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Original poster

Would you continue dating ?

97 replies

FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 06:58

We've been dating roughly 5 months. Neither of us have met each others children from previous relationship (mine do not know anything about him, they are 6&10, his are older so know about me a little, in that he meets me for coffee/walk).

He was with his ex since teenagers, over 20 years, and they are in the final stages of the divorce. He is v v angry and bitter about things, about having to spilt his pension (he was in the army for a long time), about her alcoholism, about things that she did (from what I've been told) that caused a lot of upset to many people. The children live with him, although she stills sees 2 of them irregularly, irregularly because she still drinks and can be abusive.

Someone mentioning their ex a lot would usually be a red flag, someone mentioning their ex a lot in derogatory ways would be another red flag...but although he's dated a little before me, he's dated me longer, so I'm guessing he needs to discuss things to work through them? Our relationship is v easy going, perhaps he just feels he has the space to air things out. It's just sometimes, sometimes the talking about her is too much??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2021 07:04

I'd be telling him to get a therapist if he needs to work through his issues, because I'm not it. He doesn't sound ready to move forward, imo.

KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2021 07:06

I think it depends on how often he talks about her. When things arise naturally, it is understandable. If it is a regular topic of conversation I'd be more concerned. As pp said, counselling might be a good idea rather than carrying around all that bitterness and anger.

Christmasnamechange1234 · 01/01/2021 07:07

I wouldn’t Flowers

Monty27 · 01/01/2021 07:08

I hope you're registered as a therapist
In the very least capable of carrying his burdens for him
Send him home wherever that is

Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:10

I think he needs a therapist too, but I doubt he'd be willing to engage. Some of what he told me sounds incredibly traumatic.

But yes...I'm wondering whether he's ready to move on, sometimes I think he's moving on more as a 'fuck you', I'm not sure that makes sense? Hes affectionate, makes me laugh, talkative and we have a lot of chemistry...but can he really move on when he's so bitter anyway? I also think that maybe he's used to a relationship bringing stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:11

We talk about her I think everytime we're together.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 01/01/2021 07:13

It sounds like he really benefits from bring a supportive and sympathetic ear OP. But do you benefit from that?

willien · 01/01/2021 07:14

You don't need that. He's not ready emotionally as he's still processing all that anger and bitterness from his divorce. You should not have to be listening to that every time you see him. Have you told him how you feel about it?

Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:15

Sorry to drip feed...also, he said he doesn't want to get married again. This was only mentioned because we were discussing it v generally as in 'oh I'd like to get married one day' (as I haven't been married before, and its something I would like, I didn't say I want to marry him!). And he keeps saying, i mean hammering into me, that he Will not get married again. Then yesterday he said maybe one day (in General terms, not to me, we're not talking like that yet).

OP posts:
Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:17

Fgs pressed send too early. I'm only mentioning the marriage thing as I think he says it again to show that his marriage was damaging and angry and stressful and he's bitter, he's just bitter.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2021 07:40

The most you post, the more I think walk away.

He needs to deal with his bitterness and anger and that shouldn't be by offloading to you every time you meet up.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:47

Why? Why do I meet these middle aged men that carry their baggage more awkwardly than I do!! I have baggage, I'm not on my feet yet (I've career changed and gone back to uni, and I rent and I have children 🙃), but I am sure that no one else absorbs this but me!

Can someone really be over someone when they have sucj strong feelings about them, even though those feelings are negative? I feel completely indifferent towards my ex.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 01/01/2021 07:48

If I can give a bit of advice, that would be to not date anyone until their divorce is cut and dried and they have had time to process it and deal with the aftermath.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:49

@isthismylifenow I think that is v good advice...I shouldn't have got involved really.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 01/01/2021 07:52

I’d either move on or establish some very clear boundaries. He needs a therapist or a friend to work through his baggage with, not you.
But the marriage thing is another issue. Marriage when you already have children is something you need to consider carefully because of the impact it will have on your kids and your assets. So as well as the emotional desire to be married I think you need to think about the financial aspects.

PerveenMistry · 01/01/2021 07:52

@Aquamarine1029

I'd be telling him to get a therapist if he needs to work through his issues, because I'm not it. He doesn't sound ready to move forward, imo.

This, so much.

Itsallpointless · 01/01/2021 08:05

We sometimes try to fix them, so continue to be a crutch. The more you listen and offer advice/sympathise, the more they will offload. He sounds incredibly resentful (understandably) and that, along with the bitterness, will eat away at him AND your relationship, unless it's dealt with properly.

It's a bummer when you have the positive stuff (chemistry/affection/humour) as it's keeping an otherwise unhealthy relationship going.

Don't make his problems yours, he's a grown up, and he's showing you who he is, take heed OP.

Spanielmadness · 01/01/2021 08:12

I think bitterness is a v unattractive trait so I’d bin on that alone. An angry person is not a fun one.

samb80 · 01/01/2021 08:13

He's not ready and you will get the brunt of his anger and frustration- walk away.
I've been through this (alcoholic ex been together since teens etc) and after two years I would still not be able to go into a new relationship.

Spaceman1 · 01/01/2021 08:15

It sounds like he's been through a lot of trauma and his emotions are still raw. Until he is able to accept what has happened and process it, it may be hard for him to 'move on'. That may take time and he counselling might help too.

It sounds like he's not ready for a new emotional relationship unfortunately which is bad timing as you must have chemistry.

Bitterness and resentment are negative emotions and he has to find a way to deal with these before he can have a new, healthy and happy relationship.

Best of luck, whatever happens!

Original poster
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 08:29

I'm seeing him today...I'm going to have a talk...I'm going to ask him if he genuinely feels he's able to have a healthy relationship right now while Harbouring all these other negative feelings...that I don't want his past impacting on my future and go from there?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2021 08:50

Sounds like a good plan. He really should look into counselling. Sounds like he has been through a lot and needs help with that.

wantmorenow · 01/01/2021 09:12

Maybe NEW year's day isn't the day.

Just don't engage in his talk about her and breezily say that today's a day for looking forwards etc, leaving the past behind.

Personally I would do that for the next few meet ups and see if he's willing and able to acknowledge his preoccupation with negative talking about her.

If after a few goes, he persists, I'd suggest therapy. If nothing changes after a few weeks then tell him he needs to change or you are out.

If so much else is good then give him a chance to change the dynamic, it may be a habit that takes a little while. If he can't see the problem once you've drawn his attention to it, then there's not much else you can do but walk.

Itsallpointless · 01/01/2021 11:21

Just seen your update OP, I'm not sure he will give you a truthful answer unfortunately, if what you have going at the moment suits him, he'll probably continue without truly trying to address his issues.

Be wary, but good luckThanks

samb80 · 01/01/2021 11:45

Good for you OP, be strong. Don't give him the power to decide your future- you have the ability to do that for yourself.
Follow your instincts - he is in need of support which will not amount to a healthy relationship for you.

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