Would you continue dating ?

[FirTree31]

We've been dating roughly 5 months. Neither of us have met each others children from previous relationship (mine do not know anything about him, they are 6&10, his are older so know about me a little, in that he meets me for coffee/walk).

He was with his ex since teenagers, over 20 years, and they are in the final stages of the divorce. He is v v angry and bitter about things, about having to spilt his pension (he was in the army for a long time), about her alcoholism, about things that she did (from what I've been told) that caused a lot of upset to many people. The children live with him, although she stills sees 2 of them irregularly, irregularly because she still drinks and can be abusive.

Someone mentioning their ex a lot would usually be a red flag, someone mentioning their ex a lot in derogatory ways would be another red flag...but although he's dated a little before me, he's dated me longer, so I'm guessing he needs to discuss things to work through them? Our relationship is v easy going, perhaps he just feels he has the space to air things out. It's just sometimes, sometimes the talking about her is too much??

You can never let him meet your kids, he’s not a nice man! All this marriage talk bullshit. It’s grim. Get rid and find a nice man! They are out then you know!

I really do hope you finish with him. I haven't read anything positive, just a long list of negatives. You deserve far better.

I don’t see much of a future for you with this man. And even if you did end up with him longterm, would you want your life to be spent as a referee between him and his kids, interspersed with visits from his alcoholic ex wife?

Yikes.

I dated a lot after my divorce and they all banged on about their exes. So did the man I eventually married, at first, till I actually tried to dump him for it.

I think your bloke shouldn’t be dating. His life is way too confused right now and he really needs to focus on improving his time with his kids.

It’s lovely to have someone, but I’d honestly get out now before your feelings get any stronger and then it’s impossible.

He sounds like he has a problem with booze too.

I saw a thing recently that said, if you have low self-esteem caused by a traumatic childhood, you will not be attracted to nice, kind, dependable and reliable partners. You will be attracted to messed-up partners.

I’d guess you’ve spent the past 3 years carefully (but unconsciously) side-stepping the “nice” men who came your way, until you met this man whose drama sucked you in.

People with low self-esteem avoid the “nice” partners because they’re terrifying - they’d be safe, and secure. They might leave us when they find out that we are (in our opinion, at least) broken and unlovable. We’d be vulnerable with them, because we’d be allowed to bare our soul and reveal our true selves - and then, if they left us, we’d be totally destroyed. “Not nice” partners are safer, because they come with escape routes and distance and unavailability built-in, which lets us hide how unlovable we are.

So ditch this boozy, flaky, future-faking, ex-obsessed, over-childrened Army dude and get some counselling for your self-esteem. Fix that so you will be able to fall in love with a lovely “nice” man in the future and have a lovely life with him and your kids.

@MacbookHoHoHo - People with low self-esteem avoid the “nice” partners because they’re terrifying - they’d be safe, and secure. They might leave us when they find out that we are (in our opinion, at least) broken and unlovable. We’d be vulnerable with them, because we’d be allowed to bare our soul and reveal our true selves - and then, if they left us, we’d be totally destroyed. “Not nice” partners are safer, because they come with escape routes and distance and unavailability built-in, which lets us hide how unlovable we are.

Don't mean to derail the thread but that is so me. Where did this come from if you don't mind me asking? I really need to read up on it for myself.
Does it ring bells for you OP?

@NotAgainNoMore - it’s SO SPOT ON, isn’t it! It stopped me in my tracks when I heard it because it’s the story of my life.

I’m slightly embarrassed to reveal I heard it on TikTok. 🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s a (old, eminent) psychiatrist who does videos about relationships, ADHD, and self esteem. I’ll find his link.

Here’s the link to the video: vm.tiktok.com/ZMerNw3Ds/

@Notanotherfreak he will NEVER meet my children, they don't know he exists. I wouldn't want any bad language or stupid stories around them. I know that sort of makes my thread slightly pointless because I already know the relationship won't go further, but its more about letting it carry on, which is what I have done. I'm really sorry you had a bad time too. And you're absolutely right, there is 2 in a relationship. I can't imagine things were easy for his wife. A military wife following him around the world having 6 children. And I doubt he was supportive of her.

@NotAgainNoMore yes absolutely fine @MacbookHoHoHo post is brilliant and relevant, I'm glad you found it useful too.

@MacbookHoHoHo thank you so much. I've read a few posts recently about how MN isn't as supportive anymore and people are dragons. Thank you for dispelling that.

@MacbookHoHoHo - thank you - just watched it. He sounds like a really wise man. I tried googling him as would love to find out more but only found a 'blue grass' singer, lol.

@BMHM - I’m so glad you found it helpful! Did it ring any bells for you?

@Spanielmadness

I think bitterness is a v unattractive trait so I’d bin on that alone. An angry person is not a fun one.

That.

But it's a huge red flag when they are bitter about their ex.

You aren't a therapist. It's not your job to listen to him badmouth another woman. Its piss poor behaviour. Even if she is a cow.

For no reason, or so I thought, I've had Whitney Houston's 'Greatest Love of All' going round and round my head, just a few opening lines. I just looked it up and wow! I thought it was about finding god but its about loving yourself.
I think I've just taught myself a lesson, unconsciously, lol.

I think its quite apt for you OP. Apologies if not.

I’ve got that in my head now too, with a minor tweak:

I believe that children are our future, Teach them well and don’t call them a c**t.

Please can someone link that link...it's not working for me.

Sounds familiar though.

Has anything changed in a positive way for you op since January?

I believe that children are our future, Teach them well and don’t call them a ct. hahaha ! This would be a good start yes!

@wizzywig I think I felt listened to (him phoning social services) and valued more since then as he's been talking about the future.

Hes text me to say that this always happens when I try to talk to him about things...I think he's referring to my difficulty expressing myself over him canceling on me a lot. I think this is partly because I want to set boundaries and expectations (such as seeing me when you say you will) but feel I will push him.away for it.

He says in ' fairness' hes got a lot going on.

What frightens you about finishing the relationship?

For me, it was ALWAYS that I never believed I’d find anyone else. Always. Even though I have always loved being single. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He just phoned ...and I took a cowardly bow out. Reitered that I'm taking a step back, that I feel I deserve better and that flaky people aren't really my people 😬

That’s not cowardly - that’s ballsy!

Good on you @bmhm what's the worst thing that can happen now? You've set out your boundaries, what you can and can't deal with. Clarity in a relationship is not a bad thing

@MacbookHoHoHo you can't call me ballsy, then ill think I've been horrible and ill end up apologising !

@wizzywig exactly...ill have to make sure I do that from the start on next relationship

Ballsy is a GOOD thing! I'm delighted for you. You've done the right thing, no apology necessary.