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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH obsessed with our friend

93 replies

Iknowtheanswer · 28/12/2020 13:53

DH is totally obsessed with our friend, and it is starting to really upset me.

He has form for this. He would never cheat (not confident enough enough of his performance in bed for one thing), and I know he loves me and would struggle without me, but he periodically has crushes on other women and simply cannot keep these to himself. This one has been on and off for years.

He's currently going on and on about her. What she cooked for Christmas. How her house is decorated. How she lays her table. What she wears... It's an exhausting case of mentionitis.

Friend is lovely, but is lapping up the attention. Putting photos on the group chat. I'm not actually remotely impressed or jealous of her beautiful life, because I'm not overly bothered about material things, and I like my own house etc. She's told me many times that she has major issues with compulsive shopping, and she makes her life beautiful because she is so insecure in other ways. It's a control thing for her.

I'm just fed up with DH's attitude. He struggles with mental health (had severe clinical depression over the first lockdown), including OCD, and I suspect ADHD.

Not going to leave him, but he is driving me up the bloody wall.

OP posts:
WellIsawthatcoming · 28/12/2020 14:38

No, OCD doesn't give you a pass. But it can be hugely complex and difficult to spot, sometimes especially for the person with it. It sounds, OP, like you recognise that this is linked to OCD - and this is perhaps why you don't take it as personally or feel as threatened by his obsessions - but it's really DH who needs to make that link, see it for what it is, and apply all the tools he has to dealing with this. And he may need more professional help at this stage as managing OCD can be (isn't always, but can be) life term, and he's really pretty early days into learning about it.

Of course, it gives no-one a free pass and you always have to look after yourself first. But you sound as though what you really need right now is a shift in this particular behaviour/manifestation, and a place to vent (could or would you find someone to talk to yourself? Getting support to support him is so very valid a need).

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 14:38

If it’s the same poster, which it looks like it is, it’s nothing to do with his mental health. He is just treating the op like shit.

WellIsawthatcoming · 28/12/2020 14:39
  • long term
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 14:54
  1. Someone's mental health issues do not mean they are entitled to make someone else feel like shit. Some people are just dicks, some people are dicks who have mental health problems. Both people are dicks.
  1. It is the responsibility of an adult to take responsibility for searching for and using tools to try to manage their mental health issues. I have bipolar and ADHD. I do not use these as excuses for shitty behaviour, I've worked fucking hard to put in place coping mechanisms and tools that mean I don't hurt other people. If I did, I would be genuinely apologetic and work on never doing it again.
  1. Women are not responsible for modifying their behaviour or sacrificing their wellness to accommodate a man's bad behaviour.

I am baffled that some people don't seem to understand that one person's mental health does not trump another person's.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 14:55

@AnyFucker

Making women responsible for men's behaviour. Same old bullshit.
Unreal isn't it?!

Can you stop being attractive please, it's distracting my husband. Hopefully OP thinks that approach is as laughable as those of us who don't believe women are responsible for regulating adult male's behaviour.

AiryFairyMum · 28/12/2020 14:57

How would he react if you said the same about a male friend?

Suzi888 · 28/12/2020 15:00

Do the same, talk about one of his friends or a celeb or just what you find attractive in a man. See how he likes it!
It’s not normal for him to be besotted with other women!

StephenBelafonte · 28/12/2020 15:00

Do the same back to him. Pick a male friend of his and go on and on and on about him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 15:07

People who suggest doing the same back to him - do you think that's a healthy way to tackle this issue?

Lowering yourself to the horrible behaviour of your partner doesn't help the issue, it just gives them an opportunity to accuse you of being as bad as he is. And exacerbates the toxicity of the relationship her partner has fucked up.

I don't usually advance search, but on her other thread (it's clearly the same OP) she said this:

When he's working at home he will not come downstairs once to see me and the children.

These children are witnessing such an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and are being taught that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

The focus should be on ending this utterly dysfunctional relationship and learning to coparent successfully instead of continuing to model such unhealthy relationship dynamics. Not on giving him a taste of his own medicine, especially when he clearly doesn't give a shit.

Tal45 · 28/12/2020 15:34

I was wondering about ASD tendencies, obsessing and then talking about something obsessively without realising that the other person has zero interest and really doesn't appreciate it would be fairly typical. Being in the office and having no idea that it would be socially expected to pop down and see how you are would also fit in. Depression and OCD are pretty common in people with ASD. And ADHD, ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc are all related.

year5teacher · 28/12/2020 15:37

Well I don’t mean to be harsh but if you’ve told him multiple times and he won’t change, and too won’t leave him, then you’re just going to have to put up with it. What else can you do?

WhatsAParlay · 28/12/2020 15:38

I remember saying to my now ex "Could we please have one evening where you don't talk about [name]?"

Turns out he as shagging her. And a goo few others.

I'm much happier now.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 15:41

@Tal45

I was wondering about ASD tendencies, obsessing and then talking about something obsessively without realising that the other person has zero interest and really doesn't appreciate it would be fairly typical. Being in the office and having no idea that it would be socially expected to pop down and see how you are would also fit in. Depression and OCD are pretty common in people with ASD. And ADHD, ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc are all related.
But he does know it's both inappropriate and hurtful, because OP has repeatedly told him. Someone asked if she had and she replied:

Yes, many times. He knows I'm upset. He either tried to justify it, or stops for a bit and then it starts again.

lilylongjohn · 28/12/2020 15:41

I know you've said in your op that you won't leave him. But what he's doing is so disrespectful, the fact you've told him how it makes you feel means he's doing it knowing full well it upsets you. I couldn't live with someone like that

HotSince63 · 28/12/2020 15:48

Give him a good kick in the balls every time he mentions her.

Or buy an air horn and blast it in his face every time he mentions her.

Seriously though - you've spoken to him numerous times about how it makes you feel and he carries on. If you've made leaving him not an option then what more can you do?

More fool you for not only putting up with it but making excuses for his behaviour.

Sideorderofchips · 28/12/2020 16:08

Mine did that. Utterly. Encouraged by her. We have now split as he cheated with her

cuppycakey · 28/12/2020 16:37

@AnyFucker

He doesn't sound short of confidence at all.

He sounds supremely confident that he can continue to humiliate you with no consequences. I would say that was the height of arrogance. Or someone safe in the knowledge that you will never leave no matter how little respect he demonstrates he has for you.

Totally agree with this.

I couldn't tolerate a marriage like this. I guess you have to decide whether or not you can as he isn't likely to suddenly change is he?

28andold · 28/12/2020 16:38

Does he have a hobby? No offense but he sounds like he doesn't know what to do with his free time so gets obsessed over other people.

NerrSnerr · 28/12/2020 17:19

Why can't you leave?

Zerrin13 · 28/12/2020 19:02

I would be wearing his balls for earrings

katy1213 · 28/12/2020 19:20

If he were going on about bloody table settings, I'd ask him straight out if he was gay. Especially given his performance in bed!

Checkingonemoretime · 06/11/2022 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Yahyahs22 · 06/11/2022 15:47

So many questions.

Did you leave him because of this? Did the friend and him ever do anything? How are you doing?

supercali77 · 06/11/2022 15:55

Leave the room the second he starts. Eventually he'll get the message that he's talking to himself.

supercali77 · 06/11/2022 15:55

Ohhhhh missed updates

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