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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I taking things too far? Divorce in mind

98 replies

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:26

I’m seeking some light. And thank you for reading.
I married 4 y ago, 2nd marriage, have two kids from previous marriage (19-16). Kids living with me full time.
DH dislikes the big one with passion, there’s been 3 times where lack of respect has been present and no apology was given. He says my big child should look for a place to live. And in the middle of arguments, several times, he’s been rubbing on my face everything he’s given me or any of his family has given me (us) I’m struggling to see a future with him and have started to look for a place to go with the children. Even though he has been great with everything the last two weeks, I’ve been struggling to picture my future with someone that sees my children in that light and has behaved and said the things he’s said. Besides the children heard him talking poorly about them- more than once - Am I taking things too far by moving out?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 30/12/2020 12:01

He said he has no interest in a relationship with the children, he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose

There’s your answer, make your choice now, your kids. Leave him.

LaceyBetty · 30/12/2020 12:05

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all. What does he bring to the table?

Kabakofte · 30/12/2020 16:41

Glad to read that you are making plans extract your dc from this situation, your kids must be your priority and although a 19 year old is not a child they are only just a young adult and vulnerable in so many ways. You are the most significant adult and protector in their lives, period.

Original poster
Usernameagain · 20/01/2021 10:10

Thanks everyone for your input when I needed it so much.
I left the house two weeks ago and got a place for me and the children. I see the children are more at peace. However DH has been insisting he wants to do anything for us to remain together. I proposed we work on our relationship with the help of a therapist and once our issues are solved we can get some guidance on how to bring the children into the mix and how to improve the relationship with them.
I didn’t tell him where I live and he’s upset about it, I said I want the children completely out of this until we’re sure we’re moving forward together.

Why do I have such a sense of guilt and feel I’m being so unfair to him?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 20/01/2021 10:33

You've not been unfair to him.
He's driven your DC out of the home and, as you come as a package, driven you out too.
He did this.
Well done on moving out.
Be careful about sharing your plan with him - you've Told him that you want to all move back together in the future and he might be thinking that all he has to do is make the right noises in therapy and you'll go back to where you were. You'll be back at square one.
Be clear that the therapy is to see whether a reconciliation might be possible and that things need to change to enable that.

Brandnewcovidday · 20/01/2021 10:42

Can you trust anyone who is mean?
To your children?
Who are an extension of you...?

From the outside this looks controlling and horrible.

Well done on getting out but it sounds like he’s trying to lure you back in...?

C0NNIE · 20/01/2021 11:08

Why do I have such a sense of guilt and feel I’m being so unfair to him?

Because you have spent your whole life being told that women are only worth anything when they have a man. That a girl’s whole aim in life should be finding and keeping a boyfriend and turning him into a husband. That men and their wants / needs should always come first.

Thats why so many people hate MN - because so many posters here think that women should put themselves and their kids first. It’s completely counter cultural.

C0NNIE · 20/01/2021 11:12

And because when he said he was trying to make you choose, you know that you were supposed to choose him. You feel guilty because you have done the “ wrong “ thing ( according to him and to society ).

Deep down You know that any man who would force you to make such a choice isn’t the one for you.

Im sorry.

KinseyWinsey · 20/01/2021 11:14

There is something wrong with him for him to behave like this.

It's incredibly rude, damaging, disrespectful not to mention unkind.

Do you really love him?

He sounds like a knobber to treat anyone like this let alone your children.

Foul man.

candycane222 · 20/01/2021 11:23

He'll say anything to you now. He's desperate to get you back where he thinks you "belong"

I think you should take a bit of time out, without any discussion, to digest the whole experience, without him getting in to your head and guilt tripping you.

For what its worth, it seems to me that someone who is fine with behaving like that towards any housemates, never mind his own stepchildren, is unlikely to sudden develop an ability for empathy and selflessness. He honestly sounds like an arrogant and uncaring nob. He knew his behaviour towards the dc was hurting you. Did that bother him? Not while he had you where he wanted you, no. Why was that? Is it perhaps because your feelings aren't important to him - although clearly, the "service" he get from cohabiting with you is, and has motivated him to say these things.

Have a good think.

SortingItOut · 20/01/2021 11:31

You feel guilty because you're usually compliant and go with whatever he wants but now you've taken control.

I dont understand how this will ever work, he basically told you he hates your kids and he would force you to choose between them or him....you chose them and now he wants you back.

