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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealing with the OW being back on the scene.

84 replies

fortygin · 28/12/2020 09:26

Hi, sorry this will be long.
My each and I split up 3 years ago after 25 years together and 4 DC after he was once again caught having an affair.
This 'lady' thought it was her duty to tell me as she had been duped into thinking that he was single but kept close to me and DC as it had 'mental health issues'.
I found the strength and let him go and he begged for months to come home and had a breakdown so I was perceived by his family of not being a better wife and saving the marriage.
I've now met someone and am very happy although we both have primary residency of our DC so cannot spend as much time together as we would love to.
I found out a few months ago that the person who ex had the affair with is back on the scene. I felt nothing and encouraged my dv to be nice and respectful to daddy's 'new' girlfriend.
My 16 year old DD has confided in me that on boxing Day daddy had his dp and sibling over and this person played hostess and has been fully accepted by them.
I feel so selfish and indulgent that this has devastated me.
My own family lived overseas since is was aged 19 and I stayed here because I was already with my DH and only returned last year, so my ex's family was MY family for 25 years.
Since the split, I have been gracious, kept them up to date with photos and news when DC are with me. I invited them into my home at birthdays, celebration and Christmas mornings to see the DC (last time being this Christmas morning).
I feel betrayed and haven't slept or eaten in two days.
This ow hurt me to get back at my ex for hurting her. She sent three pages of photo evidence and a letter and I can't believe they think it's ok. I know I should suck it up and my DP and parents have told me to stop going over and above for people who dont care about me.
When my exfil had an op last year, I walked their dog, did their shopping and took mil to a&e when she had chest pain. I just feel so hurt and so guilty for feeling like that when I have my own DP too. Honestly I wouldn't care if it was anyone other than her.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 28/12/2020 12:18

Focus on your new partner and kids and cut these toxic people out of your lives. Let the new gf run after his parents. They are no longer your responsibility. Block their numbers and don't respond yo text or emails. Your DC can keep in contact with dgp without your help.

ThePlantsitter · 28/12/2020 12:18

@fortygin

I just want to thank you quickly for all the advice. I don't particularly like the relationship but am a people pleaser and years of emotional abuse and the fact I've been on my own since 19 when my family have moved away, has left me with PTSD. My view of the world is most likely skewed.
I understand this. Also understand why you'd be hurt.

Nothing you can do about feeling hurt but you can write yourself a list of things you won't do for them any more. No.1: being point of contact when ExH is in charge.

Sandals19 · 28/12/2020 12:21

Oh and fwiw, she did you a massive favour.

You were with a serial cheater, which is abuse really, and she gave you solid evidence and showed you what type of lies and utter disrespect he was telling about you and your marriage to facilitate his affairs.

She may not have done it for your sake, bit you have benefitted from it. You finally got rid of him and you've met someone else who it's hard to imagine could be any worse.

chilling19 · 28/12/2020 12:33

I'm with surelynotever - you have every right to feel hurt. But I would argue that it is not personal with the ILs - you have obviously been a good mum and DIL, and they are in an impossible position. It would be good if they could acknowledge that in some way, but they probably don't realise how you are feeling. Whatever the outcome you have done you kids proud. And that is all that matters xxx

SaltyTootsieToes · 28/12/2020 13:01

You have every right to feel hurt. You were wronged but mainly so by your ExH of course OW is to blame too.

ExH family has no choice but to accept OW as she’s part of ExH now.

There is nothing wrong with your expressing that you’re not comfortable continuing in your role of the DIL now the OW in the picture and are stepping back. You can express to your MIL your hurt and why you’re stepping back. You could say you’ll leave how the relationship with you ex MIL will be up to her
She may wish to continue relationship with you as DIL and to her, that is separate to any type of relationship with the OW. Talk to her about it as clearly you’re behaviour has changed and if I’d noticed. Explain directly to your MIL why. No need to involve the ExH.

As you write, ExH family was your family. They likely feel the same way and view you separately from OW. Talk directly to them. Clear the air

Also, no need to hide the fact that she was the OW who was having affair with your ExH while you were married and why you divorced. You have nothing to be ashamed about. No need for you to hide the truth.

Elieza · 28/12/2020 13:51

Get maintenance money sorted out. Number one priority. He must pay for his kids.

As an aside if he has less money to spend on her because he’s spending it on dc then that’s a win win (although now I’m being a bit childish)!

Why doesn’t he pay? Is it because he has them the bare minimum above the threshold of not having to pay?

AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 14:01

Your only responsibility to the children's grandparents is to facilitate the access that your children wish for

Your ex inlaws have no legal right to "updates" or even to see them at all. In your situation, I would leave all of it to their father and get on with your own life.

Stop fulfilling the role of trying to smooth the way for people who don't, and never will, have your back. You are on your own with this, which is as it's always been.

Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 14:07

Thank you all. He's said he won't pay maintenance as he has kids two days a week (sometimes three for the youngest two) so he has 50/50 custody and refuses to fund my lifestyle. (I've had worked in the same place for 17 years.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2020 14:20

Make it official, go through the CMS and see what they say.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 14:22

He will be forced to pay maintenance if he is assessed to be liable by CMS

It isn't up to him, or even you

Make a claim. Follow it through, you may be pleasantly surprised.

This isn't about you and him, this is about your children's future

Monkeypeas · 28/12/2020 15:15

Is he a bit thick? How is having the children 2, occasionally 3 days the same as 50/50?

