My health scare has ruined my sex life (and my own life as well)

[yarncakes]

A few months ago, I had post coital bleeding for the first time and, as someone with severe health anxiety, this has completely thrown me off and the fear of having cancer has and still is playing on my mind. I am still suffering because of it, mentally I can't stop thinking about it. I went to the doctors, I had a smear test, had swabs done and everything looked absolutely fine and all come back normal, my cervix was inspected and it looked healthy, just had a tiny nabolitian cyst. The doctor said that it was very common but because all of my checks have come back clear, I needn't worry. Easy said than done. Tried to have sex the other night and I panicked and started crying. My husband said that if this carries on then I am going somewhere private to get a 2nd opinion but I need to trust what my doctor has told me. I just can't though. I am so, so scared of being intimate and absolutely terrified its going to happen again my husband and I had an amazing sex life and now it is non existent. I hate what this has fucking done to me. Has anyone had bleeding after sex and was fine? I can't shake off this fear.

I note that you've repeatedly evaded the question of whether you are on or have trialled medication. I am guessing that means you have not, and perhaps that you have anxiety about taking it.

Genuinely, how could taking medication possibly be worse than this is? You really really need to explore taking medication to manage your serious health condition, anxiety.

I think you have a lot of learned helplessness about this. Counselling isn't just something that other people do to you and it works or it doesn't. It's a process of teaching you about your triggers, your thought processes, your maladaptive behaviours and ways to manage it better and develop better coping strategies and ways of breaking the cycle. It's a way of teaching you skills that you then practice and use.

@Respectabitch

I note that you've repeatedly evaded the question of whether you are on or have trialled medication. I am guessing that means you have not, and perhaps that you have anxiety about taking it.

Genuinely, how could taking medication possibly be worse than this is? You really really need to explore taking medication to manage your serious health condition, anxiety.

I think you have a lot of learned helplessness about this. Counselling isn't just something that other people do to you and it works or it doesn't. It's a process of teaching you about your triggers, your thought processes, your maladaptive behaviours and ways to manage it better and develop better coping strategies and ways of breaking the cycle. It's a way of teaching you skills that you then practice and use.

This.

I am wondering if having untreated and uncontrolled health anxiety suits you? Does it allow you to distract and obsess and focus on something else rather than an emotional issue that is unresolved from your past or is right under your nose right now. Is that a more terrifying prospect? Or is the hyper state with your mind and body saturated with cortisol and adrenaline comforting in some way? A bit like an addict just a different compulsion to a different substance? This might be painful to even consider and denial is an easy default - but emotional sobriety is where you need to get to otherwise you will pollute your family life and harm your DC.

There is a way out of this. There is support. You need to be brave, want recovery and believe in yourself and the recovery process.

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't managed to reply to all of you but I want to let you know I have read every single one of your messages and want to thank you all. For the first time in months, I actually have felt quite calm. I'm not scared or anything like that and I haven't really thought about it until now. Not sure how long until I start getting anxious again. I did call for a gp appointment to talk about my anxiety and problems but I did not get a call back so they probably thought it was not that important

@Baileysoncereal that sounds awfully scary I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm glad that you know you're not alone in this and, to be honest, neither of us are. So many ladies have had this problem and that seems to have put me at ease

I just have to trust what the gp has said. I've been checked twice now. I have to just learn to accept that and move on. AND pluck up the courage to have sex again. I'm getting shaky just thinking about it I need to get a grip already.

Ah well done OP
I’m sorry you aren’t getting immediate help
You could maybe do (not scary google !) research 🧐 into effective ways of effectively treating health anxiety before you speak to them (which you eventually will ) as will maybe help .
And I know it’s takes a lot of resilience to speak to a GP bit persist
Please persist

Well done OP

If it helps at all I’ve had 2 drs tell me ‘it’s just something that happens to some women, it’s not a big deal’
And it definitely felt like a big deal to me and I hated how dismissive they were, but Their complete lack of interest (post them doing all their tests on me obviously) is also somewhat reassuring I suppose!

