you do have to be prepared that it might.

I don’t understand how people do this. You love your partner but are happy to go to bed with someone else how is it not a recipe for disaster? What if you photos to prefer the “friend?”

What happens if you find someone else sexually compatible who falls in love with you or gets pretty or you fall in love with them
Thats really unfair on everyone. I think its better to go your own ways and hopefully you will both find mire fulfilling relationships with other people.

Pregnant not pretty

*What if you prefer the friend I meant!

I'd personally consider all of the potential situations that could arise, such as

Jealousy from either your wife or a sexual partner
STD's (obviously we'd like to think your sensible enough to use protection!)
Being "babytrapped" by a sexual partner (see above)
A sexual partner trying to cause trouble or track down your wife
The possibility of feeling guilt after your first encounter and decide to no longer do it
The possibility of catching the worst STD of all, feelings.

There's a very interesting podcast about open relationships - discussing the pros and cons and suggested 'ground rules' how to protect your marriage.

If you search 'Nicola Beer' in Spotify you'll find it (she also covers topics like affairs and eating disorders...but has done loads on open marriages too)

Good luck

It certainly works for lots of people. And for the less-sexual spouse it can be a massive relief - because even in the most loving, respectful and non-coercive marriage, there's still the awareness that they are not fulfilling their partner's very natural human need for sexual intimacy.

If you're the kind of person who often catches feelings after sex, I'd suggest you go for straight up sex dates with no friendship, and/or look for an independent (ie not pimped) sex worker for a regular arrangement, who will have no hesitation in cutting you off if you start to get clingy.

Keep communication open at all times and keep checking in with each other. Be prepared to revisit "the rules" on a regular basis, at least initially. Both of you need to be able to say "I thought I was OK with this, but now I realise I'm not" and for the other to respect that.

Certainly it's worth a shot before calling time on what sounds like an otherwise happy marriage.

It is very possible that your bond will be breached. Are you prepared to be distracted by thoughts of your FWB when you are with your W? Her presence may well permeate your marriage, thereby creating distance between you and W. You may have intentions of compartmentalizing each woman, but from what I’ve observed, emotional intimacy can easily develop alongside the physical, which would hurt your wife.

Do you have kids ?

Why would you not rather spend the rest of your life in a relationship with someone who wants to have sex with you (along with whatever it is you want from a relationship - laughter, fun, loyalty, working as a team...or whatever qualities make you happy)? Spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t fancy you and fucking other people which is a minefield both emotionally and physically - no thanks!? Just leave. Life is too fucking short for that shit!

Think @NorfolkDan is hoping he will find someone here 🤣

It’s a tough one , I guess if she’s given permission and doesn’t like sex , but ... have you tried to get her in the mood ? Maybe anything particular she likes ? Would she be up for doing anything kinky together to spice things up ?
I’m guessing a good old wank and porn isn’t cutting it for you ?
Personally I could not share my partner sexually the jealously would eat me alive , especially if it was the same fuck buddy , I’d grow concerned an attachment was forming , I think you should only do this as a very desperate and last resort and if you do then I’d use an escort agency so that it is 100% sex with nothing else

[quote NorfolkDan]@Forevertho well that's good news Norfolk is like one big village 😂 [/quote]
So there's now three Naaaarfalk types in one thread (Waves) That's half the village 😂

Has the discussion about sex with others ever involved asking you if you would be happy about her sleeping with someone else?

A pp said that after the fact, your wife would not like it, I don't think she would.

Bad idea I think, probably better going to a sex therapist/councillor first to help the marriage or at least put some rules down and explore how it could ruin your marriage first.

Be careful.
I,ve known women say things like that but they didn't really mean it they just had resentments about other things.
You say you get on great and are friends, I think this would change.

Mmmmhmmm.

@CatMumOnPurrlough yes that's nearly us all 😂