Stop being a mug and Just go through the officially Channels for maintenance

GlowingOrb · 28/12/2020 15:21

I understand why you are upset about the affair, but you seem focused on the fact that she told you about the affair. That is information you should want to have.

ThriceThriceThice · 28/12/2020 15:33

Have I got this right - he pays no maintenance because he has his kids 2 days a week? How did this happen? Did you get legal advice or just accept what he said. Are you paying for all your kids needs?

lilylongjohn · 28/12/2020 15:37

I'm afraid that his parents will always side with their son. It's great you've helped them out in the past, it shows you are a good person. But them accepting his new gf, ow or not, is inevitable. Tbh in your shoes I'd start to distance myself from them. It's up to your ex to keep them updated with the dc, he should also be walking the dogs etc.

Give your head a wobble and leave them to it. Chances are he'll cheat on her anyway

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 15:43

@GlowingOrb

I understand why you are upset about the affair, but you seem focused on the fact that she told you about the affair. That is information you should want to have.
Yes. In this she did the op a favour.

Op it does read like you wish to shoot the messenger. She was also duped. But somehow you blame her. Like she did wrong in telling you. As glowing said, that’s something you should wish to know. And she owned it when she told you.

Are you jealous? Why would you think you could accept anyone but her?

AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 16:02

Maths isn't his strong point then Hmm

Treemama · 28/12/2020 16:03

I'm confused. You wanted your DC to be nice to the new girlfriend but your ex in-laws shouldn't? Should they be unpleasant and ruin everyone's Christmas?

GertrudeKerfuffle · 28/12/2020 18:42

Oh OP, you need to get angry at your ex, not the former OW/current girlfriend. Go through CMS, get everything formalised. It sounds like you are still doing the 'wife work' you did when you were married - doing stuff for his parents and acting as a buffer between them and their DGC. Don't forget the exPILs are the people who blame YOU for not forgiving his shitty affair and reconciling the marriage! They seem to want to make his life easier, whatever that takes, including letting you run around doing work, and welcoming the woman who he wrecked your marriage with. Disentangle from them and move forward to find your own path. They don't deserve your help or thoughts.

Lineofconcepcion · 28/12/2020 18:48

@surelynotnever

I understand why you are hurt OP. You have gone over and above being the decent person here. I imagine you feel you are getting no recognition for it. Now the woman who humiliated you, who claimed she had a duty to tell you what an arse your ex was, is with the arse and being welcomed into what was your family.

I think it is totally normal and justified to feel as you do. You feel no-one has your back or your side, or acknowledgement of the dignity and decency with which you have behaved.

There's not much you can do about it though. His family have no real choice but to accept her. Its okay that it hurts though Flowers

This . . .
Original poster
fortygin · 28/12/2020 19:03

Sorry for the late reply. I have been very upset and have gotten into a car accident this afternoon as well.
I don't claim CMS because it's not worth the emotional abuse and threats.
I have long since lost any feelings of love or anger for him so it may look like I don't blame him but it's because I couldn't care less about him.
After the accident today, I realise I am very lucky to have my life, my partner and my DC and honestly all my neighbours who we don't speak on a regular basis but came out and offered support when I was in a state in the car.
I will count my blessings .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2020 19:15

You what you need to do.

But that money belongs to your children. It would enhance their life.

Have a think, but not today. Just now, you need to take care of yourself Flowers

ThriceThriceThice · 29/12/2020 07:21

Take care of yourself OP - hope you are feeling better today.

You are absolutely right to focus on what is important and what you can control (you, your relationship with your children and your partner and those you care about) We should all be grateful for our happiness - life is short.

However, I do think on-going happiness lies in developing greater self-esteem, holding your boundaries and standing up for yourself and your children. I think you deserve better. This thing with the OW has hit you so hard, because you believe you deserve better too. Nobody likes to me made a fool of.

Maybe when you are recovered, you could think about making small changes that help you to stop seeing yourself as the ‘nice appeaser’ who focuses on making other people’s lives easier and see yourself as the strong, capable woman you most certainly are - resourceful and busy - but a woman whose focus is on her own life better and the lives of those she loves.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2020 07:29

Op, you clearly do care about him, the thought of him having a relationship with this woman has you in such a state you can’t eat and had a car accident. You’re a long way from over him. Is that why you still do all the enabling stuff?

It’s been three years, you need to maybe seek some help now.

I hope you’re ok after the accident. 💐

soopedup · 29/12/2020 07:38

Stop contacting your ex in laws and stop doing anything for them. You are in the habit of running around after people. You are now not obliged to answer any messages. They’ve got too used to using you. None of them have any respect for you. Cut them off. Have some pride. If they want pics of the children then it’s your ex’s job to do that. Not yours. Focus on your own parents and partner.

Itsallpointless · 29/12/2020 07:45

I don't necessarily think you've been used OP. You feel they have been disloyal to you, I would too. This is what I would like the scenario to be..

PIL @fortygin 'he' is with OW, unfortunately though we don't agree with what's happened, for the sake of DC, we are going to have to accept it as a family. I hope you understand our position, our feelings towards you have not changed.

Or something like that.

Posters may say they do not need to explain themselves, but due to the closeness of your relationship with them, I think it fitting. A PP asked if it were your son, if it were my son, I'd have done exactly that.

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