Friends phone conversations - doing housework at the same time!

[MixingMusic]

Maybe this is more an AIBU, but here goes....

I’m in my 50s and have a friend who is nearly always doing housework and other activities when she rings me. I know this because I hear banging of pots and various other crashes and sounds in the background!

I’ve asked if she can stop because I can’t hear properly, but she is dismissive and makes some random excuse and carries on regardless 🤷‍♀️.

I should add, these calls are occasional and often quite personal conversations, eg where she has rung me about a problem. So it’s not general chitchat about the weather.

It’s a small example I know, maybe even petty. But the backdrop to this is I’m feeling pretty discounted by friends generally.

I don't think 'mentioning' it is going to achieve anything if she already knows that there's an issue. Identifying the problem, telling her what you will do if the problem occurs and then doing it might help.

Saying, "I can't hear you, call back when it's quiet your end" and then immediately hanging up without waiting for a response will have one of three results - 1) She phones back with noise - repeat above or don't accept her call if it's an immediate call back. 2) She phones back when it's quiet. 3) She doesn't phone back and bothers someone else with her issues instead.

I think this is completely normal.
My best friend and I both work such long hours the only way we can make time to catch up is often when we're doing a few house jobs . Perhaps she's very busy too ??

Sorry op I'm always doing housework on phone calls and my sister complains. I just don't have enough hours in the day to sit and talk when the house is in a state. To me it makes sense and I try to be as quiet as possible and warn her about impending loud noises!

Housework is the only time I'm alone. If you want to talk to me without kids present, it'll be after bedtime, which is cooking or housework time, unless you want me showering (AM) or an odd time of the night. It's not that you aren't important, it's that I have limited time where I'm not working or caring for kids, and I definitely can't concentrate if the kids are about.

I think YABU, especially lying and saying you can't hear her when you actually can. Not everyone has the time to sit in a silent room while talking on the phone. The fact she's trying to make time to talk to you should be enough to show you she cares. Do you suffer from low self-esteem?

I feel your frustration. I was on a call the other day to my best friend-she had her 4 year old with her. Friend then gave the phone to 4 year old to babble to me, fine for a minute or two, but they they both proceeded to go onto the trampoline and tried to keep chatting it was very irritating. My husband does what the other posters are saying -as soon as he starts chatting on the phone he walks around the house for absolutely no reason-it’s baffling to watch!

I do this all the time and if it makes you feel any better OP I am 100% concentrating on the conversation and doing the chore on autopilot. Maybe it's selfish as it essentially means the chore gets done without me even noticing I've done it so it's almost like the fairies have been None of my friends/family seem to mind, or at least they've never said so, maybe I should ask...

Bad mannered.
As is when someone's eating when they're on the phone.

My friend and I used to do this many years ago, before mobiles and we didn't have a cordless phone. Both of us had a wall phone with a 20 foot cord and would sort laundry, pair socks, stir food while we chatted. Never was a problem for either of us.
My house was so small I could almost go from one end to the other without putting the phone down.

Well Tiggers I can “hear” her but not without straining through the banging and crashing, so I’m not “lying”. I don’t want to have a headache when I come off the phone either.

I do this. I don't think it's that bad!

I always potter about while on the phone, so does everyone I ever speak to on the phone (in a social capacity, something like calling a utilities company or bank etc I don’t potter about and hope they’re not either ). Didn’t realise this was rude at all, surely no one just sits there and stares at the wall while talking on the phone?

Oh, my friend always used to phone me in the car for really intense conversations and couldn't hear her properly, the signal would cut off etc etc. So annoying so when she called I would just say that I can't hold a conversation with her in the car and to call me when she is settled at work or home!

If I didn't do housework while suitably distracted talking to friends on the phone I would literally never do it. Suspected ADHD, but it's no reflection on the friend, more my need to be moving and my complete inability to notice that stuff needs doing unless my brain is simultaneously doing something else!

