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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealing with the OW being back on the scene.

84 replies

fortygin · 28/12/2020 09:26

Hi, sorry this will be long.
My each and I split up 3 years ago after 25 years together and 4 DC after he was once again caught having an affair.
This 'lady' thought it was her duty to tell me as she had been duped into thinking that he was single but kept close to me and DC as it had 'mental health issues'.
I found the strength and let him go and he begged for months to come home and had a breakdown so I was perceived by his family of not being a better wife and saving the marriage.
I've now met someone and am very happy although we both have primary residency of our DC so cannot spend as much time together as we would love to.
I found out a few months ago that the person who ex had the affair with is back on the scene. I felt nothing and encouraged my dv to be nice and respectful to daddy's 'new' girlfriend.
My 16 year old DD has confided in me that on boxing Day daddy had his dp and sibling over and this person played hostess and has been fully accepted by them.
I feel so selfish and indulgent that this has devastated me.
My own family lived overseas since is was aged 19 and I stayed here because I was already with my DH and only returned last year, so my ex's family was MY family for 25 years.
Since the split, I have been gracious, kept them up to date with photos and news when DC are with me. I invited them into my home at birthdays, celebration and Christmas mornings to see the DC (last time being this Christmas morning).
I feel betrayed and haven't slept or eaten in two days.
This ow hurt me to get back at my ex for hurting her. She sent three pages of photo evidence and a letter and I can't believe they think it's ok. I know I should suck it up and my DP and parents have told me to stop going over and above for people who dont care about me.
When my exfil had an op last year, I walked their dog, did their shopping and took mil to a&e when she had chest pain. I just feel so hurt and so guilty for feeling like that when I have my own DP too. Honestly I wouldn't care if it was anyone other than her.

OP posts:
Needbettername · 28/12/2020 09:56

Your post is confusing but you ex and OW are together and his family are OK with that and you find this a betrayal? Stop doing things for them as you are right they don't care about you.

Ughmaybenot · 28/12/2020 10:01

I’m a little confused, but what you’re saying is that OW thought he was single, then when she realised he wasn’t, she let you know with clear evidence? Sounds to me like she thought she was doing the right thing, she took the course of action that is oft recommended by posters on Relationship threads (‘I’d want to know’ etc)
I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt by the fact that they remained/have since reconnected(?) as a couple, and that you’re feeling replaced in a way by her. Altho it was always going to happen, it’s never nice.
I would advise you taking a step back from your in laws, and accepting that you have no ongoing obligation to them. It’s very selfish of them to accept this help.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 10:04

It’s confusingly written

But basically you split up three years ago and have a new partner. Your ex is with the woman he had an affair with. And you’re devastated about it?

sandgrown · 28/12/2020 10:04

My ex had an affair with my best friend. His parents, who lived away, soon accepted her. I was hurt as I had been the one who travelled to take their grandchildren to them and I thought we had a good relationship. About three years after the split I met my ex in laws and ex DH’s siblings at a christening. They told me they didn’t like the OW and only accepted her to keep the peace so they could see the DGC .

Retiremental · 28/12/2020 10:07

It’s ok to feel upset but it is possible for you to still maintain a good relationship with your ex in laws. Process this and be the bigger person. It will irritate OW more if you remain part of the family.

Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 10:08

I'm sorry, it is confusing.
Yes he is back with the OW.
I know I need to step back. EmMIL texts daily about the DC and I'm trying to keep the messages curt with her and exh.
He is now txting what the issue is.
I know the family probably tolerate her and they did accept my exbil's ow when he split from his wife for her but there were no DC involved.
I expect too much from them and I know I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
SantasBritchesSpelleas · 28/12/2020 10:11

Your ex is with the woman he had an affair with. And you’re devastated about it?

I read it that what's upset the OP is not her ex having a relationship with the OW but the fact her ex's family have welcomed the OW into their lives.

OP - presumably your ex's family want to maintain a happy relationship with your DC, which won't be possible if things are frosty between them and your ex's partner. Isn't it better for things to be friendly in the house when your DC are there with his relatives?

Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 10:11

I'm devastated that this person who kept her identity secret to protect her family but contacted various friends of mine and passed letters to me via them as she wanted me to know how 'awful my DH was' , is now playing happy families with my children. I couldn't care less who my ex is shagging but it stings that she is now part of what I thought was my family.
I miss the family more than him tbh.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 10:12

Op, in your head had you convinced yourself it was just a mistake/sex between them and you were still the one?

It is clear you’re not over him, and you’ve realised that this relationship is serious, so it hurts.

It’s been three years. Thr affair was wrong, but now they aren’t doing anything wrong, they are both free to be together and it’s been long enough.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/12/2020 10:15

What do you expect his family to do? They aren't likely to shun this woman especially since you and he split so long ago and she didn't actually do anything wrong.

MorrisZapp · 28/12/2020 10:15

I hope this never happens in my own family but if it does what is gained by parents refusing to accept their child's choice of partner? Divorce and separation are facts of life, my own parents are divorced and both of my step parents are just a normal part of the family.

