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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I taking things too far? Divorce in mind

98 replies

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:26

I’m seeking some light. And thank you for reading.
I married 4 y ago, 2nd marriage, have two kids from previous marriage (19-16). Kids living with me full time.
DH dislikes the big one with passion, there’s been 3 times where lack of respect has been present and no apology was given. He says my big child should look for a place to live. And in the middle of arguments, several times, he’s been rubbing on my face everything he’s given me or any of his family has given me (us) I’m struggling to see a future with him and have started to look for a place to go with the children. Even though he has been great with everything the last two weeks, I’ve been struggling to picture my future with someone that sees my children in that light and has behaved and said the things he’s said. Besides the children heard him talking poorly about them- more than once - Am I taking things too far by moving out?

OP posts:
africanantelope · 30/12/2020 06:29

No I don't think you are. Your children should come first in my opinion and I could never be with a man who didn't love and respect mine.

Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:35

This is exactly what I’m finding impossible. I feel I’m failing my children by staying.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 30/12/2020 06:41

No, children come first. Where is your 19 year old supposed to just clear off to?

What happened two weeks ago?

SortingItOut · 30/12/2020 06:45

I dont understand why you married a man who dislikes your children?

Does he have any of his own?

I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to love my children like I do but he has to like my children at the very least and certainly not tell me they need to leave home.

My kids and I are a package.

I agree with leaving and finding sonewhere without him. He sounds awful.

ivfbeenbusy · 30/12/2020 06:46

At 19 your child is not a "child" in the sense of not necessarily being aware/taking responsibility for his behaviour

I suppose the question is - and it's not overly clear from your post- has his behaviour been poor? Did you pull him up on it? Is all the blame for the breakdown of this marriage sat squarely at the feet of your husband?

madcatladyforever · 30/12/2020 06:50

Ideave too. My stepfather loathed me irrationally and I was made to leave at 16. My mother didn't try to do anything to help me. Now there is a permanent rift and I'll never forgive her for abandoning me like that. Your children should come first.

Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:51

He never expressed dislike before the children were with us full time. His words were always of support. Once I had the kids full time things changed and I started feeling detached from him and the relationship. He doesn’t understand that everything he’s said about the children hurts me greatly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:53

Thank you, that’s very exactly how I don’t want the children to feel.

OP posts:
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 30/12/2020 06:58

Your kids deserve and need you more than he does.

sparticuscaticus · 30/12/2020 06:58

Can you Telk to him

Lay put how serious it is?

Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 07:00

Not at all, he’s always said how good the children are, he says he wishes they would create some trouble. They’re very good students, polite, well mannered. Not perfect but people do comment how obvious it is they have a good heart. My husband seemed to see my ex in the children and started to pick in the eldest, and things got out of hand. That’s how I feel it started.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 07:01

Christmas was approaching

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 30/12/2020 07:01

I personally don't believe children are always right and at 19 child is a stretch.

If your husband disrespected your child then there should be an apology, but it needs to go both ways. Do your children antagonize on purpose? Do they dislike him because they know he dislikes them?

If, as it sounds, your husband is generally annoyed your children are with you and doesn't want them around then yes, I think you should split up. You shouldn't be stuck in the middle because both sides are looking to get you to choose.

This sounds awful for you Flowers

Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 07:04

Already done that...I suggested therapy, he said he’s not the father and he shouldn’t go to therapy for that. He doesn’t understand how serious it is. Hs also said he’s not going to change for anyone. And I wonder...what am i supposed to do with that then?

OP posts:
Dinosauraddict · 30/12/2020 07:08

You should leave. Your children deserve better. It is your job to protect and support them.

Jessbow · 30/12/2020 07:10

Give us some specific examples please.

SilentlyLaughing · 30/12/2020 07:16

@Usernameagain

Already done that...I suggested therapy, he said he’s not the father and he shouldn’t go to therapy for that. He doesn’t understand how serious it is. Hs also said he’s not going to change for anyone. And I wonder...what am i supposed to do with that then?
Leave
SortingItOut · 30/12/2020 07:19

So while you had your children part time things were fine bit now they live with you he doesnt like it?

Is the problem that you have a past and now your children are with you all the time its right in his face?

What does he mean by he cant change?
Does he mean he cant stop being horrible?

category12 · 30/12/2020 07:42

He's trying to clear the nest. Once he's driven out the eldest, and created a rift, he'll start on the next one. Pick your children.

Blokes come and go, your dc are what matters.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2020 07:52

It sounds as if your dh is struggling with living with your kids full time. Especially your eldest, who is basically an adult albeit a very young adult.

Maybe you could come back and give examples of what has happened. Christmas can be such a fractious time. Once they’re back at work / school, will things ease? Your husband has had a big change in his life, which he didn’t bank on.

I’m not excusing what he said. I think both parties may need to respect the other. If this really isn’t possible, I would pick my children.

soopedup · 30/12/2020 07:56

He’s not going to change for anyone? Well then. It’s done. That attitude stinks quite frankly. Living within a family unit involves adaptation and compromises. It’s not all about him. He just wants everything his own way. He sounds difficult and immature. You are the only mum your kids have and I bet he’s making your kids very unhappy. How awful. They have no choice but to live with this horrific individual with his disgusting ways and attitude. We are in a pandemic withbusinesses closing. How on earth is your 19 year old supposed to move out? That’s not his call anyway. Who the fuck does he think he is. Get some back bone. Move out. Then tell him you’ve moved out because your kids do and will always come first.

Taikoo · 30/12/2020 08:16

Yes, you are failing your children by staying with him.
Don't be one of those females who puts a pair of trousers above her kids.
Move out, divorce him and leave him to it.

Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 08:26

If he gets home and the kids are around he completely ignores them. He said he has no interest in a relationship with the children, he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose. I tried to put myself in his position and understand it’s difficult, but it’s very difficult to be in the middle trying to keep things from exploding. It also goes in cycles, a few months of honeymoon 2-3 , and then a very small thing - anything - a comment, an opinion- a suggestion- anything would start the process and bitterness again. We’ve had 3 cycles now. I love this man and care for him deeply but I’m really feeling as if I’m living two parallel lives

OP posts:
Nomoresleeps · 30/12/2020 08:31

If he has said clearly he has no interest in a relationship with the children, you know where you are. You have no choice but to separate and leave. It would be cruel to make your children live there any longer.

Original poster
Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 08:32

I think we can make mistakes as humans, I think we can say the wrong thing sometimes, I think we can hurt others unintentionally, and I love him dearly. But the kids have heard him critiquing them, and openly expressing his life is better without them. How can I ignore that...I wonder if moving out and taking a step back for both of us to evaluate our options and make decisions may help. I just feel I can’t stay in the same house anymore

OP posts: