Friends phone conversations - doing housework at the same time!

[MixingMusic]

Maybe this is more an AIBU, but here goes....

I’m in my 50s and have a friend who is nearly always doing housework and other activities when she rings me. I know this because I hear banging of pots and various other crashes and sounds in the background!

I’ve asked if she can stop because I can’t hear properly, but she is dismissive and makes some random excuse and carries on regardless 🤷‍♀️.

I should add, these calls are occasional and often quite personal conversations, eg where she has rung me about a problem. So it’s not general chitchat about the weather.

It’s a small example I know, maybe even petty. But the backdrop to this is I’m feeling pretty discounted by friends generally.

Why can't you just say, Sorry, can't hear you - call me back later when you have time to talk properly? And leave it up to her - her problems, if she wants a sounding board then she needs to pay you the courtesy of listening to what you're saying. You don't need to let her call the shots.

True.

I’m too soft?!

But I am pointing it out, but I no effect!

I'm probably guilty of this sometimes. The conversation stops the boredom of doing a mundane task. Take it as a complement.

Interesting...

Just keep saying that you can’t hear her properly and don’t carry on the conversation - if you do carry it on she’ll keep doing it as knows you can actually hear her

I do too, but only when someone is talking for a long period of time (elderly relatives) and I put myself on mute so they can’t hear me washing up or whatever it is!

I do this but I have adhd & struggle with phone calls, so find activity helpful. I only phone a few people, so they laugh what I'm doing & ask if it's noisy.

I can actually “hear” her Fabby, but it’s just unpleasant and occasionally alarming with the bangs and crashes in the background!

I had a friend who used to yawn all through our phone calls and she always rang me for a whinge then yawned all the way through. I found it incredibly rude.

She might not realise she's even doing it.

I cannot sit still during phone conversations . Even if I've literally been sitting on my arse before the call, I end up striding throughout every room in the house, picking stuff up and polishing random objects with a sock. Feck knows what that's all about.

But sorry if you think she's doing it because she doesn't really care

I often do this too and so do my friends. I thought it was quite normal!

I have a friend who does this and I can tell she's only half listening to me as is multi tasking so I just say phone me back when you're free to talk and hang up. It's rude in my opinion. She rarely does it now but had become a habit I think.

She is a bit “hyper”, v physically active, Wibble, so I thought there is maybe a need to be “in motion”.

My ex used to do this. I'd get fed up after a while and say "call me back when you're free". I work, he doesn't, so he had more free time than me but still always called me when he was making his dinner.

It may have contributed to why he's now an ex - I did not feel at all like I was a priority.

As I've aged I've found it more difficult to pick out voice noise from background noise, so things like conversations in busy pubs are a problem (well, not at the moment obviously, but before Covid). So if I was regularly speaking to someone who was doing this I think I would send a text saying something like "Just to let you know that I find it difficult to separate speech from background noise. So, in future, if you're doing something that means that I can't understand you I will suggest that you phone me back when things are quieter and then I will hang up. I'm not cross with you or trying to be petty, it's just that it's pointless to even be on the phone if I can't hear what the other person is saying."

It’s also probably my age, hence why I gave it? A phone conversation, hearing someone’s voice, to me is a v personal thing. But I suspect in my sons’s generation they seem to babble all over the place, no matter where they are or what they’re doing it’s just accepted.

@JazzyGeoff , I’m exactly the same! If I didn’t know differently, I’d swear I’d been hypnotised to start polishing stuff every time I hear my phone ring , and it’s always with a sock

I’ve mentioned it Black, to no avail. I have health problems as well which may influence things. I don’t think she’ll change but as I see out friendship on the back burner anyway, I don’t think it will last the course But yeah just feeling discounted and unheard generally I guess.

Polishing with a sock sounds very peaceful tbf

I fold my laundry when I make calls as it’s silent, just tell her.

[quote Purplethrow]@JazzyGeoff , I’m exactly the same! If I didn’t know differently, I’d swear I’d been hypnotised to start polishing stuff every time I hear my phone ring , and it’s always with a sock [/quote]
Crazy isn't it, glad it's not just me

And the thing is, I'm absolutely concentrating on the conversation, not the polishing. I often hang up and then look around me blankly, thinking 'wtf am I doing in the attic and why am I holding this sock?'

My brother always rings me in the car and it used to annoy me but now I am working I ring him and he can hear me digging etc it’s just a way of making a boring task more exciting. I love phone conversation so I will take it even if they are cleaning. My best friend and I are always cleaning when I speak to her !

My sister does this and also starts conversations with her family, then comes back to the call! Really annoying, suggests your time is not important.

Personally don't see a problem as BF and I do this all the time, she works full time and I've got a 6 month old so neither of us really have the time to just sit and chat, it's a great way to keep up to date with each other while getting stuff done.

I have a friend who calls me when she is either druving, cooking or half eating. The calls are usually really noisy and the topics very sensitive and so I do feel a little bit upset that she is not fully engaged with me. I think it's an age thing on my behalf; a bit like remembering to turn the TV off or music down if a visitor calls. However, my friend is the same age and it doesn't bother her so I guess it's an age thing plus a personal preference. It annoyed me so much that I now skip a lot of calls because I just don't feel valued.