I get how hurtful it must be to see your in laws being nice to your DPs new partner, but really, what would you have them do? You're still the grandkids mother and you'll always have a connection to them.

cuddlymunchkin · 28/12/2020 10:18

Move on and live your life, cut out the bits from your old life including the old Pils. Your new DP is right, listen to him.

helpmum2003 · 28/12/2020 10:23

OP I can see why it hurts. I would do what is necessary to maintain the relationship between your ex-ILs and your DC but nothing more. Driving them to hospital etc is not your job.

Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 10:27

Thank you, I appreciate the hard truth.
I AM over him, I don't want him and you are all right but she DID do wrong. She hurt me to get back at him.
I will step back and stop being so present and accomadating for them.
For what it's worth, my exh can be very intimidating and sometimes goes weeks without speaking to his parents as he sees they have slighted him in some way and I will them keep them up to date with regards to the DC, again I will back off.

OP posts:
ByersRd · 28/12/2020 10:28

Unfortunately this is something that you are going to have to come to terms with and work out strategies for dealing with it.

I've been there, I do understand how hurtful it feels. I hated that our friends were at my ex and OW wedding for instance but recognise that although I'm hurt and this is major in my life, it isn't in theirs. Many people don't want to get involved in the fall out so they just go along with expectation.

Turned around, if this was your son, how would you deal with it, never invite your sons new partner to your house because she was the OW? I know as the ex wife we all want to think that that's what we would do...but lose your son over it? ... not really reasonable, especially after three years and as you have moved on too.

I was told by my barrister to 'grow up and behave like an adult' - I was fuming at the time and really wanted to 'stamp my feet, cry and scream "but I don't want to be an adult" - now I can laugh about it.

In this situation, think of the Royal family...look how they all have had to accept Camilla! 😂

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 10:29

But what else can his family do OP? Their only other option is to damage their relationship with your ex, and by extension his children, by refusing to accept his partner. I know she was the OW but their loyalty is with their relative - your ex - not with you. You understandably are hurt by that but it's the unfortunate reality.

ZenNudist · 28/12/2020 10:36

They are probably just playing happy families as otherwise they dont get to see their brother/son/dgc. They probably also think its time to move on as you have a dp.

Aprilx · 28/12/2020 10:56

I don’t think his family have slighted you at all, they are still in daily contact. I think you being curt with them because your ex has moved on is not necessary or fair. He is their son, brother, of course they are going to accept the new person in his life. I think you would like them to choose between you or him and his new partner, don’t make them do that as you won’t win.

Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 11:00

Point taken. Maybe used is a better word than slighted. But thank you. I shall let karma deal with things.
Being curt might not be fair but it works both ways.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 11:01

I'd feel hurt, too, OP. It prob feels like the in laws have easily replaced you with the OW but, as PPs state,I suspect they are only playing happy families so they see their GC.
I'd back off doing anything for them, though. They've chosen their side and they need to live with the outcome which is likely irregular contact - and that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE. If they contact you for updates, direct them to him EVERY time. Remember they have not supported you and he will always come first.

Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 11:02

#tistheseason17 thank you.

OP posts:
OxfordwillsaveusbyFebruary · 28/12/2020 11:02

Why do you email updates about the children?

At 16 they can keep in touch with him if they wish and he can update the relatives

It isn't your role any more. Daily contact is ridiculous- give them the email and phone numbers of your DC

Ughmaybenot · 28/12/2020 11:04

Oh I hadn’t realised it’s been three years! What else would you expect your ex in laws to do OP? Their loyalty will always be with your ex, he’s still their son, and they would want to see their grandchildren. They may well like ex’s partner, they might not, but that’s by the by really.
Being curt with ex mil etc won’t help at all. Stepping back from the physical help, fair enough, but being rude is entirely unnecessary.

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2020 11:08

She’s not the OW though. Yes, he had an affair with her which was 100% wrong, but you then split up and he didn’t get back together with her until three years later.

It’s unreasonable to expect them not to welcome her into their home, she is their son’s partner, regardless of how they got together. It’s not a betrayal of you, they can still think something of you even if your ex is now with someone else.

People shouldn’t be expected to get involved in other people’s marriages, and tBH they shouldn’t be expected to take sides when their own flesh and blood is involved.

Elieza · 28/12/2020 11:08

You are hurt because your ex is an arsehole and you are jealous because they are playing happy families with your children and you don’t feel they have that right as it’s not fair.

Plus if the other woman is still writing to you nowadays to tell you how awful your ex is that will hurt too. But if you’re referring to when she did that previously then I get that it would hurt at the time but that was years ago so you have to put it out of your mind.

It’s hard but as long as your children are not being harmed by this woman and are well taken care of, you have to try and let go of your anger.

You have moved on. Things hurt dreadfully on the past and he is a bastard. But he was duplicitous once, console yourself with the thought that it could only be a matter of time before he finds someone else and she gets dumped! What goes around comes around.

Re the ex in-laws, it’s not their fault your then husband had an affair. There is no need to be childish by being curt with them. They have no control over their arsehole sons behaviour. They may even have not known, or did know but told him to stop philandering and behave himself You don’t know. Stop taking your hurt and pain out on them. Be polite and respectful. Perhaps don’t contact them too often, but don’t fall out with them.

You are still living in the pain of the past and need to move on. Get counselling if you can, the opportunity to discuss stuff with an impartial party who can help you work through your feelings is helpful.

You can waste your life living in the past it you will drive everyone away. It’s hard but you can move on and be happy.