Friends phone conversations - doing housework at the same time!

[MixingMusic]

Maybe this is more an AIBU, but here goes....

I’m in my 50s and have a friend who is nearly always doing housework and other activities when she rings me. I know this because I hear banging of pots and various other crashes and sounds in the background!

I’ve asked if she can stop because I can’t hear properly, but she is dismissive and makes some random excuse and carries on regardless 🤷‍♀️.

I should add, these calls are occasional and often quite personal conversations, eg where she has rung me about a problem. So it’s not general chitchat about the weather.

It’s a small example I know, maybe even petty. But the backdrop to this is I’m feeling pretty discounted by friends generally.

It’s all a bit AIBU, but a break from the sex threads

On a serious note, if it’s a genuine conversation, as opposed to “chitchat” it would be nice if someone returned the full attention you are giving them, and also minus the sound effects. I can’t meet up with this friend often, so it’s a meaningful conversation when we do chat. But though I’m fond of her, I think it’s indicative of other things.

Maybe I should just put her on loudspeaker and start hoovering next time she calls (bitter ).

@JazzyGeoff

She might not realise she's even doing it.

I cannot sit still during phone conversations . Even if I've literally been sitting on my arse before the call, I end up striding throughout every room in the house, picking stuff up and polishing random objects with a sock. Feck knows what that's all about.

But sorry if you think she's doing it because she doesn't really care

@JazzyGeoff I do this too 😂😂 Made me laugh.

I randomly pick things up and move them somewhere inconvenient and afterwards I'm like the fuck you doing there 🧐😅

'wtf am I doing in the attic and why am I holding this sock?'

@JazzyGeoff you're killing me now 😂😂😂

I have a DS who has to eat through ever phone call - doesn't matter what time I ring her or if it's a prearranged zoom call.
Drives me fucking mad!

Could be worse I have seen my dh taking a shit while on a work call.

On a serious note, if it’s a genuine conversation, as opposed to “chitchat” it would be nice if someone returned the full attention you are giving them, and also minus the sound effects. I can’t meet up with this friend often, so it’s a meaningful conversation when we do chat. But though I’m fond of her, I think it’s indicative of other things

My hunch is this is your thoughts and not her feelings - especially your phrase that it's "indicative of other things". Her doing housework is most likely because she is busy, not because she doesn't value you.

It's fine for teenagers to sit on their arses chatting, but most working mums simply don't have that luxury.

For me. I don’t use my phone to speak. If I phone you it’s a compliment. I do chores whilst on the phone. I don’t feel I have the time for an hours phone call and doing nothing else. I think life has moved on from the days when you’d spend hours on the landline and think nothing of it.

You have a point A1 in a way, maybe. But she’s not a “busy working mum” especially, and neither was the previous friend I had who used to do this (she was single, no children, a day job!).

It could be just my friends “way”, adhd, very physically active etc? Who knows? Though I do wonder if she would talk to her boss with all that racket in the background?. Also she wasn’t listening to me either really, so that is also part of the issue.

Anyway it’s been an interesting thread.

I do this sometimes, I'll be putting dishes away while chatting and I sometimes get told off by the person I'm speaking to but it feels easy to tidy as I talk.

You have been given alternative reasons in this thread for her quite standard behaviour

the whole sit down, twist the cord on a landline, curlers in, fluffy slippers on, door closed, for a gossip- is not a luxury most people can enjoy... yet have remained quietly, mercilessly judgemental throughout- - she could and must do it because youbdeserve full respectful silence at all times (why, if its just a chat?)

• she’s got ADHD and “needs” to seem active but she’s not actually usefully busy (so dismissive of her life and mannerisms)
• would she speak to her boss that way (! Putting your chats on an equal footing to a work discussion with someone she’s formally dependant on for her livelihood!!) and

-she doesn’t care or listen to you (If you sense that have you said it?).

1. Do you even like her? You seem to think she’s a bitbpointless. Why bother if not?
2. Friendships need lighthearted and affectionate honesty. If you don’t think you can say “hey Doris stop hoovering, it’s distracting me- don’t you love me any more Doris- Listen to my tale of woe in an appropriate manner FfS” Or even “shall I call back?” in a light way without sounding Too judgy and mean then maybe that’s a recognition that your friendship is a bit too tense and full of obligation but no joy

More laughing and affection is my prescription for this friendship

What a rude and sneery post and also your sweary Ffs back at you lada. And you’re missing the point too doh.

And your unpleasant post also judgy too. Maybe take a look in the mirror.

I often do this, it's because I'm really busy and the alternative would be to just not phone my friends at all

I think it’s you who is rude and sneery. Looks at the volume of people who have said you are being uptight about this.
You need to be kinder, and lighter with your friend, or braver and more direct- and if you can do neither, perhaps, get a new one who can give you the boss-like respect and focus you deserve.

@ladamanera surely you can see your ‘curlers in, fluffy slippers on’ line was rude and sneery though?

There's nothing wrong with lada's post

the first nastiness on this thread is the OP at 11:17:52 and 11:22:08

it’s just unpleasant and occasionally alarming with the bangs and crashes in the background

Phone her up and tell her. Don't criticise her about it. Tell her you know it's your issue, and ask her to stop as a favour. Tell her you want to be able to really listen to her properly. Make it sound like it's in her favour to do you the favour.

You are allowed to say if something gets on your nerves, you know. It happens to everybody.

I do this all the time.

If I call someone I will continue my clean and start one normally if someone calls me!
I get the job done and have a chat, when the call has ended I've not just sat around letting time pass! :)

Well FWIW I find social phone calls utterly boring so would do the housework (usually cooking in my case) for a bit of light relief. This isn’t because I don’t like my friends, I just dislike speaking on the phone

I'm often completing some job or other, most often cooking whilst I'm on the phone. My mum and sisters are the same.
With my two best friends we often chat for an hour or so every weekend and we're all doing something in the background. Its great because we get to catch up but at the end of the call we've all got loads of stuff done as well.
Obvious it's a problem for you so you must either tell her to call you back when she's free-er or just explain your issue to her. A good friend will listen and adjust ( and that goes both ways)

Friends and I all do this - I don’t mind and neither do they

I find video calls too restricting for the main reason that everyone wants to interact with the toddler so I can't carry on with jobs that I could get done on a normal call

I also probably have undx adhd actually, as does dd so may be relevant!

I agree the conversation can stop the boredom of a mundane task. I’ve done similar when I’ve really needed a friend to ‘be there’ while I’ve forced myself to fold clothes away or change the bedding. Making lots of noise is irritating but it could be a compliment really