Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent advice please

81 replies

Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 10:58

I am utterly heartbroken and need some advice from step parents please.

My partner (same sex relationship been together 3.5 years and engaged, love of my life) has broken things off because I apparently do not get her involved enough in discussing my daughter’s routine with her father. I have battled with my daughter’s father for 3 years to try and change the routine for what my partner wants (which is every other weekend). Whenever I make a decision with him without consulting my partner first, she has flown off the handle which has caused me to avoid the situation.

How much involvement do you have as step parents?

Thanks xx

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:26

That didn't come across as very kind but what I'm trying to say is that you are crumbling under the pressure of an abusive bullying partner and now you need to get out if that situation. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. It might just be the rock bottom your partner needs to get the mental health treatment she so obviously needs.

missrks · 30/12/2020 11:28

She sounds like a bully. She's using manipulative tactics to get her own way. As horrible as it sounds you've probably had a very lucky escape. Can you imagine having to walk around on egg shells for the rest of your life with this woman? That's no way to live. xxx

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:28

@EreLongDoneDoDoesDid Wrong thread I think Wink

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:32

Thank you:

OP posts:
EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 30/12/2020 11:33

Sorry- have reported my own post!

FatCatThinCat · 30/12/2020 11:33

She says she feels like she's not being listened too but what she actually means is she's not being obeyed.

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:34

It is nice to be able to have outside views on this as she has drummed into me so much that this is my fault that I am second guessing myself

We have broken up. She is staying with her parents until I find a place of my own which isn’t going to be easy as I am self employed and on low income with bad credit.

My daughter is my universe and I am starting to see this for what it really is xx

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 30/12/2020 11:39

Never go back to her, she's done you a favour. Though unfortunately, I think she's maybe just throwing her toys out and will come crawling back at some point, this is when you should stay strong and keep her distant.
What were you both thinking when you decided that it was appropriate for a person with unaddressed MH issues, to have IVF? Hormones can mess up totally previously balanced people, this was a crazy idea - hers by any chance? It sounds like you are too eager to go along with anything she wants, that is no way to be in a relationship, the answer is not to spend a life hiding stuff instead, you need to be true to yourself and if you can't reach reasonable compromises with each other in things, it means you are not right for each other and let it go.

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:41

She said it was all over and they we should honour separate ways etc etc.

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:42

You're going to be ok @Stephejkb. As the days slip by (and they will because being a mother means you have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going) you'll start to see that you were a victim of bullying here. She may decide to opt for treatment or she may try to surround herself with people she can emotionally beat down. Who knows what the future holds. But you've proved yourself to be a great mother by refusing to be a part of it and prioritising your daughter.

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:43

We fell ibstantly in love like no one before, my daughter adores her. My ex isn’t too much hard work in the grand scheme of things just a pain in the arse on times which they all are. But all in all we do parent well.
She could have it it all xx

OP posts:
HibernatingTill2030 · 30/12/2020 11:44

Just to clarify, she has always encourages her to have a good relationship with her father. She just feels like no one is listening to her when it comes to my daughter routine

Nobody should be listening to her- it's not for her to decide. You and the child's father - with the help of the courts if needed- decide on contact etc.

Be prepared for her to fight you re: access to the unborn child, too, if you are still apart when the baby is born.

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:44

What kind of involvement do other step parents have? I am going to show her these messages. I neee to finish this relationship with her knowing she has the problem and not my situation xx

OP posts:
cansu · 30/12/2020 11:45

Your daughter deserves to have regular uninterrupted time with her father. You should not be blocking access to weekends. Your partner needs to accept that she is a step parent and not your daughter's parent. She sounds very controlling.

HereForTheFeminismChat · 30/12/2020 11:46

Stay strong, OP.

By "trying to keep everyone happy" you were (albeit with the kindest of intentions) avoiding rather than addressing your partner's MH problems. Any support of your partner cannot be at the expense of your daughter, or your daughter's relationship with her father.

