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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH obsessed with our friend

93 replies

Iknowtheanswer · 28/12/2020 13:53

DH is totally obsessed with our friend, and it is starting to really upset me.

He has form for this. He would never cheat (not confident enough enough of his performance in bed for one thing), and I know he loves me and would struggle without me, but he periodically has crushes on other women and simply cannot keep these to himself. This one has been on and off for years.

He's currently going on and on about her. What she cooked for Christmas. How her house is decorated. How she lays her table. What she wears... It's an exhausting case of mentionitis.

Friend is lovely, but is lapping up the attention. Putting photos on the group chat. I'm not actually remotely impressed or jealous of her beautiful life, because I'm not overly bothered about material things, and I like my own house etc. She's told me many times that she has major issues with compulsive shopping, and she makes her life beautiful because she is so insecure in other ways. It's a control thing for her.

I'm just fed up with DH's attitude. He struggles with mental health (had severe clinical depression over the first lockdown), including OCD, and I suspect ADHD.

Not going to leave him, but he is driving me up the bloody wall.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 13:57

Have you told him, very firmly and very clearly, to stop talking about her all the time?

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 13:58

FML leave him if he cant respect you and bin her off too what kind of friend doesn't feel uncomfortable over this

Original poster
Iknowtheanswer · 28/12/2020 14:00

Yes, many times. He knows I'm upset. He either tried to justify it, or stops for a bit and then it starts again. Like an addiction.

He's very charismatic, popular, charming etc. Not many people know about his issues.

OP posts:
JazzyGeoff · 28/12/2020 14:00

Have you told him how it makes you feel?

Weirdfan · 28/12/2020 14:01

Have you tried telling him it's bloody hurtful to hear him banging on about how wonderful another woman is? I couldn't stick this and I'm not sure why you put up with it OP?

JazzyGeoff · 28/12/2020 14:02

X post.

If you've told him and it doesn't make a difference, then I guess you have to find a way to live with it, if leaving him isn't an option.

EmmanuelleMakro · 28/12/2020 14:05

Maybe get him to put a tenner in a box every time he mentions her and you get to spend the money -like a swear box?
Or every time he mentions her, start recording it on your phone do you can replay it to him at the dnd of the week do he can see how much time he has wasted on it?

LubaLuca · 28/12/2020 14:06

It's quite unusual (and reassuring in a relationship sense) that he seems to be fascinated only by her lifestyle, and not her. Table settings and so on are quite niche interests - does he get any say in these things at home?

Original poster
Iknowtheanswer · 28/12/2020 14:06

I put up with it the same way I put up with the depression. It's very similar (he had several months of counselling this year, and abd lot of what they discussed was linked to his OCD being triggered by the depression).

I'm going to have to have another word and see if it sinks in this time. Sad

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 28/12/2020 14:06

If leaving isn't an option it's hard to know how to get it to stop. You say you can't leave but how can you be with someone who regularly develops feelings for women outside of the relationship?

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 14:06

It sounds like your the one with confidence issues not him

HappyDays10101 · 28/12/2020 14:07

There’s not a lot you can do really, is there? It’s not this woman’s fault, it’s his. He won’t change.

If you’re not going to leave him then you need to either care less, or just stew on your own juices for the rest of your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 14:07

Why are you continuing to listen? I would tell him that you've asked him many times to stop, you're not going to tolerate it, and leave the room. Every time.

How many years are you willing to put up with such awful disrespect?

bluebell34567 · 28/12/2020 14:09

his ocd is triggering it.

Spongebobsquarefringe · 28/12/2020 14:13

The problem with OCD is when that obsession is there your brain just keeps on and you don’t realises how annoying you are or how many times you’re saying something about someone or something. He needs to refocus on something else, do you have any DIY projects for him to do.

Maybe start talking about an actor and watching box sets and saying how amazingly handsome he is.

I would be understanding to a point but I wouldn’t want to hear it because quite honestly I’d end up loosing my shit eventually because no one wants to hear their other half keeping on about another person especially a friend

AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 14:16

He doesn't sound short of confidence at all.

He sounds supremely confident that he can continue to humiliate you with no consequences. I would say that was the height of arrogance. Or someone safe in the knowledge that you will never leave no matter how little respect he demonstrates he has for you.

TodgerStrunk · 28/12/2020 14:16

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4006346-To-be-so-fed-up-and-resentful-of-DH-and-his-silly-crush

Is this you? If so, why are you still there? If not there's loads of advice here.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 14:21

I’d also have thought hoh had the issues op. Seriously he gets crushes on other women, rubs your nose in it, snd you put it down to mental illness? He sounds like he is just a selfish twat to me.

2bazookas · 28/12/2020 14:22

Why don't you tell the friend "He struggles with mental health (had severe clinical depression over the first lockdown), including OCD, and I suspect ADHD.), IOW his attentions to her are a manifestation of his MH disorder. So instead of basking in the attention she needs to pull her neck in and ignore. For everyones sake including her own.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 14:22

@TodgerStrunk

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4006346-To-be-so-fed-up-and-resentful-of-DH-and-his-silly-crush

Is this you? If so, why are you still there? If not there's loads of advice here.

Is this you? Becayse the writing style is very familiar op.
AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 14:25

Yes, that sounds like op

Just like on that thread, the people advising op to appeal to the "friend" are badly misguided

The problem here is this bloke. And the fact that op appears powerless to stop herself being so humiliated.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 14:28

Why don't you tell the friend "He struggles with mental health (had severe clinical depression over the first lockdown), including OCD, and I suspect ADHD.), IOW his attentions to her are a manifestation of his MH disorder. So instead of basking in the attention she needs to pull her neck in and ignore. For everyones sake including her own.

Oh, please? You're implying this woman is somehow responsible for the husband's behaviour? Regardless of any attention-seeking issues she may have, she has every right to post pictures of she wants to.

The op's husband is a disrespectful twat. His OCD does not give him a pass for this bullshit.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 14:33

Making women responsible for men's behaviour. Same old bullshit.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 28/12/2020 14:35

This is your friend's fault as much as his. She is using your husband's obsessive tendencies to get validation for her own shit life when she knows he's married.

IDK what treatment there is for OCD but your husband needs to know that he's crossing a boundary that's making you uncomfortable, and redirect his energy to something else. With my ADHD, redirection away from a person or topic is the best answer when I get "stuck" on something. He likes the table settings? He should stop looking at your friend's pics and go buy a copy of Ideal Homes or something.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 14:35

@Aquamarine1029 - totally agree

I sympathise with MH conditions but exactly how much abuse does a partner/family have to tolerate because "they are unwell".

I am worried about the number of threads on MN that excuse behaviour for MH reasons. That does not mean people need to stay and put up with it, either.