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Original poster

Would you continue dating ?

97 replies

FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 06:58

We've been dating roughly 5 months. Neither of us have met each others children from previous relationship (mine do not know anything about him, they are 6&10, his are older so know about me a little, in that he meets me for coffee/walk).

He was with his ex since teenagers, over 20 years, and they are in the final stages of the divorce. He is v v angry and bitter about things, about having to spilt his pension (he was in the army for a long time), about her alcoholism, about things that she did (from what I've been told) that caused a lot of upset to many people. The children live with him, although she stills sees 2 of them irregularly, irregularly because she still drinks and can be abusive.

Someone mentioning their ex a lot would usually be a red flag, someone mentioning their ex a lot in derogatory ways would be another red flag...but although he's dated a little before me, he's dated me longer, so I'm guessing he needs to discuss things to work through them? Our relationship is v easy going, perhaps he just feels he has the space to air things out. It's just sometimes, sometimes the talking about her is too much??

OP posts:
category12 · 10/01/2021 15:39

Rough as a badger's arse.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:41

@category12, I think so yes

OP posts:
Original poster
FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 15:43

I think this all says a lot about my self esteem right now

OP posts:
Nutellacoconut · 10/01/2021 15:52

Don't let your low self esteem let this man near your kids. Whilst AWAY from a stressful situation he's calling his child a c-nt and that he would punch her if she was a boy - do you have a son? - what was he like when he was IN the stressful situation.

5 months isn't long enough to know someone and you have no proof anything he says about his ex is true. Watch out the bitterness etc isn't just his mask as an abusive/aggressive person.

💐💐💐

category12 · 10/01/2021 16:13

Well, on the bright side, you've been picking up on these things, and you haven't introduced him to your children, and you're at the point of dumping him (I hope!) so you're not doing so badly. Flowers

Nomoresleeps · 10/01/2021 16:18

Aggressive as well then.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 10/01/2021 17:11

I think I'll just call and say i feel there too much going on and give him space and don't want to be in a relationship under these circumstances

OP posts:
Techway · 10/01/2021 17:37

Wow, it didn't take long for him to show the real angry man, his default position is anger.

Yes you are right, you are not yet a target because you haven't upset him but that would come. His poor children.

Nomoresleeps · 10/01/2021 17:44

Be really firm that you don’t want a relationship. Don’t say anything where he can try to persuade you that things will get better. Say you have decided to end it and don’t want to stay in contact.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/01/2021 17:59

Wow at least he's given you an eye opener before meeting your kids

I could not be with someone who referred to their own daughter as a cunt...how would he refer to your kids?

Seriously get rid

KatherineJaneway · 11/01/2021 07:44

He gets worse with every update. As pp said just say 'this isn't working for me' and end it.

Raidblunner · 11/01/2021 07:51

Worth remembering there's always 3 sides to a story. His side her side and the truth.

Itsallpointless · 11/01/2021 12:28

The swearing at DC would be enough, add to that the aggression at a DC of either 6/10 years old??

He is actually waving a big red flag under your nose. Your own DC would more than probably be subjected to his vile tongue/behaviour. Think of THEM when you end it.

You do NOT need to be polite to him, you owe him absolutely NOTHING, and yourself/your DC EVERYTHING.

Eckhart · 11/01/2021 13:34

Red flags aren't things that people do, they're things that you feel in response to things people do. Only you can say if something is a red flag for you. It might be a red flag for some people, and not others.

If you're uncomfortable enough for it to be an issue, you should be able to raise that with him. The fact that a) you are uncomfortable and b) you post it on a forum instead of talking to him makes this feel like you're not clear on your boundaries, or how to assert them.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 11/01/2021 13:37

We talk about her I think everytime we're together

Ugh what a turn off. Get rid.

Eckhart · 11/01/2021 14:07

said if she was a boy he'd of punched her

Get out. You don't need to be kind. 'I decided to end this relationship when you said you'd have punched your daughter if she was a boy.' If he needs any further explanation, he's not worth the breath.

BMHM · 07/03/2021 07:58

Sorry to post on this thread again...and I'm absolutely bloody stupid for still being here and everyone told me how this would play out. But I'm going to write even if it's just to get it out.

So, didn't dump him. Had conversations about expectations about him talking about his ex, I said it was fine if he felt he needed to offload in a beneficial way, just not the constant moaning and bitching. He has more thank halfed how much he talks about her.

He said he loves his children (did I mention he has 6, 4 living with him, youngest 12). He won't talk about them like that again. He also phoned social services to flag and get advice on youngest visiting their mother. He's been taking better care of his house, got a new car, taking his dogs to the vet after I took mine to have her inoculations.

He has been talking more and more about his future with me, how much he likes me, loves being with me, joking around about asking to marry me.

Positive changes...

But, there's a discrepancy between what he says he's going to do and what he does. For example, he'll say he'll see me at the weekend (usually after we meet on a Friday after work), but on the day he'll suddenly be busy with family stuff. This weekend he came over, then had to go to repair boiler at home. He had made a fuss all week about can't wait to see me and stay over (this is a big deal to me), so said he'd see me on Saturday and stay over. Yesterday came, again busy with family (I understand this and know they come first), but instead of coming to me in the evening, he phoned me after a few beers from his bath. I tried to tell him that it upsets me that he does this often, and I wanted to take a step back as I feel like I'm being strung along because his words and actions don't always tally.

I'm angry at myself for getting sucked into yet another guy making false promises. And this is why ladies and gentlemen, I am better off alone (for now).

BMHM · 07/03/2021 08:09

I think ending it now is screaming in my face and possible revisit my self esteem as perhaps it isn't as strong as I thought

Trying2021 · 07/03/2021 08:23

@BMHM I think you know what to do. Flowers

sunnysunshine40 · 07/03/2021 08:30

Ah bless you OP, it sounds as though walking away is the best thing to do for you and your self esteem. FlowersFlowers

BMHM · 07/03/2021 08:32

I know.

I wonder if he's saying all these lovely things to me to try and ignite feelings in me, not because they are reciprocal, but because he's got low self esteem and needs someone to adore him

BMHM · 07/03/2021 08:34

I asked him to meet halfway between our homes today for an hour to clear the air, but of course he's got stuff to do. Why say these things, tell his Work colleagues and children about me, but hold back on the actual relationship? How can he flippantly tell his children about me

HikingInTheHills · 07/03/2021 09:20

@FirTree31

We talk about her I think everytime we're together.
God no. Why do you want a relationship with someone who constantly talks about his ex? Maybe he’s over her in that he doesn’t want to be with her. But he’s not ready to move on with you, he’s stuck in his past. A new relationship should be fun, not listening to someone bitch endlessly about his ex, why would you want to be part of that?
BehindMyEyes · 07/03/2021 09:24

6 children ? OMG just move on .

Notanotherfreak · 07/03/2021 09:29

Having been in a relationship with a man who had a dreadful relationship with the mother of his children I would not touch one with a barge pole ever again. OP, this man sounds truly awful. Every man I’ve dated who slags off his ex says she had a drink problem & she was to blame for everything - NO! It takes two in relationships. You know nothing about her side of things. You are scraping the barrel with this man. Calling his children names? Calling his ex a c@nt? Saying he’d like to punch her? Calling from the bath after a few beers to let you down? Where is your self esteem? Surely you know you are worth more than this.