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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I taking things too far? Divorce in mind

98 replies

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:26

I’m seeking some light. And thank you for reading.
I married 4 y ago, 2nd marriage, have two kids from previous marriage (19-16). Kids living with me full time.
DH dislikes the big one with passion, there’s been 3 times where lack of respect has been present and no apology was given. He says my big child should look for a place to live. And in the middle of arguments, several times, he’s been rubbing on my face everything he’s given me or any of his family has given me (us) I’m struggling to see a future with him and have started to look for a place to go with the children. Even though he has been great with everything the last two weeks, I’ve been struggling to picture my future with someone that sees my children in that light and has behaved and said the things he’s said. Besides the children heard him talking poorly about them- more than once - Am I taking things too far by moving out?

OP posts:

category12 · 30/12/2020 08:34

He said he has no interest in a relationship with the children, he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose

What a prick. Choose your kids.

candycane222 · 30/12/2020 08:39

Yikes! If you had been my Mum, living with a man who expressed those views without apology, I would have felt homeless and unloved, and sooner or later, very angry.

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2020 08:42

I wonder if moving out and taking a step back for both of us to evaluate our options and make decisions may help. I just feel I can’t stay in the same house anymore

I think this would be sensible. It may still be possible for you to have a relationship - and him to climb down and take back what he’s said about your children - if you have your own space.

It’s not at all clear from your posts what the issues are - how long have they lived with you full time, how long do you expect the 19 year old to stay living with you, what was their relationship like before and what’s triggered the issues etc.

But in general you should pick your children over him.

pog100 · 30/12/2020 08:47

Christ, it's just well beyond being a bit snappy with people you live. You have rightly figured out that your relationship with your children is so important to them and you. You don't seem to have picked a good 'un with him though. Yes, leave.

BrassicaBabe · 30/12/2020 09:30

I've seen this a couple of times in my circle and I just don't understand it.

Each time...
Second marriage/relationship. She has kids. He doesn't. Kids are girls. Everything pretty normal/happy until the kids hit teens and young adults. He then can't seem to cope with normal pesky teen behaviour (nice outside the home but opinionated and challenging inside the home). He then demonises the children. Circles into the ground, relationship breaks down.

I have no answers! Sorry. Sorry this I happening. But I've seen it happen 3 times and I'm still none the wiser.

soopedup · 30/12/2020 09:33

He knew you had kids. He’s the one who has broken this.

LionLily · 30/12/2020 09:47

So he was fine when the dc didn't live with you full time? But he changed when the situation changed. Did he know before marriage that the dc might be living with him full time?

But that's neither here nor there for me. My dc are welcome to live with me for as long as they wish to. When my dc leave home I want it to be because leaving will be a step up for them - a good job elsewhere, moving in with the love of their life, buying a property of their own, going travelling etc (fat chance of that). Not because of a bad atmosphere at home, not because of attitude from someone that I chose to bring into our equation.
Plus I would be worrying that when they did leave home, for whatever reason, his efforts to isolate me from them - and any future grandchildren - would be stepped up for his own convenience.

Flyg · 30/12/2020 09:59

@Usernameagain

If he gets home and the kids are around he completely ignores them. He said he has no interest in a relationship with the children, he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose. I tried to put myself in his position and understand it’s difficult, but it’s very difficult to be in the middle trying to keep things from exploding. It also goes in cycles, a few months of honeymoon 2-3 , and then a very small thing - anything - a comment, an opinion- a suggestion- anything would start the process and bitterness again. We’ve had 3 cycles now. I love this man and care for him deeply but I’m really feeling as if I’m living two parallel lives

you are not taking this too far. Leave.

Original poster

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 10:05

Sad isn’t it?

OP posts:

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 30/12/2020 10:06

You and your kids are a package deal. It doesn't matter how old they are, you are their mother and will always have a significant role in their lives and vice versa. He should have known that when he entered a relationship with you. If he's not willing to accept that then there's no future for you.

Kick him to the kerb, OP.

strawberry2017 · 30/12/2020 10:09

I think you need to leave, it will come to a point where your children start their own families and he resents you for wanting to see them. When you gave grandkids he will resent them too.
He knows you had kids. You don't want to ever be in a position where your kids don't feel welcome in your home- it could mean you see a lot less of them.
He doesn't sound worth it at all! X

Original poster

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 10:10

Im trying to respond to the comments but it doesn’t seem to work.
My thoughts are the same LionLily, I want my children and to feel safe at home, to have a loving place where they feel welcome anytime, and I feel That’s not what they have now...and It goes against what I believe a home is.