I bloody hate this, though I hate people chewing on the phone even more. It’s bad manners, disrespectful and pointless: if you want my undivided attention, give me yours; if you don’t want my undivided attention, why are you bothering me at all? I’m late 50s, only one of my friends does this and I’ve kind of dropped her now. My DC do it to me all the time, so I suspect it’s a generational thing/ something people do while they still have good hearing!

I honestly don't see the problem overall. Obviously, if whatever she's doing is so loud that you can't hear her, then that IS a problem but then the answer is simply to say, "really sorry, can't hear you, can you either stop the background noise or talk later?"

I don't think I'd clean the kitchen while talking to a friend simply because I think I'd be distracted but I think it's perfectly reasonable to talk while doing something else. I often walk the dog while chatting to friends for example.

I have a friend who also does this. It drives me mad. I don't mind quiet jobs like putting away laundry etc but find it impossible to hear when she is loading and unloading the dishwasher.

My sister does this. She very rarely calls because she has a very busy life. When she does, it’s usually something fairly important but she puts on her headphones and does all her housework while she’s talking. I have quite severe hearing loss and hyperaccusis due to a medical condition so can only hear with my over ear noise cancelling headphones on, on full volume. This means the noise of the hoover, dogs barking, kids squabbling, plates clanking from her end is painfully loud and over powering. I start to get a muzzy type headache. I have explained to her many times that I can’t hear what’s she’s saying but she doesn’t seem to get it. I now just tell her I can’t hear and to call me back when she’s got time to talk. Sometimes I have put the phone down on her. I think if it causes you stress or strain to hear her OP then you need to make that clear to her. Tell her you are struggling to hear with all the background noise and could she call you when she is free from noisy tasks. Not everyone has clear hearing and some people just feel anxious around a lot of noise. You may need to toughen up a little and say sorry, I can’t hear with all the background noise and put the phone down. If she doesn’t respect that then maybe she’s not as good a friend as you think.

Walking the dog on the phone is totally different to doing the washing up on the phone surely you see that? You can easily give more attention to the phone call and it's not difficult for the person to hear on the phone if you're just walking the dog (providing you're not stopping to chat to every other dog like me)....but the clanging and banging is just rude.

Folding the sheets wouldn't bother me either as you can attend to the call easily.

Before my DM retired she’d ring me when she was actually eating her lunch! Used to make me so cross.
My boss video called me the other day for nothing in particular. I cut her off and told her to ring back when she’d finished her sandwich.
I absolutely hate it when people eat when I’m on the phone. My DM also is sometimes so distracted by whatever else is going on that it’s like talking to yourself. Drives me completely mad

Sometimes my DD starts talking to her boyfriend having called me. I just hang up

Here's a free script to pin above the phone. Just pick any line, say your words and put the phone down.

" can't talk now, this isn't a good time for me.. byee|"

 "   I have someone here. Call me  another day when you have time  to sit down for a quiet chat. "

 " Tinnitus is playing up  I can't hear word  so  I'm going to ring off now".

" Betty,  you don't listen to me and I can't hear you. so  there's no point calling."

@timkerbellx

I think this is completely normal. My best friend and I both work such long hours the only way we can make time to catch up is often when we're doing a few house jobs . Perhaps she's very busy too ??

Me too.

I haven't sat in the stairs doing nothing on a phone call since about 1989.

And even then I'd do my nails or something.

Betty, you don't listen to me and I can't hear you. so there's no point calling

^ A bit harsh but living luvin’ it 2baz

My boss video called me the other day for nothing in particular. I cut her off and told her to ring back when she’d finished her sandwich

Amin ^ assertive! !

Ilikeme I like you too! My son answers me on his phone riding his bike in rush hour and street life backdrop. I can’t hear a thing.

I don't think it is an age thing. I grew up with land lines only (and the phone box at the end of the road) but we have moved on. We are now able to move about when we are on the phone, and it's great.
I don't just sit and chat on the phone, except when someone phones me on the house phone / landline and I have no choice.

I think it is very normal, and sensible to multi task where you can.