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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I taking things too far? Divorce in mind

98 replies

Usernameagain · 30/12/2020 06:26

I’m seeking some light. And thank you for reading.
I married 4 y ago, 2nd marriage, have two kids from previous marriage (19-16). Kids living with me full time.
DH dislikes the big one with passion, there’s been 3 times where lack of respect has been present and no apology was given. He says my big child should look for a place to live. And in the middle of arguments, several times, he’s been rubbing on my face everything he’s given me or any of his family has given me (us) I’m struggling to see a future with him and have started to look for a place to go with the children. Even though he has been great with everything the last two weeks, I’ve been struggling to picture my future with someone that sees my children in that light and has behaved and said the things he’s said. Besides the children heard him talking poorly about them- more than once - Am I taking things too far by moving out?

OP posts:

Nanny2many · 20/01/2021 14:18

Please do not do therapy with him. If I’ve learned one thing from mumsnet, it’s that one shouldn’t go to therapy with an abusive man. Put the money towards solo to repay or divorcing him x

Knittedfairies · 20/01/2021 14:22

Well done OP!💐

ShizeItsWeegie · 20/01/2021 14:24

You need to see this abusive man as exactly that. Abusive. Divorce him and get away from him. Your life will be massively improved.

AnitaB888 · 20/01/2021 14:24

"Hs also said he’s not going to change for anyone. "

This is a big red flag.

Being a step-parent is a challenging role that needs a lot of patience as well as compromise.

I'm afraid this doesn't look good for the future....

pickingdaisies · 20/01/2021 14:41

You feel guilty because he's making you think that he is the victim. If you are serious about doing right by thought children, tell your DH that you need some thinking time. Don't have any communication with him for a week or two, just to allow yourself to process what's been happening, without him muddying up your thinking. Although I'm betting that he won't let you have that thinking time unless you are very resolved. Hell be calling and texting, he won't want to let you slip from his control.

Sorehandsandfeet · 20/01/2021 14:42

Please god tell this man that you will ALWAYS choose your children. He threatens you with making you choose because he believes that you will choose him. This is because you have put your children through his contempt for them for 4 years already. Since the 19 year old was 15? You have disregarded your children in order to pursue this relationship. There shouldn't be a question at all. This is on you.

Sorehandsandfeet · 20/01/2021 14:51

Sorry, i hadn't rtft. So glad you did the right thing for your family.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2021 15:05

Never put a man before your children. They will not forgive you at all for doing so.

Instead of a therapist (and besides which he's already said he’s not the father and he shouldn’t go to therapy for that) find a Solicitor with a view to divorcing this man asap.

Counselling for your own self and on your own would be helpful if only to realise that you are NOT being unfair in divorcing a both manipulative and unpleasant man.

WhatsAParlay · 20/01/2021 15:40

I could not contemplate being with a man who treated my kids this way. I'd be very wary indeed about resuming a relationship with him in the future

Original poster

Usernameagain · 20/01/2021 19:07

You’re all so right and help me see things for what they are and without sugar coating them. Thank you.

OP posts:

Tumblebugsjump · 20/01/2021 19:25

Can you see things from both perspectives? Obviously his behaviour towards your Teen and adult children is currently unacceptable but I would say not that uncommon in blended families especially during lockdown. Nobody is perfect, including the children in this scenario so perhaps there can be some calm honest and open conversations. Will your husband acknowledge his part in all this and why he is acting out in this way? Are you children taking on some more adult chores in the home for example?

Tumblebugsjump · 20/01/2021 19:28

The thing he said about not changing and making you choose, is totally unacceptable, so sadly maybe you have to leave if this is his stance. It such a difficult position to be in, you have to put you and your children first.

Tumblebugsjump · 20/01/2021 19:30

I am very late to reading the progress sorry, I glad you feel better now you have left, sounds like the right decision for you.

Seasaltyhair · 20/01/2021 19:34

I think it’s weird you keep calling your sons children. One is a young man - nearly 20 and the other is a 16 year old teenager - they are both young men.

However I have 25 year old dd and if my husband talked crap about her or made her feel uncomfortable I’d end it.

harknesswitch · 20/01/2021 19:38

He might not like the kids, he may not enjoy the kids, but they are human beings that have feelings, you don't treat other people that way. if he did love you he'd never be rude or disrespectful to your dc. You just wouldn't. Tbh I'd be very hesitant to even give him a chance at councilling, his behaviour has been unforgivable

Original poster

Usernameagain · 20/01/2021 21:06

@Tumblebugsjump I can, I know being a step parent is not easy and I know it takes time. I tried talking to him about how to relate to the kids and talk to them ..how to break the ice and get closer but he said he’ll do it his way and this is how his way ended up. I believe a relationship is 50-50 and I’m definitely not perfect, but the main issue is the repetitive and unapologetic lack of respect from his side, in many different forms...

OP posts:

Original poster

Usernameagain · 20/01/2021 21:18

@Seasaltyhair what would be the right word to call them? I’m not sure what the right word be ..kids?

OP posts:

Kabakofte · 20/01/2021 22:59

I don't really think it matters that much whether they are children /kids/teens /young adults, they are yours and you will always be mum. Noone should try and drive a wedge and if they do the consequence should be that they should piss off, not your offspring. Am sure your kids will be relieved and their happiness, together with yours, is paramount, not that tosser! I do feel really strongly about this, many MNs seem to think that once kids reach 16 they are adults (seems especially so for boys) but they are truly not close to being that fully formed, they still need a lot of guidance, support, unconditional love ( cos they make quite a few mistakes) and to know they will be listened to.

C0NNIE · 20/01/2021 23:15

I think it’s weird you keep calling your sons children. One is a young man - nearly 20 and the other is a 16 year old teenager - they are both young men

Everyone I know refers to their children as their “children”. What else do you call them - “ Our adult son and two adult daughters and my husbands adult daughter who is my step daughter “ seems a bit long winded .

Or are you suggesting “ the male teenager and young man that live in my house “?

Clearly you’ve not met many 16 year old boys if you seriously believe they are truly “ young men “. Most can barely pick their own pants off the floor or replace a toilet roll on the holder.

Giraffey1 · 20/01/2021 23:36

Any man who told me I’d have to choose between him and my children would be out of the door, I’m afraid. For him to even say such a thing is pretty damning.

Giraffey1 · 20/01/2021 23:41

Oops, pressed send too soon. I was going to say, moving out must have been very hard but I think it’s really important you make the most of that space and time apart. Don’t be pressured into any quick decision, and remind yourself of all those things he said to you ... about not being interested in your children (and yes, what else are you going to call them, the poster who questioned this is missing the point!), not being willing to change etc.

Viviennemary · 20/01/2021 23:46

Older teenagers can be quite challenging and awkward to live with even when a step parent isn't involved. But when I read your posts he just wants them out. I think you need to say to him. You're the one who needs to choose. Either you change your attitude to my children or I want a divorce.

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 20/01/2021 23:50

Usernameagain

‘If he gets home and the kids are around he completely ignores them. He said he has no interest in a relationship with the children, he said he feels he’ll have to make me choose. I tried to put myself in his position and understand it’s difficult, but it’s very difficult to be in the middle trying to keep things from exploding. It also goes in cycles, a few months of honeymoon 2-3 , and then a very small thing - anything - a comment, an opinion- a suggestion- anything would start the process and bitterness again. We’ve had 3 cycles now.’

I think he has made it very clear how he feels about your DCs. I think it’s terrible that he would even think of making you choose. I think you should choose your DCs and put them first. It must feel awful that the 3 of your cannot feel comfortable in your own home due the atmosphere and his behaviour.

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