Dealing with the OW being back on the scene.

[fortygin]

Hi, sorry this will be long.
My each and I split up 3 years ago after 25 years together and 4 DC after he was once again caught having an affair.
This 'lady' thought it was her duty to tell me as she had been duped into thinking that he was single but kept close to me and DC as it had 'mental health issues'.
I found the strength and let him go and he begged for months to come home and had a breakdown so I was perceived by his family of not being a better wife and saving the marriage.
I've now met someone and am very happy although we both have primary residency of our DC so cannot spend as much time together as we would love to.
I found out a few months ago that the person who ex had the affair with is back on the scene. I felt nothing and encouraged my dv to be nice and respectful to daddy's 'new' girlfriend.
My 16 year old DD has confided in me that on boxing Day daddy had his dp and sibling over and this person played hostess and has been fully accepted by them.
I feel so selfish and indulgent that this has devastated me.
My own family lived overseas since is was aged 19 and I stayed here because I was already with my DH and only returned last year, so my ex's family was MY family for 25 years.
Since the split, I have been gracious, kept them up to date with photos and news when DC are with me. I invited them into my home at birthdays, celebration and Christmas mornings to see the DC (last time being this Christmas morning).
I feel betrayed and haven't slept or eaten in two days.
This ow hurt me to get back at my ex for hurting her. She sent three pages of photo evidence and a letter and I can't believe they think it's ok. I know I should suck it up and my DP and parents have told me to stop going over and above for people who dont care about me.
When my exfil had an op last year, I walked their dog, did their shopping and took mil to a&e when she had chest pain. I just feel so hurt and so guilty for feeling like that when I have my own DP too. Honestly I wouldn't care if it was anyone other than her.

I update because mil loves photos of DC (youngest is 9) and my 16 to DD finds her grandmother very overbearing and will close up and is accused of not putting family first, so I use myself as the buffer. Also on the two days a week my eh has the DC he uses his dp for after-school childcare and she will text me with updates or requests to get DC meds, new socks etc. It's ridiculous I know but she sees it as a mother's job rather than a parents job and gets annoyed when she is directed to ex.
Ie she had DC on a Monday afternoon, I was at work and DC are with their dad until after school on Tues. She text m asking me to get pain relief as my 9 year old pain with a tooth erupting.

I think the phrase “playing happy families” does people who say or think of things this way no favours.

The alternative to playing happy families is what, a warring family? Should parents be forced to become essentially estranged from their children because their child cheated?

It’s not “playing happy families” it’s just people getting along, keeping the peace & a happy vibe for your children.

And they are not playing happy families. Your ex is navigating a relationship when he has kids & adjusting / accommodating to include your kids in his life, which at least right now includes this Woman.

I mean this gently but it’s been 3 years & you’re with someone else. It may do you well to stop calling her “other woman” & call her by her name.

Whether this woman told you out of spite or to inform you, she did in fact tell you. It seems like you have focused your energy onto her being the messenger of this unwanted, but vital piece of information.

It’s lovely that his family have been so close to you & a support, that they love your kids. Try not to now be passive aggressive & short with them, for trying to have a relationship with their son.

It is unrealistic to expect they would have ostracised this woman for life simply because children are involved here.

Your futures were not with each other. Both of you are now free to explore the lives which were waiting for you on the other side of the marriage.

Make peace, look for the silver linings & let go of the anger.

He moved on. She moved on. Inlaws moved on. You moved on. Except that you didnt. So: move on. Its been 3 years and you have found new love. Move on. Stop dwelling on the past. Otherwise you might end up losing your new love because you are still consumed by the past.

Oh and stop projecting all the things your ex did to you, on the 'ow'. The one in the relationship is always the one to blame. Always.

Ie she had DC on a Monday afternoon, I was at work and DC are with their dad until after school on Tues. She text m asking me to get pain relief as my 9 year old pain with a tooth erupting

Quick text back, sorry in a meeting, please ask their dad! He needs to step up, his care, his responsibility. You are enabling his lack of responsibility.

I totally understand the hurt here and it's clear you didn't get over this as you are now in a happy relationship.
But I would say to you they are not your family they are his. Cut contact. Daily contact is like rubbing salt in constantly. Move on. Be polite but be very busy.

I understand why you are hurt. You don’t need to be in touch with his family, he can keep them updated. Whilst you’re doing that you’re opening yourself to more hurt.

I don’t understand why you’re so mad at the OW for telling you? Would you rather she didn’t and you didn’t know? She thought he was single, found out he wasn’t and IMO did the respectful thing and told you. If she wants to go down the same route she found him then that’s on her and her stupid choice to make but I don’t think you can blame her for telling you? She did the right thing.

If OW hadn’t done you the favour of letting you know you’d still be with this twat and he’d still be cheating on you.

I just want to clarify a few things and I will leave this here.
I blame ex 100% for what he did but how she went about telling me was utterly humiliating. She got her friend to tell her friend to pass it on to her cousin who worked with me and gave her all the information pertaining to a year long affair! There was no need she knew where I worked so she could have done it privately.
My ex called my partner fuckface for the first year of our relationship, merely for being with me and this was in front of my DC.
My 16 year old said her dad sees her and her 3 siblings like pets. He feeds them and houses them for 2 nights a week and has brought a string of women over to stay without even informing them till she arrived. I have always remained quiet and said that dad loves them and will care for them (they have no idea he pays no maintenance).
I'm not a bad person, I'm too accommodating and get hurt in the process. Thank you all for your advice which I wil certainly take on board.