OP posts:

Charles11 · 30/12/2020 10:20

The way he is with your kids is awful, but even without that, he sounds like a petty, stubborn man with an unreasonable attitude.
Your instincts are telling you something.

Cokie3 · 30/12/2020 10:20

It sounds like he lured you to fall for him by pretending he was something he was not. Once he got you married and trapped, his real self surfaced.

You were deceived into marrying him. If you knew his real self was like this, would you have married him?

I didn't think so. You were married in deception. Not sure if that is grounds for an Annulment, but even if it doesn't qualify, you should certainly separate with a view to divorcing. You didn't marry the man you were led to believe you were, that is definitely emotional fraud and deception. Your children, your flesh and blood, should always come first. The damage you will do to your children by choosing to stay even though he makes them hurt and miserable, is enormous. But the good you can do for your children by putting them first, letting them know you will always have their back, will them them support, confidence and will be an enormous benefit to their psychological and emotional health. Make 2021 be a new start and leave your marriage that was based on lies and choose your children.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 30/12/2020 10:31

Get rid, my ex husband was like this with my son and my son is getting counselling due to it

xsamix86 · 30/12/2020 10:50

I grew up with a SD like this, and worse. He habitually tried to get my mum to leave us with relatives and move closer to his children. In particular it felt that he hated me! The atmosphere at home was tense and uncomfortable at best. In the end he threw me out at 15 and I always felt that my DM chose him over me. As a result for years my relationship with my DM was none existent, although recently we have begun to communicate more and are making strides towards some form of relationship. I travel to visit sporadically, but still always feel awkward and uncomfortable to visit my childhood home. Although I am working to move past how abandoned I felt, I will never be able to fully forgive her for not protecting me from him. It may also be worth noting that I suffered from severe depression from a young age, went a little on the wild side and created toxic relationships that I can now see was a pure desperation to feel loved. It is only now, more than 17 years later that I am building a steady and healthy life with a DP of nearly 8 years that they have not met. I know every situation is different, but I would hate for your DCs to be affected by this anywhere near as much as I was. Please protect your DCs no matter how old they are and make sure they know they are loved, wanted and valued.

Dozycuntlaters · 30/12/2020 10:52

I would leave him if I were you. I have one DS who is 18 and I would never ever chose a man over him, not matter how in love I am. I believe we really have the "power" to screw our kids lives/heads up. For your DH to say to you he feels he will have to make you choose......what an absolute cock. He sounds like a dick, I would get rid and move somewhere with you and your kids.

madcatladyforever · 30/12/2020 11:02

I love this man and care for him deeply.

Why? He's a cunt. Do you have any idea of the long term mental damage to your children this can cause. Do you want your children to hate you because they will and when the time comes for them to be there for you they won't be.
My stepfathers appalling treatment of me caused me long term mental health problems and although I have made a life and career for myself I have to take psychiatric drugs everyday or I just spiral downwards and I do not love my mother.
I'm nearly 60 and this has stayed with me for my entire life.

RantyAnty · 30/12/2020 11:04

Your DC have experienced his contempt towards them for 4 years now.
That's 4 years you've put this arse that hates your DC above them

Start the new year without him.

Original poster

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 11:13

Metcatladyforever

My pointed is, even if I love this man I’m clear that I want to offer a different household for my children. They know I love them and I’m looking for a place for us. That they feel loved and protected is the most important thing for me. I could live without a man for the rest of my life, I couldn’t live seeing my children this kind of life. But, I wanted to hear other perspectives and points of view, it always help. I haven’t even share 30% of the issues in here...but it has already helped me to understand my decision is not an over reaction.

OP posts:

SpaceOp · 30/12/2020 11:18

"he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose"

Right there is the answer. He wants you to choose. Clearly there is only one choice. Because this won't get better. My guess is that he tolerated the children while they were young. Now that at least one is, technically, an adult, he wants you to cut the apron strings and put him first. But that doesn't change the fact that he thinks it's him or them. Which is ridiculous whether your children are 5 or 50.

Taikoo · 30/12/2020 11:21

He'll have to make you choose? What is this? Sophie's Choice?

Surely you know what you need to do.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 30/12/2020 11:43

He want to make you choose? Choose your children. No man worthy of the name would behave the way your H is doing.

Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 30/12/2020 11:54

@Usernameagain

Other posters might be able to advise but isn’t there a pattern that narcissists have of abuse, threat of abuse then sweetness and light that we are so so delighted to have reprieve of the abuse that we dare not say anything to rock the boat until something minor triggers it and the whole cycle starts again.....?

Thehop · 30/12/2020 11:58

I would leave ASAP

They.....and you.....deserve far better

Plus, I’d be worried they’ll be pushed away so much and not want to come visit me after they move out.

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