Hope you get the help with your anxiety soon and take things slow with DH, I’m sure he will be happy to help you get over this!!

Thank you both. That's a good idea I have been on the Anxiety UK website which did have some helpful tips. I am going to call doctors again tomorrow about what can I do and will ask about medication... I am terrified of taking meds as well but I think I'm just going to have to do it because living like this is torture. Haha, well my DH is out for the count tonight. I was gearing myself up for it!

Sorry I also forgot to say that my anxiety was triggered by losing my a few of my family members in a short space of time. I've always been anxious and depressed since a very young age and the deaths in my family have made it hundred times worse. Knock on wood, neither of my family has ever suffered from cancer.. Yet it is one of my major fear because surely someone will one day and I keep thinking it could end up being me. Sorry to be so morbid, I'm not helping myself or anyone else but just saying how I am feeling.

You should have gone on medications years ago, obviously you have not tried everything like u stated earlier. Its extremely selfish of you to not even attempt medications while your poor husband has been dealing with your "severe anxiety". It's not severe anxiety... You are a hypochondriac paired possibly with Obsessive compulsive tendencies and your husband is a typical enabler. CBT, exposure therapy and medications are the usual ways of treatment, although the first step is to bloody step away from Google! While u may not be able to control your thoughts about imaginery health problems, u are more than capable to control your reactions to it, like an alcoholic resisting alcohol, and a drug addict resisting drugs, u can resist going on Google to search your symptoms.

Sorry for being harsh, but I firmly believe in hard love lol

@Cloudfrost if you believe in it why do you say sorry? ...lol

Did you RTFT where the OP said she was seeking help?

Or were you too busy diagnosing and shaming her?

@Alternista

You CAN unlearn it.

How?? Because I've been this way for 25 years and nothing has helped. It's awful.

@yarncakes I'm not sure if you're still reading this thread but I've had severe health anxiety with OCD too (constant worrying, checking etc) and if you don't suffer with it you don't have a clue what it's like to live with it. I've had it for 25 years and the medication I take has taken the edge off it, it's honestly worth trying.

Hi I am still looking at this thread. All of you have helped me so much, and thank you Cloud frost for your kind words

@Hotpinkangel19 I am so sorry to hear that you also suffer from this dreadful mental illness. Its definitely impossible to unlearn it :( I've tried so hard to rationalise. May I ask what medication you take? Spoken to the gp but she said I need to have my BP, my Weight and she also said its worth checking my thyroid function first before being put on medication, however due to the big C, they're currently trying NOT to have patients come into the surgery unless it's really essential so clearly nobody there really gives a shit about my mental health. Just like when I went to get checked when I bled after sex and that's what makes me feel like they're fobbing me off. Just me being ridiculousy irrational again.

I would go back to your GP and explain how anxious you are.

If as it seems you have not been seen by a gynaecologist then I would be demanding that you are - sorry but a GP having "a bit of a look" isn't good enough.
And getting a full blood work done is also essential - my local GP is actually sending people to the local hospital for bloods at present. You may well need to be more forceful.

Well you still got the tests for the bleeding tho, didn't you? So don't be fobbed off and go get the required tests so you can have anxiety medication. Far more invasive tests didn't put you off when it was your cervix.

@Respectabitch

I note that you've repeatedly evaded the question of whether you are on or have trialled medication. I am guessing that means you have not, and perhaps that you have anxiety about taking it.

Genuinely, how could taking medication possibly be worse than this is? You really really need to explore taking medication to manage your serious health condition, anxiety.

I think you have a lot of learned helplessness about this. Counselling isn't just something that other people do to you and it works or it doesn't. It's a process of teaching you about your triggers, your thought processes, your maladaptive behaviours and ways to manage it better and develop better coping strategies and ways of breaking the cycle. It's a way of teaching you skills that you then practice and use.

Brilliant post.

@yarncakes I've tried a few over the years but have settled on Venlafaxine. It's the only one which has helped long term. CBT can be useful too, if you're open to talking therapies.