He cant have it both ways plus I'd never forgive someone who made me choose between them or my kids.

I think you've been far too generous. He made his bed, he can lie in it.

goody2shooz · 20/01/2021 11:39

Agree with all the previous posters. This man is horrible and he has not changed. Talking is easy - as he is doing. But you’ve lived with him and you’ve seen how his ACTIONS tell the truth. That was why you left, it wasn’t out of the blue. He says he’s not interested in a relationship with your children - then I’d have to say you have no basis for a relationship with HIM. Your kids are part of you, of who you are. I wouldn’t waste any time or money on trying to revive this marriage. He will SAY anything he thinks will bring you back, but deep down you know who he is. He’s not a kind man - he’s cruel. Asking you to choose between him and your children? That’s him right there, there’s no going back.

goody2shooz · 20/01/2021 11:41

Never feel guilty for putting your children before an unkind adult. This is all because of your husband’s actions and words, HE did this, not you.

LaBellina · 20/01/2021 11:42

I've grown up with an emotionally abusive father who threatened me regulary from the age of 11 to put me into foster care (even made me once at 13 pack my suitcase because he said he was later going to drop me off at SS because he wanted nothing to do with me anymore).
I've never felt safe or comfortable in my parents home and this has caused me severe mental damage. For example, as an adult, I was always very very anxious that I'd become homeless even if there was no reason at all to be worried about this.
Your DC deserve a safe space without one of the adults making them feel they aren't welcome there and their days in the home are numbered. They deserve a mother who chooses them over an abusive man that has so little respect for his family that he openly expresses that his life would be better if the kids weren't in it. Your DC will resent you for not doing the right thing.
I will never ever forgive my mother for her weakness, her cowardness and her selfishness. Sorry for the rant but you should know that living in a hostile environment where they feel they aren't welcome has a horrific affect on children.

Walkacrossthesand · 20/01/2021 11:44

Well done for standing firm and insisting that you and he seek guidance for your relationship while you're living separately. If he's prepared to do 'anything' to restore your relationship, then he should agree to that, as a sign of his newfound🙄 respect for you
If he's not, then - as others have said - actions speak louder than words.

Charles11 · 20/01/2021 11:47

He is the one who should be feeling guilty, not you. You rightly put your children first, before a man who doesn’t seem to have their best interests at heart.
Be proud of what you’ve done and don’t let his manipulation confuse you.

category12 · 20/01/2021 12:00

Well done on leaving.

But trying to resume the relationship is silly. How can you bring the children into the mix when:
"He said he has no interest in a relationship with the children, he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose"?

Your dc are the future. Bugger up your relationship with them for his sake and you'll be at arms length or estranged when they have kids. When you're old (and he's dead cos men tend to die first) and they still resent you for your choices. It's not just the case of waiting for them to "launch" - if you want to be a beloved grandma and you want to be their soft landing place in times of crisis, you need to have a partner that doesn't stand in the way.

Men are plentiful. Find one who has a genuine sense of family and who would never try to put a wedge between you, not try to make this work with a man who has clearly shown you he dislikes and resents your dc.

Eviebeans · 20/01/2021 12:05

You've done the hard part - well done for that. Don't look back.

Kabakofte · 20/01/2021 12:31

Well done, as Eviebeans says don't look back, take care and enjoy this new found sense of peace with your kids.

Original poster
Usernameagain · 20/01/2021 12:45

Thank you very much to every single one of you... I know I made the right decision, I just have to look forward now, thank you so much

OP posts:
Landofthefree · 20/01/2021 13:02

Don’t waste money on a therapist - spend it on a divorce lawyer instead. Any man that doesn’t completely accept that your children are part of the deal isn’t worth being married to. If you feel you have to have therapy, get it for yourself to learn to accept that you are NOT being unfair to divorce a manipulative and unpleasant man.

candycane222 · 20/01/2021 13:03

You did and you do!!

Edgeoftheledge · 20/01/2021 13:08

Nope. I have teenagers, the same age and we all know they can be pitas. However, unless theres a very good reason I wouldnt be asking them to leave home or putting a man before them.

Edgeoftheledge · 20/01/2021 13:12

He's not interested a relationship with your DCs? Bet that makes them feel great!

Your Dc’s deserve so much better.

Edgeoftheledge · 20/01/2021 13:14

I see you have left. Really well done.Flowers Please move on, of course hes making all sorts of promises now. Give your teenagers security.