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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent advice please

81 replies

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 10:58

I am utterly heartbroken and need some advice from step parents please.

My partner (same sex relationship been together 3.5 years and engaged, love of my life) has broken things off because I apparently do not get her involved enough in discussing my daughter’s routine with her father. I have battled with my daughter’s father for 3 years to try and change the routine for what my partner wants (which is every other weekend). Whenever I make a decision with him without consulting my partner first, she has flown off the handle which has caused me to avoid the situation.

How much involvement do you have as step parents?

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Sssloou · 30/12/2020 12:13

I am not surprised to see that there was a last straw.......because with these controlling and abusive types there is never satisfaction - they have to then dominate something else - because the issues are within her - emotional chaos that she doesn’t acknowledge or seek support in dealing with - just throws it out externally to try to control the external world. She is volatile and unstable - she is doing your DD immense harm. She doesn’t have a “close relationship” with your DD - she has intense, emotionally intrusive and unhealthy toxic and dysfunctional relationship. Your partners MH issues will wreck your DD emotional development and leave her with anxieties and her own chronic mental health issues from her teenage years.

I am not surprised you fell “madly” in love.

Get yourself and your daughter out of this abusive RS - block and have zero to do with this character or her family.

All of the time, energy and stress that has you preoccupied running around trying to satisfy this insatiable character has cost your DD to date.

alvinp · 30/12/2020 12:14

What @CodenameVillanelle said

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 12:18

Her mother has been a great support to me. My partner is now staying with her mother unril I find a place

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 12:18

I just cannot stop the immense pain and I can’t bleoeve that we could have it all all and she has let our daughters routine ruin this xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 12:18

I have literally done everything for her xx

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 12:22

I agree with @CodenameVillanelle. You're still in the headspace of thinking that she's being rational and can see the error of her ways. She's too ill for that and you can only help someone who wants to be helped.

You need significant distance now. If of her own volition she decides to seek treatment then maybe some way down the road you have a future together but definitely not until then.

Flyg · 30/12/2020 12:22

@Stephejkb

I have literally done everything for her xx
I fear the truth is that you could literally never do enough for her.
JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 12:23

What do you mean by "our daughter"? The only people who can say that are you and your ex. She was never your daughter's parent.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 12:24

@Stephejkb

I just cannot stop the immense pain and I can’t bleoeve that we could have it all all and she has let our daughters routine ruin this xx
It's not the routine that has ruined the relationship it's your ex's need to control. If it wasn't this it would be something else. It's who she is, at least while her MH issues aren't being addressed and she has so little insight.
Sssloou · 30/12/2020 12:25

Her mother has been a great support to me.

I bet she has - because she knows what her DD is like and was relieved that you took her off her hands.

Don’t trust her mother. She will now be engineering and manipulating to get you two back together and off her hands. Your partner once this drama has run its course will be back to hoover you in for another spin on her crazy abusive merry go round.

Don’t get drawn back in. Have zero contact directly or through anyone else. You are being emotionally manipulated and abused here - your DD will get hurt. Spend some time and get professional support if you can on your recovery from this unfortunate encounter. Keep emotionally protected and safe. You are not dealing with normal here.

SometimesIWonderWhy · 30/12/2020 12:34

She sounds massively controlling and I agree possibly has a personality disorder.
I think step away and leave her to it, she will destroy you otherwise.

Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 12:37

@Stephejkb

I just cannot stop the immense pain and I can’t bleoeve that we could have it all all and she has let our daughters routine ruin this xx
You didn't have it all though. You had a relationship where if you didn't do as you were told you would be punished with conflict and threats. There is no such thing as "having it all" and harking after a mere concept will cause you more pain in the long term.

Also framing your split around your daughters routine is unhelpful. It is nothing to do with your daughter or her routine and everything to do with your partners need for control and power. Please don't ever verbalise this thought in front of your daughter. It would be easy for her to blame herself if you do.

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 13:06

Her mother doesn’t want us to stay together - she wants me to leave and thinks i will have s better life without her xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 13:06

My daughter doesn’t know yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 13:06

And I would never ever tell her anything that would upset her

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 30/12/2020 13:08

So, the father has his daughter Tuesday and Friday evenings. Is that every week? is that overnight? how flexible is he? He doesn't sound flexible, or willing to work with you. as you have stated you have struggled to get agreement with him also.

