Are there any decent men out there?

[Choccaholic]

In my 20s I had a very turbulent at times relationship, now I've entered my 30s I miss the high points in that relationship and being so young and carefree.

My big question is at 31, every man in his 30s is single for a BIG reason! From reading posts on here every man seems like a narcissist, controlling abusive, manipulative liar!

As a single parent at 30 I feel like my standards are very very high (maybe even too high) BUT I am not willing to settle.

Can you actually meet a man in his 30s who is single through no fault of his own and is actually a decent human being?

Wouldn’t have thought so. I’ve been a single parent since my early thirties but the difference is I’m not looking for anyone. Every guy that has come my way (without looking) turned out to be married or engaged when I did a bit of digging. (Before anything happened). I am truly happy being single and I find joy in being a parent, my friends and wider family, work, hobbies. In all honesty, I have to time more desire to accommodate someone else in my life.

*no time nor desire

@E1ffelTower Yeah I totally can see where your coming from. I dont actually have the time.to actively seek a relationship as being a busy mum I have very little free time, and with that time I want to invest it in my self.. Next week I'm about to start a huge new project which leaves me even less time. I just want to know that one day I can also have that family life and intimate relationship with a special person.

“Every man is single in their 30’s for a BIG reason”

What’s that then? A lot of men and women don’t want to settle down and have kids in their 20’s. They want to have fun! You will find lots of single men in their 30’s. You just have to have the patience to sift out the bad ones to get to the good ones.

There are some decent men but very very very few.

I do applaud you for not settling. I know so many who have.

I wonder if decent men in their 30s would be prepared to "settle" for somebody that has kids already?

@Morgan12 When I first became single I was looking forward to going on the dating scene! I had one date which turned into just over a year long relationship- and he had so many issues which didnt surface till the one year mark.

The more I read the relationship forum on here the more I am put off men

@Nandakanda That does cross my mind, but I dont feel like because I have a little one that I should settle

I thought like this when I divorced in my mid 30s and became a single parent. If you truly don't want to 'settle' (there's a difference between settle and compromise) then you need to also understand that your child/ren will leave home one day and you could grow old alone. I'm 50 and still single (by choice of not settling) and question those choices now that the empty nest is imminent. It's no easier to find suitable men at this age.

They're hard to find. I've had less experience of abusive/manipulative ones (luckily so far) and more of lazy, half-arsed ones.

@MumOfPsuedoAdult so do you think it's more about mindset as opposed to there being decent men out there?

From my own experience of dating as a single mum, most guys in their 30s had already had kids and marriage, only a few had no " baggage". I ended up marrying a man in his 20s though who had no kids and had never been married before me. So yes, there are plenty of decent men out there, but you may have to accept that they might already have a family.

@MumOfPsuedoAdult

Out of interest, are there things you look back on and wish you'd compromised on? If so do you mind sharing some of those? I sometimes question what is settling and what is compromising. I see settling as choosing to overlook undesirable traits in someone for the goal of a partnership/marriage/children/whatever is the goal e.g. he's lazy and doesn't cook or clean so it's all left to me.

Whereas I see compromise as overlooking traits which you don't find undesirable but are possibly different to you but that you can bear them e.g. he is a fussy eater and you like to eat a range of different foods. Don't know if I've explained that clearly and I've picked really random examples.

OP, you won’t get an accurate picture of the world from these boards — people on happy relationships generally aren’t flocking to the relationships board to talk about how great their lives are.

I’m 30 and single — my husband cheated on me. No kids, but otherwise we’re in similar positions. I know lots of great single men. I just broke up with one to move abroad. This idea that there are ‘no good men’ is a myth, and it’s born to get you to freak out and accept any male behaviour, and not judge other women for making bad choices in their personal lives. Ignore it. You’ll be fine.

Following.

Many women settle. I've recently been witness to this. It's cringeworthy to watch fully grown, accomplished women settling for emotionally unavailable cocklodgers who are only after a mother figure and a warm bed.

I very nearly settled! Not dating again until the current state of things significantly improves.

@Choccaholic I think it's a combination

@Pinkyandthebrainz for me compromising is about not looking for perfection. I've been in a couple of situations in the last 15 years where I could have settled for decent people who didn't 'rock my boat', and I chose not to. Having had a bad marriage I was determined not to settle for anything but the fairy tale. I guess my point is that what constitutes the fairy tale changes as you get older. Now I'd probably 'settle' (compromise) for friendship and companionship over fireworks (and hope that the fireworks would grow). But I'm not actively looking anymore.

Don't forget that EVERY man on the planet has a huge porn addiction and is a sexist pig, according to MN at least

I would say yes but they are likely few and far between!
I'm early 30s with 2 dcs. I had a chance meeting with my now OH not long after the end of my (turbulent turned out to be abusive marriage). I was incredibly wary, and in all honestly looking back I put OH through hell because of what I was going through, and through what my ex h was trying to do to basically destroy me and him! But for 2 years he's patiently stood by me, supported me, only ever shown love and care, for me and my dc's even though it took a 18 months for him to even meet them. I inadvertently "tested" him on many occasions and was doubting his motives because of what I was used to in my marriage but he has only ever proved to be a gentleman.
He's a couple years younger at 29, no dc's, says he never ever expected to meet someone with children but has thrown himself into showing them a selfless love as much as he can in the stage of our relationship, as in he knows if I haven't had a chance to go and get certain groceries he knows I'll need for them and will go pick up a load of things he thinks I might need after he's had a long day at work and leave them outside my house for me without being asked, he encourages me spending time with my ex h and dc's because believes it's good for us to have a good relationship for them, even though exh has tried to cause so many issues with us, I could go on.

I feel very lucky to have met him after what was a really difficult tough relationship. My advice would be to just not push or rush anything, take your time, really really get to know someone and not settle for anything less than the best in your mind. If my relationship now didn't work out, I'd be happily single I believe... although easier said than done!

@LondonCrone I'm so sorry to hear about your husband cheating on you, you sound like your doing good though. You've restored my faith and your message has helped!

I havent thought about being single until recently, I think its because of the situation were in and with it being a couples time of year.

There’s loads of great guys out there, but meeting many will be down to luck / chance.

For a start I’d avoid any online dating as I believe these attract the wrong type of man. Weirdly since I stopped OLD I met so many more men in real life.

Until you do work on yourself you will keep attracting the same relationship patterns and type of person anyone, as they’ll mirror your wounds to you. So the best advice is to work on and understand why and what went wrong previously and why you attracted that, to make sure you get a different story next time around.

I think you should stop reading the relationship board... it’s like hanging out with divorce lawyers and expecting a balanced view of marriage. I met my DH in my30s and his reasons for being single were no less legitimate than mine.

Maybe the issue isn't with men, but with women and their sweeping generalisations!

@boymum9 what a lovely relationship you have and a true gent and a great role model for your two little ones. I'm glad you're really happy sounds like you had a very rough marriage.

I think I hold the old fashioned views in the back of my mind that because things didnt work out with my little ones dad (even though we have a great relationship now and we all spend lots of time together), that I'm not going to get the family lifestyle in the future.

I have been very career minded and loved spending time just me and my little ones until I've had 2 weeks off for Christmas, and its got me thinking all sorts. Now I know why I have 3 jobs and lots of projects on no thinking time!

I met my dh when he was almost 31. He had had a long relationship in his 20s which ended when he was 29.

Before me he briefly dated a single mum. He was and is a truly lovely man. So they do exist.

I'm sure there are decent men, in their 30s and even MUCH older...

What I am saying is this:

Do not settle. Better to be on your own than with someone who drains you and makes relationships seem like drudgery. That is all.