As others have said, breaking up with you is a power move to try to reassert authority and control. Good for you for putting an end to that game.

It sounds like reestablishing your life will be tough work, but it is absolutely the right thing to do - in the middle of the night when you are having doubts please remember that you are strong and resourceful and love your daughter and that it will be ok.

Original poster
Stephejkb · 30/12/2020 11:50

When my daughter’s father has asked for last minute changes and I have agreed (he has a newborn so there have been a few last minute requests recently) she has gone through the roof. The final last minute request which I agreed on (which was only 3 hours longer with her father) was the straw that broke the camels back xx

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 30/12/2020 11:57

You can't compare your situation to others. Each blended family, step family or same sex family have different set ups with different levels of non residential parent involvement. So other step parents and their involvement in decision making doesn't matter. What does matter is what works for your child. We know that conflict in parental relationships is incredibly hard on children so reducing that conflict is your number 1 priority.

It feels as though your partner wants to have equal rights in decision making when it comes to your child. It is up to you and your ex if this is appropriate or not and it sounds like you don't think it is. Being a step parent isn't for everyone, especially those who feel the need to have complete control over their lives.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 30/12/2020 11:57

She says she feels like she's not being listened too but what she actually means is she's not being obeyed.

Bingo!

She's not your daughters parent. She's being super controlling and totally out of order. You and your ex decide what is best for YOUR child and she can be consulted of course but does not get the final say.

JustHavinABreak · 30/12/2020 11:58

@Stephejkb

When my daughter’s father has asked for last minute changes and I have agreed (he has a newborn so there have been a few last minute requests recently) she has gone through the roof. The final last minute request which I agreed on (which was only 3 hours longer with her father) was the straw that broke the camels back xx
You were perfectly reasonable here. It's all about flexibility. There's no need for rigidity for it's own sake. If the extra time was ok with you and your daughter then she had no place interfering. You knew that having a newborn can throw timetables and schedules out the window so you gave the guy a break. That's normal!
partyatthepalace · 30/12/2020 11:58

You partner is controlling and abusive.

Let her go. Focus on you and your daughter and on having a positive working relationship w your ex.

I’d also have some counselling to work out why you decided to have a baby with someone who is clearly unwell and abusive, so you can move forward more positively.

In terms of the new baby, I don’t know what the legal position is, but if possible I think it might be best that it stay with your soon to be ex partner, so you can focus on life with your daughter as joint custody with such a person will be a long term challenge.

Thehop · 30/12/2020 12:00

I think your partner is being very unreasonable and controlling.

FatCatThinCat · 30/12/2020 12:06

My ex has never had any involvement with my DD. My DH has been the only father she has ever known. My DH has always been very involved in her life. But even so he knows that as a step parent there are lines you don't cross.

For example he would ask her how school went, help her with her homework, discuss problems with me and suggest solutions, but he never attended parents evening or expected to make the final decision.

Flyg · 30/12/2020 12:10

My ExP has the children from after school on Tuesday, until Thursday evening (as i work Tues-Weds-Thurs). He also has them from saturday night after tea until Sunday night after tea, so its roughly 50/50. But he also works away most of the year (in 2020 he has been away for 7 and a half months for example) so at those times I have them 100% of the time of course.

I would never let a partner dictate how these arrangements should be, and i would be deeply angererd if he ever met someone who tried to interfere. You partner sounds controlling as others have said, I think the split is the best thing for you, now work on where you stand with the baby and be prepared for what you might have to do to be in their life.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 12:11

Don't show her the thread!
You're still thinking you can find a way to teach her to be reasonable. She doesn't want to be, she wants to be the boss.

alvinp · 30/12/2020 12:12

Oh dear. Untreated BPD is terrible for partners. It is treatable but many sufferers refuse to get treatment, or do not continue with it. There are many narcissistic and controlling traits to that one.

I won't go on about it but there is lots of advice out there. And support groups for partners of BPD sufferers. There are also groups focused on helping people to get away from the BPD sufferer. It really is that bad.

Swipe left for the next trending thread