Is that how the ow hurt you? By telling you about the affair and how she hadn’t known? Although that must’ve hurt it was actually doing you a favour and showing you what a piece of crap your husband is. If she’s stupid enough to stay with him that’s her stupid move. She knows she’s got a man that can’t be faithful.. As for the in laws, they’re stuck, aren’t they. They like you, but their son has a new serious relationship. They have to be civil to her. There’s no need to fall out with them. Equally you shouldn’t have to run errands for them, that’s your ex’s job.

Keep directing OW to your Ex! Firstly, whilst with her the kids are still his responsibility and secondly it pisses her off to ask their fsther to act like their father win/win. I also bet she does not like him spending his money on anyone but her! They need to buy the socks/meds.

You change anyone else, only what you can control. Why are your DC with your ex’s parents at all? Can’t the older child keep an eye while you or your ex are working? Aren’t they a bit old for childcare? If not, and if they’ve got the kids on ex’s contact time then just ignore any messages you get during that time. They can contact their son, the DC can contact their dad. You’re at work, it’s not your job to offer or accept updates. Leave them to it.

Limit contact with your to essentials about the DC and nothing else. He’s not your problem, his love life isn’t your problem, his parents aren’t your problem.

You’re being very passive and you do have choices here to cut people who make you unhappy out of your life. Focus on yourself, your boyfriend, your children.

can’t change anyone else!

And why doesn't he pay maintenance???

OP it’s humiliating to find out your DH is a cheat whatever the chain of communication. He is the one who humiliated you. You did yourself no favours also sadly by sticking with him over multiple affairs. This day was always coming.

Perhaps she thought it would be more obviously authentic if it came via friends than a cold call at the office. It’s not always that easy to get hold of someone’s work email and perhaps she didn’t want you to read it at work. She took the time and trouble to notify you in a way that would leave no room for doubt or ambiguity.

Perhaps you’re annoyed she showed you incontrovertible proof when you would have preferred to carry on turning a blind eye.

Oh I see, it’s how she told you. Well you know those people would’ve probably known/found out anyway.. Try not to dwell on it. It’s history. She’s got the crap prize - your ex. Try to focus on what’s good in your life. This doesn’t matter anymore..

They both sound horrible so I guess they’re well suited. You’ll always be the mother to the dc so in laws may well want to stay in touch (sounds like they’ve chosen to do this) but they have to have contact with the woman because your ex has chosen, after 3 years of looking around, that she’s his best option. Keep your dc close and move to minimal contact with ex. Dc need pain relief? “I’m at work but supermarkets/coop etc all have calpol. We use the sugar free one. Probably best for you to have basic meds at your house. Best wishes “

Ummm go after him for maintenance he can tantrum all he wants but the kids won't want 50/50 with his attitude and even if he quits work and lives off her you can be secure in the knowledge that she got what she wanted and she can live with it

OW did you a huge favour....it resulted in you freeing yourself from a liar and a cheat. Now she's stuck with the liar and cheat so the jokes on her!

Did you really expect his family to turn their back on their own son at Christmas time? How do you know they've accepted her, they could've didn't the whole day talking about you and all the help you've given them fur all you know.

I'd pull away from the though, don't allow yourself to be used. 'Stop crossing oceans for people who don't even jump puddles for you'

Are they actually nice to you OP? Do you enjoy the relationship, apart from your twat of a DH? You've given no indication that you do, just that you facilitate their relationship with your kids (which your oldest doesn't even seem to want).

If you do, put yourself in their shoes. ExH's new DP might be a complete cow- probably is - but if they want a relationship with him they have to accept her don't they? Imagine one of your kids doing this - you'd love them however badly they behaved, v wouldn't you? You could try telling them you're hurt by their acceptance of her and see what happens. I can't see it doing anything good but nothing worse than being cold to them will to be honest.

If you don't, perfect opportunity to stop feeling beholden to them. No reason you should.

I just want to thank you quickly for all the advice. I don't particularly like the relationship but am a people pleaser and years of emotional abuse and the fact I've been on my own since 19 when my family have moved away, has left me with PTSD.
My view of the world is most likely skewed.

I understand why you are hurt OP. You have gone over and above being the decent person here. I imagine you feel you are getting no recognition for it. Now the woman who humiliated you, who claimed she had a duty to tell you what an arse your ex was, is with the arse and being welcomed into what was your family.

I think it is totally normal and justified to feel as you do. You feel no-one has your back or your side, or acknowledgement of the dignity and decency with which you have behaved.

There's not much you can do about it though. His family have no real choice but to accept her. Its okay that it hurts though

@surelynotnever thank you, you've been able to relay how I feel a lot more concisely than I can right now, I appreciate that.

His parents/family will be civil to keep the peace and gavecs relationship with their son a d grandchildren. It doesn't matter who she is, she could he anybody.

You've moved on, are with a new partner. Can you really expect them to ostracise her put of loyalty to you. You're his ex of three years, you're with someone else. They want a civil relationship with him and they don't get one if they reject/ostracise his current partner.

Note the word current. He's a serial cheater who begged you not to leave him/kick him out. He told disgusting (though typical lies) about your relationship and your mh so she and other women would get involved with him. He cheats on his wife with four kids in the mix.

He's a scum bag, a lisr, a cheater ... And that's who she's with. And she knows it. Lucky ol her.

He self esteem must be on the floor to have gotten back involved with him.

Your in laws however are asking too much/taking too.much from you.

They need to step back. And you need to too.

You sound too mind towards them. Let their son and his partner do that stuff for them. I'm sure you've got enough in your plate.

No need to be curt, just establish distance gradually and civilly.

*too kind