Is your partner asking for every other weekend because otherwise your daughter is with you every weekend? This is my understanding from what you have written.

I have two step children. One 22 and one DSS aged 13. The 13 yr old stays every weekend and comes over whenever he likes during holidays and in the week. In the main I have no issue, I wouldn't mind if he was here full time, he's great. However I have asked DH if it is possible to do every other long weekend or a shorter weekend but only so we can get on and decorate the house! This is because DH spends all of his time fussing over DSS, whilst I am more laid back and with my two DS and DSS I am happy doing my thing until they need me for something. DH fusses constantly and waits on DSS who he babies and coddles. Its driven by the fear that if DSS isn't given all of his attention that DSS will reject spending time with DH. Its a bit odd to watch, but I accept that I am confident, my DS are both very confident, competent and self sufficient so we are more relaxed around each other. Yeah, I'd like a weekend off. I haven't had one of those in 19 years because my Ex has never had the children for longer than the occasional afternoon. So, I have never felt the need to do competitive parenting! DH accepted this and is happy. He never moans about having time off from them. Once the house is finished we will have more time to spend with all the boys and DSS can be here whenever he likes.

So my final question is this......is it that your partner would like some time off just to spend with you? is it that she feels that the ex should take some of the responsibility at weekends? If that is the case I would suggest that she isn't too different to most step parents. The only bit that puzzles me with people is this, if you like children, and have children what hardship is to have your step children around. And this is the bit I think that might explain her behaviour. You are having a baby. And she wants to have you and the baby to herself some of the time. That's because your daughter is not her daughter, and however much she plays cuckoo unsuccessfully she is constantly reminded of this. It seems that she either wants your ex pushed out entirely or she wants you daughter pushed off on to him at least some of the time.

Its up to you what you do. But she won't make a good enough parent to the baby so expect to have all kinds of issues.

Namechange2020lalala · 30/12/2020 13:11

Myself and ex are very flexible re childcare arrangements. Your newer partner sounds like it's all about her needs and control, she's not centering your child. I doubt she's really capable sadly, due to her BPD.

Sssloou · 30/12/2020 13:20

@Stephejkb

Her mother doesn’t want us to stay together - she wants me to leave and thinks i will have s better life without her xx
I am relieved for you in this respect. That shows the gravity of the situation if her own mother knows the score and depths this will go to. Have some compassion for yourself - you have been engulfed, enmeshed and overwhelmed with this RS. Pulling yourself out of it will be painful but needs to be done for all of your sakes. How old is your DD? Can you break it to her gently? Say she has gone to visit parents for a couple of weeks and then tell her that you are having a break - a fade out? How pregnant is your x? How emotionally invested, aware etc is your DD in the pregnancy? Can you refocus her on her newborn half sibling?
Yamayo · 30/12/2020 13:53

I still can't get over the fact she railroaded you in taking her to parents' evening instead of your ex. The actual parent.

FamBae · 30/12/2020 13:55

I don't think this is about your daughters routine, If she does have BPD nothing you do will satisfy her and she will move on to being upset about something else; I know from experience. I think the onus is on her to see a doctor not you to tip toe around her and if diagnosed she will be given medication, whether she chooses to take it is another matter. The best way to help her is to encourage her to help herself and if she refuses I'm afraid I would have to agree with her mother.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/12/2020 14:00

I have always done what is right for my daughter and tried to keep everyone happy

But you haven't done what is right for your daughter. You have allowed your partner to dictate your daughters. relationship with her father. I can't believe you took your partner to parents evening rather than attend with your ex.

Your partner sounds incredibly controlling.

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2020 14:06

I hope I don't sound insensitive and that you mind me asking but what is the situation with the unborn baby that your partner is carrying?
Was the baby conceived using your egg? What I'm trying to say is, is this baby genetically part of you? Will she have another hold over you?

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 18:24

The baby isn’t genetically mine but I signed the legal documents in the ivf process. We have used my partners egg

OP posts:
SmeleanorSmellstrop · 30/12/2020 19:13

Your partner made you deny your child a weekly phone call with her parent and huge red flags aren't waving for you??

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 30/12/2020 19:14

And the parents evening 😳 sorry OP but I dont think it is good for your child to have this person in their life