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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you continue dating ?

97 replies

FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 06:58

We've been dating roughly 5 months. Neither of us have met each others children from previous relationship (mine do not know anything about him, they are 6&10, his are older so know about me a little, in that he meets me for coffee/walk).

He was with his ex since teenagers, over 20 years, and they are in the final stages of the divorce. He is v v angry and bitter about things, about having to spilt his pension (he was in the army for a long time), about her alcoholism, about things that she did (from what I've been told) that caused a lot of upset to many people. The children live with him, although she stills sees 2 of them irregularly, irregularly because she still drinks and can be abusive.

Someone mentioning their ex a lot would usually be a red flag, someone mentioning their ex a lot in derogatory ways would be another red flag...but although he's dated a little before me, he's dated me longer, so I'm guessing he needs to discuss things to work through them? Our relationship is v easy going, perhaps he just feels he has the space to air things out. It's just sometimes, sometimes the talking about her is too much??

OP posts:

Annabellerina · 01/01/2021 11:47

Oh god, I did what he is doing to you in my first post-marriage relationship. Same situation, alcoholic abusive ex, so much trauma and emotion to process, I should have stayed away from men and seen a counsellor. Instead I dated a kind, compassionate man for 6 months and he essentially became my carer and counsellor, so of course it was never going to last or be a healthy relationship. I'm ashamed now that I did that, I'm so grateful to him that he listened and helped and gave advice and let me cry. He was so so kind. But it wasn't good for him and it wasn't fair.

popsydoodle4444 · 01/01/2021 12:04

Looking at this from another angle;his ex was abusive,a alcoholic,has hurt others apart from him,has effectively abandoned the children and has left him a single dad with no respite and no physical,emotional of financial support from the other parent.

He's been through an enormous amount of trauma,if this was a mum Mumsnet would be rallying the support for her here.I agree with others that he needs to talk things through with a counsellor but what I thing he needs is time,support and understanding.It sounds as though he's bitter not about breaking up but what she's put him and the kids through.And yes I can understand why he's upset she's getting half of his army pension;she's not the one financially supporting 2 children alone.

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/01/2021 12:12

It’s clearly making you uncomfortable as you raise it here, so no, I would call it a day.
I don’t think there is an objective answer to whether it is ok or not - some women perhaps wouldn’t mind it - but it sounds like he is not for you.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/01/2021 12:22

Hope your talk goes well. I agree with others - he needs to ‘talk it out’ with someone who can help him process it, not with someone he’s trying to build a new loving relationship with. My DP was still very angry at his ex (also an alcoholic, who never has her DCs to stay) when we met and I would hear them shouting at each other on the phone and see vitriolic texts about her being a money grabbing cheat and him being a mercenary bastard etc He seemed to think I should be reassured that he hated her, but as I told him then - the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. If he’s still feeling very strongly one way or the other about her, it will impact on you.

I’ll be honest, after 8 years I sometimes wish I didn’t bother, as I’m still insecure and pissed off about her often.

Re the marriage thing - I think men who have been burned like this take on the mentality that women are all out to take them to the cleaners and are wary of letting anyone else in. It’s not a recipe for a happy life with him.

You don’t need to take on responsibility for ‘fixing’ him by suggesting he has counselling etc - thats on him to sort out. I’d be taking a massive step back and making it clear that I don’t want to talk about his ex every time I see him (or ever. Mine refers to her as She Who Must Not Be Named as I got so fed up of hearing her name ) If he persists then walk away.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/01/2021 12:26

And yes I can understand why he's upset she's getting half of his army pension;she's not the one financially supporting 2 children alone.

Maybe so, but when you marry someone and have children, you agree to support them through thick and thin, in sickness and in health etc. Given that alcoholism is a sickness - albeit one that has a massive effect on those around you as well as yourself - and we don’t know what sort of life prospects his ex has from being an army wife and potentially following him around the country/world while he enjoyed his army career, it may be only right that he shares his pension with her as part of a fair divorce split. I know many men who feel very hard done by when they’ve had to pay their share of a divorce settlement. They weren’t moaning when they had years of free childcare to enable them to have a family and build a career.

SimplyRadishing · 01/01/2021 12:30

It's a hell no from me

Techway · 01/01/2021 12:50

They weren’t moaning when they had years of free childcare to enable them to have a family and build a career

100% to this. The bitter and anger he has towards her will mask his true personality. What if this is his default? What if he is easily angered and often resentful? At the moment you know he isn't "healed" so you are choosing to have a relationship with someone who will be emotionally unstable. That is a choice but you seem in a good place so why bring this negative energy into your life? Is he capable of showing any compassion towards her? He must have loved her at one stage?

However there is no guarantee he will ever heal...he may always be in this state of anger and resentment...whereas you are hoping it's not a permanent state.

ExH had resentment to his Ex, I assume it was "justified" however I later learned it was his default personality, once the honeymoon phase ended for us his unhealthy way of processing negative emotions surfaced.

Wouldn't you prefer to be with a man who accepts his ex is entitled to 50% pension, who accepts she is an alcoholic and therefore "unhealthy" ?

He should have acceptance, good boundaries and focus on caring for his dc. Which is what you manage to do!

PicsInRed · 01/01/2021 14:06

The woman who helps a man get back on his feet is invariably dumped as soon as he's doing better as she's a reminder of a worse version of himself than the one he wants to believe now.

Rescuers don't get thanks OP. They get resented, scapegoated, and dumped.

MrsVogon · 01/01/2021 14:15

Good luck OP. I think you are doing the right thing in asking if he is in the right place to be conducting a relationship. If he's constantly talking about his ex each time you meet, then it's really not healthy at all.

