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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Urgent advice please

81 replies

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 10:58

I am utterly heartbroken and need some advice from step parents please.

My partner (same sex relationship been together 3.5 years and engaged, love of my life) has broken things off because I apparently do not get her involved enough in discussing my daughter’s routine with her father. I have battled with my daughter’s father for 3 years to try and change the routine for what my partner wants (which is every other weekend). Whenever I make a decision with him without consulting my partner first, she has flown off the handle which has caused me to avoid the situation.

How much involvement do you have as step parents?

Thanks xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:02

To give you an idea, my partner didn’t want my ex to see the dog that we shared, so I stopped that.

I took my partner to parents evenings instead of my ex

I stopped my ex’s weekly phone calls to my daughter because my partner felt that was too intrusive.

My ex and myself have always had a routine of every Tuesday night and every Friday night: my partner wanted every other weekend so we could be more “settled” as a family: I have fought this in mediation etc. This cane to a head laet week when I agreed with my ex that he could have our daughter a few hours longer one day.

My partner (who is pregnant with our child through ivf by the way) has mental health issues and we are sure she has bpd.

OP posts:

FatCatThinCat · 30/12/2020 11:04

Why have you changed your child's routine to suit your partner? Surely it should be what suits your child.

Superstardjs · 30/12/2020 11:05

Think you dodged a bullet there. I'd be saving money to get watertight legal access to the new baby as she is clearly incredibly controlling.

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 30/12/2020 11:06

I don’t have any experience in this area @Stephejkb but my gut instinct is that your daughters routine is primarily yours and your exes problem to solve and you can take your partners options into account but as the child isn’t hers she doesn’t get the final say.

I had a friend with poorly controlled BPD (emphasis on the had} and she was a very difficult character who would become unreasonable quickly and wouldn’t back down from her episodes, however unreasonable. I take my hat off to you living with someone with the condition, particularly if it’s well controlled.

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 30/12/2020 11:06

Sorry, *not well controlled

Original poster

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:08

Exactly. The routine hasn’t changed to every other weekend. I have always done what is right for my daughter and tried to keep everyone happy. My daughter has a great relationship with her father and myself. She also has a great relationship with my partner - they are so close and she does a lot for her , but this underlying issue with her routine has overtaken our relationship. And according to my partner, it is because I do not get her involved enough. I am wondering what is a fair level of involvement for step parents when it comes to routines?

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 30/12/2020 11:08

You sort it out with your ex. Your partner accommodates. That's how it is with my partner's son, and how it should be - obviously within reason, but I assume you're just talking average situations here.

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:08

I'm a little unclear too. Your ex is fighting for more time with your daughter? And you're limiting your daughter's relationship with her father in order to give in to your partner's controlling demands? Why is that?

FatCatThinCat · 30/12/2020 11:08

Crossed with your update. Your partner is out of order and needs to back off. Your partner went to parents evening instead of the actual parent? Not right at all. Stopping your child's parent from calling because your partner doesn't like it, also not acceptable.

It sounds like your partner is trying to edge your child's other parents out of your child's life. You are wrong for facilitating this.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 11:10

Fucking hell
What made you think it was a good idea to have a baby with someone with BPD/untreated MH issues? She's being completely controlling and outrageous in the way she's interfering with your child's relationship with their other parent and I fear you'll be dancing to her tune with the new baby, if she doesn't exclude you altogether
Talk about bad decision making, you can't even blame an accident, this was very deliberate!

madcatladyforever · 30/12/2020 11:10

I'm sorry OP but this is not normal behaviour and your partner is damaging your child by behaving like this. Your child has a right to a relationship with her father.
I think you need to make it crystal clear to her that you will not be controlled like this and your daughters relationship with her father is none of your partners business.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/12/2020 11:13

Your partner is well out of order and if it wasn't for the pregnancy I would have said you'd dodged a bullet to be honest. A weekly phone call is not disruptive to a family's routine - my DH called his daughter every single night as a child. That is how an involved non-resident parent should communicate.

This is incredibly controlling behaviour. The BPD may be a reason for it, but it's still controlling. Let her go. Get a solicitor. Be prepared to fight for access to your unborn child.

wingingit987 · 30/12/2020 11:13

You stopped your kid speaking to her dad on the phone because your partner did not like it. That's fucked up.

She sounds incredibly controlling.

Original poster

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:15

Just to clarify, she has always encourages her to have a good relationship with her father. She just feels like no one is listening to her when it comes to my daughter routine.

My ex is not fighting for more time with his daughter - he has always had her twice a week.

I have tried and tried and tried with the help of her family to get her help with her mental health issues. She knows she has issues yet she still blames the breakdown of this relationship on me not listening to her needs for the routine and me making decisions without her

OP posts:

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:15

You could irreparably damage the relationship between your daughter and her father. It's your job as her mother to act in the best interests of your daughter. I don't see how edging her father out of her life is doing that.

Your partner needs medical help by the sounds of it. If you love her, work on getting her that. But right now you're allowing her untreated medical condition to become your daughter's problem.

greenspacesoverthere · 30/12/2020 11:16

But right now you're allowing her untreated medical condition to become your daughter's problem.

This

Original poster

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:16

I didn’t but I made sure it was at a time when my partner wasn’t home: he calls every Monday and I ensured I planned it at a time when my partner wasn’t here, I have been trying to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:18

@Stephejkb

Just to clarify, she has always encourages her to have a good relationship with her father. She just feels like no one is listening to her when it comes to my daughter routine.

My ex is not fighting for more time with his daughter - he has always had her twice a week.

So if she won't accept help are you comfortable with allowing her insecurities to potentially ruin your daughter's relationship with her other parent?

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2020 11:19

She's a control freak and probably jealous of your ex too! Yes of course consider her views but she has no real say on what you and your ex decide.
I'm sure your baby that she is carrying is very much wanted but it's bloody sad that a baby will be brought into this mess and no doubt she'll want to control everything there too. Sad.

AlternativePerspective · 30/12/2020 11:20

I would walk away, from both of them.

As the child is essentially not yours I would walk away without a backward glance, and I wouldn’t usually advise that.

CallmeIT · 30/12/2020 11:21

I agree with everyone else. This is a controlling relationship that you are fearful in and would be better off out of. Your partners needs should not come above your daughters.

totallyoutnumbered · 30/12/2020 11:22

Good grief OP. This post boils my piss and hurts my heart for your child. Your partner is controlling, manipulative and quite frankly that is abusive. I dread to think how she'll use the new baby as a weapon. I hope you can see that you've dodged a bullet here but if she's using the typical narcissistic tactics on you then it's not going to be easy to see that. I hope others come along with helpful advice. I didn't want to read and run but this instantly got my back up xx

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:23

I mean this kindly because you're obviously under huge pressure but stopping someone from seeing the dog? Secret phone calls to Dad so she doesn't feel threatened? YOU have the power to stop enabling it. She has bullied her way into this status quo. Now she is bullying you again by effectively saying "because you won't give me total control of someone that is not my child, I'm going to break up with you."

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 30/12/2020 11:23

You've had a lucky escape she sounds childish and entitled
It's not her child

Move on x

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 30/12/2020 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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