You are supposed to be having fun and positive times...not acting as a therapist to his bitterness. Always remember there are 2 sides to each story too. Why did his ex become an alcoholic etc... I'm sure it's not as cut and dried as he makes out.

bloodyhairy · 01/01/2021 14:18

You've been with him only 5 months. This is meant to be the fun, easy stage.

samb80 · 01/01/2021 14:26

@PicsInRed
Yup absolutely!
I ended up being a scapegoat about ten months after my marriage break down. Boy did I get played - but I was so understanding and nice and wanting to help and because he seemed everything my ex wasn't I was so willing. BIG MISTAKE! this man crushed my soul and I didn't see it coming.

When I was dating I use to sit and listen to men follow the say process of discussion when telling me about their ex's which made me never want to see them again. I knew it was all lies as my own ex husband told the same lies about me.

Original poster

FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 15:41

@PicsInRed I'm screenshoting this, thank you.

We had a v brief chat, it wasn't really a discussion though, we were walking and the timing just didn't seem right.

I asked him if he felt we would be able to have a healthy relationship given the bad feelings he has, he said he felt he could, and said that he hopes to feel indifferent soon. He said he's able to compartmentalise. We did talk about her a little but it was okay, just because I'd asked him the above. It is bothering me, otherwise as pp said, I wouldn't be posting, I just have a feeling that it'll be doomed, I have a feeling he won't let it be what it could be maybe.

I'm going to think things through for a few days. I've been single 3 years, so finding someone has been nice...although I'm in no hurry really, and I'm fine on my own, I'm glad I've been picky...so far.

OP posts:

Original poster

FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 15:47

Also, yes, his ex provided childcare and they did move around. She hasn't really worked, and currently lives in a council house. I accept that side of it, I said that to him, that he was able to work becuse she was looking after their children.

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 01/01/2021 16:34

he said he felt he could, and said that he hopes to feel indifferent soon. He said he's able to compartmentalise

So what active steps has he taken to heal? Surely counseling for him and his kids would be the bare minimum, how are they coping with an alcoholic mum, they must feel hurt, confused and abandoned.

Also any man that can "compartmentalise" is not necessarily a healthy choice for a partner, what is in all this for you OP? He has told you straight that marriage is a no go, he is using you as a counselor for now, so what happens when he is indifferent to his ex?

Original poster

FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:15

Sorry to post on this thread again.

I'd spoken to dating man and been assured that he is totally fine, really likes me, is v happy to have met, and we've had some lovely walking dates without issue. He also started to refer to me as his gf, AND has spoken to his children about me, apparently they are happy he's met someone who makes him happy.

I take full responsibility for playing a passive role in this, I like him and he has some lovely attributes. Maybe if the wider situation wasn't going on things would be different.

But this weekend he told me more 'stuff' about his ex (this is only his side of the story I know), really awful stuff and some things which are happening whilst younger child visits. And then he was telling me how annoyed he was with one of children, refered to her as a c**t, said if she was a boy he'd of punched her. He swears at his children. I do not share these values.

I know feel v v sorry for the children, genuinely worried about them, worried that dating man isn't as stable as he appears when he's with me, and feel so guilty because I know this isn't for me. But what do I say? I want to be kind about it, withoht ambiguity.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 10/01/2021 15:22

After five months surely all you need to say is 'this isn't working for me anymore.... best wishes for the future'.

Why on earth do you feel guilty? Don't fall into the trap of feeling you need to be kind (especially not to someone who swears, calls his own child a c* etc.) Just be firm, end it.

category12 · 10/01/2021 15:24

He swears at his children?

That would be an instant dealbreaker for me.

Also, you want marriage one day and he's been very clear that he does not. So I dunno why you've been sticking around, tbh. You don't want the same things.

If you're breaking it off, I would just say "Sorry, it's been nice getting to know you a bit, but we're not on the same page in life and not suited in the long run, so I'm calling it a day here. Best wishes for the future, goodbye."

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 10/01/2021 15:27

I don't think being bitter about your ex means you are in a good place to enter wholeheartedly into a new relationship. Listening to him must be very draining/boring/annoying...I wouldn't pursue this at all.

Original poster

FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:28

@category12...he started to say he might bend on the marriage thing, that he realised he was saying that because he felt angry at what had happened to him. God when I write it down I feel stupid 🙃

OP posts:

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 10/01/2021 15:29

Oh, I've just read your update - I would walk away instantly, and wouldn't even consider being "kind" to a man who calls his daughter a c**t. He sounds really, really abusive and nasty.

Original poster

FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:30

Yes, it sort of dawned on me that he he describes himself at home is probably who he really is, and with me its more of a honeymoon phase

OP posts:

category12 · 10/01/2021 15:32

And then he was telling me how annoyed he was with one of children, refered to her as a ct, said if she was a boy he'd of punched her. He swears at his children. I do not share these values.

Also, I just re-read this bit and yeah, total instant dealbreaker.

And I'd break it off pretty rudely actually instead of my other suggestion .

If he speaks like that about his children and expresses desire to be violent towards them, I'd have serious bloody doubts about his side of the story and his ex being the abusive one, tbh.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/01/2021 15:37

He called his own child a cunt and said if she was a boy he would punch her??

You would surely never let him near your children?? Imagine the risk he would pose to children not blood related to him!

I would end it and be really clear that you like him a lot but want to give him the space to process his divorce. And run run run.

Original poster

FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:37

I don't know if he called his child a cu*t, but he said he calls them a 'dickhead'.

He called her a cu*t to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:38

No, my children don't even know about him.

OP posts:

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